The Walk

I've found out I'm a pretty screwed up person lately. I know that Vikki doesn't have internet yet in her new home, that I've said everything I need to in my last email to her and that there's no point moping around waiting for her reply. And yet I do. I actually think this last month has wiped about 5-10 years off my already probably short life span. When communication is cut off, I just don't know how to cope. Thoughts just bounce around in my head and multiplay and fester like a wound. Nothing heals it until I speak to who I need to. And even then, undoubtedly I will think of several more worries as soon as I've finished talking. I have so many questions right now, which I've pestered both myself, my parents, you my loyal readers and many others with for the past few weeks. 

Do you still love me? Do you still want to be in a relationship with me? Did you mean that you weren't going any where? Did you mean that you weren't like other people? Why does it feel like you're treating me like someone you've met off the street? Why can't we be together? Why does it seem like you've moved on? Do you care at all that I'm hurt? If you love me so much, why aren't you fighting for me? Why?

Can you imagine this beating around in a head which is already full with memories of friends committing suicide, families disowning you, school work and cricket teams dumping you. And now make this fly through like a snowball picking up steam at a million miles per hour. Then factor in this being your first love, the feelings of being hurt and betrayed and not having the communication which you want and need and not knowing if everything's going to be alright with no one you can talk to. Don't feel pity for me, I just want my brain to stop sometimes. Sometimes I can't even collect my thoughts they're going so fast. Even when I sleep my brain throws out dream after dream. I'm never at peace and nobody around me gets it.

I like adventures and today, I felt like one to get me out of this funk. However, no one in my family was willing to do the kind I wanted. Sure on a normal day, bowling or a walk around a park would have been sufficient. But today, I wanted to smash the shit out of something. I wanted to push my body to a burnt shell of itself. Something so different and hard that it would take my mind of my hurt and onto my bodily hurt from the punishment I would be sending my way. So I decided to just leave everyone behind and walk. Not just any walk, but the mother of all walks. Admittedly, I was stupid when I set off - I grabbed no money, no cellphone or sunscreen during the hot midday sun. I just left with me and my clothing. 

I'd been planning this walk for a while. The truth is, I was planning it for me and Vikki when she came over so that we could spend the day out taking photographs and enjoying each other, but I'd wanted to scope it out first to see how long it'd take. In the city where I live we have these amazing bays - beach and rock pool-lined bays where the roads wind on and on. As a child I'd been driven around them countless times - my fondest memories are being driven around at night listening to old songs with my parents. Every now and again we still go on those drives, but the sound system in our new car sucks, so it's not nearly as fun. I'd set my sights on walking around them. Holy moly, what a mission. At least I can rule out ever taking Vikki on a walk around them if we ever get back together.

I started at 1:00 pm and by the time my dad picked me up, it was 4:00 pm. I started off and walked and walked and walked. I only made it halfway however - without my cellphone or cash, there was no way I'd make it back in time to avoid my mother biting my head off if I went the whole way. I found a phone at a surf club and called home, but I achieved exactly what I intended. Not once did I feel down or sad because of Vikki. I hardly even thought about the whole thing. All I could focus on was the sun burn I was getting, the tiny footpaths and the big trucks looming up on me as I tried to cross them. Everything was perfect - the cicadas and crickets were in full bloom with their sounds melting into the waves beside me. Every so often a car would drive by and a couple with children or dogs would pass by with their smiles. The things I saw - I really did feel like Frodo from The Lord Of The Rings as I watched my suburb grow smaller and eventually vanish with each turn and bay I traversed.

I know, this isn't like my usual depressive and sad self. To tell the truth, whether it was the sun, sea or fresh air and exercise, the walk really did do the trick. I am talking more and definitely much happier than before. Most importantly is that I don't feel so rushed to talk to Vikki any more. My only regret is not finishing the walk. I came so close and would have if I hadn't been concerned for my mum. I plan to complete it later on before winter completely sets in. Thank goodness I did walk it out first before I took anyone on a date, let alone Vikki. I can imagine my date dumping me as soon as we reached home, covered in sweat and the shoulder strap from her camera having worn a deep furrow into her skin. Probably a slap too.

Along my way I saw what my country really has to offer - such a beautiful coast line and sea which many people overlook. It really was a wonderful experience and despite traversing the length of several suburbs and valleys in my quest for personal enlightenment and a furious sun tan, I'd do it again in a heart beat. Nothing entered my head. No worries, no thoughts. Just my pace and my feet hitting the hard concrete and sand. Just the birds overhead and the sea lapping my side. The dead penguin and the shady people at the public toilet. The cute dog bouncing over the waves. Just peace.

Sorry reader if I disappoint for straying from my usual rant about how my life sucks, which at times it does, but this experience was amazing and really helped. Now let's just hope that the effects don't wear off and that everything I desire comes to fruition. And maybe, I won't have to walk alone forever. Goodnight reader, where ever you are.