What To Do

Well I feel a tiny bit better. The feelings of suicide and ending it all have passed - I think it was just the shock of finding out Vikki could be so cold that really threw me. What's the most disappointing now is my phone counselor - she tries her best but she hasn't given me any tools to help deal with things or change my life. And worst yet, I can only talk for an hour before she begins to wind things up. It just highlights the fact I need to talk to my parents now - they can be there to help me and they don't have a time limit. My mum made an effort last night to talk to me and not get angry, but it'll take a while to get things where I need them to be.

So now what? I just wait for Vikki to reply and grace me with her presence? I can't seem to move on without getting closure from her and I just want to do it by myself. But to tell the truth, I'm still madly in love with her and I know I'm a fool. But what do I do now? I feel like one of those girls sitting by the phone waiting for a date to ring, only wait all day for nothing. A day wasted. But in this case, it's been two months and not a day. Why can't she just be nice and do something which will help me unimaginably? I've had so much to say and ask which you only can when the person is there.

The thought of her and that asshole Tracy spending time together for hours when she knew I wanted to talk to her is just so hard to get over. It's just so inconsiderate. I cannot believe the saying "You reap what you sow". The way I get treated sometimes it's like I'm the worst person in the world. I was ever considerate of Vikki's feelings and would talk when she wanted to at the drop of a hat. If she was down I'd go and pick her up and if she was lonely I'd go and spend time with her. If someone picked on her, I stood up for her and stopped talking to the person. She never did that. And now she not only spends time with that person for hours, but completely drops me when I need to talk, feeling lonely and hurt and betrayed.

Why do I still love her? Why can't I move on? Why do I need closure so much? I just really hope that Vikki shows some compassion and just talks to me. That's all I want. I only ever wanted her to be happy because I love her, and yet if she loved me, surely she'd want the same? I'm clearly unhappy and yet she still avoids me. Love doesn't end when the relationship ends. You always love people in one form or another. Even a stranger on the street I feel love for and would console if they felt sad. And yet, I'm not even a stranger to her any more. It's just so... rejected. I really do not think she gets it at all. Maybe I was too nice being so considerate. I could've been cruel and told her when she wanted to take a break that we were over and that she meant nothing to me. I could've been a guy who hurt her. But I wasn't.

The most important thing now is that I don't want to become this pain I feel. I hope I can get through this. Well, so because my counselor couldn't help, I guess I'll need to come up with a plan. I want to be that happy and outgoing, happening guy which I was when I was with Vikki. I'd treat people with respect and care about things. I'd feel like I was worth something. I had goals and dreams that did not just include Vikki. I'd laugh and smile. I miss that guy. So what's the plan? To be honest, all I can think about is just getting a reply from Vikki and making it through until then. If I have to send her an email every day, I will. I don't care if I sound crazy - I need closure and I need to talk. It's my life and God damn it I want it to be good again.

Betrayal

Today was bad, but tonight was getting better. I mean, I hadn't thought of topping myself for at least a whole 6 hours and I was feeling confident. Life, doesn't it have a sense of humour. I randomly just started looking at a site and saw to my surprise that Vikki has been online. For days. And not only that, but with Tracy! So here I am, the supposed "love of her life" and not only has she not said anything, or made any notion to talk despite my numerous attempts to (all greeted with "I'm too busy"), but she then goes and hangs out with the very guy who started the big fight which ruined us in the first place!

As soon as I saw it I felt like vomiting. I've felt like vomiting before, but never like this. I felt like crying and vomiting and slitting my wrists all with one clean motion. And I still might. I cannot do this. I'm out. I want this stupid charade to be fucking over. I poured my heart and soul into that woman and she's out without a care in the world. As I write this, I can't breathe, I can't think and I certainly cannot cope. Oh my God this is so fucking shit. And nobody fucking cares. Let's just have a fucking shit on Spawn Man day eh?

