A Place Of Dying

I went with my family to see my grandmother (the good one, not the one which disowned us) at the nursing home where she now resides. I don't like rest homes - between the stench of shit, piss and death and the fact no one there knows you, even the one you're related to, there's not much to like about them. You basically go there to die. It's where the cattle goes to live out it's life where no one can see them or hear them. I always fear I'll end up like them, my body a prison for my mind. Do they know deep down where they are or what's happening? I can only imagine the terror, seeing yourself sit day in and day out wallowing until one day you beg for your death. I never want to end up like that. I want a long, good life, but not one where it ends with me being there.

My grandmother was good. Her words trailed off now and then, but for a moment, she recognized me. The hardest part was knowing that our visits are the highlight of her life now, the only feature which separates the monotonous drone of nothing. She asked what the time was, as if she'd realized she'd been in her room for years and that outside the walls around her breathed a world which carried on. I can only imagine it being similar to being grounded inside your room while your friends play outside. Only that it isn't your friends and that your room is actually a nightmare where you are merely an onlooker into your own world. Helpless.

As we went to drive off, a few varied old people tried to attack the car as if it was some B-Grade zombie flick. It's always difficult leaving, not knowing if your loved one will still be there the next time you visit. It puts your life into perspective. And perspective for me is only depression.

Why should I wait for Vikki when I could be gone tomorrow? What a wasted life if I die and nothing I wanted is complete. All my life I've feared dying young. Young and unfulfilled. And Vikki gave me that fulfillment. I pinned all my hopes and dreams and love to her bright star like a fool. Every word I ever uttered to her I gave away. All the plans of marriage and children. Heck, even our first kiss. I pinned them all to her and she simply flew away taking them all with her without a care for me or how I am to continue without everything I gave away. Do I wait for her or do I carry on?

I have but a small amount of hope in my heart and it that which is killing me. I do not simply want to cast this hope away incase Vikki comes back to me - if I've cast it away I will surely not want her back. But if I keep this hope I will feel like a fool and I will surely cast aside any other love which tries to enter my life. So what must I do? Wait or not wait? Remember or forget? I really do wish someone would gift me a sheet of answers so that I may pass this time in my life.

I am waiting in my heart, but with each day that passes I can feel my hatred growing. I fear that when she returns, I'll hate her so much that I will resent her every breath. Try as I might to simply forget her, this pain from my broken heart continues to resound in my diaphragm. And it really is a physical sensation. From my heart to my stomach I can feel a weight. A dilemma. I will try to forget her and what has happened. If I live freely and do let other loves into my life if they come, then I can't resent her. And it will also stop me feeling so upset about her too.

All I know is that I don't want my heart to become a place of dying.