New Beginnings

As the saying goes, in every life there's a time for a reaping and a sowing. And for me, the fronds of my life are just beginning to sprout again, up from the ashes. Looking back over these months of blog posts, I thought I saw a life being undone. Now I see that it is a life being reborn. A time of finding my way, my place, my voice and my heart. Of seeing people fall away and of seeing people rise. From my grandmother's death I was able to start a career. From the losses of my love and my friends, I was able to achieve perspective. Whatever the case, this time in my life has not destroyed me, but left me experienced - somewhat more than I would've enjoyed - but experienced all the same. Reborn from the fire to face it all over again.

You know of my troubles with family and love and life. My time at art school finished with a bang of a similar fashion. It was mostly my fault of course; never seeing the outcome of my lies or actions until they're gone and I'm wishing there was an "undo" button. I asked a girl out, as far as I knew it was for a date, and we went to the cinema. Only there did I find out she had a boyfriend. I flowed with it all the same and when I was asked by my art tutor the next day how my date went, I said it went brilliantly, not naming names. However harmless the lie, time and again I find out that full honesty is the best medicine, no matter how horrible. Had I not shared this lie in the presence of another student, I may still be at art school today. But this was not an ordinary student.

Since I started at the art school, one student, Rick, had had it out for me for no reason at all. My presence annoyed him in his words. As he was a cruel, pot-smoking douche which everyone seemed to like, I tried my best to avoid him as much as possible. But it just so happened Rick was in the carpool on the way to school when I divulged my status-increasing lie to my tutor. So far, so good. Rick looked suspicious, but I felt that my lie went down well and that I'd gotten away with it. But little did I know that it was only the beginning of a chain of events which would lead to a terrible conclusion.

The girl I asked out was a friend of a friend, who I hung out with at school. When that friend texted me about why I hadn't been going to school as much lately, I joked around that I was dying. Hilarious to me. Less so to my friend. Somehow this got around to the girl I went to the movies with and from there, somehow Rick found out about it and then also that I never went on a "date". The car ride to school the next day, to say the least, was tense. Rick claimed that my date was a sham and that I should stop texting the girls. Little did I know that Rick had (at least in my eyes) either a crush on the girl I went to the cinema with and/or a vendetta against me. I passed it off and said that I dated several people, none of which he knew, and that it was none of his business. Luckily my fellow carpoolers bought the story and defended me. I came close to punching Rick that day; in fact I did try and trip him up on the stairs after I found out that the two girls had completely snubbed me and were gossiping. Rick threatened to kill me and I haven't been back since because quite frankly, I know I'll do the prick over and I've spent too long being a good person for him to mess it up.

So you see, once again lies have given me a valuable lesson. A lie to make myself seem more impressive and a joke which was in bad taste. Harmless. To everyone but myself. Time and again the consequences have proven this to me. I'll admit, I was unlucky to tell a lie while in the presence of the one person willing to doggedly disprove it just for the hell of it, but in any case, not telling it in the first place would've saved me a lot of heart ache. So you see, although many things change, some things never seem to. I never seem to learn from these lessons. I always seem to think I'm too smart to get caught lying. Too cunning. In the end I guess I'm not.

The reason I came on tonight was because another of my best friends online simply deleted me and made sure I could never contact him again for nothing more than messaging him and "not leaving him alone". I'll admit, I'm upset. He'd been my friend for more than a year and we'd had some good times together. I just guess that people don't see the world the way I do. I'm loyal and if I have a problem with you, I'll tell you instead of simply cutting you off. I'll be emotionally intuitive. I'll care. As my parents always tell me, the world just doesn't think like that. But in this time of new growth, it doesn't register as a strike against my heart, but as a new leaf of experience for me to grow from. Even as I write, the hurt is going. Probably because I also know that just a new experience comes, so do new friends. Enter Andy.

I spent a solid month lapping up any work I could get my hands on via the local student job search. On one such job I met Andy. We clicked immediately and although he doesn't contact me before I contact him, he seems like a good soul with a good head. Just as my view of people was waning, I find someone who is decent. Someone who doesn't act like a schoolboy, as with Rick or my other friends. Someone who is mature. Thankfully he hasn't asked my age, because if he had when I first met him I'd have probably told him a lie, and I've had too many relationships begin on a lie. It's not that I want to lie. It's just that it's safe within this shell. This mask where I can be whatever you want me to be. Where people take you seriously and don't dismiss you on age or who you date or what you do.

But wear my mask I still do. I'm even lying to my extended family now. After my grandmother died, I was able to acquire a professional camera from her estate. Although I'd rather have my grandmother, it seems almost a gift from her to me so I can have a career. But before long, I just have to taint it. I'm already saying that I've gotten a job at a magazine to my family, friends and even strangers, when the reality is that I haven't even sent in my portfolio. Every time I tell a lie it makes me feel that bit more distant from others.

This new beginning is too brilliant to taint with my lies. It shouldn't just be a new chance to put on new masks to make me feel secure. Maybe I've been burnt again and again to realize that I'm meant to. Maybe I'm not supposed to cover my vulnerability with these masks. Maybe this new chance is just that. A new chance. A chance to feel life as myself, the only version of me I'll ever be. But it's baby steps right now. It's hard to break the habit of a lifetime. I'm still just poking my head through the dirt.

Questions For The Wind

I felt morose tonight, watching the sun's rays fade against the evening sky from my bedroom window. Watching the world go by without me. I feel like I'm nothing. What am I doing with my life? Everything I do, I start with gusto, but it fades and I'm left holding my life wondering if what I'm doing is right. I have this continual fear that I don't have long to live and every moment wasted on my behalf is exaggerated in my eyes. Every moment I am idle I rue. Yet everything I do never seems to be enough in the end. What is my purpose on this earth? What is the reason for my life? I ask these questions, but they're only heard by the wind, who takes them along as it goes by, only to forget me.

