Will You Be My Valentine?

Alone yet again and as if life was intending to add insult to injury, on Valentines Day no less. Watching my parents swap their love cards and head off to see a movie should be a nice occasion, but all it has served is to make me feel enraged. As soon as they left I threw what could only be called a "big boy's tantrum", where a certain object was smashed against my bed's leg post numerous times. Of all the days to be alone. 

I remember last year's Valentines Day quite clearly - two girls from my art school took pity on me and gave me two cards saying "We hope you don't stay a bachelor for long". And I was actually fine being alone. Vikki hadn't come along and shown me what it was like to be accepted and loved and to be in love. Like a user in detox, I can't live without it. I'm in a deep depression. I feel helpless and lost.

Of course I want Vikki to just be happy, even if it's not with me. But we have both said we clearly want each other. All that stands in the way is her own thoughts. I cannot do anything to help or speed things along. It's like the song I've been listening to on and off for the last few days "Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain" by the Cascades. How can I love another when my heart is so far away? I want to move on if there's no chance between us, but we both still love each other. So it means I have to wait, but I certainly don't know how long for. I just don't want to become one of those people who waits for nothing. Yet I can't bear to think of me sharing my first kiss with another girl.

I have no game plan. No way to work the situation out. At the moment I can only see one option - pretend I'm not waiting for Vikki to be ready for a relationship, but really I am waiting. And to satisfy my self-objections to waiting, if anyone really special comes along, then I'll consider following that avenue. I wish there was some magic wand or way to speed time up. But there's not.

What's killing me is that this is my shot. You only have one life and one chance. I believe in God but I don't know if there's anything after this. I just don't want my life to end with regrets. Happy Valentines Day reader, may yours be more fruitful.