It's like my soul's been put in a body which isn't mine - I know I'm not meant to be here. When I was 15 I couldn't play cricket for a team until I was 18. All the girls I meet are just that bit older. And I've lived with it - until now, when a situation arose which I know is a slap in the face meant to wound.
All my life I've felt judged by my age. I was always in the advanced classes, but that meant I was also the youngest in those very classes meant to help me. I was almost never judged by my peers in a positive light, and their only defense needed to be my inadequate age. At the moment, everyone at my university thinks I'm 20 - I'm so scared of being judged by my age and not my birth years, I've put on another mask to hide my real self. Only a select few know my real age, and even then I detect my age becoming a factor in the way they perceive me.
And so it was the case when met an amazing girl online, called "Vikki". When she first asked me my age, I didn't know our friendship would grow into something more beautiful, so naturally I said I was 20. But develop a relationship we did. For most normal people, this would be awesome. For most 17 year olds, there'd be cries of "Score!" to be had. However, all I could muster was guilt and self-loathing. My own defense mechanism had worked against me. Again.
I knew the chances of me ever seeing her were slim, but since she only lives a couple of hours away, she began to say that we would as things got more intense. I know the difference between love and lust, and this was something special. We connect on every level and have a mutual respect for each other. I know that a person like that only comes around once in a lifetime, so I couldn't possibly pass it up.
And then the cogs started turning in my head: She's going to find out eventually, especially if you ever see her. You really love her, why are you lying to her? If you ever want this to work out, you need to tell her you're 17. The problem was actually telling her!
To make matters worse, she's just had a birthday and is now 21, and also has a brother who is older than me. That's a four year age gap and the nagging thought you're banging your kid brother. Life just isn't fair; the one time I find something that is special and mine, something conspires against me to deny me. If I was her age, I'd have no problem at all. We'd be a perfect match. But life's not like that is it.
I don't really care if I get her or not - I'd rather she was happy. And I really don't care if fate has conspired against me again - I'm used to it. What I'm scared of is if she says no, and I never find another soul that completes me as much as hers does. We're only on this earth once, and it'd be just damn cruel to let me lose on such a love to a few years. Love is meant to make you happy. It worked on me for a while, but now it's returned me back down to earth where I obviously belong. Life isn't meant to be this hard.
So I've prepared my speech, practiced my apologies and hoped for the best, but I know no matter how good a person she is, the relationship won't last from this and I'll be left on my own again with no one to love me for me. Get off this blog right now and find your true love - if you already have one, how dare you not be telling them how much you love them right now - because if anything, let my life be a lesson to you. Love is too valuable to waste.
No comments:
Post a Comment