It's Started Again

It's 7:30 am and it's started again. I didn't even get a good sleep. Not only did I have dreams about Vikki betraying me, but it also threw Laura in there too, just to make sure I woke up remembering all the betrayals of yesterday. I do not know what to do. I've got 12 hours before I can talk to anyone who knows what I'm going through. I know I'll be checking messages and my emails to see if she's sent me anything, and she wont have. Then the thoughts will just be bouncing around in my head until I speak to my counselor. And even then I suspect I'll be fine for a day, until Vikki either replies with something I don't expect or doesn't reply at all. Then it'll start all over again.

I'm shivering all over and I cannot do anything but get up and walk to random edges of the room and look blankly into an object. I'm losing it. It's taking all of me to write this and I feel like such a loser. There's this part of my which cannot do anything to untangle itself from this mess - this part might as well be all of me. Then there's this other part watching it all unfold, helpless to do anything. What if I'm already insane and I don't know it. Great, now I'll never find anyone. And why am I so obsessed with finding someone? What the fuck is wrong with me?! I just want to do what normal people do. I want a girlfriend who just says "Fuck you, I don't love you anymore". And when that happens, I want to just be the guy who goes out on the town with a few mates and comes back refreshed.

But no, I'm not like that. I cannot understand why. It is all fucked and today is already more than I can bear. If my mum wakes up and I can't fake happiness well enough, I really cannot be bothered putting up with her today also. So I've just got under 12 hours left. 12 hours until I know my thoughts are appreciated and heard by someone physical at the other end. Someone who cares. I just want someone to make it stop. I can't even breathe and Vikki is out there having a great time. It's more than I can handle. I want her to be happy. But I want her to be fair and when you've said we can't talk and everything to someone you supposedly loved, that's not fair. Not fair when you then just go and have a great time and not tell him you have time to talk. Even for 5 minutes. 

Oh my God oh my God oh my God. I cannot do this. Every second of every minute, all that I'm sad over comes rushing back in. All my mistakes, the what ifs, the regrets and sorrow from my life. I just want it to stop!