And no, it's not just her. Today an old friend - if we can even call her that - made out like she wanted to reconcile with me. Turns out she only wanted to betray me with her boyfriend. It's a long story which, unfortunately, I have time to tell. Basically, she's married (we'll call her Laura for now) and was having an online affair. She confided in me and I tried to help her. It worked for a while, then she gave up and went back to her bit on the side. I didn't like it, she took offense and she got all shitty and blocked me from contacting her. Out of the blue she sends me a message saying she's sorry and I come on tonight to sort it out. Turns out she shares her accounts with her boyfriend and they both start attacking me and rubbing in the fact they're having an affair online. And this is a woman with a husband and kids and a doctor's career!

Who finds love? Shit-heads like that. She had the looks (on the outside anyway), the career, the husband and the children. She doesn't even have to lift a finger and she can have her family. What does she do? Treats it like it means nothing to her. Squanders it. Not only that, openly flaunts the fact she's got two guys on the side all over her website. That's a cold bitch. And as for me? I try my hardest to find love and even the ones I get I can't keep. People who deserve things never get them and those who will only squander them always end up stinking of them.

So today has been hectic for me. And I'll agree, it's all online. But online isn't necessarily unreal. It's very real. There's real emotions and love and hate. Real people. You're reading my life and I'm real. You're real (hopefully). Anyone who says that things online are no big deal gets a bad mark in my books. But now I can't even enjoy myself online any more. Whether it's drama from an online girlfriend who I love, or someone I only tried to help turning on me with her boyfriend, or a group of players who betray me because they don't like the way I play, or things which remind me of all of them - it's all taking it's toll. 

I'm on a thin wire and a wind is coming. I can feel my life just hanging there, just wishing it can make it across before the next gust. These last few days I've never felt so alone. I haven't eaten or spoken in the last few days and my parents still do not even sense the real danger I'm in. And yet I can't tell them. All I can think about is just how I'm going to kill myself, who'd turn up to my funeral, if anyone would even care. About how my death would affect anyone, if I'd be tormented by having to watch Vikki continue on with her life or if my parents would cope. If I'd be scared after I'd done it and wish someone would save me, only to find my parents were watching television or something. Or if there'd just be a big black nothing and that it really was worth sticking around to at least make some contribution even if I was miserable. Maybe I should go out with a blaze and take out my bitch of a grandmother and cunt of an uncle with me. Or maybe I should just disappear and never be found.

Never before have I felt like this. So utterly betrayed and unloved. I'll admit, I was a bit weird sometimes in our relationship or go upset at odd things, but I was always reasonable and always tried my best. I knew when I'd done wrong and apologized. I knew when to comfort Vikki and when to support her. I bought her expensive gifts and returned them because she didn't wear earrings. So I'd buy her necklaces instead. I offered my home, my money and my heart to her. I never asked for it back. I did all this and yet I'm not even worth talking to. Not even a piece of shit on everyone's shoe. I'm praying for someone to just stand up and stop this film and go "Hey, this isn't fair!". But it's no film. There's no rewind or pause. There's a play and if I choose, a stop. The question is: Is the film going to get better?

Is the film going to give the guy a break? Is his life going to get better? Or is everything just going to spin out of control? All I know is that I want my parents to get out of the house and me and a bottle of strong alcohol are going to get acquainted. I don't even care which one - I've never been a drinker and even the smallest bit gets me tipsy. All I want is the one which will make me forget the most. The one which will be my friend and do something no one else can do - just stop this. And I mean, being upset at night I can cope with usually. But I'm waking up sad. It's like the sleep was just a short break in the nightmare and now I have a whole day ahead to endure. Another day of not being able to breathe. Another day of finding out just how much I'm unloved.

I just hope I make it until 7pm tomorrow. That's when my counselor's shift begins and I have someone I can talk to other than this stupid blog. And it really is stupid. A record of my stupid life for all to see. I hope you're all entertained. I hope God, you big fat fuck sitting in your angel-covered shit, I hope you're entertained. I'm sick of believing in someone just because we're all too scared to admit that there's nothing else out there. We all go to die in a cold fucking place and there's no afterlife. Just black and nothing. If there was a heaven then it'd pick me up now because everyone knows I've never done a bad deed in my entire life worthy of any of this and I don't want to have to commit suicide. I just want this to stop. 

