Dreams

I had such a vivid dream of Vikki last night. I woke up pretty sad as you do when you realize it is only a dream. We were making love and it was just really nice. And it's funny because I never have sex dreams - in fact I categorically always wake up before the damn dream can get to the business. But no, it just had to let me know what I was missing out on in my dream this time. Just to torture me.

I really can't be bothered with the whole thing any more, yet I can't seem to shake this underlying sense of rage and pain. Every time I want to do something I always procrastinate it and get angry. All the stuff I had dreamed of doing once Vikki was gone, to make myself happy, is now on the back burner. I want to do things, but something inside me holds me back. I can't quite tell what's going on but I hope to ride it out. Before it's too late.

Well, my birthday came and went. No notes from my family. I've either been disowned or forgotten by everyone but my parents. Even random people off the internet sent me more birthday greetings than my estranged relatives. One lone card from my parents sits on the mantel piece, but to be honest, it's all I need. They really did treat me to a wonderful day and I hope to make them proud by being the man I should be as I grow older.

And I am proud of myself. I am a good guy. I hate to blow my own horn, but no one else seems to want to. Vikki was damn lucky to have me and it really irks me that she thinks it fit to just toss me aside whenever she wants. Well screw her. I bent over backwards for her and I challenge her to find anyone better. I know I'm flawed now, but I know it's from all she's put me through. Hopefully as soon as this feeling of anger passes, I'll be my old self again.

Let's just hope that it passes...