Who Am I?

I used to be the good guy. The one who could be the perfect boyfriend and the one you could always trust. I've been slipping. If you were to look back even two years in my life, you would not recognize me. Some changes have been good. Some bad. And lately it feels as though the bad has outweighed the good by a large margin. From someone who would never even dream of having a girlfriend, to someone who cheats on them, even if it is virtually. What have I become? I've been left with a bitter taste towards women and have beaten myself up over what I've done more times than I should have. The lies, the masks, the screw ups; I'm just scared I'm drifting too far from where I was happy. Sure I was an introverted, fat little guy, but at least I knew I was a good person. Now, I'm not too sure any more.

Vikki really screwed me up. I'll admit that I played a role in our demise, but what happened with her has damaged my views towards women and the ones I've met since have not helped my negative outlook. I know a few women read this blog, but I'll be blunt - my encounters have shown me that women, despite the tradition, are just as unintuitive and flawed as men. I'm not saying men are any better, because they're not, but women are supposed to be the sensitive ones. The caring and compassionate ones. Vikki and Jess showed me what it's like to be lied to. What it's like to be undermined and kicked to the curb. To be hurt. Maybe I'm just too damn sensitive. Some days I feel like I'm the most sensitive person in the world.

In these past few years I've been through a lot. It's no excuse for how I've been drifting lately, but I've been through a lot of new experiences which have left me reeling for a way to react. Deaths, suicides, the loss of my family and friends, schools and clubs, fights and love and heartbreak. I've lost weight and grown up and have really started to enter the adult world of university and work. I've made mistakes - huge mistakes - and lost a lot as a result. And I've cheated. Whatever has happened in the last few years I can excuse, but cheating I cannot. Even the most marginal of infidelity I cannot excuse when the perpetrator is me. I continue to come back to that moment again and again. I know the effects of adultery first hand. It ruined my childhood and shaped me in ways I shouldn't have been. And yet I still did it. A girl I was frustrated with in a world that wasn't real. It was set up for me to fail and I walked into it like a fool.

So who am I? As if having my masks wasn't hard enough. Now one of them is not one even I like to wear. Or is it me? Have I really turned into the person I don't want to be? Maybe I should give myself a break. It was a terrible mistake to make granted, but maybe I should stop beating myself up about it. The only one hurt was me; I'm just glad that I was able to learn from it during a relationship I wasn't involved in physically or emotionally, rather than one with someone I really loved in real life. If I've learnt from my transgression and won't do it again, then why can't I forgive myself? I need to know I'm still a good person, and if I keep nailing this cross into my mind, then I'll never get that back. I know for certain that I'll never get involved online again; it's too easy to slip up when you can't see your lover's face and how they hurt, and ultimately, always ends in heartbreak. I never proclaimed to know myself, my capabilities to hurt and be hurt, or that I knew anything in life. Maybe in time this feeling will go, and maybe, just maybe, I'll know what it's like to have confidence in myself and my actions again. To know I'm a good person.

Long, Hard Look...

I've really been taking stock in my life the past few days. Maybe I'm just not the person I thought myself to be. Once again, as if it were ever going to end any other way, I've driven away yet another person I cared about. The last I heard from Jess was that she "had to go" a few days ago. It seems to be the tagline of my life - another passive aggressive rejection. Whenever I get too close to somebody, somehow, some way, I managed to push them away. Maybe it's so I can see if they care enough to come back. So far I've not met anybody who has. In the end, either through my fault or theirs', I end up holding the pieces.

I decided to end things with Jess. She was not impressed from what I managed to gather during our final brief conversation which she quickly ended. The problems had started when she asked if I'd missed her - apparently I was her "hon". Maybe Vikki has ruined things for me permanently, or maybe I'm just not the tolerable partner I once thought, but I definitely did not want to get into a serious relationship with someone online again. At least not one where I was made to feel guilty when I answered her question with a "no". As cold as it was, I wasn't thinking about her. I didn't want to either. Life is complicated and maybe I just wasn't ready to be intimate with anyone.

