Sock Molestation

Well, this weekend has been fun. Not only have I graduated, but I also had a great game of cricket and after-party with my team and done a few cool things too. I took my first catch and hit my first boundary - yeah I'm sure that pre-schoolers have hit more than me, but hey, they bowl the ball really really fast. The team went to the pub afterwards and I got shouted my first drink ever - even if it was lemonade since I'm still technically underage. Not long to go now. Not that I'd drink alcohol anyway because I like to stay sharp. But still, it's good to know that you're not restricted in anything you do anymore. Ah, 18 should be fun.

So I bet you're wondering about the weird title of this post. Well, it's just a little aside story which I thought would be fun to share, since my latest posts haven't been all bright and cheerful. Basically, I think my bed socks took advantage of me. That's right - they obviously took advantage of me sleeping blissfully to perform some sort of sordid act on me. I pulled the sheets off this morning to get up and there they were, lying perfectly on top of each other right next my pillow.

I lay there for the longest time just staring at them thinking "What the fuck" and laughing nervously. I mean, I had no recollection of taking them off, and if I had, would they really have been placed so perfectly next to my pillow of all places? The way they were lying there was just too suspicious for my liking - for all I know they could've been smoking a cigarette and enjoying what could've been a very eventful night for them. No one else moved them, yet I surely would've noticed myself doing that in my sleep as I have in the past. I've been interviewing others from my underwear draw to see what the word is on the street, but so far my search is fruitless. Okay okay, so I'm taking the piss a little, but it is quite strange. It's always good to know you have a little gem locked away for dinner parties such as "I got molested by my bed socks". 

No word from Vikki as of yet and I'm sure she's going to use my ultimatum of "Give me answers or there's no chance ever again" as an easy out. Strangely, the bed socks story amongst other things has revitalized me a bit to see the funny side of things again, so I'm not stressing out too much any more. To tell the truth, I'm not even sure I want to be with her myself any more after all the shit she's put me through. I don't think it'd ever be the same. And it's a real shame because at one point, we were quite a team and I really did love her. I can't say for sure now that she felt the same.

I dunno, the periods of happiness and excitement for life have been getting longer and more frequent, while the periods of depression and missing Vikki are growing less and less. It really is the small things - the comic I'm making, cricket games, strange bed socks, even relatives visiting. They all help show there is a life after such a tough time. Sure I still feel sad sometimes, but now, it's getting easier and easier. If I don't hear from Vikki, sure I'll be wondering if there was any chance, but I think I'll cope all the same. I know already that as soon as I decide that I definitely never want to speak to her again that it'll be hard, but I know I'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Heck, even me and my dad sorted a lot of things out tonight. We were heading for the mother of all fights, but it really did turn out brilliantly. We talked for a while before sorting out some really major stuff which had been ruin our relationship. Although overall, it still feels like in some respects my life is falling apart, in others, it is completely improving.

I really don't know how to put everything into words (either because it's too complicated or the week's late nights and early mornings are finally catching up with me) but I certainly could not feel this a month ago. Even a few weeks ago. To everyone dealing with a loss out there, take it from someone who was on the very edge that there is a life after everything. I'm probably not one to be giving out advice, but if my story helps other's to see that it may hurt but that you'll make it through, then I'll be very happy indeed. Just go out and find your own team bonding or your own comic to make. Or even at a stretch (and I wouldn't wholly recommend it) some bed socks with strange habits.

And seriously, I still am curious how they got right up near my pillow.

Cliques Suck

On other news, my venture in merging back into onsite life at school went well. The week went well and I'm probably going to back onsite next term, although there was one sour moment which ruined everything a tad. But before I get into that, I must tell you that I got my diploma and graduated from the first stage of the school. Hopefully I will get it framed or something, but at least I have something to stick on my resume. Anyway, back to the drama which is my life...

Well, at the old campus we used to play cricket every lunch time and break. By us, I mean a group of students, teachers and tech supports. However, there was some ill-feeling between me and one shop assistant who took exception to me for some reason (I suspect me playing a prank with his shop sign, having him swear at me and then me have him get talked to by the principal, might have something to do with it - although the prank was on another employee, but he happened to be the grumpy SOB which found it first). And now this happens.

Yesterday, the two tutors which we used to play with were out playing cricket together. As soon as I went up to them they said it was time to go and then they left with me just standing there. I passed it off, but today I went up to play and they said that I couldn't because they didn't want me to break a window. Then I said I'd just bowl, to which one replied that they didn't want me to because it's the only time they get away from other students. So I said I'd just field and not talk, to which he added that he'd "Said all he had to say". Okaaay...

Anyway, there was this random kid who lived around the area and they let him bat and bowl, but they just kept on missing me out on the bowling and batting cycles. They're both jerks and it's probably something liken to a mixture of jealousy of my bowling and gossip from said ape in the shop who probably has been bad mouthing me all term. They almost made me not want to come back, but I say fuck em because I can run and walk rather than play cricket with poofy-looking fuck heads. Take the ball and shove it up your arse and then follow it with the bat you cunts.

