Food For Thought

Well tonight was a family night out, a chance to forget my woes and problems. It didn't work. The restaurant was swarming with girls and it just made me feel annoyed seeing all those happy couples together, canoodling against the candle light. My parents can't see what's eating me inside and my only outlet is a blog shared with complete strangers. I do find it ironic sometimes. So as I sat and devoured my plate of ribs, porcine rib by porcine rib, my mind was racing. I'd sent a Happy Valentines Day email to Vikki a few nights ago and she'd chosen to ignore it. Obviously she doesn't care, so why should I? Why should I sit and miss her so and miss out on life just because she isn't ready for a relationship? How do I even know if she's coming back to me?

I've decided that come what may, I'm moving on. If she can't get her act together, then I'm not chasing ghosts for the rest of my limited youth. If she wants to get back together, then I'll see then, but I am certainly actively looking now. My parents had put it nicely in that there's many more fish in the sea - I would've liked Vikki, but if it's not meant to be then there's no point sticking around when we could both be happy else where. Despite my new resolute decisions, I still have my doubts. Deep inside of me there's a conflict. One side says I should just move on. The other says no. Which is correct?

I'm always so considerate and kind, especially to the ones I love. Saying that I'm just going to move on and actively seek other people seems so unlike me, so inconsiderate to Vikki and cruel in a way - after all, it still seems she wants me, but just doesn't know how. However, what if this considerate side of me is just a mask I show myself? A mask to fool myself into thinking I'm a nice person? What if I've always been the opposite and once again, I'm hiding the truth, but this time from me.

All I know is that sometimes, I don't even know myself any more.