I've soldiered on. Even if it's with the knowledge that I'm a cold-hearted bastard who has a bitter hatred for women now. I guess all my life I've been expecting love and partnership to be this wonderful thing where two souls combine. But twice now I've been shown that it is nothing more than a brief candle that doesn't combine two people any more than oil mixes with water. I've actually really given up on girls. Even when I was totally clear and said I wanted nothing more than a bit of fun, which was a huge milestone (or step backward depending on what you see) in itself, it still turns into a game of cheesy love talk and annoying girls who I eventually find fault with and lose forever.

Will I always have this anger towards women? I want to love women. I do love them. But I hate them so much. Every girl I've ever asked out and been rejected by. Vikki. Jess. They're all the same. "We're not like the others - we're here to stay". And then they leave. They act all confusing and then leave just like the rest. And every one which does just throws another log on the fire of my burning heart as they walk out the door. Every log another reason why I resent them. Will I ever find that one special girl who is perfect for me? The one who can say "I love you" and the one who will stand up for me. The one who can read my mind. And even then, will I only push her away too?

It seems there are only two people in my life who don't hate me. My parents. And those who I haven't met. I guess I'm just one of those people who others must have an opinion about. And that opinion just happens to be dislike more often than not. I've always been close to my parents. They're my best friends. I know that even if I was to tell them everything on this blog, they'd still love me and respect me as a person. But what happens when they're gone? I know it seems morbid, but every day I can almost feel a counter above my head, counting down to the day I must die. The day my parents die. I can count in my head the approximate number of days I have left - only so many weekends I have to spend with my father. Or the number of my mother's birthdays left to celebrate. The number of years before the chance of me having a family are gone - and believe me, I know that I probably already halfway through my life even at such a young age. To think I'll have no loved ones left behind though? That depresses me.

Death is so final. One may look at it flippantly, but if you actually take a moment and realize it, it's terrifying. The day when you'll never ever see that person again. The day when you find out that they're not always going to be around. My parents always tell me think positively and not wish my death upon myself. I don't want to die. I want children and I want a wife! I want to grow old and be there for my grandchildren and live a fruitful life. And yet there is a constant ticking. That constant ticking in my head where I can see where all things end. I just don't want the day to come where all I love dies. The day where I must stop, look around and see no one. The day when I realize what I really am...

Alone.

Complicated... As Per Usual

As if online hook-ups with strangers after lying wasn't bad enough! I am currently back with the girl, who we'll call Jess, but not only that, tonight I hit on her best friend Lisa! So not only am I still reaping the fruits of my lies in the form of online sexual encounters, but I now have been unfaithful too! As you can see I'm pretty confused and worried right now, so let's start from the beginning and unravel my mind together. Because let's face it, when it comes to the vast and varied enigma that is my fucked up head, you know as much as me.

"Why can't I have a little fun? Why do I always have to finish last and never get a little naughty?" This is what I was thinking when I spoke to Jess right before we began our relationship again. And really, why not? Why can't I have some fun and muck around with some girl? Sure it's not real in the physical sense, and maybe I wasn't entirely truthful when entering into it, but this time it felt right. It didn't feel so debauched. And indeed we've had some very intimate moments over the weeks we've been continuing our relationship. We know it's just a bit of fun. A bit of closeness for two wounded individuals in this cold world. But is a one night stand and casual sex in the real world the same as its' cyber equivalent? Can either be acceptable for someone like me, someone who supposedly respects women and nurtured relationships?

Whatever the morality, I was in the relationship once again with Jess, like an inevitable gravity pulling me ever towards her no matter how hard I tried to escape. But as you may know already, this is not the only thing pulling me (excuse the crude pun). For always in the background is the web of disaster and woe drawing me ever into its' tangled maze. Like a small child gazing at candy laid in a convenient line all the way to a gingerbread house, I am forever drawn to completely and unequivocally fucking everything up.

Jess lives with her best friend Lisa. Both have befriended me online and have become close friends. To tell the truth, Lisa is far more my type of woman than Jess will ever be. The irony is that Lisa likes me only as a friend and would never have an online relationship with me. As much as I hate to admit it, it seems that no matter my intentions, I have fallen for the easy one. I know it sounds cruel and I hate myself for saying it, but it's true. What little relationship we had outside of online sex, Jess made me promise not to do it with anyone else. So what do I go and do? Not only do I express my interest in a girl, I make sure that girl is, out of all 3.3 billion of them on this planet, Lisa, Jess' best friend.

