Is Anybody Up There?

Well, after another sleepless night filled with weird and frightening dreams, I woke up early in my bed. The light of the day was just starting to shine through the curtains and of course, instead of simply rolling over and drifting back into blind sleep, the stupid cogs in my head had to start turning. Try as I might, I can never get this dumb motor in my skull to shut off for a second. The more I asked it to stop so I could recover some much needed sleep, the more it started whizzing around. So I decided to just lie there.

Me and God have a sort of love/hate relationship. I say I love him and he shows me how much hate he can have for someone. Of course I'm joking, but sometimes I do wonder if there is anyone up there looking down over me. In this age of science and reason, it takes a lot to persuade anyone to put their trust blindly in someone which could've quite possibly been constructed to ease man's fear of death. Me especially. 

Don't get me wrong, if there was some holy war or some calling I had to do, I'd do it without question. Deep down, I know I'll always be a good person. But when it comes to some things, I have a hard time trying to believe in God fully. In fact, a sense of silliness comes over me whenever I find myself talking randomly to the big guy in the sky. And this morning felt like a silly morning, so I thought I'd give it a crack.

So in a half-asleep stupor I starting babbling out my thoughts and hopes and fears to God in hope that it'd ease my mind. He's one tough bargainer - he managed to rope me into at least one session of church, some chores, some Bible reading time and a few covenants for his help in resolving the situation with Vikki (which ain't easy since I am strictly a non-religious religious person). Let's see if he delivers. You see, when I talk to God, strangely, he's like me. He's fair and promises to help at a price. It makes me wonder if we even talk to God at all and not some part of our uncontrolled subconscious.

It really helped though to get all my thoughts off my chest, even if I was completely convinced anyone was listening. Some how I managed to get through most of today not thinking all that much about my woes - I can definitely see the merits of passing on your sins to God etc. I just hope that the situation with Vikki can be resolved. In the end, I just want her to be happy and I promised God that if she really didn't want me around any more, then I'd accept that. I think in some ways, I was putting my happiness before hers which isn't a relationship at all, so I'm putting her first now. Look at me, I sound really silly now because you probably think I'm some religious nut. Well, the truth is far from it.

Me and my parents went through a few churches when I was young and each one had the same problems - Cliques, ignorance, intolerance and greed, they all have them in one extreme or another. The final straw for me was seeing the church bouncers throw out a homeless man for praying and preaching anti-gay sentiments. I'm not going to get into gay rights or anything right now, but I just feel that these qualities are not what God would've wanted for his churches. And besides, the church is the people, not the building, so I spend my Sundays at home or doing something I enjoy.

So for me religion is a flawed society which has strayed far from where it was intended to go. I don't know why I let God rope me into going back to church, or why I'm telling you guys this since I probably sound half mad, but if it helps the situation between me and Vikki, then I'm quite prepared to let the uncontrolled part of my subconscious have a little play. In any case, it's not as if I have anything better to do.