Complicated... As Per Usual

As if online hook-ups with strangers after lying wasn't bad enough! I am currently back with the girl, who we'll call Jess, but not only that, tonight I hit on her best friend Lisa! So not only am I still reaping the fruits of my lies in the form of online sexual encounters, but I now have been unfaithful too! As you can see I'm pretty confused and worried right now, so let's start from the beginning and unravel my mind together. Because let's face it, when it comes to the vast and varied enigma that is my fucked up head, you know as much as me.

"Why can't I have a little fun? Why do I always have to finish last and never get a little naughty?" This is what I was thinking when I spoke to Jess right before we began our relationship again. And really, why not? Why can't I have some fun and muck around with some girl? Sure it's not real in the physical sense, and maybe I wasn't entirely truthful when entering into it, but this time it felt right. It didn't feel so debauched. And indeed we've had some very intimate moments over the weeks we've been continuing our relationship. We know it's just a bit of fun. A bit of closeness for two wounded individuals in this cold world. But is a one night stand and casual sex in the real world the same as its' cyber equivalent? Can either be acceptable for someone like me, someone who supposedly respects women and nurtured relationships?

Whatever the morality, I was in the relationship once again with Jess, like an inevitable gravity pulling me ever towards her no matter how hard I tried to escape. But as you may know already, this is not the only thing pulling me (excuse the crude pun). For always in the background is the web of disaster and woe drawing me ever into its' tangled maze. Like a small child gazing at candy laid in a convenient line all the way to a gingerbread house, I am forever drawn to completely and unequivocally fucking everything up.

Jess lives with her best friend Lisa. Both have befriended me online and have become close friends. To tell the truth, Lisa is far more my type of woman than Jess will ever be. The irony is that Lisa likes me only as a friend and would never have an online relationship with me. As much as I hate to admit it, it seems that no matter my intentions, I have fallen for the easy one. I know it sounds cruel and I hate myself for saying it, but it's true. What little relationship we had outside of online sex, Jess made me promise not to do it with anyone else. So what do I go and do? Not only do I express my interest in a girl, I make sure that girl is, out of all 3.3 billion of them on this planet, Lisa, Jess' best friend.

Oh what a fool. I even knew Lisa liked me only as a friend before I asked her, which she confirmed after I had sufficiently made a fool of myself. "X". One little letter. An implied kiss and now I have broken my unbreakable vow. Don't cheat. Don't be unfaithful. I've witnessed the effects and the hurt of infidelity first hand through several years of my life. And now I have, even though it's only in the world of pixels and data, done just the thing I spent my whole like making sure I'd never. And for all the low morality I feel for me and Jess' "relationship", I still know there's a real girl on the end of that line. Someone with a beating heart. With feelings. Feelings to hurt.

I knew it was a mistake as soon as I told Lisa. Sure in real life, maybe we'd be best friends and maybe we could go on a date. Maybe me and Jess could too. But online, this can never be and I've put the only one who is willing to be intimate with me, the only one who is willing to share themselves and be vulnerable, at risk of being betrayed. And in all this is me. I feel lost in it. Foremost on my mind is what is happening to me. First online sex. Now I'm cheating. What's next? Will I continue to cheat? It was so easy. Just a slip. One careless moment thinking only of myself. Only to see if I could hopelessly fall in love with yet another faceless spirit through my lies and deceit. Is it even that big of a deal?

I feel compelled to tell Jess. Maybe because I feel guilt and want to confess. Maybe because I know it will drive her away and cease what has been a very troubled and confusing time for me. I'm still coming to grips as to why and what happened. Everything is pointing at me being someone far lesser than what I had imagined myself to be. I'm having trouble coming to terms with the fact that maybe I'm just as flawed as everyone else. I knew I was troubled, but never for this.

On the scale of cheating, I'd say this was low. I placed a letter and flirted with someone who did not return my glances. I knew it was wrong and I certainly do not wish to continue or hide my lapse. Perhaps in real life I might not be so foolish. Maybe the boundless edges of cyberspace have done my head in - too many new experiences and not enough familiar ones to reign me in. Regardless of the cause, I have but one question - what now? Should I even be in a relationship at all of this nature? Is the nature degrading my morals? Am I bad for even thinking that a nice girl should be considered as having lesser morals for partaking in such a relationship? Was it really cheating? Should I tell Jess? In real life would I still go for the "easy" girl or for Lisa who I get along with and like more?