Oh what a fool. I even knew Lisa liked me only as a friend before I asked her, which she confirmed after I had sufficiently made a fool of myself. "X". One little letter. An implied kiss and now I have broken my unbreakable vow. Don't cheat. Don't be unfaithful. I've witnessed the effects and the hurt of infidelity first hand through several years of my life. And now I have, even though it's only in the world of pixels and data, done just the thing I spent my whole like making sure I'd never. And for all the low morality I feel for me and Jess' "relationship", I still know there's a real girl on the end of that line. Someone with a beating heart. With feelings. Feelings to hurt.

I knew it was a mistake as soon as I told Lisa. Sure in real life, maybe we'd be best friends and maybe we could go on a date. Maybe me and Jess could too. But online, this can never be and I've put the only one who is willing to be intimate with me, the only one who is willing to share themselves and be vulnerable, at risk of being betrayed. And in all this is me. I feel lost in it. Foremost on my mind is what is happening to me. First online sex. Now I'm cheating. What's next? Will I continue to cheat? It was so easy. Just a slip. One careless moment thinking only of myself. Only to see if I could hopelessly fall in love with yet another faceless spirit through my lies and deceit. Is it even that big of a deal?

I feel compelled to tell Jess. Maybe because I feel guilt and want to confess. Maybe because I know it will drive her away and cease what has been a very troubled and confusing time for me. I'm still coming to grips as to why and what happened. Everything is pointing at me being someone far lesser than what I had imagined myself to be. I'm having trouble coming to terms with the fact that maybe I'm just as flawed as everyone else. I knew I was troubled, but never for this.

On the scale of cheating, I'd say this was low. I placed a letter and flirted with someone who did not return my glances. I knew it was wrong and I certainly do not wish to continue or hide my lapse. Perhaps in real life I might not be so foolish. Maybe the boundless edges of cyberspace have done my head in - too many new experiences and not enough familiar ones to reign me in. Regardless of the cause, I have but one question - what now? Should I even be in a relationship at all of this nature? Is the nature degrading my morals? Am I bad for even thinking that a nice girl should be considered as having lesser morals for partaking in such a relationship? Was it really cheating? Should I tell Jess? In real life would I still go for the "easy" girl or for Lisa who I get along with and like more?

Once again my questions bounce unheard off the glass of my computer screen, the incessant tapping of my keyboard the only thing keeping me from giving up completely. Maybe me and girls just do not mix. I'm sure other guys would see a way around this. Maybe just lie, find a way to have both or just not screw up in the first place. Hopefully when I tell Jess, I'll have figured out not only the words, but the cause too. And maybe she'll forgive me. I doubt it. For such a care-free relationship, I sure did managed to screw it up. A lot.

Messing With My Mind

This whole online sex saga is really messing with my mind. Have I really become one of those guys I've always loathed? The kind which use women for sex and then cast them aside? The kind which are only interested in getting a girl's panties and not in the romance of it all? I know my intentions were never to harm or use her, but maybe it's just one step on the road to my demise.

My thoughts are a jumble and I feel like dirt. I feel like somehow what I did was wrong - but was the mindless urge to do these things with this girl wrong or was it how I did them that was? Normally I love the courtship, but when I was with her, being intimate in a very erotic way was exciting. At least until I realized it wasn't for me. And thus is my confusion. Do I enjoy romance or do I enjoy plain eroticism? Must the two be separate? Is my type of girl the one who would do that with me online? I think not. So why did I do it?

Time and again I frustrate myself. Most guys would be slapping each other high fives over snagging some girl online. Me? I have a life crisis. So maybe all is not lost. Maybe I was just in want of intimacy or confirmation that I was still desirable and found that was not the way best suited for me to find it. Or maybe I was just bored. Whatever the case, I'm questioning myself yet again and I don't like the answers.

