I Hate Dreams

All that email-sending to Vikki last night must have triggered either some fantasy or true feelings deep down in my core, because all I dreamt about last night was her. In my dream she came over to my country with her family and asked if we should start again. And I took her back in a heart beat. It was like it was real. She was there. I touched her thigh. I took her on a date. We tried our best to fix things. We hugged. Everything was perfect. And that was the worst.

Because there was that horrible few moments after you wake up where this alternate reality seems real. For a split second, you think everything is right with the world and that your true feelings have been realized. And then you realize it's a just a dream. Just a dream. I've cried all morning. I have this regret and I can't do anything about it. Vikki doesn't want to help me. I try my best to suppress this feeling of love for her, but it's there all the same. I'm flailing.

I guess school has brought up all this feeling again; when I was preoccupied and busy and felt like I was needed somewhere, Vikki didn't even register in my thoughts. But now, school is gone. The stress was killing me. Now the most I have to look forward to is a new video game or a movie or a girl which I hope will come in my future to save me from this nightmare. And really it's a nightmare. Those dreams from which I wake and cry are the harpies. They tear the flesh from my bones and leave me begging to a God I no longer believe in. I have no one left to save me any more.

Reader. If anyone ever reads this. I have regrets and I feel like dying. Like pulling my eyes out so I never have to see this world again. For me, please do not have regrets. If someone loves you and you love them, don't wait. Life is too short. If you love someone and they don't know it, tell them. Be happy. I can't seem to be happy no matter what I do. So for God's sake reader, do it for me. If this blog - if my insane and dumb writing - does anything, I hope it tells you to not make mistakes. Even if you're hurting, if you love someone and never want to leave them, keep them safe in your arms forever. Don't do what I did.

Be happy for me.

It's Started Again

It's 7:30 am and it's started again. I didn't even get a good sleep. Not only did I have dreams about Vikki betraying me, but it also threw Laura in there too, just to make sure I woke up remembering all the betrayals of yesterday. I do not know what to do. I've got 12 hours before I can talk to anyone who knows what I'm going through. I know I'll be checking messages and my emails to see if she's sent me anything, and she wont have. Then the thoughts will just be bouncing around in my head until I speak to my counselor. And even then I suspect I'll be fine for a day, until Vikki either replies with something I don't expect or doesn't reply at all. Then it'll start all over again.

I'm shivering all over and I cannot do anything but get up and walk to random edges of the room and look blankly into an object. I'm losing it. It's taking all of me to write this and I feel like such a loser. There's this part of my which cannot do anything to untangle itself from this mess - this part might as well be all of me. Then there's this other part watching it all unfold, helpless to do anything. What if I'm already insane and I don't know it. Great, now I'll never find anyone. And why am I so obsessed with finding someone? What the fuck is wrong with me?! I just want to do what normal people do. I want a girlfriend who just says "Fuck you, I don't love you anymore". And when that happens, I want to just be the guy who goes out on the town with a few mates and comes back refreshed.

But no, I'm not like that. I cannot understand why. It is all fucked and today is already more than I can bear. If my mum wakes up and I can't fake happiness well enough, I really cannot be bothered putting up with her today also. So I've just got under 12 hours left. 12 hours until I know my thoughts are appreciated and heard by someone physical at the other end. Someone who cares. I just want someone to make it stop. I can't even breathe and Vikki is out there having a great time. It's more than I can handle. I want her to be happy. But I want her to be fair and when you've said we can't talk and everything to someone you supposedly loved, that's not fair. Not fair when you then just go and have a great time and not tell him you have time to talk. Even for 5 minutes. 

Oh my God oh my God oh my God. I cannot do this. Every second of every minute, all that I'm sad over comes rushing back in. All my mistakes, the what ifs, the regrets and sorrow from my life. I just want it to stop!

Second Thoughts

The promise I made to God has been bothering me - I told him I wouldn't play games with Vikki if he helped me sort out the situation. So does that mean what I've done is breaking that promise? I mean, I really do wish she'll come back to me and say that she still has feelings for me, despite what I fear, so in a way, it's like the game I swore to not participate in. Am I only hiding under the veil that I'm doing this for her when I'm actually still trying to win her back? If I don't post again it means I've been struck by some kind of lightning bolt from the heavens since I'm assuming that God reads all the fine print of contracts very carefully.