The worst I've ever done is eat a chocolate in a store when I was a toddler and write my name on a wall at work and school. I've sworn at my parents and I've been a pain sometimes, but they know they wouldn't swap me for anyone else. I don't stay out, I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, have sex (God knows I try), I bring home good grades and I can socialize with the ability of more than a pea. So in the best humour I can muster at this moment - What gives? Why the fuck can't I just get a break? Okay, she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she's busy at work and everything. But do I need to know she's online and hanging out with the people who broke the camel's back? Do I really need to know that I'm that fucking unloved that the person I gave my heart and soul to really doesn't give a fucking shit whether I have a heart attack from all the stress or not? Do I really?!

Look do whatever. I don't know who that's directed at, but it can apply to everyone. Everyone can go get fucked. God, you can for obvious reasons. You want to smite me with your high and mighty powers? Fucking do it big guy! You useless sack of shit! At least make someone happy and fucking kill me right now. You readers. Do whatever the hell you want. Want to continue reading this fucking shit? Be my guest. You want to leave? Go ahead. I really do not care. Vikki? Well you can do whatever too! We've all got free choice here and you've chosen door number three - being an uncaring cow who seemingly cares more for just about everyone other than me. Congrats, you get the new car! As for me - you can do whatever too. All those rules which you spent your life making to make you a good person? A good, deserving person? Well all that is bullshit because it gets you nowhere buddy! As of now, the rules are off and you are free. Go drink and get fucked up because while you're at it, flip a coin and if it's heads, you get to to slit your wrists and if it's tails, find some long-worded drug and swallow the whole box.

As for everyone else? You can kiss my ass. Maybe my problems aren't as big as others'. But I don't give a shit. Keep the orphans in Africa speech for someone who hasn't hit rock bottom. All my life I've been bullied by people who don't care. Sometimes I don't think my parents care. The woman which showed me unconditional love and to which I gave my heart. She doesn't care. I'm always last to get picked. Always the overlooked one and the hated one. The guy which treats all the girls with respect and they take out the bad boy anyway. The guy who sits and wonders how people can have meaningless sex and can squander away a family and love like it means nothing. The kid who will always stick up for you against bullies, but is always left to stand up for himself when they turn on him. The guy who trusts and gets burnt and still wants to be loyal to you. The guy who is me.

I'm that guy. But no more. I'm sick of this fucking guy.

Breathless

Today has been so very hard for me already. From the moment I woke up I've felt this pain in my heart, thinking of Vikki. I can hardly breathe and my lungs feel heavy. The more I've thought about it, the worst it's gotten. No one to talk to with my councillor off duty and no friends or family to confide in, it's been me alone who's had to bear this burden. This cross I bear on my shoulders every day. No one to care enough. And me not giving them the chance to. I can't take this pain any longer. Not knowing what to do or how to fix it. The frustration at not being able to change a damn thing. This marathon I must run every day. I'm sick of running it. Over and over every day. The other runners streaking ahead while I flail helplessly at the back. And just before I finish I'm transported back to the start again.

There must be something I can do or change to feel happy again. Vikki doesn't want to be in a relationship. There's nothing I can do. She obviously cares nothing for my feelings. Nothing I can do there either. Will I ever find love again or be happy? I don't know. Everything out of my hands. I want control! I need the control of my life again!

Even I don't know what I want any more. I just wish I could go back in time and just say "I don't care if you hang out with Dick and Tracy". It would hurt me unbelievably, but maybe if we grew closer together down the road she'd listen to me more later and see it was hurting me. Anything would be better than this. I thought I was out of this rut. This all consuming hole which feeds and feeds on me until I'm nothing but a skeleton stripped bare. Nothing but a shell with tendons and hurt dripping from my flayed flesh. No one cares to help and no one knows to. The person I trusted the most has turned away and I'm left feeling hurt, alone and played. Does anyone care out there? I'm sick of this stupid life. I haven't talked to anyone in days and still they act like I'm fine. I'm sick of talking. Nothing changes. Nothing ever changes. I was alone before Vikki and alone I am again.

I look at people now and I hate them. I hate every inch of them. Their smiles, their laughs. Their love which they get and squander freely. I know how special love is and I would take care of it. But the person I thought would do the same didn't give a fuck. They just didn't care. And now I'm here. Here in this fantasy world of video games and blogs just to keep alive. Because when I'm not pouring what's left of my soul into someone's ear or computer screen, I can't breathe. I can't breathe and I can't live.