I pride myself on being a gentleman. I knew when I was saying these things to her I was not being one. I knew I was going against my morals. It wasn't the intimacy of a couple who have been together for many years and want to share something special. No, it was of a back room screw. I think I've had my first dose of lust. I feel like a babe sucking on a lemon for the first time. The bright colours seem enticing, but it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. And now that I've had my first taste, where will it lead me? To make sure I never make the same mistake again? Or down a path for more?

I will admit, I am ashamed. Some may question why, but if you know me, I respect women. I know she said yes too, but I did something which was not in my nature and it scares me. If I can do this once, what else am I capable of? I feel the eyes of my peers upon me. Even you my readers. The kind, caring depressive is now just like every other bonehead you can find in a Girls Gone Wild video.

Maybe I should just forget about girls. I've got my studies. My work. My friends. time and again they give me nothing but heartache when I pursue them. Maybe I should just live my life and hopefully, in time, I'll be able to see what is normal and healthy for me in a relationship.

And maybe I'll have the guts to call myself a gentleman again.

Online Hook-Ups... And Break-Ups

"I don't seem to know what my end-game is. I certainly won't be in a physical relationship with any one of these people. They won't be sending me nude pictures and sexy texts..." How wrong I was. For all my lying, the sexy chats and pictures began with one of my online friends. I'm either too good at deceiving now, or maybe I really am desirable. Probably the former. But started it did. Innocent little teasing texts at first. Then the nude pictures and erotic messages.

But like a famous line from a movie I love so dear, I'm like a dog chasing cars. Even if I caught one I wouldn't know what to do with it. And so it was here. All my lying had once again resulted in a trusting girl sharing herself with me. Me. If it can even be called that. Some sick perversion of me. Vikki had done it and now again. Every sultry message like the embodiment of my lies before me.

Just three days after my first sexual encounter with this woman, I decided to end it. I'm just not that kind of guy. I like the mystery, the courtship. I want to date a girl. I'm not even that interested in sex! Every time we finished one of our sessions, I came away feeling dirty. Like scum. And knowing the only way I was in this situation was through lying, it made it even worse. I know it's cliche, but it really was me and not her. I know she wanted more. I knew I could never have it. To be so cruel, she wasn't even my type. I guess I'm just a jerk.

Online Hang-ups

It's a common misconception that the internet is linking us together in these high-tech times. For me, it couldn't be farther from the truth. It's a horrible place for people like me. People who don't necessarily fit into social groups in real life, who are smart and have a way with words. Who are so desperate for everyone to like them and to be what everyone wants them to be, that they'll use the internet as just another mask behind which to hide. That's me.

In real life, girls won't take a second look at me. People won't take a second look at me. It's not because I'm not charming or good looking, but almost as if they can sense it. As if some lingering stench surrounds me. Only a select few seem to move past the outer layer of me, into a place where few people have seen. It's been there all my life. Bullied from a young age, everyone seems to think they can have a piece of me. Even now, with people my own age. No matter how I act - confident or shy, serious or annoying, caring or indifferent - people either don't take me seriously, attack me or let me down. I've never even been on a date.

But online, no one can seem my face. No one can see me. I'm the master of masks and this is my greatest. I can use words and humour and pick any girl I want. I even managed to score myself an online girlfriend, which is further than I ever got in real life. I can be 18 or 20 or 22. I can be the magazine photographer or the apartment-dwelling bachelor. I can be six foot and have perfect hair. I can be what I know people want to hear. What will get me... What will it get me?

I don't seem to know what my end-game is. I certainly won't be in a physical relationship with any one of these people. They won't be sending me nude pictures and sexy texts. We'll never be best friends. And yet I mascaraed around like we will. I try to fit into their view and be what will get them to love me. So I'll be their best friend. But it's not me. It's never me. It's my mask. The real me is all alone, hidden out of view crying. Wondering why he even has to do this to himself. Why he can't be himself. Alone. And yet every girl I meet online I become older and manlier. The mere prospect of beginning an acquaintance with someone as me is terrifying. I guess deep down, I'm hoping against hope that someone will truly see the inner me and love him. That one of these beautiful people online will magically come out and be my best friend. But that's never going to happen. All that's going to happen is the fact I know that not only am I never going to be friends with these people in real life or online in any capacity I'd like, but that the person they're friends with isn't really me in any case!