Other than that, my week was good. And now it is holidays, so I don't have to see them for a month. Not that they could even look at me anyway, cowards. I dunno, some people are tard burgers.

Consideration

Well out of the blue Vikki sent me this message saying thanks for the birthday wishes I sent her. It made me wonder if she was just ignoring all my other messages, because she mentions nothing about our relationship, the questions I want answered or where our relationship is. And she didn't even bother to put "Take care" this time - she just put "TC". You're kidding me right? This sense of pure and simple rage swept over me and I was typing literally 100 words a minute. I can't even remember exactly what I wrote, but there were about 100 fucks and shits mixed in amongst the other angsty scribbles. But seriously, a month and this is what I get?

I am so fucking pissed. Firstly because if you love someone, or have ever loved someone, you don't leave them hanging that long and then send some fucking shitty email which sorts nothing out. Secondly, it makes me wonder if she ever loved me at all. Thirdly, it just fucking sucks. Honestly, it's almost comical, except I'm not seeing the funny side. I'm thinking I shouldn't even be pursuing the idea of getting back together with her. Did I ever really know her? Or was it all just lies? 

All I know is that if she doesn't give me some answers within the next week, she's gone for good. She can send me all the emails she wants after that but I'll cut her loose. You can't do that to people. I'd be ashamed if that was me. If I knew that someone I loved was on the other side of the earth, crying, sad and scared, then I'd be there for them, or at least break up with them respectfully. It's called empathy. Caring. Sensitivity. What Vikki has done is the complete opposite. I don't even know this person she's turned into. And I've never sworn at her once, so this is a new venture for me, of which I'm not proud but very angry so I guess it's my feelings, but Vikki is acting like a bitch. There I said it. Crucify me and label me some girl basher. I don't care because I've put up with so much shit and all I get is an abbreviated version of "take care".

I'm too angry to write, but all I want is a little consideration. Is it too much to fucking ask? If I say I love someone, I mean it. Love is not making someone stress out and cry for a whole month and then pass it off as a passing comment. Love is trying to make the one you love feel special. If I saw my wife or my fiance sitting there crying, small and scared and lonely just wanting some love, I'd be at her side immediately, hugging her and telling her everything was gonna be okay. I'd be there for her, because that's love. Just to see her smile and feel better.

But maybe that's just me. Maybe it's just fucking me...

Bridges

Well it turns out that Joel didn't actually hear me (that or he was just pretending he didn't), but I apologized anyway. It felt good doing the right thing and just seeing his smile. I may have repaired one broken bridge, so it just shows what a little bit of humility and kindness can do. And from there the day just got better. People at school seemed nicer and more tolerable than ever before and I am finally making some peace with me and Vikki. She still hasn't replied, so I'm a tad annoyed, but I don't hold anything against her. I only had one bad moment today.

I just can't get to grips that if me and Vikki don't get together, which will probably be the case judging by the current state of things, that she'll be with someone else. I mean, deep down I want her to be happy and find someone who she loves and that loves her, but the thought that someone else with going to be having children with her and making love to her, well that's just unbearable. I think if did say she wanted to move on from me then I'd never be able to speak to her again. I know it would only lead to me becoming obsessed and cruel. And it sucks.

I mean, she promised me our first kiss - my first kiss - and our first time together. To think that once she gives it to someone else she can't get it back. It's just the finality of it. I mean, I'm not trying to control her even when I'm not with her, but I just can't stand the thought of it. Other than this small part of suckiness, I know I'll be fine now even if Vikki comes back and says no, or even if she doesn't come back at all. Other than that, my day was superb. Let's hope it stays that way. I dunno, I'm so used to life throwing curve balls at me or things going wrong that I'm half expecting some person to jump out and yell that it's all been a joke and that it's time to get back to my crappy life.

Whatever the case, I can feel myself getting slowly back on track. And funnily, it all started with me being cruel to another and alien to myself. In a way, I can thank Joel for being a jerk to me - if he hadn't, I wouldn't have talked about him and then I wouldn't have noticed what my life was becoming. Ever since I've decided to let my emotion baggage go and forgiving people - it really has helped me see the light again. I think that with all this hurt and my inability or unwillingness to forgive the people who caused it, it was really killing me inside. It was also stopping me from forgiving myself for fucking up in life, whatever it was.

So here's to jerks and forgiving them. *Raises glass*

Time To Get Back On The Rails

The last few days have been messy for me. Each day I felt a mixture of feelings, never being able to decide which one to listen to. But today everything became extremely clear to me. It was like a beam of light just shone onto my head and all the fog I've felt over this last month dissipated. It's a welcome, but very unfamiliar feeling which I'm still getting used to. I'm half expecting the feeling to fade and for all the doubt to creep back into my mind, but on the other hand, I'm pretty sure it will at least make a lasting impression after what happened today. Well, I'll take you to where it all began, back in my first term of art school I participated.

I was helping run the first term student exhibition at our art school back when I was a newbie to the campus and I was teamed up with a second year student called Joel. We got along pretty well - he was pretty self-important and useless, but it didn't really impose on me. We were all headed by a receptionist and exhibition helper Wendy, who I was polite, but cautious to from the beginning since she was very cliquey with certain members of the school. Things were going well until the second term.

