The Rut

Well, I broke my own rules today and checked my emails. As I suspected, nothing from Vikki but the icy shoulder. I'm less hurt than I thought I'd be, but it's still upsetting. It's as if I never even existed to her. That I'm just someone she can leave behind to wallow in this rut I've made for myself. And it really is my own fault. I should never have pinned all my hopes to her and all my dreams. I guess it's me though. Every relationship I've ever had is intense. Every relationship I'll go to the ends of the earth for you. I know I'm mistaken now when I say I thought she'd do the same.

I felt so lost today. I don't know what I'm doing with myself any more, or what my future holds. My art has dried up. Heck, I can't even bring myself to draw anything without the hurt tearing a hole in my heart.Vikki has left a huge chasm in my life and I am so furious at myself for letting myself wallow so. I know I should just be getting on with my life, but I can't seem to do it. I just can't seem to stop thinking about what we had and what's going to happen. About this hurt.

When I was with her, I was never like this. If she was on holiday or couldn't talk, I never worried. But now that we're not talking for good, I just can't get over it. I feel pathetic and useless. I've been a horrible person to live with lately and everything I enjoyed I no longer do. Some men may equate success with money, a job or a career. Me? I don't care much for those things. For love, I would give up the highest paying job to live on the streets. My success is a family and a happy wife. I really thought I could have that with Vikki. She made me feel like I was successful. Every time she'd say I was the best boyfriend ever or that she loved me, I'd feel this swelling joy in my heart that I have not felt since she has left.

I don't even know if I'm making sense or not, but reader, this is agony. This horrid, rancid rut with the decaying corpses of my past and future which I must sleep and live in is agony. Why can't I cope without her? I thought I was being brave and moving on like a good soldier. But now my thoughts are just jumbled and I dare not tell anyone for fear of the truth. The truth which I already know. The truth that I am one pathetic individual. Why would any girl want me?

The joy is just not there any more. Why am I relying on Vikki to be in control of my joy? I know it is wrong, but like a magnetic force, I can do nothing, it seems, to crawl out of this rut. Maybe I'm meant to die in here. Maybe it's justice.

Love/Hate

These past few days have been strange for me. Every day I go through at least one cycle of loving and then hating Vikki, or vice versa. This is why I've barred myself from sending her messages - the one in the morning will sing her praises and profess how I love her. The one in the afternoon says she's mucking me around and that I wish I'd never met her. If I make it to midnight, I'll usually send an apology saying how much I love her again. I don't know what to make of it.

I haven't checked my email in nearly 4 days now, a short time to some, but an agonizingly long period for me. I know that if I succumb to my inner voice and check them, I'll only be disappointed to see that she has not sent me anything. However, the little ounce of annoying hope inside me screams to check my emails because she's probably sent me something. What an optimist.

I really am trying to forget her but everything around me is remind me so much of her. Anything Australian or to do with unicorns or anything we shared together just drives me crazy. And to top it all off, I met an Australian girl yesterday who looked exactly like Vikki and loved photography and, believe it or not, was named Nikki. It's as if they're taunting me, whoever is in charge of this life of mine. It doesn't help that I'm sick and must dwell indoors with only my thoughts to accompany me.

A Place Of Dying

I went with my family to see my grandmother (the good one, not the one which disowned us) at the nursing home where she now resides. I don't like rest homes - between the stench of shit, piss and death and the fact no one there knows you, even the one you're related to, there's not much to like about them. You basically go there to die. It's where the cattle goes to live out it's life where no one can see them or hear them. I always fear I'll end up like them, my body a prison for my mind. Do they know deep down where they are or what's happening? I can only imagine the terror, seeing yourself sit day in and day out wallowing until one day you beg for your death. I never want to end up like that. I want a long, good life, but not one where it ends with me being there.

