New Beginnings

As the saying goes, in every life there's a time for a reaping and a sowing. And for me, the fronds of my life are just beginning to sprout again, up from the ashes. Looking back over these months of blog posts, I thought I saw a life being undone. Now I see that it is a life being reborn. A time of finding my way, my place, my voice and my heart. Of seeing people fall away and of seeing people rise. From my grandmother's death I was able to start a career. From the losses of my love and my friends, I was able to achieve perspective. Whatever the case, this time in my life has not destroyed me, but left me experienced - somewhat more than I would've enjoyed - but experienced all the same. Reborn from the fire to face it all over again.

You know of my troubles with family and love and life. My time at art school finished with a bang of a similar fashion. It was mostly my fault of course; never seeing the outcome of my lies or actions until they're gone and I'm wishing there was an "undo" button. I asked a girl out, as far as I knew it was for a date, and we went to the cinema. Only there did I find out she had a boyfriend. I flowed with it all the same and when I was asked by my art tutor the next day how my date went, I said it went brilliantly, not naming names. However harmless the lie, time and again I find out that full honesty is the best medicine, no matter how horrible. Had I not shared this lie in the presence of another student, I may still be at art school today. But this was not an ordinary student.

Since I started at the art school, one student, Rick, had had it out for me for no reason at all. My presence annoyed him in his words. As he was a cruel, pot-smoking douche which everyone seemed to like, I tried my best to avoid him as much as possible. But it just so happened Rick was in the carpool on the way to school when I divulged my status-increasing lie to my tutor. So far, so good. Rick looked suspicious, but I felt that my lie went down well and that I'd gotten away with it. But little did I know that it was only the beginning of a chain of events which would lead to a terrible conclusion.

The girl I asked out was a friend of a friend, who I hung out with at school. When that friend texted me about why I hadn't been going to school as much lately, I joked around that I was dying. Hilarious to me. Less so to my friend. Somehow this got around to the girl I went to the movies with and from there, somehow Rick found out about it and then also that I never went on a "date". The car ride to school the next day, to say the least, was tense. Rick claimed that my date was a sham and that I should stop texting the girls. Little did I know that Rick had (at least in my eyes) either a crush on the girl I went to the cinema with and/or a vendetta against me. I passed it off and said that I dated several people, none of which he knew, and that it was none of his business. Luckily my fellow carpoolers bought the story and defended me. I came close to punching Rick that day; in fact I did try and trip him up on the stairs after I found out that the two girls had completely snubbed me and were gossiping. Rick threatened to kill me and I haven't been back since because quite frankly, I know I'll do the prick over and I've spent too long being a good person for him to mess it up.

So you see, once again lies have given me a valuable lesson. A lie to make myself seem more impressive and a joke which was in bad taste. Harmless. To everyone but myself. Time and again the consequences have proven this to me. I'll admit, I was unlucky to tell a lie while in the presence of the one person willing to doggedly disprove it just for the hell of it, but in any case, not telling it in the first place would've saved me a lot of heart ache. So you see, although many things change, some things never seem to. I never seem to learn from these lessons. I always seem to think I'm too smart to get caught lying. Too cunning. In the end I guess I'm not.

The reason I came on tonight was because another of my best friends online simply deleted me and made sure I could never contact him again for nothing more than messaging him and "not leaving him alone". I'll admit, I'm upset. He'd been my friend for more than a year and we'd had some good times together. I just guess that people don't see the world the way I do. I'm loyal and if I have a problem with you, I'll tell you instead of simply cutting you off. I'll be emotionally intuitive. I'll care. As my parents always tell me, the world just doesn't think like that. But in this time of new growth, it doesn't register as a strike against my heart, but as a new leaf of experience for me to grow from. Even as I write, the hurt is going. Probably because I also know that just a new experience comes, so do new friends. Enter Andy.

