The Rut

Well, I broke my own rules today and checked my emails. As I suspected, nothing from Vikki but the icy shoulder. I'm less hurt than I thought I'd be, but it's still upsetting. It's as if I never even existed to her. That I'm just someone she can leave behind to wallow in this rut I've made for myself. And it really is my own fault. I should never have pinned all my hopes to her and all my dreams. I guess it's me though. Every relationship I've ever had is intense. Every relationship I'll go to the ends of the earth for you. I know I'm mistaken now when I say I thought she'd do the same.

I felt so lost today. I don't know what I'm doing with myself any more, or what my future holds. My art has dried up. Heck, I can't even bring myself to draw anything without the hurt tearing a hole in my heart.Vikki has left a huge chasm in my life and I am so furious at myself for letting myself wallow so. I know I should just be getting on with my life, but I can't seem to do it. I just can't seem to stop thinking about what we had and what's going to happen. About this hurt.

When I was with her, I was never like this. If she was on holiday or couldn't talk, I never worried. But now that we're not talking for good, I just can't get over it. I feel pathetic and useless. I've been a horrible person to live with lately and everything I enjoyed I no longer do. Some men may equate success with money, a job or a career. Me? I don't care much for those things. For love, I would give up the highest paying job to live on the streets. My success is a family and a happy wife. I really thought I could have that with Vikki. She made me feel like I was successful. Every time she'd say I was the best boyfriend ever or that she loved me, I'd feel this swelling joy in my heart that I have not felt since she has left.

I don't even know if I'm making sense or not, but reader, this is agony. This horrid, rancid rut with the decaying corpses of my past and future which I must sleep and live in is agony. Why can't I cope without her? I thought I was being brave and moving on like a good soldier. But now my thoughts are just jumbled and I dare not tell anyone for fear of the truth. The truth which I already know. The truth that I am one pathetic individual. Why would any girl want me?

The joy is just not there any more. Why am I relying on Vikki to be in control of my joy? I know it is wrong, but like a magnetic force, I can do nothing, it seems, to crawl out of this rut. Maybe I'm meant to die in here. Maybe it's justice.