Questions For The Wind

I felt morose tonight, watching the sun's rays fade against the evening sky from my bedroom window. Watching the world go by without me. I feel like I'm nothing. What am I doing with my life? Everything I do, I start with gusto, but it fades and I'm left holding my life wondering if what I'm doing is right. I have this continual fear that I don't have long to live and every moment wasted on my behalf is exaggerated in my eyes. Every moment I am idle I rue. Yet everything I do never seems to be enough in the end. What is my purpose on this earth? What is the reason for my life? I ask these questions, but they're only heard by the wind, who takes them along as it goes by, only to forget me.

Ever since Vikki left my purpose has disappeared. Some men may value their success by money, a career or the amount of sex they have. My success is a family. A wife who I can care for and children I can raise. Am I selfish? I am beginning to think I am - What if I only miss Vikki so because she made me feel successful? I thought it was because I missed talking to her and trying to make her happy, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just a self-centred person who only cares for himself. I hope not.

I had forgotten Vikki for the past week, simply getting on with my life, but today it has flowed back to me. A wave of fears and questions with no answers. I look out upon that fading sky, wondering if she is looking upon it too. All I can see is the time we are wasting apart. I want her to just forget everything and jump on board with me. I'm sitting at the station and I need to go, but I can't leave without her. I cannot wait for long. Every moment I wait for anything is a moment lost. Small graces are short lived - a game of cricket or a movie - and when their golden glow fades, I'm left looking upon my life wondering what is my true purpose. What am I here for? What am I here for? What am I here for?

Today was a day of disappointment. Two jobs which I applied for fell through. An email I sent to Vikki a few days ago still had no reply. Questions of my life appeared in my mind. Everything I do seems mediocre and small in the scale of a life, yet I cannot think what I need to fulfill me. How do some simply exist with no worries or regrets? With no fear of death or if they will mean something in their life? I want Vikki back, but is it for me, us or her? We both love each other still, but am I too reliant on the relationship to make me happy? Am I doing enough in my life? Should I be doing more now or have faith that I will live longer than I expect?

All these questions and no answers. With Vikki's absence my life and happiness have been put into question and I am turning up short on resolutions. I better get some soon or I fear this hole will grow wider and deeper and soon, maybe even the wind won't reach me to listen.