Who Am I?

I used to be the good guy. The one who could be the perfect boyfriend and the one you could always trust. I've been slipping. If you were to look back even two years in my life, you would not recognize me. Some changes have been good. Some bad. And lately it feels as though the bad has outweighed the good by a large margin. From someone who would never even dream of having a girlfriend, to someone who cheats on them, even if it is virtually. What have I become? I've been left with a bitter taste towards women and have beaten myself up over what I've done more times than I should have. The lies, the masks, the screw ups; I'm just scared I'm drifting too far from where I was happy. Sure I was an introverted, fat little guy, but at least I knew I was a good person. Now, I'm not too sure any more.

Vikki really screwed me up. I'll admit that I played a role in our demise, but what happened with her has damaged my views towards women and the ones I've met since have not helped my negative outlook. I know a few women read this blog, but I'll be blunt - my encounters have shown me that women, despite the tradition, are just as unintuitive and flawed as men. I'm not saying men are any better, because they're not, but women are supposed to be the sensitive ones. The caring and compassionate ones. Vikki and Jess showed me what it's like to be lied to. What it's like to be undermined and kicked to the curb. To be hurt. Maybe I'm just too damn sensitive. Some days I feel like I'm the most sensitive person in the world.

In these past few years I've been through a lot. It's no excuse for how I've been drifting lately, but I've been through a lot of new experiences which have left me reeling for a way to react. Deaths, suicides, the loss of my family and friends, schools and clubs, fights and love and heartbreak. I've lost weight and grown up and have really started to enter the adult world of university and work. I've made mistakes - huge mistakes - and lost a lot as a result. And I've cheated. Whatever has happened in the last few years I can excuse, but cheating I cannot. Even the most marginal of infidelity I cannot excuse when the perpetrator is me. I continue to come back to that moment again and again. I know the effects of adultery first hand. It ruined my childhood and shaped me in ways I shouldn't have been. And yet I still did it. A girl I was frustrated with in a world that wasn't real. It was set up for me to fail and I walked into it like a fool.

So who am I? As if having my masks wasn't hard enough. Now one of them is not one even I like to wear. Or is it me? Have I really turned into the person I don't want to be? Maybe I should give myself a break. It was a terrible mistake to make granted, but maybe I should stop beating myself up about it. The only one hurt was me; I'm just glad that I was able to learn from it during a relationship I wasn't involved in physically or emotionally, rather than one with someone I really loved in real life. If I've learnt from my transgression and won't do it again, then why can't I forgive myself? I need to know I'm still a good person, and if I keep nailing this cross into my mind, then I'll never get that back. I know for certain that I'll never get involved online again; it's too easy to slip up when you can't see your lover's face and how they hurt, and ultimately, always ends in heartbreak. I never proclaimed to know myself, my capabilities to hurt and be hurt, or that I knew anything in life. Maybe in time this feeling will go, and maybe, just maybe, I'll know what it's like to have confidence in myself and my actions again. To know I'm a good person.

Complicated... As Per Usual

As if online hook-ups with strangers after lying wasn't bad enough! I am currently back with the girl, who we'll call Jess, but not only that, tonight I hit on her best friend Lisa! So not only am I still reaping the fruits of my lies in the form of online sexual encounters, but I now have been unfaithful too! As you can see I'm pretty confused and worried right now, so let's start from the beginning and unravel my mind together. Because let's face it, when it comes to the vast and varied enigma that is my fucked up head, you know as much as me.

"Why can't I have a little fun? Why do I always have to finish last and never get a little naughty?" This is what I was thinking when I spoke to Jess right before we began our relationship again. And really, why not? Why can't I have some fun and muck around with some girl? Sure it's not real in the physical sense, and maybe I wasn't entirely truthful when entering into it, but this time it felt right. It didn't feel so debauched. And indeed we've had some very intimate moments over the weeks we've been continuing our relationship. We know it's just a bit of fun. A bit of closeness for two wounded individuals in this cold world. But is a one night stand and casual sex in the real world the same as its' cyber equivalent? Can either be acceptable for someone like me, someone who supposedly respects women and nurtured relationships?

