The Dance

I can feel myself doing a dance with my mind. Slowly and gracefully I join hands with it as we both descend into oblivion. Every day there's hate and sorrow and joy and helplessness. A new cycle for every moment and every moment one closer to my death. All I can do is watch as my life and everything around me dissolves. Despite my pride, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. Here's a guy who's been fed shit by life all his life. He gets something special and tries his hardest to keep it, but all it ends with is just him not only back where he started, but back further than that. At least before I met Vikki I was happy and going out and about. Sure I felt un-accepted and unlovable, but now, I'm like a vegetable at home. No one definitely loves me now.

Every day I'm reminded of my loss, as if the pain isn't great enough. In the hope of hearing a reply from the one I love, I check my messages daily. Probably twice or three times daily. And every time I do all I see is that smug message of "No New Messages!" as if it's a big laugh. Ha ha ha, nobody cares enough to email you. What a loser. Ha ha ha.

And today I woke up crying and hugging my bed. I'd been having a dream where I was at a party and there was a dance in this fancy restaurant. And through the people I saw Vikki standing there. In my dream we danced and it was laden with such emotion I had to wake up. You know that sad yearning sorrow you get from dreams, in your half-asleep state, like when you see a dead loved-one or a past flame? Well I get that often now and this morning was no different. Even in my sleep I am reminded of my loss.

My parents sat me down and said that they were worried about me today. They said I never talked any more and that I was losing it. They're probably right but I put on the "I'm fine" mask and looked away. Their words echoed in my head before dissipating. No one can help me now. I feel I'm too far gone. It's like I'm down a deep dark chasm and I can see all these ledges for me to land on. But I don't want to. Maybe I want to fall. Maybe I want to just lose myself completely. Maybe I think that Vikki is at the bottom. All I know is that this chasm is feeling more and more like home than the bright happiness ever was. And I'm all alone down here.

In the end we are all alone. All this shit is going to end some day. And it's not like I ever had lots of friends or family to have. The closest friends I have at the moment is a tie between my cricket team who are leaving for the season break and my xbox live friends, and well, we don't need to go on about relationships and friendships over the internet. I'm just so sad I can't even think about what I'm going to say. Fuck, this is probably a really depressing read, if you've even made it this far without hanging yourself.

I am just really out of words. I've cried all my tears and I've screamed all my hurt. I've punished my body and I've cleared my mind and filled it again like a well after the rains. I've been through the worst month of my life and I'm relying on Vikki to reply or show she even cares, or that I'm not just some piece of shit to her, in order to make me happy or move on. But I can't move on without her. There's this fear there which I can't shake and every moment she lets me sit like this I hate her more and loathe myself. All these feelings and not once can I feel what I need - relief. Just relief. That breath you take with your eyes shut, knowing that you don't have a care in the world and that you are safe. Knowing you are loved and that there isn't someone you need to talk to.

And talk I can't. Not to my parents, not to myself and not to Vikki. I don't even know where she lives any more, so some big romantic gesture of turning up on her doorstep with a rose is out of the question. 

A friend once told me that time heals everything. At the moment, it only looks like it'll be healing the ground where I bury myself.