Ever since Vikki left my purpose has disappeared. Some men may value their success by money, a career or the amount of sex they have. My success is a family. A wife who I can care for and children I can raise. Am I selfish? I am beginning to think I am - What if I only miss Vikki so because she made me feel successful? I thought it was because I missed talking to her and trying to make her happy, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just a self-centred person who only cares for himself. I hope not.

I had forgotten Vikki for the past week, simply getting on with my life, but today it has flowed back to me. A wave of fears and questions with no answers. I look out upon that fading sky, wondering if she is looking upon it too. All I can see is the time we are wasting apart. I want her to just forget everything and jump on board with me. I'm sitting at the station and I need to go, but I can't leave without her. I cannot wait for long. Every moment I wait for anything is a moment lost. Small graces are short lived - a game of cricket or a movie - and when their golden glow fades, I'm left looking upon my life wondering what is my true purpose. What am I here for? What am I here for? What am I here for?

Today was a day of disappointment. Two jobs which I applied for fell through. An email I sent to Vikki a few days ago still had no reply. Questions of my life appeared in my mind. Everything I do seems mediocre and small in the scale of a life, yet I cannot think what I need to fulfill me. How do some simply exist with no worries or regrets? With no fear of death or if they will mean something in their life? I want Vikki back, but is it for me, us or her? We both love each other still, but am I too reliant on the relationship to make me happy? Am I doing enough in my life? Should I be doing more now or have faith that I will live longer than I expect?

All these questions and no answers. With Vikki's absence my life and happiness have been put into question and I am turning up short on resolutions. I better get some soon or I fear this hole will grow wider and deeper and soon, maybe even the wind won't reach me to listen.

Well It Is My Life...

So what did you expect? Everything to turn out all nice and rosy? Everything was going great with Vikki and my life; I'd created a masterpiece at school of the headmaster as a zombie, had a great Christmas, joined a local cricket team and made plans with the one I truly love, Vikki. Now we're just playing pass the break-up with each other and exchanging yes/no messages. It all started a while ago, back when we were first getting together, and like a train, it trudged slowly on through our relationship until it reached its destination - our demise.

Me, Vikki, her brother and our friends all used to hang out together online, but when we started to go out, we'd spend more and more time together. After a while, we'd only come online and speak to each other. Soon her brother Matt and his friends became restless, thinking I was somehow controlling her and making her only hang out with me. They'd growl at her, I'd growl at them, the brother would then growl at me and it'd just end up with everyone fighting. Me and Vikki's brother stopped talking and it was the same with his friends. And then I did something stupid.

About a month ago, I decided to give the two friends a second chance. However I quickly learned they were only trying to be nice to me because they somehow thought it would get them more time with Vikki. Unbeknownst to me, their plan worked. Soon Vikki and the two friends (Who I shall now refer to as Dick and Tracy) began spending time together. Not needing me any more, naturally they became rude towards me, saying that I liked to suck my dad's dick and everything else childish under the sun. I have a tough skin, built over years of bullying, but then something happened which I didn't expect.

I've always been brought up with the notion that you always support your partner. My father always told me "No matter what son, always support your wife" and my mother would say "Even if she's fighting with your parents, you support her". So I was quite surprised when I told her all this and Vikki turns around to me and says she's still going to spend time with them. I'd always felt like the girl in the relationship and this was no exception. She should've just stopped contact with them right then and there. I shouldn't even have to ask, especially when I'd stopped seeing friends that'd been mean to her. It was the beginning of the end.

The next night I broke up with her. I'd been backed into a corner - either remain and let myself be disrespected by having my own partner ignore the fact I'm being bullied by her friends or go and throw away everything we'd worked on. Well I'd have never respected myself ever again if I'd stayed, so I left. That night I nearly had a mental breakdown and collapsed. It was actually quite good as I was docile when Vikki said she wanted to talk that night. She said she needed some space to sort out her issues so we could start a new chapter of our relationship. So I gave her all the space she needed.

The first few days were hard. My parents bore the brunt of it and by the time it was over, my mother loathed the name Vikki. But after a week, Vikki said she wanted to talk. So we talked and instead of the bright new chapter I'd been hoping for, I received the "It's not you, it's me" speech. Apparently she'd realized it was all her fault and that she wasn't relationship material. So I was dumped as usual.

Strangely, we were still allowed to talk, hang out, be naughty together and everything like before, with the exception of being actually called a "couple". I said I'd wait for as long as she needed to get herself ready, but after a week, I had questions mounting and worries building faster than wild fire. So then we reach present tense - I told her I shouldn't have to wait and that it wasn't fair on either of us since she didn't know how long we would have to wait. In my life, I get excited by what's around the corner, what I'm doing and keeping active. I can't be stagnant or I rot. It was inevitable. So now for my Valentine's Day, I'm alone. I was so close to not being alone, but here I am.

I'll always love Vikki and who knows, maybe there's a place for us in the future. Maybe we'll find someone else before then and move on. Maybe we'll just never recover. Whatever the case, I don't like this no mans land between. It's so vast and lonely in here and I've been wandering for my whole life with no comfort or peace. Like a mirage on the horizon, people and places come and go, touching my life, but never staying. I look back on them from time to time and cry because I know I'll never have them again. so now that you're all depressed from my sob story, so hug the one you love and do something for them without them having to ask you. Don't let them be alone. It's not very nice...

 I've decided to do my studies from home and focus on working. I've gotten into promotional gigs and the like. It's good pay, got the humiliation factor for embarrassing 21st birthday party stories and you get to meet some nice people. Anything's better than wallowing alone.