The second term's student exhibition rolled around and Joel was assigned to coordinate. However, he also needed a co-coordinator and I'd done more than anyone the previous term so I was looking for the role. But now Joel had the power he'd craved for so long and he certainly wasn't going to share it with anyone, especially someone who could show him up like me. He flatly refused to accept a co-coordinator and from there we stopped talking and things even got less than polite. I even stopped helping out at the exhibition because both Joel and Wendy started bossing me around. Fast forward several months and term to today.

I was sitting in the lunch area out on the lawn of our campus today talking with a couple of people. I hadn't seen them in ages since I went extra-mural, so they were asking me what I'd been up to. When one asked why I wasn't helping out with this term's exhibition, I replied "I'm not traveling an hour and a half on a smelly bus just to work my arse off and be bossed around by Joel and Wendy". Then I'm pretty sure I called Joel a troll before the person I was talking to pointed out the fact that Joel was sitting eating his lunch behind a bush within earshot of us and was now looking kind of hurt.

I tried to pass it off as if I didn't care that he heard, but immediately I felt this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. He's a jerk, you can't deny, but I'm ashamed. What have I become? I'm supposed to be the one being talked about and the one getting bullied, and now I've done something completely against my moral compass. Against everything that is me. I let my emotions compromise my morals as a human being and my very nature. 

The whole bus ride home I could only think about my actions and how far I've strayed over this last harrowing month. Not only have I let Vikki and our problems consume my life, my happiness and my drive, but now I'd let it take my values. It's one move too far. I'm a good person. I care about other's feelings and am sensitive. I know what it's like to be bullied and feel like no one likes you. And now I've done something so cruel and horrible that it only highlights what I've become. To put it bluntly, the situation is ridiculous. Moping and crying was fine, but as soon as the problems affect me as a person, then that's it. It's time to get this train back on the tracks.

I've sent a message to Vikki saying I was sorry for playing games with her and I'm going to apologize to Joel tomorrow. I had planned to walk to his house tonight, but I don't know what his address is exactly. I don't know if this goodwill will last, but I know I need to try. I had been hoping that my life would sort itself out and that everything would fall into place. Wrong! I need to make my own life. After the fog cleared today I feel like for this last month I've been a horrible person. I feel so dirty and wrong. I just hope it isn't too late to get back to where I was. I know I'm a good person, but now I need to prove it to myself by making things right. I don't know how hard it'll be, or how long it will take, but in the end there is no way I'm going to let myself turn into a monster. 

This ends now. It's time to take charge again.

This Chasm Is Not Home

Slowly but surely I can feel myself regaining control. This chasm which has become my life and home is beginning to shrink and warp. For two days in a row I've had a change of heart. Something deep inside me has changed. I'm getting excited about life again. I'm getting out again. I'm taking care of myself bit by bit. It's like some internal switch just flicked and the light from above grew stronger and stronger, echoing down this deep chasm which I'd chipped away for myself. It's as if I've stopped half way down and looked up and gone, screw it. And funnily, it began with a joke.

I was looking into the mirror two nights ago and thought to myself, what have I achieved from this relationship. Then I started laughing - "A DVD". I just couldn't stop laughing. Even in bed, I was giggling away about the thought that the only thing I'd received from the relationship was a DVD - probably not true, but it was the only tangible evidence I was ever in a relationship at all. Some sort of sick consolation prize that just highlights the pathetic nature off the whole situation. And it's true.

My mum is a Supernatural fan. And I love that show as well - two brothers just trying to survive and kill evil creatures on a quest to avenge their mother - but unfortunately only the first season was shown here where I live. But over where Vikki lived, season three was already well under way. So she sent it over but didn't want me to pay her no matter what I said. And now, it's become some sort of beacon in my life - a stupid television show on DVD has shown me the way.

Of course, the light didn't last long. The next day I was feeling in the dumps, but that night, the feeling of being able to live again came over me. And today it was the same feeling throughout the day. So although it's only baby steps, it's a beginning and a feeling I've been craving for many weeks. I don't care if Vikki is at the bottom of the chasm, if she wants me back or not - all I know is that I'm lovable and someone else out there wants me and that I need to move on. I don't know what's going to happen to me, and I'll admit I'm fucking scared, but I know that I can't keep falling any more.

I just hope that there is someone else out there that I can love as much as Vikki. Someone who accepts my faults and that loves me for me. Someone that I can protect when she's vulnerable and someone I can make feel special. I really hope that I find someone else. For all I care now, Vikki can stay gone if she wants. I've given up caring and letting my life rest in her uncaring hands. Wish me the best. I'll need it in this strange and frightening new life I'll be trying my hardest to create in the crater left by this love of mine.

In other news, Jaffa is gone from my school, so at least that's one less fat Indian fuck to deal with.