Once again my questions bounce unheard off the glass of my computer screen, the incessant tapping of my keyboard the only thing keeping me from giving up completely. Maybe me and girls just do not mix. I'm sure other guys would see a way around this. Maybe just lie, find a way to have both or just not screw up in the first place. Hopefully when I tell Jess, I'll have figured out not only the words, but the cause too. And maybe she'll forgive me. I doubt it. For such a care-free relationship, I sure did managed to screw it up. A lot.

What To Do

Well I feel a tiny bit better. The feelings of suicide and ending it all have passed - I think it was just the shock of finding out Vikki could be so cold that really threw me. What's the most disappointing now is my phone counselor - she tries her best but she hasn't given me any tools to help deal with things or change my life. And worst yet, I can only talk for an hour before she begins to wind things up. It just highlights the fact I need to talk to my parents now - they can be there to help me and they don't have a time limit. My mum made an effort last night to talk to me and not get angry, but it'll take a while to get things where I need them to be.

So now what? I just wait for Vikki to reply and grace me with her presence? I can't seem to move on without getting closure from her and I just want to do it by myself. But to tell the truth, I'm still madly in love with her and I know I'm a fool. But what do I do now? I feel like one of those girls sitting by the phone waiting for a date to ring, only wait all day for nothing. A day wasted. But in this case, it's been two months and not a day. Why can't she just be nice and do something which will help me unimaginably? I've had so much to say and ask which you only can when the person is there.

The thought of her and that asshole Tracy spending time together for hours when she knew I wanted to talk to her is just so hard to get over. It's just so inconsiderate. I cannot believe the saying "You reap what you sow". The way I get treated sometimes it's like I'm the worst person in the world. I was ever considerate of Vikki's feelings and would talk when she wanted to at the drop of a hat. If she was down I'd go and pick her up and if she was lonely I'd go and spend time with her. If someone picked on her, I stood up for her and stopped talking to the person. She never did that. And now she not only spends time with that person for hours, but completely drops me when I need to talk, feeling lonely and hurt and betrayed.

Why do I still love her? Why can't I move on? Why do I need closure so much? I just really hope that Vikki shows some compassion and just talks to me. That's all I want. I only ever wanted her to be happy because I love her, and yet if she loved me, surely she'd want the same? I'm clearly unhappy and yet she still avoids me. Love doesn't end when the relationship ends. You always love people in one form or another. Even a stranger on the street I feel love for and would console if they felt sad. And yet, I'm not even a stranger to her any more. It's just so... rejected. I really do not think she gets it at all. Maybe I was too nice being so considerate. I could've been cruel and told her when she wanted to take a break that we were over and that she meant nothing to me. I could've been a guy who hurt her. But I wasn't.

The most important thing now is that I don't want to become this pain I feel. I hope I can get through this. Well, so because my counselor couldn't help, I guess I'll need to come up with a plan. I want to be that happy and outgoing, happening guy which I was when I was with Vikki. I'd treat people with respect and care about things. I'd feel like I was worth something. I had goals and dreams that did not just include Vikki. I'd laugh and smile. I miss that guy. So what's the plan? To be honest, all I can think about is just getting a reply from Vikki and making it through until then. If I have to send her an email every day, I will. I don't care if I sound crazy - I need closure and I need to talk. It's my life and God damn it I want it to be good again.

It's Started Again

It's 7:30 am and it's started again. I didn't even get a good sleep. Not only did I have dreams about Vikki betraying me, but it also threw Laura in there too, just to make sure I woke up remembering all the betrayals of yesterday. I do not know what to do. I've got 12 hours before I can talk to anyone who knows what I'm going through. I know I'll be checking messages and my emails to see if she's sent me anything, and she wont have. Then the thoughts will just be bouncing around in my head until I speak to my counselor. And even then I suspect I'll be fine for a day, until Vikki either replies with something I don't expect or doesn't reply at all. Then it'll start all over again.

I'm shivering all over and I cannot do anything but get up and walk to random edges of the room and look blankly into an object. I'm losing it. It's taking all of me to write this and I feel like such a loser. There's this part of my which cannot do anything to untangle itself from this mess - this part might as well be all of me. Then there's this other part watching it all unfold, helpless to do anything. What if I'm already insane and I don't know it. Great, now I'll never find anyone. And why am I so obsessed with finding someone? What the fuck is wrong with me?! I just want to do what normal people do. I want a girlfriend who just says "Fuck you, I don't love you anymore". And when that happens, I want to just be the guy who goes out on the town with a few mates and comes back refreshed.