I spent a solid month lapping up any work I could get my hands on via the local student job search. On one such job I met Andy. We clicked immediately and although he doesn't contact me before I contact him, he seems like a good soul with a good head. Just as my view of people was waning, I find someone who is decent. Someone who doesn't act like a schoolboy, as with Rick or my other friends. Someone who is mature. Thankfully he hasn't asked my age, because if he had when I first met him I'd have probably told him a lie, and I've had too many relationships begin on a lie. It's not that I want to lie. It's just that it's safe within this shell. This mask where I can be whatever you want me to be. Where people take you seriously and don't dismiss you on age or who you date or what you do.

But wear my mask I still do. I'm even lying to my extended family now. After my grandmother died, I was able to acquire a professional camera from her estate. Although I'd rather have my grandmother, it seems almost a gift from her to me so I can have a career. But before long, I just have to taint it. I'm already saying that I've gotten a job at a magazine to my family, friends and even strangers, when the reality is that I haven't even sent in my portfolio. Every time I tell a lie it makes me feel that bit more distant from others.

This new beginning is too brilliant to taint with my lies. It shouldn't just be a new chance to put on new masks to make me feel secure. Maybe I've been burnt again and again to realize that I'm meant to. Maybe I'm not supposed to cover my vulnerability with these masks. Maybe this new chance is just that. A new chance. A chance to feel life as myself, the only version of me I'll ever be. But it's baby steps right now. It's hard to break the habit of a lifetime. I'm still just poking my head through the dirt.

A Place Of Dying

I went with my family to see my grandmother (the good one, not the one which disowned us) at the nursing home where she now resides. I don't like rest homes - between the stench of shit, piss and death and the fact no one there knows you, even the one you're related to, there's not much to like about them. You basically go there to die. It's where the cattle goes to live out it's life where no one can see them or hear them. I always fear I'll end up like them, my body a prison for my mind. Do they know deep down where they are or what's happening? I can only imagine the terror, seeing yourself sit day in and day out wallowing until one day you beg for your death. I never want to end up like that. I want a long, good life, but not one where it ends with me being there.

My grandmother was good. Her words trailed off now and then, but for a moment, she recognized me. The hardest part was knowing that our visits are the highlight of her life now, the only feature which separates the monotonous drone of nothing. She asked what the time was, as if she'd realized she'd been in her room for years and that outside the walls around her breathed a world which carried on. I can only imagine it being similar to being grounded inside your room while your friends play outside. Only that it isn't your friends and that your room is actually a nightmare where you are merely an onlooker into your own world. Helpless.

As we went to drive off, a few varied old people tried to attack the car as if it was some B-Grade zombie flick. It's always difficult leaving, not knowing if your loved one will still be there the next time you visit. It puts your life into perspective. And perspective for me is only depression.

Why should I wait for Vikki when I could be gone tomorrow? What a wasted life if I die and nothing I wanted is complete. All my life I've feared dying young. Young and unfulfilled. And Vikki gave me that fulfillment. I pinned all my hopes and dreams and love to her bright star like a fool. Every word I ever uttered to her I gave away. All the plans of marriage and children. Heck, even our first kiss. I pinned them all to her and she simply flew away taking them all with her without a care for me or how I am to continue without everything I gave away. Do I wait for her or do I carry on?

I have but a small amount of hope in my heart and it that which is killing me. I do not simply want to cast this hope away incase Vikki comes back to me - if I've cast it away I will surely not want her back. But if I keep this hope I will feel like a fool and I will surely cast aside any other love which tries to enter my life. So what must I do? Wait or not wait? Remember or forget? I really do wish someone would gift me a sheet of answers so that I may pass this time in my life.

I am waiting in my heart, but with each day that passes I can feel my hatred growing. I fear that when she returns, I'll hate her so much that I will resent her every breath. Try as I might to simply forget her, this pain from my broken heart continues to resound in my diaphragm. And it really is a physical sensation. From my heart to my stomach I can feel a weight. A dilemma. I will try to forget her and what has happened. If I live freely and do let other loves into my life if they come, then I can't resent her. And it will also stop me feeling so upset about her too.

All I know is that I don't want my heart to become a place of dying.