Thank goodness Andy hasn't asked me my age yet. So far I've been getting into bars with him without being asked for my ID. I'm old enough, but he's nearly 30 and I don't think he knows just how young I am. Even my own body hides me. I'm so young and yet I can pass for someone in their late twenties. Just another way to hide.

I'm the master of masks.

New Beginnings

As the saying goes, in every life there's a time for a reaping and a sowing. And for me, the fronds of my life are just beginning to sprout again, up from the ashes. Looking back over these months of blog posts, I thought I saw a life being undone. Now I see that it is a life being reborn. A time of finding my way, my place, my voice and my heart. Of seeing people fall away and of seeing people rise. From my grandmother's death I was able to start a career. From the losses of my love and my friends, I was able to achieve perspective. Whatever the case, this time in my life has not destroyed me, but left me experienced - somewhat more than I would've enjoyed - but experienced all the same. Reborn from the fire to face it all over again.

You know of my troubles with family and love and life. My time at art school finished with a bang of a similar fashion. It was mostly my fault of course; never seeing the outcome of my lies or actions until they're gone and I'm wishing there was an "undo" button. I asked a girl out, as far as I knew it was for a date, and we went to the cinema. Only there did I find out she had a boyfriend. I flowed with it all the same and when I was asked by my art tutor the next day how my date went, I said it went brilliantly, not naming names. However harmless the lie, time and again I find out that full honesty is the best medicine, no matter how horrible. Had I not shared this lie in the presence of another student, I may still be at art school today. But this was not an ordinary student.

Since I started at the art school, one student, Rick, had had it out for me for no reason at all. My presence annoyed him in his words. As he was a cruel, pot-smoking douche which everyone seemed to like, I tried my best to avoid him as much as possible. But it just so happened Rick was in the carpool on the way to school when I divulged my status-increasing lie to my tutor. So far, so good. Rick looked suspicious, but I felt that my lie went down well and that I'd gotten away with it. But little did I know that it was only the beginning of a chain of events which would lead to a terrible conclusion.

The girl I asked out was a friend of a friend, who I hung out with at school. When that friend texted me about why I hadn't been going to school as much lately, I joked around that I was dying. Hilarious to me. Less so to my friend. Somehow this got around to the girl I went to the movies with and from there, somehow Rick found out about it and then also that I never went on a "date". The car ride to school the next day, to say the least, was tense. Rick claimed that my date was a sham and that I should stop texting the girls. Little did I know that Rick had (at least in my eyes) either a crush on the girl I went to the cinema with and/or a vendetta against me. I passed it off and said that I dated several people, none of which he knew, and that it was none of his business. Luckily my fellow carpoolers bought the story and defended me. I came close to punching Rick that day; in fact I did try and trip him up on the stairs after I found out that the two girls had completely snubbed me and were gossiping. Rick threatened to kill me and I haven't been back since because quite frankly, I know I'll do the prick over and I've spent too long being a good person for him to mess it up.

So you see, once again lies have given me a valuable lesson. A lie to make myself seem more impressive and a joke which was in bad taste. Harmless. To everyone but myself. Time and again the consequences have proven this to me. I'll admit, I was unlucky to tell a lie while in the presence of the one person willing to doggedly disprove it just for the hell of it, but in any case, not telling it in the first place would've saved me a lot of heart ache. So you see, although many things change, some things never seem to. I never seem to learn from these lessons. I always seem to think I'm too smart to get caught lying. Too cunning. In the end I guess I'm not.

The reason I came on tonight was because another of my best friends online simply deleted me and made sure I could never contact him again for nothing more than messaging him and "not leaving him alone". I'll admit, I'm upset. He'd been my friend for more than a year and we'd had some good times together. I just guess that people don't see the world the way I do. I'm loyal and if I have a problem with you, I'll tell you instead of simply cutting you off. I'll be emotionally intuitive. I'll care. As my parents always tell me, the world just doesn't think like that. But in this time of new growth, it doesn't register as a strike against my heart, but as a new leaf of experience for me to grow from. Even as I write, the hurt is going. Probably because I also know that just a new experience comes, so do new friends. Enter Andy.