But no, I'm not like that. I cannot understand why. It is all fucked and today is already more than I can bear. If my mum wakes up and I can't fake happiness well enough, I really cannot be bothered putting up with her today also. So I've just got under 12 hours left. 12 hours until I know my thoughts are appreciated and heard by someone physical at the other end. Someone who cares. I just want someone to make it stop. I can't even breathe and Vikki is out there having a great time. It's more than I can handle. I want her to be happy. But I want her to be fair and when you've said we can't talk and everything to someone you supposedly loved, that's not fair. Not fair when you then just go and have a great time and not tell him you have time to talk. Even for 5 minutes. 

Oh my God oh my God oh my God. I cannot do this. Every second of every minute, all that I'm sad over comes rushing back in. All my mistakes, the what ifs, the regrets and sorrow from my life. I just want it to stop!

Betrayal

Today was bad, but tonight was getting better. I mean, I hadn't thought of topping myself for at least a whole 6 hours and I was feeling confident. Life, doesn't it have a sense of humour. I randomly just started looking at a site and saw to my surprise that Vikki has been online. For days. And not only that, but with Tracy! So here I am, the supposed "love of her life" and not only has she not said anything, or made any notion to talk despite my numerous attempts to (all greeted with "I'm too busy"), but she then goes and hangs out with the very guy who started the big fight which ruined us in the first place!

As soon as I saw it I felt like vomiting. I've felt like vomiting before, but never like this. I felt like crying and vomiting and slitting my wrists all with one clean motion. And I still might. I cannot do this. I'm out. I want this stupid charade to be fucking over. I poured my heart and soul into that woman and she's out without a care in the world. As I write this, I can't breathe, I can't think and I certainly cannot cope. Oh my God this is so fucking shit. And nobody fucking cares. Let's just have a fucking shit on Spawn Man day eh?

And no, it's not just her. Today an old friend - if we can even call her that - made out like she wanted to reconcile with me. Turns out she only wanted to betray me with her boyfriend. It's a long story which, unfortunately, I have time to tell. Basically, she's married (we'll call her Laura for now) and was having an online affair. She confided in me and I tried to help her. It worked for a while, then she gave up and went back to her bit on the side. I didn't like it, she took offense and she got all shitty and blocked me from contacting her. Out of the blue she sends me a message saying she's sorry and I come on tonight to sort it out. Turns out she shares her accounts with her boyfriend and they both start attacking me and rubbing in the fact they're having an affair online. And this is a woman with a husband and kids and a doctor's career!

Who finds love? Shit-heads like that. She had the looks (on the outside anyway), the career, the husband and the children. She doesn't even have to lift a finger and she can have her family. What does she do? Treats it like it means nothing to her. Squanders it. Not only that, openly flaunts the fact she's got two guys on the side all over her website. That's a cold bitch. And as for me? I try my hardest to find love and even the ones I get I can't keep. People who deserve things never get them and those who will only squander them always end up stinking of them.

So today has been hectic for me. And I'll agree, it's all online. But online isn't necessarily unreal. It's very real. There's real emotions and love and hate. Real people. You're reading my life and I'm real. You're real (hopefully). Anyone who says that things online are no big deal gets a bad mark in my books. But now I can't even enjoy myself online any more. Whether it's drama from an online girlfriend who I love, or someone I only tried to help turning on me with her boyfriend, or a group of players who betray me because they don't like the way I play, or things which remind me of all of them - it's all taking it's toll. 

I'm on a thin wire and a wind is coming. I can feel my life just hanging there, just wishing it can make it across before the next gust. These last few days I've never felt so alone. I haven't eaten or spoken in the last few days and my parents still do not even sense the real danger I'm in. And yet I can't tell them. All I can think about is just how I'm going to kill myself, who'd turn up to my funeral, if anyone would even care. About how my death would affect anyone, if I'd be tormented by having to watch Vikki continue on with her life or if my parents would cope. If I'd be scared after I'd done it and wish someone would save me, only to find my parents were watching television or something. Or if there'd just be a big black nothing and that it really was worth sticking around to at least make some contribution even if I was miserable. Maybe I should go out with a blaze and take out my bitch of a grandmother and cunt of an uncle with me. Or maybe I should just disappear and never be found.

