Once In A Sad Moon

I went for a drive with my parents around the harbour and ocean tonight. The moon sat low on the horizon and loomed bigger and bigger as it rose about the mountains. Behind the yellow hue I could see the sad face it hid. It was such a beautiful moon. It was such a sad moon. Sad because it reminded me of myself. A hollow vessel drifting along this sea of rage and sadness, giving light to others but keeping none for myself. Behind the bright yellow hue, lies a dark side to this sad moon. But no one can see it. No one but me.

As we drove around, my parents unknowing to the agony of my thoughts in the back seat, my mind drifted to Vikki once more. Everything that was promised to me is gone. All the time we spent, all the dreams, all the good moments. Gone. This drive should've been us. We should've been gazing upon that sad moon together, contemplating its loneliness and being thankful we didn't feel the same. How can someone, anyone, throw all that away just like that? I did nothing wrong to her and yet in the space of a month she has turned on my like I'm the worse possible choice in her life. And yet I can't help but wonder.

What if? What if is a damned sentence. What if things had been different? What if? I'm sick of these thoughts. They internalize in my stomach and rebound in there like naughty children. I have no escape from them - too sad to go for a walk, too angry to not. My parents are not ones I can talk to - I mean their intentions are good but we are on completely different wave-lengths. And so I've been forced to talk to some stranger.

For a while now I've been ringing a youth help line. Even if they don't come up with answers, it helps just to voice these thoughts and have someone listen. I feel so alone sometimes. My family, Vikki, my friends. Even this blog reassures me that no matter what stranger reads it, I'm completely alone in this world. At a time when my feeling are getting worse, I just want someone to be there for me. To hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay.

And really, my feelings are getting worse. Not the intensity, but their shyness. Days go by and I feel fine. Some days better than fine. But as soon as I begin to express myself or put my feelings into words like I am now, they seem to resurge forth with increased vigor. One day I'll have forgiven Vikki, but seeing her name or picture, and I'll cry for the night. I'll have a good day and one sad moon will bring out the melancholy in me. I'll not talk to anyone thinking I can handle my emotions, and then one call to a counsellor and I suddenly feel sadder than ever from the words which come spilling out. All these feelings and all these emotions. I really have stopped trying to decipher them and just let them take me over. I give up, I really do. But at the same time, I'm scared.

I don't want to become my feelings. I don't want to become an irritable man who wont let anyone love him. But how can I recover from this wound where Vikki placed her knife so deeply? And she really did. I was willing to die for her, to spend the rest of my life with her and to make her happy. And to have all that thrown back in my face. To be told basically it's not good enough and that it doesn't matter. To just be thrown aside because Vikki got a new job. It is devastating and I cannot cope. I'm happy on the outside, yet deep down I'm more distraught than magma. But worst yet, my own feelings are beginning to become unknown to me. The emotions I was once so in tune with are hiding themselves deep within me until they burst forth at the most varied moments. How can I cope with anger and rage and sadness, when even I don't know when I'm harboring them any more?

I want Vikki back so much. I love her. Maybe I'm a fool, but I am sad because she deserves to be treated right and on my life, I would've done that. All these things I want to do for my partner - flowers, gifts, love and words - and even the woman who said she loved them and me dearly, doesn't want them any more. I am at a loss. I really do give up. Coming into this I was a lovable, kind and caring young man who believed in God and love and fairness. Now I've come away Godless, cruel, twisted and torn and most wizened than I would have liked.

If I had a time machine I would've gone back and changed things. My councilor reassures me it wasn't my fault, and I do believe that all of this is Vikki's doing as she was the one who simply gave up, but now seeds of doubt have begun to creep into my mind. Maybe I'm not as lovable as I thought. Maybe all my good partner traits and love which I gave was too much? Maybe I'm too intense? And that's my fear. That even if a woman gets past my average looks, that in time she'll realize that even my personality isn't good enough and leave me like Vikki has. Every good friend that's ever left me, maybe it was me that pushed them away? Every time someone bullied me, maybe it was my fault? The arguments I have with my parents, maybe I'm just a bad son? Maybe I'm too blame for everything - they say to take responsibility, but is this too much?

Deep down, a part of me knows this isn't true. But another also tells me it is. And tonight, no one is here to tell me that I'm not to blame for everything. That I was a good boyfriend and a good son and a good person. No one is here because I'm alone as I always am. Maybe it'd just be better if I removed myself from this wretched life if it's all my fault. Why should I just wait around for me to just force away another person, or think that I have? What happens when the next girl finds out I'm damaged goods. I cry out that I'm not! But do I really believe myself?

And out there in the cold night is the sad moon. Look at me it screams out to the people watching it. Every fake smile and every grimace leaves it feeling further from home. Leaves it feeling more alone than before. And yet it shines on, deciding whether to just set into the starry night for good or continue this charade. This charade of not knowing it's feelings. Of not knowing if it's to blame. Of not being able to cope. Of being taken for granted and unappreciated. Of feeling helpless and stuck in a hole that's closing on him. I can't struggle with these feelings forever. Eventually one will destroy the other. Do I let my emotions take over or do I find some way to force them out? Every day that passes I can feel myself slipping. More and more into a coma. So deep that I will not even be aware when it's all too late for me.

I stare out at that sad yellow moon resting on the horizon and wonder if somewhere out there, Vikki is looking at that same sad yellow moon and thinking of me. And then I think better...