Whatever the morality, I was in the relationship once again with Jess, like an inevitable gravity pulling me ever towards her no matter how hard I tried to escape. But as you may know already, this is not the only thing pulling me (excuse the crude pun). For always in the background is the web of disaster and woe drawing me ever into its' tangled maze. Like a small child gazing at candy laid in a convenient line all the way to a gingerbread house, I am forever drawn to completely and unequivocally fucking everything up.

Jess lives with her best friend Lisa. Both have befriended me online and have become close friends. To tell the truth, Lisa is far more my type of woman than Jess will ever be. The irony is that Lisa likes me only as a friend and would never have an online relationship with me. As much as I hate to admit it, it seems that no matter my intentions, I have fallen for the easy one. I know it sounds cruel and I hate myself for saying it, but it's true. What little relationship we had outside of online sex, Jess made me promise not to do it with anyone else. So what do I go and do? Not only do I express my interest in a girl, I make sure that girl is, out of all 3.3 billion of them on this planet, Lisa, Jess' best friend.

Oh what a fool. I even knew Lisa liked me only as a friend before I asked her, which she confirmed after I had sufficiently made a fool of myself. "X". One little letter. An implied kiss and now I have broken my unbreakable vow. Don't cheat. Don't be unfaithful. I've witnessed the effects and the hurt of infidelity first hand through several years of my life. And now I have, even though it's only in the world of pixels and data, done just the thing I spent my whole like making sure I'd never. And for all the low morality I feel for me and Jess' "relationship", I still know there's a real girl on the end of that line. Someone with a beating heart. With feelings. Feelings to hurt.

I knew it was a mistake as soon as I told Lisa. Sure in real life, maybe we'd be best friends and maybe we could go on a date. Maybe me and Jess could too. But online, this can never be and I've put the only one who is willing to be intimate with me, the only one who is willing to share themselves and be vulnerable, at risk of being betrayed. And in all this is me. I feel lost in it. Foremost on my mind is what is happening to me. First online sex. Now I'm cheating. What's next? Will I continue to cheat? It was so easy. Just a slip. One careless moment thinking only of myself. Only to see if I could hopelessly fall in love with yet another faceless spirit through my lies and deceit. Is it even that big of a deal?

I feel compelled to tell Jess. Maybe because I feel guilt and want to confess. Maybe because I know it will drive her away and cease what has been a very troubled and confusing time for me. I'm still coming to grips as to why and what happened. Everything is pointing at me being someone far lesser than what I had imagined myself to be. I'm having trouble coming to terms with the fact that maybe I'm just as flawed as everyone else. I knew I was troubled, but never for this.

On the scale of cheating, I'd say this was low. I placed a letter and flirted with someone who did not return my glances. I knew it was wrong and I certainly do not wish to continue or hide my lapse. Perhaps in real life I might not be so foolish. Maybe the boundless edges of cyberspace have done my head in - too many new experiences and not enough familiar ones to reign me in. Regardless of the cause, I have but one question - what now? Should I even be in a relationship at all of this nature? Is the nature degrading my morals? Am I bad for even thinking that a nice girl should be considered as having lesser morals for partaking in such a relationship? Was it really cheating? Should I tell Jess? In real life would I still go for the "easy" girl or for Lisa who I get along with and like more?

Once again my questions bounce unheard off the glass of my computer screen, the incessant tapping of my keyboard the only thing keeping me from giving up completely. Maybe me and girls just do not mix. I'm sure other guys would see a way around this. Maybe just lie, find a way to have both or just not screw up in the first place. Hopefully when I tell Jess, I'll have figured out not only the words, but the cause too. And maybe she'll forgive me. I doubt it. For such a care-free relationship, I sure did managed to screw it up. A lot.

Online Hook-Ups... And Break-Ups

"I don't seem to know what my end-game is. I certainly won't be in a physical relationship with any one of these people. They won't be sending me nude pictures and sexy texts..." How wrong I was. For all my lying, the sexy chats and pictures began with one of my online friends. I'm either too good at deceiving now, or maybe I really am desirable. Probably the former. But started it did. Innocent little teasing texts at first. Then the nude pictures and erotic messages.

But like a famous line from a movie I love so dear, I'm like a dog chasing cars. Even if I caught one I wouldn't know what to do with it. And so it was here. All my lying had once again resulted in a trusting girl sharing herself with me. Me. If it can even be called that. Some sick perversion of me. Vikki had done it and now again. Every sultry message like the embodiment of my lies before me.