The Dance

I can feel myself doing a dance with my mind. Slowly and gracefully I join hands with it as we both descend into oblivion. Every day there's hate and sorrow and joy and helplessness. A new cycle for every moment and every moment one closer to my death. All I can do is watch as my life and everything around me dissolves. Despite my pride, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. Here's a guy who's been fed shit by life all his life. He gets something special and tries his hardest to keep it, but all it ends with is just him not only back where he started, but back further than that. At least before I met Vikki I was happy and going out and about. Sure I felt un-accepted and unlovable, but now, I'm like a vegetable at home. No one definitely loves me now.

Every day I'm reminded of my loss, as if the pain isn't great enough. In the hope of hearing a reply from the one I love, I check my messages daily. Probably twice or three times daily. And every time I do all I see is that smug message of "No New Messages!" as if it's a big laugh. Ha ha ha, nobody cares enough to email you. What a loser. Ha ha ha.

And today I woke up crying and hugging my bed. I'd been having a dream where I was at a party and there was a dance in this fancy restaurant. And through the people I saw Vikki standing there. In my dream we danced and it was laden with such emotion I had to wake up. You know that sad yearning sorrow you get from dreams, in your half-asleep state, like when you see a dead loved-one or a past flame? Well I get that often now and this morning was no different. Even in my sleep I am reminded of my loss.

My parents sat me down and said that they were worried about me today. They said I never talked any more and that I was losing it. They're probably right but I put on the "I'm fine" mask and looked away. Their words echoed in my head before dissipating. No one can help me now. I feel I'm too far gone. It's like I'm down a deep dark chasm and I can see all these ledges for me to land on. But I don't want to. Maybe I want to fall. Maybe I want to just lose myself completely. Maybe I think that Vikki is at the bottom. All I know is that this chasm is feeling more and more like home than the bright happiness ever was. And I'm all alone down here.

In the end we are all alone. All this shit is going to end some day. And it's not like I ever had lots of friends or family to have. The closest friends I have at the moment is a tie between my cricket team who are leaving for the season break and my xbox live friends, and well, we don't need to go on about relationships and friendships over the internet. I'm just so sad I can't even think about what I'm going to say. Fuck, this is probably a really depressing read, if you've even made it this far without hanging yourself.

I am just really out of words. I've cried all my tears and I've screamed all my hurt. I've punished my body and I've cleared my mind and filled it again like a well after the rains. I've been through the worst month of my life and I'm relying on Vikki to reply or show she even cares, or that I'm not just some piece of shit to her, in order to make me happy or move on. But I can't move on without her. There's this fear there which I can't shake and every moment she lets me sit like this I hate her more and loathe myself. All these feelings and not once can I feel what I need - relief. Just relief. That breath you take with your eyes shut, knowing that you don't have a care in the world and that you are safe. Knowing you are loved and that there isn't someone you need to talk to.

And talk I can't. Not to my parents, not to myself and not to Vikki. I don't even know where she lives any more, so some big romantic gesture of turning up on her doorstep with a rose is out of the question. 

A friend once told me that time heals everything. At the moment, it only looks like it'll be healing the ground where I bury myself.

Second Thoughts

The promise I made to God has been bothering me - I told him I wouldn't play games with Vikki if he helped me sort out the situation. So does that mean what I've done is breaking that promise? I mean, I really do wish she'll come back to me and say that she still has feelings for me, despite what I fear, so in a way, it's like the game I swore to not participate in. Am I only hiding under the veil that I'm doing this for her when I'm actually still trying to win her back? If I don't post again it means I've been struck by some kind of lightning bolt from the heavens since I'm assuming that God reads all the fine print of contracts very carefully.

I mean, it wasn't just a promise, it was a covenant. The strongest type of promise (heck, I was desperate for help) and somehow I feel like I've got this bulls eye on my forehead with God lining me up thinking about how I've broken the covenant. Not only have I lost the one I love, my health, my happiness, my life (practically), my drive, but now I've pissed off God. It wasn't intentional, and I'm not even sure if this counts, but it's got me worried.

On other fronts, I still await a reply from Vikki, if one is even going to come. If you love someone, you try and contact them, so this is just reinforcing the fact that she doesn't care any more. I've found solace in video games however - I've found a group of friends on there which I can play with until whatever hour of the day, so I feel part of something. Pathetic as it seems, I feel happy mucking around with them, getting my mind of things. But every second I depart, my worries set back in. Right before bed too so I can look forward to a sleepless night.

The fact of the matter is, I haven't done any schoolwork in about a month or two. I'm meant to be doing some art at home and filling in my study logs, but now I don't even have the will to fake them. I feel like a real loser sometimes, but I don't see how to move forward. I'm hoping once I get some closure from Vikki that magically I'll move on with my life, but it's taking its toll on me since I'm remaining dormant for so long. But what if...?

What if I don't magically get back on track after Vikki replies, if she even does. What if all this time I've just wasted is for nothing? All I can think about is how much damage I've done to my body with all this stress, not eating, not sleeping and not getting out. And you know what? Deep down, and it really does scare me when I feel this way, I don't care. I enjoy the fact I'm destroying myself. Whether it's for attention or for someone to fight for me to save myself or something else, I don't know - all I know is that when I look at my tired, sad face in the mirror at night I get this sick twinge in my stomach thinking fuck you. I'm going to fuck you up really nice.