Never before have I felt like this. So utterly betrayed and unloved. I'll admit, I was a bit weird sometimes in our relationship or go upset at odd things, but I was always reasonable and always tried my best. I knew when I'd done wrong and apologized. I knew when to comfort Vikki and when to support her. I bought her expensive gifts and returned them because she didn't wear earrings. So I'd buy her necklaces instead. I offered my home, my money and my heart to her. I never asked for it back. I did all this and yet I'm not even worth talking to. Not even a piece of shit on everyone's shoe. I'm praying for someone to just stand up and stop this film and go "Hey, this isn't fair!". But it's no film. There's no rewind or pause. There's a play and if I choose, a stop. The question is: Is the film going to get better?

Is the film going to give the guy a break? Is his life going to get better? Or is everything just going to spin out of control? All I know is that I want my parents to get out of the house and me and a bottle of strong alcohol are going to get acquainted. I don't even care which one - I've never been a drinker and even the smallest bit gets me tipsy. All I want is the one which will make me forget the most. The one which will be my friend and do something no one else can do - just stop this. And I mean, being upset at night I can cope with usually. But I'm waking up sad. It's like the sleep was just a short break in the nightmare and now I have a whole day ahead to endure. Another day of not being able to breathe. Another day of finding out just how much I'm unloved.

I just hope I make it until 7pm tomorrow. That's when my counselor's shift begins and I have someone I can talk to other than this stupid blog. And it really is stupid. A record of my stupid life for all to see. I hope you're all entertained. I hope God, you big fat fuck sitting in your angel-covered shit, I hope you're entertained. I'm sick of believing in someone just because we're all too scared to admit that there's nothing else out there. We all go to die in a cold fucking place and there's no afterlife. Just black and nothing. If there was a heaven then it'd pick me up now because everyone knows I've never done a bad deed in my entire life worthy of any of this and I don't want to have to commit suicide. I just want this to stop. 

The worst I've ever done is eat a chocolate in a store when I was a toddler and write my name on a wall at work and school. I've sworn at my parents and I've been a pain sometimes, but they know they wouldn't swap me for anyone else. I don't stay out, I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, have sex (God knows I try), I bring home good grades and I can socialize with the ability of more than a pea. So in the best humour I can muster at this moment - What gives? Why the fuck can't I just get a break? Okay, she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she's busy at work and everything. But do I need to know she's online and hanging out with the people who broke the camel's back? Do I really need to know that I'm that fucking unloved that the person I gave my heart and soul to really doesn't give a fucking shit whether I have a heart attack from all the stress or not? Do I really?!

Look do whatever. I don't know who that's directed at, but it can apply to everyone. Everyone can go get fucked. God, you can for obvious reasons. You want to smite me with your high and mighty powers? Fucking do it big guy! You useless sack of shit! At least make someone happy and fucking kill me right now. You readers. Do whatever the hell you want. Want to continue reading this fucking shit? Be my guest. You want to leave? Go ahead. I really do not care. Vikki? Well you can do whatever too! We've all got free choice here and you've chosen door number three - being an uncaring cow who seemingly cares more for just about everyone other than me. Congrats, you get the new car! As for me - you can do whatever too. All those rules which you spent your life making to make you a good person? A good, deserving person? Well all that is bullshit because it gets you nowhere buddy! As of now, the rules are off and you are free. Go drink and get fucked up because while you're at it, flip a coin and if it's heads, you get to to slit your wrists and if it's tails, find some long-worded drug and swallow the whole box.

As for everyone else? You can kiss my ass. Maybe my problems aren't as big as others'. But I don't give a shit. Keep the orphans in Africa speech for someone who hasn't hit rock bottom. All my life I've been bullied by people who don't care. Sometimes I don't think my parents care. The woman which showed me unconditional love and to which I gave my heart. She doesn't care. I'm always last to get picked. Always the overlooked one and the hated one. The guy which treats all the girls with respect and they take out the bad boy anyway. The guy who sits and wonders how people can have meaningless sex and can squander away a family and love like it means nothing. The kid who will always stick up for you against bullies, but is always left to stand up for himself when they turn on him. The guy who trusts and gets burnt and still wants to be loyal to you. The guy who is me.

I'm that guy. But no more. I'm sick of this fucking guy.