Just three days after my first sexual encounter with this woman, I decided to end it. I'm just not that kind of guy. I like the mystery, the courtship. I want to date a girl. I'm not even that interested in sex! Every time we finished one of our sessions, I came away feeling dirty. Like scum. And knowing the only way I was in this situation was through lying, it made it even worse. I know it's cliche, but it really was me and not her. I know she wanted more. I knew I could never have it. To be so cruel, she wasn't even my type. I guess I'm just a jerk.

Online Hang-ups

It's a common misconception that the internet is linking us together in these high-tech times. For me, it couldn't be farther from the truth. It's a horrible place for people like me. People who don't necessarily fit into social groups in real life, who are smart and have a way with words. Who are so desperate for everyone to like them and to be what everyone wants them to be, that they'll use the internet as just another mask behind which to hide. That's me.

In real life, girls won't take a second look at me. People won't take a second look at me. It's not because I'm not charming or good looking, but almost as if they can sense it. As if some lingering stench surrounds me. Only a select few seem to move past the outer layer of me, into a place where few people have seen. It's been there all my life. Bullied from a young age, everyone seems to think they can have a piece of me. Even now, with people my own age. No matter how I act - confident or shy, serious or annoying, caring or indifferent - people either don't take me seriously, attack me or let me down. I've never even been on a date.

But online, no one can seem my face. No one can see me. I'm the master of masks and this is my greatest. I can use words and humour and pick any girl I want. I even managed to score myself an online girlfriend, which is further than I ever got in real life. I can be 18 or 20 or 22. I can be the magazine photographer or the apartment-dwelling bachelor. I can be six foot and have perfect hair. I can be what I know people want to hear. What will get me... What will it get me?

I don't seem to know what my end-game is. I certainly won't be in a physical relationship with any one of these people. They won't be sending me nude pictures and sexy texts. We'll never be best friends. And yet I mascaraed around like we will. I try to fit into their view and be what will get them to love me. So I'll be their best friend. But it's not me. It's never me. It's my mask. The real me is all alone, hidden out of view crying. Wondering why he even has to do this to himself. Why he can't be himself. Alone. And yet every girl I meet online I become older and manlier. The mere prospect of beginning an acquaintance with someone as me is terrifying. I guess deep down, I'm hoping against hope that someone will truly see the inner me and love him. That one of these beautiful people online will magically come out and be my best friend. But that's never going to happen. All that's going to happen is the fact I know that not only am I never going to be friends with these people in real life or online in any capacity I'd like, but that the person they're friends with isn't really me in any case!

Thank goodness Andy hasn't asked me my age yet. So far I've been getting into bars with him without being asked for my ID. I'm old enough, but he's nearly 30 and I don't think he knows just how young I am. Even my own body hides me. I'm so young and yet I can pass for someone in their late twenties. Just another way to hide.

I'm the master of masks.

New Beginnings

As the saying goes, in every life there's a time for a reaping and a sowing. And for me, the fronds of my life are just beginning to sprout again, up from the ashes. Looking back over these months of blog posts, I thought I saw a life being undone. Now I see that it is a life being reborn. A time of finding my way, my place, my voice and my heart. Of seeing people fall away and of seeing people rise. From my grandmother's death I was able to start a career. From the losses of my love and my friends, I was able to achieve perspective. Whatever the case, this time in my life has not destroyed me, but left me experienced - somewhat more than I would've enjoyed - but experienced all the same. Reborn from the fire to face it all over again.

You know of my troubles with family and love and life. My time at art school finished with a bang of a similar fashion. It was mostly my fault of course; never seeing the outcome of my lies or actions until they're gone and I'm wishing there was an "undo" button. I asked a girl out, as far as I knew it was for a date, and we went to the cinema. Only there did I find out she had a boyfriend. I flowed with it all the same and when I was asked by my art tutor the next day how my date went, I said it went brilliantly, not naming names. However harmless the lie, time and again I find out that full honesty is the best medicine, no matter how horrible. Had I not shared this lie in the presence of another student, I may still be at art school today. But this was not an ordinary student.