And it scares me.

Goodbye To A Lover

I gave up last night. God and promises and whatever behind, I sent Vikki an email last night. I said that she obviously doesn't want me anymore and that I just want her to be happy, so I said I'd just leave. If she still loved me, then she would've fought for me, she wouldn't leave me in the cold. Really, I do just want her to be happy and if me being around isn't making her her happy anymore, then I'll just go. It's a decision I'll live with for the rest of my life and I don't know if it's the right one as I sit here today. I don't know what else to write. I'm so mentally tired and lost and it's hurting my health. 

Maybe it's best for the both of us, but all I know, if I had my way me and Vikki would be together. But she doesn't want that, so I'll respect her wishes and do the honourable thing.  I guess it's time for me to move on, but part of me still hopes she'll see how much I love her and that I do want her to be happy and that she'll come back to me, but I can see this going in the route of her somehow making out like this is what I want and then saying "take care". I know I said that if I found someone then I'd hold on with all my might, but I'm slipping and it's taking it's toll. 

Goodbye Vikki, I'll always love you deep down, but I want you to be happy. Find someone who makes you shine.

Is Anybody Up There?

Well, after another sleepless night filled with weird and frightening dreams, I woke up early in my bed. The light of the day was just starting to shine through the curtains and of course, instead of simply rolling over and drifting back into blind sleep, the stupid cogs in my head had to start turning. Try as I might, I can never get this dumb motor in my skull to shut off for a second. The more I asked it to stop so I could recover some much needed sleep, the more it started whizzing around. So I decided to just lie there.

Me and God have a sort of love/hate relationship. I say I love him and he shows me how much hate he can have for someone. Of course I'm joking, but sometimes I do wonder if there is anyone up there looking down over me. In this age of science and reason, it takes a lot to persuade anyone to put their trust blindly in someone which could've quite possibly been constructed to ease man's fear of death. Me especially. 

Don't get me wrong, if there was some holy war or some calling I had to do, I'd do it without question. Deep down, I know I'll always be a good person. But when it comes to some things, I have a hard time trying to believe in God fully. In fact, a sense of silliness comes over me whenever I find myself talking randomly to the big guy in the sky. And this morning felt like a silly morning, so I thought I'd give it a crack.

So in a half-asleep stupor I starting babbling out my thoughts and hopes and fears to God in hope that it'd ease my mind. He's one tough bargainer - he managed to rope me into at least one session of church, some chores, some Bible reading time and a few covenants for his help in resolving the situation with Vikki (which ain't easy since I am strictly a non-religious religious person). Let's see if he delivers. You see, when I talk to God, strangely, he's like me. He's fair and promises to help at a price. It makes me wonder if we even talk to God at all and not some part of our uncontrolled subconscious.

It really helped though to get all my thoughts off my chest, even if I was completely convinced anyone was listening. Some how I managed to get through most of today not thinking all that much about my woes - I can definitely see the merits of passing on your sins to God etc. I just hope that the situation with Vikki can be resolved. In the end, I just want her to be happy and I promised God that if she really didn't want me around any more, then I'd accept that. I think in some ways, I was putting my happiness before hers which isn't a relationship at all, so I'm putting her first now. Look at me, I sound really silly now because you probably think I'm some religious nut. Well, the truth is far from it.

Me and my parents went through a few churches when I was young and each one had the same problems - Cliques, ignorance, intolerance and greed, they all have them in one extreme or another. The final straw for me was seeing the church bouncers throw out a homeless man for praying and preaching anti-gay sentiments. I'm not going to get into gay rights or anything right now, but I just feel that these qualities are not what God would've wanted for his churches. And besides, the church is the people, not the building, so I spend my Sundays at home or doing something I enjoy.

So for me religion is a flawed society which has strayed far from where it was intended to go. I don't know why I let God rope me into going back to church, or why I'm telling you guys this since I probably sound half mad, but if it helps the situation between me and Vikki, then I'm quite prepared to let the uncontrolled part of my subconscious have a little play. In any case, it's not as if I have anything better to do.

What's Taking So Long?

Well, the effects of the walk have worn off a little, but I'm still much better than my previous weeks. I just really want to sort things out with Vikki; just get back together with her and make things work. Unless the path we take isn't that way inclined. The feeling in my chest is back again and it always makes me nervous. I've written down what I need to ask, I've sent her everything she needs to know, so why do I still feel this way? It's annoying and makes me wonder what's going to happen. I really do pray everything goes as I plan, you reader already know that life isn't one to abide by my plans, no matter how sound.

The thoughts of not knowing what I'm doing with my life have re-entered my mind and they're driving me crazy. I need to find a purpose soon or I'm just going to become one of those dependent losers needing a woman to feel whole. Maybe I already am one of those. All I know is that this silence, forced or not, is driving me bonkers. I need to speak and to resolve. And it's happened before.

Ever since I was a child, I could never simply sleep on an argument. Not only would I not get any sleep if I tried to, but it would surely only fester. No, for me I had to talk the argument through right then and there until whatever ungodly hour in the morning. Vikki is not like that unfortunately, and not many people in my family are. I don't think anyone close to me gets how bad it feels for me to keep anything locked away inside me. I bet Vikki doesn't even care what this is doing to my internal organs. Sigh.