I spent a solid month lapping up any work I could get my hands on via the local student job search. On one such job I met Andy. We clicked immediately and although he doesn't contact me before I contact him, he seems like a good soul with a good head. Just as my view of people was waning, I find someone who is decent. Someone who doesn't act like a schoolboy, as with Rick or my other friends. Someone who is mature. Thankfully he hasn't asked my age, because if he had when I first met him I'd have probably told him a lie, and I've had too many relationships begin on a lie. It's not that I want to lie. It's just that it's safe within this shell. This mask where I can be whatever you want me to be. Where people take you seriously and don't dismiss you on age or who you date or what you do.

But wear my mask I still do. I'm even lying to my extended family now. After my grandmother died, I was able to acquire a professional camera from her estate. Although I'd rather have my grandmother, it seems almost a gift from her to me so I can have a career. But before long, I just have to taint it. I'm already saying that I've gotten a job at a magazine to my family, friends and even strangers, when the reality is that I haven't even sent in my portfolio. Every time I tell a lie it makes me feel that bit more distant from others.

This new beginning is too brilliant to taint with my lies. It shouldn't just be a new chance to put on new masks to make me feel secure. Maybe I've been burnt again and again to realize that I'm meant to. Maybe I'm not supposed to cover my vulnerability with these masks. Maybe this new chance is just that. A new chance. A chance to feel life as myself, the only version of me I'll ever be. But it's baby steps right now. It's hard to break the habit of a lifetime. I'm still just poking my head through the dirt.

Ghosts Of Years Gone By

I've come to this point in my life where I find myself looking back on my life more and more with each passing day. That point on the proverbial mountain we are all climbing, far short of the peak and yet so far from the ground, when we take a break and look back behind us on how high we've climbed. Some of us may look back on that rambling trail which leads us to this point and regret walking it. Others may see happy times filled with friends and family. I look back and see what's gone. 

Every decision we make, every second, leading directly to this one specific place and time. If anything was different, my current reality might be radically different from the one I am living. A sentence said, or not said, could have an everlasting impact on our lives and I grow so very sad thinking of all the small things that have passed in my life, because they're not small at all. Like a bridge with so much water flowing beneath it, I can feel the toll of time taking its' price on me already. The people I have met and lost, the friendships and the loves. The places I miss and the memories I may have forgotten.

These things which have shaped me, and yet I am so high I have forgotten their touch. I feel alone sometimes, on this mountain, and looking back on everything I've left behind only intensifies this feeling inside me. On my mind lately has been my friend who committed suicide last year. Did she too look back on her life before she did it? Did she stop too on that mountainside and decide the peak was too far and the weight of her past was too great to continue?

What will really matter when we reach the top of that mountain? What will that trail behind my back whisper to me? So I sit, looking deep into it, reliving the past to hold onto what's dear. What's shaped me this far. When I sit back down in ten or twenty years, I wonder what that trail will say. Whatever it chooses, I hope I know, so I won't look back and regret.

Lessons

Today I got my first driving lesson. I don't have any sort of license, but that 20 metre crawl from one end of the street to the other was the best rush I've had in many moons. With Dad in the front seat and my Mum laughing hysterically at my nerves in the back, I began my adventure into the world of motoring. From its' tentative beginning to the jerky end, it was one of the first times I've really felt close to my Dad. Don't get me wrong, we spend lots of time together, but sometimes we're like two different people from two different families, with different interests and different personalities and it makes communication difficult. But today, having him coach me through this simple little lesson was a great feeling.

I guess there are lessons in life all the time. At the moment, I'm finding it pretty hard to decipher what my purpose, my lesson, is on this earth of late. I've just been resting it up at home, drifting from bed to the computer to the office and back to bed, with a bit of the outside world thrown in once a week. Life goes on endlessly without me and I can seemingly go on endlessly without it within these four walls. So what is the point? Life gets you hurt and burnt and hardened. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger they say. Why are they the only two options? Why can't life be a pleasant experience which bends to your will? 