My grandmother was good. Her words trailed off now and then, but for a moment, she recognized me. The hardest part was knowing that our visits are the highlight of her life now, the only feature which separates the monotonous drone of nothing. She asked what the time was, as if she'd realized she'd been in her room for years and that outside the walls around her breathed a world which carried on. I can only imagine it being similar to being grounded inside your room while your friends play outside. Only that it isn't your friends and that your room is actually a nightmare where you are merely an onlooker into your own world. Helpless.

As we went to drive off, a few varied old people tried to attack the car as if it was some B-Grade zombie flick. It's always difficult leaving, not knowing if your loved one will still be there the next time you visit. It puts your life into perspective. And perspective for me is only depression.

Why should I wait for Vikki when I could be gone tomorrow? What a wasted life if I die and nothing I wanted is complete. All my life I've feared dying young. Young and unfulfilled. And Vikki gave me that fulfillment. I pinned all my hopes and dreams and love to her bright star like a fool. Every word I ever uttered to her I gave away. All the plans of marriage and children. Heck, even our first kiss. I pinned them all to her and she simply flew away taking them all with her without a care for me or how I am to continue without everything I gave away. Do I wait for her or do I carry on?

I have but a small amount of hope in my heart and it that which is killing me. I do not simply want to cast this hope away incase Vikki comes back to me - if I've cast it away I will surely not want her back. But if I keep this hope I will feel like a fool and I will surely cast aside any other love which tries to enter my life. So what must I do? Wait or not wait? Remember or forget? I really do wish someone would gift me a sheet of answers so that I may pass this time in my life.

I am waiting in my heart, but with each day that passes I can feel my hatred growing. I fear that when she returns, I'll hate her so much that I will resent her every breath. Try as I might to simply forget her, this pain from my broken heart continues to resound in my diaphragm. And it really is a physical sensation. From my heart to my stomach I can feel a weight. A dilemma. I will try to forget her and what has happened. If I live freely and do let other loves into my life if they come, then I can't resent her. And it will also stop me feeling so upset about her too.

All I know is that I don't want my heart to become a place of dying.

Hunted

I feel like prey being hunted in the night. I don't know what's following me or why, but I know it's there. It's like a physical presence behind me and no matter how long I try and stay in front of it, I know it's going to catch up to me. Whether it's the truth of my feelings, my actions or just the late nights, I know it's there, trailing my every move ready to pounce. Now I truly know how that little buffering bar feels on YouTube videos when the play bar finally meets up with it.

It's quite unsettling and I've tried to run from my feelings for a long time. Lately I've been masking them with my anger and my depression and my numbness. But maybe it's time that I stopped running from whatever is chasing me and turn around to face it. Maybe then I can live as I want. For now, I'll keep on running and keep on looking behind my shoulder into the cold night, waiting for that beast to emerge from the bushes. Until I can stop and face my fears.

Food For Thought

Well tonight was a family night out, a chance to forget my woes and problems. It didn't work. The restaurant was swarming with girls and it just made me feel annoyed seeing all those happy couples together, canoodling against the candle light. My parents can't see what's eating me inside and my only outlet is a blog shared with complete strangers. I do find it ironic sometimes. So as I sat and devoured my plate of ribs, porcine rib by porcine rib, my mind was racing. I'd sent a Happy Valentines Day email to Vikki a few nights ago and she'd chosen to ignore it. Obviously she doesn't care, so why should I? Why should I sit and miss her so and miss out on life just because she isn't ready for a relationship? How do I even know if she's coming back to me?

I've decided that come what may, I'm moving on. If she can't get her act together, then I'm not chasing ghosts for the rest of my limited youth. If she wants to get back together, then I'll see then, but I am certainly actively looking now. My parents had put it nicely in that there's many more fish in the sea - I would've liked Vikki, but if it's not meant to be then there's no point sticking around when we could both be happy else where. Despite my new resolute decisions, I still have my doubts. Deep inside of me there's a conflict. One side says I should just move on. The other says no. Which is correct?