Since I started at the art school, one student, Rick, had had it out for me for no reason at all. My presence annoyed him in his words. As he was a cruel, pot-smoking douche which everyone seemed to like, I tried my best to avoid him as much as possible. But it just so happened Rick was in the carpool on the way to school when I divulged my status-increasing lie to my tutor. So far, so good. Rick looked suspicious, but I felt that my lie went down well and that I'd gotten away with it. But little did I know that it was only the beginning of a chain of events which would lead to a terrible conclusion.

The girl I asked out was a friend of a friend, who I hung out with at school. When that friend texted me about why I hadn't been going to school as much lately, I joked around that I was dying. Hilarious to me. Less so to my friend. Somehow this got around to the girl I went to the movies with and from there, somehow Rick found out about it and then also that I never went on a "date". The car ride to school the next day, to say the least, was tense. Rick claimed that my date was a sham and that I should stop texting the girls. Little did I know that Rick had (at least in my eyes) either a crush on the girl I went to the cinema with and/or a vendetta against me. I passed it off and said that I dated several people, none of which he knew, and that it was none of his business. Luckily my fellow carpoolers bought the story and defended me. I came close to punching Rick that day; in fact I did try and trip him up on the stairs after I found out that the two girls had completely snubbed me and were gossiping. Rick threatened to kill me and I haven't been back since because quite frankly, I know I'll do the prick over and I've spent too long being a good person for him to mess it up.

So you see, once again lies have given me a valuable lesson. A lie to make myself seem more impressive and a joke which was in bad taste. Harmless. To everyone but myself. Time and again the consequences have proven this to me. I'll admit, I was unlucky to tell a lie while in the presence of the one person willing to doggedly disprove it just for the hell of it, but in any case, not telling it in the first place would've saved me a lot of heart ache. So you see, although many things change, some things never seem to. I never seem to learn from these lessons. I always seem to think I'm too smart to get caught lying. Too cunning. In the end I guess I'm not.

The reason I came on tonight was because another of my best friends online simply deleted me and made sure I could never contact him again for nothing more than messaging him and "not leaving him alone". I'll admit, I'm upset. He'd been my friend for more than a year and we'd had some good times together. I just guess that people don't see the world the way I do. I'm loyal and if I have a problem with you, I'll tell you instead of simply cutting you off. I'll be emotionally intuitive. I'll care. As my parents always tell me, the world just doesn't think like that. But in this time of new growth, it doesn't register as a strike against my heart, but as a new leaf of experience for me to grow from. Even as I write, the hurt is going. Probably because I also know that just a new experience comes, so do new friends. Enter Andy.

I spent a solid month lapping up any work I could get my hands on via the local student job search. On one such job I met Andy. We clicked immediately and although he doesn't contact me before I contact him, he seems like a good soul with a good head. Just as my view of people was waning, I find someone who is decent. Someone who doesn't act like a schoolboy, as with Rick or my other friends. Someone who is mature. Thankfully he hasn't asked my age, because if he had when I first met him I'd have probably told him a lie, and I've had too many relationships begin on a lie. It's not that I want to lie. It's just that it's safe within this shell. This mask where I can be whatever you want me to be. Where people take you seriously and don't dismiss you on age or who you date or what you do.

But wear my mask I still do. I'm even lying to my extended family now. After my grandmother died, I was able to acquire a professional camera from her estate. Although I'd rather have my grandmother, it seems almost a gift from her to me so I can have a career. But before long, I just have to taint it. I'm already saying that I've gotten a job at a magazine to my family, friends and even strangers, when the reality is that I haven't even sent in my portfolio. Every time I tell a lie it makes me feel that bit more distant from others.

This new beginning is too brilliant to taint with my lies. It shouldn't just be a new chance to put on new masks to make me feel secure. Maybe I've been burnt again and again to realize that I'm meant to. Maybe I'm not supposed to cover my vulnerability with these masks. Maybe this new chance is just that. A new chance. A chance to feel life as myself, the only version of me I'll ever be. But it's baby steps right now. It's hard to break the habit of a lifetime. I'm still just poking my head through the dirt.

Back Inside My Mask

My spirits high, my outlook bright - the last thing I thought was that I'd put my mask back on after being released from its' prison for so long. But back the mask is regardless. I've found myself lying again to those I encounter; I can't even tell co-workers where I study anymore or a girl how old I really am. I just lie my pants off. I guess the whole ordeal with Vikki really has dented my self-confidence again, and what better way to protect myself than through this iron mask which I place over my face.