The Walk

I've found out I'm a pretty screwed up person lately. I know that Vikki doesn't have internet yet in her new home, that I've said everything I need to in my last email to her and that there's no point moping around waiting for her reply. And yet I do. I actually think this last month has wiped about 5-10 years off my already probably short life span. When communication is cut off, I just don't know how to cope. Thoughts just bounce around in my head and multiplay and fester like a wound. Nothing heals it until I speak to who I need to. And even then, undoubtedly I will think of several more worries as soon as I've finished talking. I have so many questions right now, which I've pestered both myself, my parents, you my loyal readers and many others with for the past few weeks. 

Do you still love me? Do you still want to be in a relationship with me? Did you mean that you weren't going any where? Did you mean that you weren't like other people? Why does it feel like you're treating me like someone you've met off the street? Why can't we be together? Why does it seem like you've moved on? Do you care at all that I'm hurt? If you love me so much, why aren't you fighting for me? Why?

Can you imagine this beating around in a head which is already full with memories of friends committing suicide, families disowning you, school work and cricket teams dumping you. And now make this fly through like a snowball picking up steam at a million miles per hour. Then factor in this being your first love, the feelings of being hurt and betrayed and not having the communication which you want and need and not knowing if everything's going to be alright with no one you can talk to. Don't feel pity for me, I just want my brain to stop sometimes. Sometimes I can't even collect my thoughts they're going so fast. Even when I sleep my brain throws out dream after dream. I'm never at peace and nobody around me gets it.

I like adventures and today, I felt like one to get me out of this funk. However, no one in my family was willing to do the kind I wanted. Sure on a normal day, bowling or a walk around a park would have been sufficient. But today, I wanted to smash the shit out of something. I wanted to push my body to a burnt shell of itself. Something so different and hard that it would take my mind of my hurt and onto my bodily hurt from the punishment I would be sending my way. So I decided to just leave everyone behind and walk. Not just any walk, but the mother of all walks. Admittedly, I was stupid when I set off - I grabbed no money, no cellphone or sunscreen during the hot midday sun. I just left with me and my clothing. 

I'd been planning this walk for a while. The truth is, I was planning it for me and Vikki when she came over so that we could spend the day out taking photographs and enjoying each other, but I'd wanted to scope it out first to see how long it'd take. In the city where I live we have these amazing bays - beach and rock pool-lined bays where the roads wind on and on. As a child I'd been driven around them countless times - my fondest memories are being driven around at night listening to old songs with my parents. Every now and again we still go on those drives, but the sound system in our new car sucks, so it's not nearly as fun. I'd set my sights on walking around them. Holy moly, what a mission. At least I can rule out ever taking Vikki on a walk around them if we ever get back together.

I started at 1:00 pm and by the time my dad picked me up, it was 4:00 pm. I started off and walked and walked and walked. I only made it halfway however - without my cellphone or cash, there was no way I'd make it back in time to avoid my mother biting my head off if I went the whole way. I found a phone at a surf club and called home, but I achieved exactly what I intended. Not once did I feel down or sad because of Vikki. I hardly even thought about the whole thing. All I could focus on was the sun burn I was getting, the tiny footpaths and the big trucks looming up on me as I tried to cross them. Everything was perfect - the cicadas and crickets were in full bloom with their sounds melting into the waves beside me. Every so often a car would drive by and a couple with children or dogs would pass by with their smiles. The things I saw - I really did feel like Frodo from The Lord Of The Rings as I watched my suburb grow smaller and eventually vanish with each turn and bay I traversed.

I know, this isn't like my usual depressive and sad self. To tell the truth, whether it was the sun, sea or fresh air and exercise, the walk really did do the trick. I am talking more and definitely much happier than before. Most importantly is that I don't feel so rushed to talk to Vikki any more. My only regret is not finishing the walk. I came so close and would have if I hadn't been concerned for my mum. I plan to complete it later on before winter completely sets in. Thank goodness I did walk it out first before I took anyone on a date, let alone Vikki. I can imagine my date dumping me as soon as we reached home, covered in sweat and the shoulder strap from her camera having worn a deep furrow into her skin. Probably a slap too.

Along my way I saw what my country really has to offer - such a beautiful coast line and sea which many people overlook. It really was a wonderful experience and despite traversing the length of several suburbs and valleys in my quest for personal enlightenment and a furious sun tan, I'd do it again in a heart beat. Nothing entered my head. No worries, no thoughts. Just my pace and my feet hitting the hard concrete and sand. Just the birds overhead and the sea lapping my side. The dead penguin and the shady people at the public toilet. The cute dog bouncing over the waves. Just peace.

Sorry reader if I disappoint for straying from my usual rant about how my life sucks, which at times it does, but this experience was amazing and really helped. Now let's just hope that the effects don't wear off and that everything I desire comes to fruition. And maybe, I won't have to walk alone forever. Goodnight reader, where ever you are.

What Am I Becoming?