I'm always so considerate and kind, especially to the ones I love. Saying that I'm just going to move on and actively seek other people seems so unlike me, so inconsiderate to Vikki and cruel in a way - after all, it still seems she wants me, but just doesn't know how. However, what if this considerate side of me is just a mask I show myself? A mask to fool myself into thinking I'm a nice person? What if I've always been the opposite and once again, I'm hiding the truth, but this time from me.

All I know is that sometimes, I don't even know myself any more.

Missing You

Today was hard for me. Some idiot made fun of my voice and it just made me think of Vikki. She wouldn't have done that. She thinks my voice is sexy. I just missed her a lot today. I've been praying every night that she's happy, well looked after and finds someone for her, even if it isn't me. This just proves that I wear a mask with everyone, even God. What I really want to ask him is to send her back to me so I can love her and she can love me like we have been. To fix out the problems and give us a happy life together. But that'd be selfish. 

And so, even with his Almighty I wear a mask. Whether he can see past it or not, I don't know. All I know is that I feel lost without Vikki and you are are probably getting bored shitless listening to me pine on like some lost puppy. I dunno, I guess strangely, I made this blog just for me, to help through times when I need it. Hopefully it'll help someone out there eventually, most likely what not to do.

Bleeding...

Walking around today I felt like a wounded animal, bleeding onto the floor around me - a deep wound which is pouring me dry. I'd pass people with my happy face and wonder if they saw behind my eyes. Through the mask, the one that says I'm fine and that I'm not hurting. But I am. There were couples everywhere in town today. Happy, lovely couples. And every time I passed each one, they'd stare into my eyes and I'd think for a moment they saw my pain.

I'm just numb. I don't care much about anything anymore. I don't even have the strength to argue with my dad or feel anything but this overwhelming ocean of nothing. Out there is the one I love. I just want to make her happy and protect her and be the one for her. I'm just so confused about the whole affair and as to what I should do. It's like my life is on standby - I may be throwing myself into new situations and experiences, but I know it's only to stop me from topping myself, so in a way, that's a form of waiting as well. So I guess I will be waiting for Vikki, whatever I do. I am just bleeding and no one knows why. But me.

Will You Be My Valentine?

Alone yet again and as if life was intending to add insult to injury, on Valentines Day no less. Watching my parents swap their love cards and head off to see a movie should be a nice occasion, but all it has served is to make me feel enraged. As soon as they left I threw what could only be called a "big boy's tantrum", where a certain object was smashed against my bed's leg post numerous times. Of all the days to be alone. 

I remember last year's Valentines Day quite clearly - two girls from my art school took pity on me and gave me two cards saying "We hope you don't stay a bachelor for long". And I was actually fine being alone. Vikki hadn't come along and shown me what it was like to be accepted and loved and to be in love. Like a user in detox, I can't live without it. I'm in a deep depression. I feel helpless and lost.

Of course I want Vikki to just be happy, even if it's not with me. But we have both said we clearly want each other. All that stands in the way is her own thoughts. I cannot do anything to help or speed things along. It's like the song I've been listening to on and off for the last few days "Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain" by the Cascades. How can I love another when my heart is so far away? I want to move on if there's no chance between us, but we both still love each other. So it means I have to wait, but I certainly don't know how long for. I just don't want to become one of those people who waits for nothing. Yet I can't bear to think of me sharing my first kiss with another girl.

I have no game plan. No way to work the situation out. At the moment I can only see one option - pretend I'm not waiting for Vikki to be ready for a relationship, but really I am waiting. And to satisfy my self-objections to waiting, if anyone really special comes along, then I'll consider following that avenue. I wish there was some magic wand or way to speed time up. But there's not.

What's killing me is that this is my shot. You only have one life and one chance. I believe in God but I don't know if there's anything after this. I just don't want my life to end with regrets. Happy Valentines Day reader, may yours be more fruitful.

Well It Is My Life...

