What Do I Do?

What do I do? I've been asking myself this a lot lately. I'd had enough and sent Vikki an email tonight asking for closure and to know what was going to happen between us. I needed to know because this limbo is killing me. Slowly and surely, it is killing me. Killing my life from within. I explained my thoughts carefully and politely. I didn't respect a reply. Vikki hadn't replied to any of my emails for nearly a month. A cold wall of silence which was driving me more insane than the prospect of losing my love. But then something happened which I didn't expect.

I looked a moment ago and there was a reply. And in it, Vikki wished me good luck in whatever I put my heart to and that I'm free like I've always been. What am I supposed to make of that? That she's cutting me loose? I feel as if I've never meant anything to her and that I have been sent away into the cold. I feel like shit. No masks, no lies - I feel like utter shit. A piece of shit on someone's shoes who's walked me through the house and just wants to clean me up before I get in the way. What does this mean?

I guess I was hoping for the "I still love you and want to be with you" reply, but maybe she never loved me. If that is the case, how dumb am I? How could I have been so blind? Surely it isn't true. If it is, she is not the woman I loved. Not the woman which would have handled my heart with care and respect. Like I did with hers. I feel used and abused and worthless. I guess I feel dumped. And yet I am only speculating. Maybe I'm misinterpreting? Or maybe I am just a schmuck who doesn't know when he's nothing anymore.

And I have no one to confide in. No one but you anonymous reader who is but reading upon this sorry saga. You can do nothing. I can do nothing. All is gone and no more. I always believed in the saying that you reap what you sow. And I only sowed good and love into the relationship. I was the best partner I could be and respected her as highly as I could. Above and beyond. So why do I feel so betrayed? So crushed? So ruined? Reap what you sow? What a pile of rubbish. If it were true then I'd have Vikki in my arms right now.

I really thought in being a good partner, more than any I know, that life would give me a break. That life would see I was being good and just and simply make something right for me. That it would give me something that glimmers and is special for me alone. But no. Not for me, never for me. A cursed wretch of life I am. It can fuck with me all it likes and I have no reply. No safe haven I can turn to and assume the fetal position in. Dropped from the cricket team I play for, my promised job given to someone else, sleepless nights and mornings, bruises and scrapes from where I was beaten by someone I won't name. What is this life of mine?

Don't pity me. I have always lived by the rule that these are the best years of my life. All the years I am truly happy are useless. But all these many, many years where I am miserable are the ones I truly learn in. And boy am I learning. I just wish the lessons would stop. The incessant lessons. I get it already life! Stop punishing me for whatever I've done and let me be happy for once in my fucking life you prick. There! You've made me break and bend. I know that you only mess with me life to see if I will. Like some sick child with a magnifying glass zapping ants for fun, you sick fuck.

And yet life, I can't live without you. Give me a break and we can both get our way. Just give me a break. I'm at the edge of my life here and you continue to push me. Don't push me any more. Just don't push...