I guess I should know better than to lie. Lying has gotten me into all kinds of trouble in the recent past, and will probably continue to do so if I don't stop. My problem is that I think no one will find out my lie. If I lie about my age, or where I study, or an imaginary date, I think I can manipulate the situation and keep my story real and living. But the reality is that if the truth doesn't come out one way or another, I still lose because every time I don't reveal my true self to someone I meet, I feel just that bit more alone.

But what other way do I know to protect myself? I seem to do it without even thinking and examine the consequences later. I guess deep down, I have some sort of justification where it's okay to keep myself hidden from the world. Like my idol Batman, I live two lives: One which only I know and the other the mask which I parade around like some jester. 

But somehow, this time it feels different. Last time I was inside my mask, I didn't know which was the real me, the mask or the person wearing it. And yet now, I know that the mask is not me at all. I recognize it and can own it. I manipulate this mask to whatever I want, while still knowing myself inside. I can hardly see how this makes things better. Before I was misguided and I did not know myself. Now? I know myself but I still use this mask to hide my true nature for some reason? Am I just a liar at heart?

Whatever the case, my lies still grow and fester like the plague on my skin. Maybe this mask isn't the one I grew up with. It feels new and foreboding. Maybe this mask isn't meant to protect me at all; maybe it's just a liar's mask. Maybe I should know better.

The First Mask Comes Off

Now, I don't know how many people cry for a week before they break up, but you can definitely add my name down as one. With many a sad Johnny Cash song and several tissue boxes behind me, I faced my demise last night and told Vikki the truth. I knew what to expect; rejection, disbelief and a lonely path ahead of me. The problem was I that I'm a dick and don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

So I just told her. There was silence at first and then Vikki said something which threw me. She said she didn't care. She explained that she'd been in a similar situation and that she knew there was more important things than physical being. I couldn't have been more wrong about her reaction. In fact, it only improved things between us. And most of all, it sent one of my masks crashing to the floor.

If one person can accept me for who I am, why can't the rest? Why should I care if the rest like me or not? If one person loves me, then that's enough for me. I've been putting this age mask over my face all my life and now it's finally been lifted and I'm liking what I see.

And with her simple acceptance of who I really am, Vikki has done me more good than she will ever know. I'm hoping to come out of the age closet soon, as I realize that all that hard work to hide who I really am just isn't worth it and it deprives others of seeing the real me. I'm not only cheating them, but myself too. Maybe it will set off a chain reaction in my life. I hope so.

For now, I am enjoying my new-found truth, honesty and acceptance. For the first time, I really don't give a shit about what others think of me. I guess all it took was a little bit of faith from someone else to help me along. And for that, I'm forever thankful.

Welcome To My Mask

Who am I? Right now, you are about as informed as I am. For now lets call me "Spawn Man" and you are my reader. I don't know what brings you here, but for me right now, it's an outlet to vent my thoughts and problems. Feel free to comment on the ongoing travesty which is my life. I don't pretend to be an emo - I am an emo, an old school emo who doesn't need black hair and goth music to be miserable. You wouldn't even know I'm a depressive; I'm outgoing, charming and happy. And that's where the page's title comes in.

All my life I've lived behind masks - they protect me, shelter me, allow me to fit in and most of all hide my demons. The problem is, who am I? I've put up all these masks and they all get used equally that I don't even know who I am any more. The more masks I pull off the more I find. Do I really want to know who I really am?

Maybe you have your masks, maybe you don't. If you came here to find salvation and joy, I suggest you find another blog. If there's any of that going around, I'll want to be the first to get it. Yes, it's not as if I want to be this way day in day out like those little Gothic freaks you see clustered in a pot smoking haze at high school. If I could snap my fingers and be happy I would. But then that wouldn't be very entertaining to read now would it?

You can expect from this blog a story of a normal person with issues going through his normal life. But we all know how life is anything but normal, so expect anything to be here. However, the one thing you won't see here is masks. I'm sick of masks and I'm sure you don't want to hear from a copyedited ray of sunshine or doom and gloomer. Straight from the heart and nothing else. And right now I feel like death itself. Read on...