So what did you expect? Everything to turn out all nice and rosy? Everything was going great with Vikki and my life; I'd created a masterpiece at school of the headmaster as a zombie, had a great Christmas, joined a local cricket team and made plans with the one I truly love, Vikki. Now we're just playing pass the break-up with each other and exchanging yes/no messages. It all started a while ago, back when we were first getting together, and like a train, it trudged slowly on through our relationship until it reached its destination - our demise.

Me, Vikki, her brother and our friends all used to hang out together online, but when we started to go out, we'd spend more and more time together. After a while, we'd only come online and speak to each other. Soon her brother Matt and his friends became restless, thinking I was somehow controlling her and making her only hang out with me. They'd growl at her, I'd growl at them, the brother would then growl at me and it'd just end up with everyone fighting. Me and Vikki's brother stopped talking and it was the same with his friends. And then I did something stupid.

About a month ago, I decided to give the two friends a second chance. However I quickly learned they were only trying to be nice to me because they somehow thought it would get them more time with Vikki. Unbeknownst to me, their plan worked. Soon Vikki and the two friends (Who I shall now refer to as Dick and Tracy) began spending time together. Not needing me any more, naturally they became rude towards me, saying that I liked to suck my dad's dick and everything else childish under the sun. I have a tough skin, built over years of bullying, but then something happened which I didn't expect.

I've always been brought up with the notion that you always support your partner. My father always told me "No matter what son, always support your wife" and my mother would say "Even if she's fighting with your parents, you support her". So I was quite surprised when I told her all this and Vikki turns around to me and says she's still going to spend time with them. I'd always felt like the girl in the relationship and this was no exception. She should've just stopped contact with them right then and there. I shouldn't even have to ask, especially when I'd stopped seeing friends that'd been mean to her. It was the beginning of the end.

The next night I broke up with her. I'd been backed into a corner - either remain and let myself be disrespected by having my own partner ignore the fact I'm being bullied by her friends or go and throw away everything we'd worked on. Well I'd have never respected myself ever again if I'd stayed, so I left. That night I nearly had a mental breakdown and collapsed. It was actually quite good as I was docile when Vikki said she wanted to talk that night. She said she needed some space to sort out her issues so we could start a new chapter of our relationship. So I gave her all the space she needed.

The first few days were hard. My parents bore the brunt of it and by the time it was over, my mother loathed the name Vikki. But after a week, Vikki said she wanted to talk. So we talked and instead of the bright new chapter I'd been hoping for, I received the "It's not you, it's me" speech. Apparently she'd realized it was all her fault and that she wasn't relationship material. So I was dumped as usual.

Strangely, we were still allowed to talk, hang out, be naughty together and everything like before, with the exception of being actually called a "couple". I said I'd wait for as long as she needed to get herself ready, but after a week, I had questions mounting and worries building faster than wild fire. So then we reach present tense - I told her I shouldn't have to wait and that it wasn't fair on either of us since she didn't know how long we would have to wait. In my life, I get excited by what's around the corner, what I'm doing and keeping active. I can't be stagnant or I rot. It was inevitable. So now for my Valentine's Day, I'm alone. I was so close to not being alone, but here I am.

I'll always love Vikki and who knows, maybe there's a place for us in the future. Maybe we'll find someone else before then and move on. Maybe we'll just never recover. Whatever the case, I don't like this no mans land between. It's so vast and lonely in here and I've been wandering for my whole life with no comfort or peace. Like a mirage on the horizon, people and places come and go, touching my life, but never staying. I look back on them from time to time and cry because I know I'll never have them again. so now that you're all depressed from my sob story, so hug the one you love and do something for them without them having to ask you. Don't let them be alone. It's not very nice...

 I've decided to do my studies from home and focus on working. I've gotten into promotional gigs and the like. It's good pay, got the humiliation factor for embarrassing 21st birthday party stories and you get to meet some nice people. Anything's better than wallowing alone.