Today has been no better. It's like someone has grabbed my life and started to twist it. It's not even my life any more. I really do feel like I'm barely coping minute to minute and my only purpose is to survive until my death. The joy has just vanished. Even a week ago there was some joy, but it is no more. I can't cope. I need someone to just descend from the heavens and just take my hand and make everything better. I cannot see any other way this is going to get better. I see no out. I've lost the woman I love, I've lost what was making me happy, I've lost all motivation, all hope, all love. I feel like I've lost everything. And most of all, I've lost myself.

How am I to ever trust another so much again? In the space of a month I've turned from a positive, out going and happy person to someone who is struggling to cope when his mind is not at least completely occupied in fear of a complete break down. A shell. An empty shell of myself and what if I can never get it back? I opened myself up to her so much and she's burnt me so deep - how can I recover? I feel like there's no fixing this. I feel ashamed, but I really just want to die. I have no purpose, no reason. What could I possibly achieve in my life?

I just want this to be over. I want to book a flight right now and fly over to Vikki and just talk. I am so hurt. Everything we planned is not going to happen. All the dreams we had, lost. Every hour which we spent talking is wasted. Not just over a month or two, but nearly a year. That's so much of myself I shared, more probably than I've shared with my parents in some cases. And I'm expected to just start again? And what happens if that doesn't work out? Start again after that? I don't want to become one of those detestable people who shut themselves so tight that they can't be loved. Just so they don't get burnt again. And I certainly don't want to get burnt any more.

As I'm writing, my cat is lying next to my chair. I both envy and pity him. What a life. No love or worries. No expectations and if he dies, no regrets. He doesn't look back and wish he'd chased more mice or eaten more food. Climbed the highest tree or crossed the road one last time. No, he is happy. His success is just having lived. And I envy that. Why can't I just find the joy in living. I'm sure my cat would cope much better if his cat girlfriend just left. And yet I pity him. He can never feel love or joy like we can. Maybe it's our duty to feel this pain and love.

For me, it's hard - a life without love or pain, or one with both. I look back, finding it hard to see a positive on the whole situation. Yet would I do it again? I know I certainly would have done things differently, but would I have ever gotten involved with Vikki if I had a second chance knowing what I know now? It was the first time I'd ever felt truly accepted: my body hair, my thinning hair, my age, my shy personality, everything. But in doing so, I allowed myself to get hurt so much. I was so vulnerable and I trusted someone to be careful with that. Looking at it, maybe it was fair. But certainly, it shouldn't have ended the way it has. And yet, maybe she meant something else in her email. And maybe it is over.

I see her moving on. A job and stuff to do, she said. Me? The best achievement I've made in the past month is managing to not have a nervous breakdown like I nearly had in February. There needs to be magic wand. I need it so badly right now. Maybe if I'd had thought less of myself or been more accepting, I would've ignored her friend's remarks and her un-supporting nature. Maybe if I'd never done a lot of things this would be different.

I've fought so long to keep Vikki that I'm not even sure I want this any more. I just want everything to be over. My mother's pep-talks can only last me a few hours before their effects wear off. And then I'm left with my questions and fears and hurt again. Please save me. I don't know who I'm asking, but I just need you. Someone to be there for me and to accept me. My parents are just not on the same emotional wave length as me at all and I have no one. Vikki was who I talked to and now I'm lost.

Restless

I can't sleep, nor do I feel like doing so. My mind keeps ticking over and I just can't help the anxiety. It's going to kill me if I don't calm down. I've never entertained the thought that one day, Vikki might not want me. She assured me so much that she wasn't like the other relationships I've had in my life, one-sided and ending with me left holding the pieces. Maybe I was wrong to trust so blindly in someone who has clearly just abused that fact. I feel like a fool. And now what am I to do? Move on? To who? I hardly go out any more since my school went extramural and once the cricket season is over, I'll have no reason to leave at all. Who is going to ever find me shackled to my house? What love and acceptance is ever going to find me there?

The moment Vikki said she didn't care about my age that night, my life changed for the better forever. I'll be forever thankful to her for that. Showing me that someone out there was willing to accept me for who I am and not judge me. To give me a chance and to love me. That is why this is so hard. I am alone on this earth. She was the only one who truly accepted me. She saw me at my worst and at my best and everywhere in between. And she didn't care. This is a real shock to me and if it turns out that she definitely does not want a relationship with me any more, then I'm going to be puzzled for the rest of my life.

If I can give some advice to anyone reading, do not ever fall for someone over the internet and absolutely do not get too deep so fast. And it goes without saying, do not get too deep too fast with someone over the internet. It's a recipe for disaster. And yet in saying that, maybe I'm just the exception. Maybe I'm the only one who can't even keep a relationship afloat. Maybe this relationship would have been doomed even in real life. Maybe. All I know is that I have consumed one pack of corn chips which I didn't even like all that much and that the taste is now residing both gleefully and annoyingly in the back of my throat. I hope it doesn't go to my waist - there should be a law of nature that states no fat should be gained from food eaten whilst wallowing over a lost love.

But then again, life doesn't like me remember...

What Do I Do?