I mean, it wasn't just a promise, it was a covenant. The strongest type of promise (heck, I was desperate for help) and somehow I feel like I've got this bulls eye on my forehead with God lining me up thinking about how I've broken the covenant. Not only have I lost the one I love, my health, my happiness, my life (practically), my drive, but now I've pissed off God. It wasn't intentional, and I'm not even sure if this counts, but it's got me worried.

On other fronts, I still await a reply from Vikki, if one is even going to come. If you love someone, you try and contact them, so this is just reinforcing the fact that she doesn't care any more. I've found solace in video games however - I've found a group of friends on there which I can play with until whatever hour of the day, so I feel part of something. Pathetic as it seems, I feel happy mucking around with them, getting my mind of things. But every second I depart, my worries set back in. Right before bed too so I can look forward to a sleepless night.

The fact of the matter is, I haven't done any schoolwork in about a month or two. I'm meant to be doing some art at home and filling in my study logs, but now I don't even have the will to fake them. I feel like a real loser sometimes, but I don't see how to move forward. I'm hoping once I get some closure from Vikki that magically I'll move on with my life, but it's taking its toll on me since I'm remaining dormant for so long. But what if...?

What if I don't magically get back on track after Vikki replies, if she even does. What if all this time I've just wasted is for nothing? All I can think about is how much damage I've done to my body with all this stress, not eating, not sleeping and not getting out. And you know what? Deep down, and it really does scare me when I feel this way, I don't care. I enjoy the fact I'm destroying myself. Whether it's for attention or for someone to fight for me to save myself or something else, I don't know - all I know is that when I look at my tired, sad face in the mirror at night I get this sick twinge in my stomach thinking fuck you. I'm going to fuck you up really nice.

And it scares me.

Is Anybody Up There?

Well, after another sleepless night filled with weird and frightening dreams, I woke up early in my bed. The light of the day was just starting to shine through the curtains and of course, instead of simply rolling over and drifting back into blind sleep, the stupid cogs in my head had to start turning. Try as I might, I can never get this dumb motor in my skull to shut off for a second. The more I asked it to stop so I could recover some much needed sleep, the more it started whizzing around. So I decided to just lie there.

Me and God have a sort of love/hate relationship. I say I love him and he shows me how much hate he can have for someone. Of course I'm joking, but sometimes I do wonder if there is anyone up there looking down over me. In this age of science and reason, it takes a lot to persuade anyone to put their trust blindly in someone which could've quite possibly been constructed to ease man's fear of death. Me especially. 

Don't get me wrong, if there was some holy war or some calling I had to do, I'd do it without question. Deep down, I know I'll always be a good person. But when it comes to some things, I have a hard time trying to believe in God fully. In fact, a sense of silliness comes over me whenever I find myself talking randomly to the big guy in the sky. And this morning felt like a silly morning, so I thought I'd give it a crack.

So in a half-asleep stupor I starting babbling out my thoughts and hopes and fears to God in hope that it'd ease my mind. He's one tough bargainer - he managed to rope me into at least one session of church, some chores, some Bible reading time and a few covenants for his help in resolving the situation with Vikki (which ain't easy since I am strictly a non-religious religious person). Let's see if he delivers. You see, when I talk to God, strangely, he's like me. He's fair and promises to help at a price. It makes me wonder if we even talk to God at all and not some part of our uncontrolled subconscious.

It really helped though to get all my thoughts off my chest, even if I was completely convinced anyone was listening. Some how I managed to get through most of today not thinking all that much about my woes - I can definitely see the merits of passing on your sins to God etc. I just hope that the situation with Vikki can be resolved. In the end, I just want her to be happy and I promised God that if she really didn't want me around any more, then I'd accept that. I think in some ways, I was putting my happiness before hers which isn't a relationship at all, so I'm putting her first now. Look at me, I sound really silly now because you probably think I'm some religious nut. Well, the truth is far from it.

Me and my parents went through a few churches when I was young and each one had the same problems - Cliques, ignorance, intolerance and greed, they all have them in one extreme or another. The final straw for me was seeing the church bouncers throw out a homeless man for praying and preaching anti-gay sentiments. I'm not going to get into gay rights or anything right now, but I just feel that these qualities are not what God would've wanted for his churches. And besides, the church is the people, not the building, so I spend my Sundays at home or doing something I enjoy.

