I was helping run the first term student exhibition at our art school back when I was a newbie to the campus and I was teamed up with a second year student called Joel. We got along pretty well - he was pretty self-important and useless, but it didn't really impose on me. We were all headed by a receptionist and exhibition helper Wendy, who I was polite, but cautious to from the beginning since she was very cliquey with certain members of the school. Things were going well until the second term.
The second term's student exhibition rolled around and Joel was assigned to coordinate. However, he also needed a co-coordinator and I'd done more than anyone the previous term so I was looking for the role. But now Joel had the power he'd craved for so long and he certainly wasn't going to share it with anyone, especially someone who could show him up like me. He flatly refused to accept a co-coordinator and from there we stopped talking and things even got less than polite. I even stopped helping out at the exhibition because both Joel and Wendy started bossing me around. Fast forward several months and term to today.
I was sitting in the lunch area out on the lawn of our campus today talking with a couple of people. I hadn't seen them in ages since I went extra-mural, so they were asking me what I'd been up to. When one asked why I wasn't helping out with this term's exhibition, I replied "I'm not traveling an hour and a half on a smelly bus just to work my arse off and be bossed around by Joel and Wendy". Then I'm pretty sure I called Joel a troll before the person I was talking to pointed out the fact that Joel was sitting eating his lunch behind a bush within earshot of us and was now looking kind of hurt.
I tried to pass it off as if I didn't care that he heard, but immediately I felt this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. He's a jerk, you can't deny, but I'm ashamed. What have I become? I'm supposed to be the one being talked about and the one getting bullied, and now I've done something completely against my moral compass. Against everything that is me. I let my emotions compromise my morals as a human being and my very nature.
The whole bus ride home I could only think about my actions and how far I've strayed over this last harrowing month. Not only have I let Vikki and our problems consume my life, my happiness and my drive, but now I'd let it take my values. It's one move too far. I'm a good person. I care about other's feelings and am sensitive. I know what it's like to be bullied and feel like no one likes you. And now I've done something so cruel and horrible that it only highlights what I've become. To put it bluntly, the situation is ridiculous. Moping and crying was fine, but as soon as the problems affect me as a person, then that's it. It's time to get this train back on the tracks.
I've sent a message to Vikki saying I was sorry for playing games with her and I'm going to apologize to Joel tomorrow. I had planned to walk to his house tonight, but I don't know what his address is exactly. I don't know if this goodwill will last, but I know I need to try. I had been hoping that my life would sort itself out and that everything would fall into place. Wrong! I need to make my own life. After the fog cleared today I feel like for this last month I've been a horrible person. I feel so dirty and wrong. I just hope it isn't too late to get back to where I was. I know I'm a good person, but now I need to prove it to myself by making things right. I don't know how hard it'll be, or how long it will take, but in the end there is no way I'm going to let myself turn into a monster.
This ends now. It's time to take charge again.
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