What do I do? I've been asking myself this a lot lately. I'd had enough and sent Vikki an email tonight asking for closure and to know what was going to happen between us. I needed to know because this limbo is killing me. Slowly and surely, it is killing me. Killing my life from within. I explained my thoughts carefully and politely. I didn't respect a reply. Vikki hadn't replied to any of my emails for nearly a month. A cold wall of silence which was driving me more insane than the prospect of losing my love. But then something happened which I didn't expect.

I looked a moment ago and there was a reply. And in it, Vikki wished me good luck in whatever I put my heart to and that I'm free like I've always been. What am I supposed to make of that? That she's cutting me loose? I feel as if I've never meant anything to her and that I have been sent away into the cold. I feel like shit. No masks, no lies - I feel like utter shit. A piece of shit on someone's shoes who's walked me through the house and just wants to clean me up before I get in the way. What does this mean?

I guess I was hoping for the "I still love you and want to be with you" reply, but maybe she never loved me. If that is the case, how dumb am I? How could I have been so blind? Surely it isn't true. If it is, she is not the woman I loved. Not the woman which would have handled my heart with care and respect. Like I did with hers. I feel used and abused and worthless. I guess I feel dumped. And yet I am only speculating. Maybe I'm misinterpreting? Or maybe I am just a schmuck who doesn't know when he's nothing anymore.

And I have no one to confide in. No one but you anonymous reader who is but reading upon this sorry saga. You can do nothing. I can do nothing. All is gone and no more. I always believed in the saying that you reap what you sow. And I only sowed good and love into the relationship. I was the best partner I could be and respected her as highly as I could. Above and beyond. So why do I feel so betrayed? So crushed? So ruined? Reap what you sow? What a pile of rubbish. If it were true then I'd have Vikki in my arms right now.

I really thought in being a good partner, more than any I know, that life would give me a break. That life would see I was being good and just and simply make something right for me. That it would give me something that glimmers and is special for me alone. But no. Not for me, never for me. A cursed wretch of life I am. It can fuck with me all it likes and I have no reply. No safe haven I can turn to and assume the fetal position in. Dropped from the cricket team I play for, my promised job given to someone else, sleepless nights and mornings, bruises and scrapes from where I was beaten by someone I won't name. What is this life of mine?

Don't pity me. I have always lived by the rule that these are the best years of my life. All the years I am truly happy are useless. But all these many, many years where I am miserable are the ones I truly learn in. And boy am I learning. I just wish the lessons would stop. The incessant lessons. I get it already life! Stop punishing me for whatever I've done and let me be happy for once in my fucking life you prick. There! You've made me break and bend. I know that you only mess with me life to see if I will. Like some sick child with a magnifying glass zapping ants for fun, you sick fuck.

And yet life, I can't live without you. Give me a break and we can both get our way. Just give me a break. I'm at the edge of my life here and you continue to push me. Don't push me any more. Just don't push...

Questions For The Wind

I felt morose tonight, watching the sun's rays fade against the evening sky from my bedroom window. Watching the world go by without me. I feel like I'm nothing. What am I doing with my life? Everything I do, I start with gusto, but it fades and I'm left holding my life wondering if what I'm doing is right. I have this continual fear that I don't have long to live and every moment wasted on my behalf is exaggerated in my eyes. Every moment I am idle I rue. Yet everything I do never seems to be enough in the end. What is my purpose on this earth? What is the reason for my life? I ask these questions, but they're only heard by the wind, who takes them along as it goes by, only to forget me.

Ever since Vikki left my purpose has disappeared. Some men may value their success by money, a career or the amount of sex they have. My success is a family. A wife who I can care for and children I can raise. Am I selfish? I am beginning to think I am - What if I only miss Vikki so because she made me feel successful? I thought it was because I missed talking to her and trying to make her happy, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just a self-centred person who only cares for himself. I hope not.

I had forgotten Vikki for the past week, simply getting on with my life, but today it has flowed back to me. A wave of fears and questions with no answers. I look out upon that fading sky, wondering if she is looking upon it too. All I can see is the time we are wasting apart. I want her to just forget everything and jump on board with me. I'm sitting at the station and I need to go, but I can't leave without her. I cannot wait for long. Every moment I wait for anything is a moment lost. Small graces are short lived - a game of cricket or a movie - and when their golden glow fades, I'm left looking upon my life wondering what is my true purpose. What am I here for? What am I here for? What am I here for?

Today was a day of disappointment. Two jobs which I applied for fell through. An email I sent to Vikki a few days ago still had no reply. Questions of my life appeared in my mind. Everything I do seems mediocre and small in the scale of a life, yet I cannot think what I need to fulfill me. How do some simply exist with no worries or regrets? With no fear of death or if they will mean something in their life? I want Vikki back, but is it for me, us or her? We both love each other still, but am I too reliant on the relationship to make me happy? Am I doing enough in my life? Should I be doing more now or have faith that I will live longer than I expect?

All these questions and no answers. With Vikki's absence my life and happiness have been put into question and I am turning up short on resolutions. I better get some soon or I fear this hole will grow wider and deeper and soon, maybe even the wind won't reach me to listen.