So for me religion is a flawed society which has strayed far from where it was intended to go. I don't know why I let God rope me into going back to church, or why I'm telling you guys this since I probably sound half mad, but if it helps the situation between me and Vikki, then I'm quite prepared to let the uncontrolled part of my subconscious have a little play. In any case, it's not as if I have anything better to do.

Restless

I can't sleep, nor do I feel like doing so. My mind keeps ticking over and I just can't help the anxiety. It's going to kill me if I don't calm down. I've never entertained the thought that one day, Vikki might not want me. She assured me so much that she wasn't like the other relationships I've had in my life, one-sided and ending with me left holding the pieces. Maybe I was wrong to trust so blindly in someone who has clearly just abused that fact. I feel like a fool. And now what am I to do? Move on? To who? I hardly go out any more since my school went extramural and once the cricket season is over, I'll have no reason to leave at all. Who is going to ever find me shackled to my house? What love and acceptance is ever going to find me there?

The moment Vikki said she didn't care about my age that night, my life changed for the better forever. I'll be forever thankful to her for that. Showing me that someone out there was willing to accept me for who I am and not judge me. To give me a chance and to love me. That is why this is so hard. I am alone on this earth. She was the only one who truly accepted me. She saw me at my worst and at my best and everywhere in between. And she didn't care. This is a real shock to me and if it turns out that she definitely does not want a relationship with me any more, then I'm going to be puzzled for the rest of my life.

If I can give some advice to anyone reading, do not ever fall for someone over the internet and absolutely do not get too deep so fast. And it goes without saying, do not get too deep too fast with someone over the internet. It's a recipe for disaster. And yet in saying that, maybe I'm just the exception. Maybe I'm the only one who can't even keep a relationship afloat. Maybe this relationship would have been doomed even in real life. Maybe. All I know is that I have consumed one pack of corn chips which I didn't even like all that much and that the taste is now residing both gleefully and annoyingly in the back of my throat. I hope it doesn't go to my waist - there should be a law of nature that states no fat should be gained from food eaten whilst wallowing over a lost love.

But then again, life doesn't like me remember...

A Friend Knocks

I don't have many friends. I have never needed any and the few I had turned out to be tools any way. I can't complain; I never sought popularity, but always wore just enough masks to be socially acceptable. I'd sit and observe below the radar, keeping out of the spot light so I could work behind the scenes, always dumbing myself down socially and intellectually so I wouldn't be a threat. I really did feel like I was a spy on an alien world sometimes, conforming to others.

Sure I was liked by those who got to know me, but I was also bullied like hell throughout my early life. This year it all changed though. I had enrolled into tertiary education for the first time. A new setting, new people - I wasn't going to pass it up. So I decided on a new me. Everything I did was probably the exact opposite; outgoing, talkative and witty. The problem is it worked.

I know it sounds strange, but I was suddenly popular, outgoing and well liked. The times someone did pick a fight with me it either bounced off or sorted itself out. I liked this new me. But for reason, I wasn't quite the same when at home. Sure I was happier, but remnants of old me kept popping through for a cup of tea. Each different side of me was conflicting but at the same time couldn't live without one another.

Am I this new happy guy or the old reclusive. Which is the mask and which is reality? Am I going mad? Sure there has been a history of mental disorders in my extended family, but I don't honestly believe that. Every day one side is either stronger or weaker and I'm finding it hard to divide the two. What I need is someone I can be open with who isn't a blog page. As fortune would have it, that someone happened to be knocking on my door at 9am this morning.

Sure 9am isn't early for most, but if you've gone to sleep at 4am that same morning you don't have to be a math teacher to work out the sum equals cranky. I barely had time to notice my pounding headache before I was embroiled in a conversation with, shall we say, "Jaffa"; he's Indian, larger than life in more ways than one, optimistic, vain, about 20 years my senior, utterly honest and incredibly loyal. Say no more. He's been following me around like a bad smell ever since we met at school, turning up at all hours to show me his artwork and telling about his dreams and life. On any given day, he'd annoy the shit out of me, but for some reason he's the only one outside my family I can be truly honest with. You couldn't get two more opposite people, but we get along like a bulimic and a toilet bowl. 

Maybe it's what I need, maybe it's not; I'm willing to ride it along to see what comes out. I could use a bit of honestly right now in my life and I definitely think that Jaffa can give it to me. Hopefully someone else can see what's really there behind my masks even if I can't.