Maybe I shouldn't at all.

Well It Is My Life...

So what did you expect? Everything to turn out all nice and rosy? Everything was going great with Vikki and my life; I'd created a masterpiece at school of the headmaster as a zombie, had a great Christmas, joined a local cricket team and made plans with the one I truly love, Vikki. Now we're just playing pass the break-up with each other and exchanging yes/no messages. It all started a while ago, back when we were first getting together, and like a train, it trudged slowly on through our relationship until it reached its destination - our demise.

Me, Vikki, her brother and our friends all used to hang out together online, but when we started to go out, we'd spend more and more time together. After a while, we'd only come online and speak to each other. Soon her brother Matt and his friends became restless, thinking I was somehow controlling her and making her only hang out with me. They'd growl at her, I'd growl at them, the brother would then growl at me and it'd just end up with everyone fighting. Me and Vikki's brother stopped talking and it was the same with his friends. And then I did something stupid.

About a month ago, I decided to give the two friends a second chance. However I quickly learned they were only trying to be nice to me because they somehow thought it would get them more time with Vikki. Unbeknownst to me, their plan worked. Soon Vikki and the two friends (Who I shall now refer to as Dick and Tracy) began spending time together. Not needing me any more, naturally they became rude towards me, saying that I liked to suck my dad's dick and everything else childish under the sun. I have a tough skin, built over years of bullying, but then something happened which I didn't expect.

I've always been brought up with the notion that you always support your partner. My father always told me "No matter what son, always support your wife" and my mother would say "Even if she's fighting with your parents, you support her". So I was quite surprised when I told her all this and Vikki turns around to me and says she's still going to spend time with them. I'd always felt like the girl in the relationship and this was no exception. She should've just stopped contact with them right then and there. I shouldn't even have to ask, especially when I'd stopped seeing friends that'd been mean to her. It was the beginning of the end.

The next night I broke up with her. I'd been backed into a corner - either remain and let myself be disrespected by having my own partner ignore the fact I'm being bullied by her friends or go and throw away everything we'd worked on. Well I'd have never respected myself ever again if I'd stayed, so I left. That night I nearly had a mental breakdown and collapsed. It was actually quite good as I was docile when Vikki said she wanted to talk that night. She said she needed some space to sort out her issues so we could start a new chapter of our relationship. So I gave her all the space she needed.

The first few days were hard. My parents bore the brunt of it and by the time it was over, my mother loathed the name Vikki. But after a week, Vikki said she wanted to talk. So we talked and instead of the bright new chapter I'd been hoping for, I received the "It's not you, it's me" speech. Apparently she'd realized it was all her fault and that she wasn't relationship material. So I was dumped as usual.

Strangely, we were still allowed to talk, hang out, be naughty together and everything like before, with the exception of being actually called a "couple". I said I'd wait for as long as she needed to get herself ready, but after a week, I had questions mounting and worries building faster than wild fire. So then we reach present tense - I told her I shouldn't have to wait and that it wasn't fair on either of us since she didn't know how long we would have to wait. In my life, I get excited by what's around the corner, what I'm doing and keeping active. I can't be stagnant or I rot. It was inevitable. So now for my Valentine's Day, I'm alone. I was so close to not being alone, but here I am.

I'll always love Vikki and who knows, maybe there's a place for us in the future. Maybe we'll find someone else before then and move on. Maybe we'll just never recover. Whatever the case, I don't like this no mans land between. It's so vast and lonely in here and I've been wandering for my whole life with no comfort or peace. Like a mirage on the horizon, people and places come and go, touching my life, but never staying. I look back on them from time to time and cry because I know I'll never have them again. so now that you're all depressed from my sob story, so hug the one you love and do something for them without them having to ask you. Don't let them be alone. It's not very nice...

 I've decided to do my studies from home and focus on working. I've gotten into promotional gigs and the like. It's good pay, got the humiliation factor for embarrassing 21st birthday party stories and you get to meet some nice people. Anything's better than wallowing alone.