And yet I'm drawn deeply to life. I can feel it at the window like a playful kid, beckoning me to come outside and dance. And dance I shall, but what is this purpose of mine? The reason I must go outside into this stream? There's something I'm missing here and I want to know what it is - like a fire I yearn for and yet are unwilling to touch. And until I do, I guess life goes on, with or without me and I'll continue to get these lessons, whether I want them or not. I guess we all just need to find our purpose on this small rock we call earth.

And so I look out and stare at the dancing child before turning away into this vacuum of life and decide to leave those lessons for another day.

Back Inside My Mask

My spirits high, my outlook bright - the last thing I thought was that I'd put my mask back on after being released from its' prison for so long. But back the mask is regardless. I've found myself lying again to those I encounter; I can't even tell co-workers where I study anymore or a girl how old I really am. I just lie my pants off. I guess the whole ordeal with Vikki really has dented my self-confidence again, and what better way to protect myself than through this iron mask which I place over my face.

I guess I should know better than to lie. Lying has gotten me into all kinds of trouble in the recent past, and will probably continue to do so if I don't stop. My problem is that I think no one will find out my lie. If I lie about my age, or where I study, or an imaginary date, I think I can manipulate the situation and keep my story real and living. But the reality is that if the truth doesn't come out one way or another, I still lose because every time I don't reveal my true self to someone I meet, I feel just that bit more alone.

But what other way do I know to protect myself? I seem to do it without even thinking and examine the consequences later. I guess deep down, I have some sort of justification where it's okay to keep myself hidden from the world. Like my idol Batman, I live two lives: One which only I know and the other the mask which I parade around like some jester. 

But somehow, this time it feels different. Last time I was inside my mask, I didn't know which was the real me, the mask or the person wearing it. And yet now, I know that the mask is not me at all. I recognize it and can own it. I manipulate this mask to whatever I want, while still knowing myself inside. I can hardly see how this makes things better. Before I was misguided and I did not know myself. Now? I know myself but I still use this mask to hide my true nature for some reason? Am I just a liar at heart?

Whatever the case, my lies still grow and fester like the plague on my skin. Maybe this mask isn't the one I grew up with. It feels new and foreboding. Maybe this mask isn't meant to protect me at all; maybe it's just a liar's mask. Maybe I should know better.

The Bitch Is Dead

Sorry. I don't like swearing, but I couldn't think of a more fitting title - and may I warn you, ranting may follow as I let out all the anger I've been holding in for the last 6 months... Well, you can all rest assured I'm not going to be wasting my money on anything but Batman comics - far from the hundred of dollars I'd be wasting on a pointless trip to try and win Vikki back. The last few weeks have been painful for me, an all too familiar roller-coaster of feeling great and worse. But tonight has been the worst. Imagine my surprise when I check my emails for that usual "No new messages!" sign, but instead find a message from Vikki. Hence the bitch reference.

Well, I want nothing more to do with that girl. For everything I did for her, for every night I cried over her for, to find such a cold, heartless email really broke my heart in a way, and yet released it in another. For starters, she couldn't even care enough to stop using "text speak" in her break up letter - although again, she didn't actually say we were broken up in that concise way. I guess it's her way of thinking she's not a bitch without a heart.

In regard to my pleas for us to talk or at least say goodbye, she goes on to say "u'v written alot over the time we actutally havent spoken so i dont think there is much left to say". Well sorry I gave a shit about your feelings at all and wanted to break up like a normal person instead of inevitably hating your guts like I do now. In regard to me questioning why she hasn't replied to my emails under her pretense of "my internet is broken" when her brother has been online several times, she says "yeh sure my bro has prob been on...i wouldnt no, iv moved out and am living with a mate from work." Translation: "I'm not even attempting to hide my lack of caring now and oh yeah, my mate is actually some fuck buddy which was more convenient than spending time with you just because you wanted to try".

The kicker was "u'v talked about moving on and i believe this is something u must do!!". Translation: "Dude, stop bugging me, I'm banging some new guy - why are you incapable of being as heartless as me??" Well I guess all this amounts to, in her special way, of Vikki saying goodbye once and for all. Fuck her. Really, fuck her. I'm a nice guy. I would've done anything for her. I did everything I could for her. I treated her nicely and I put up with her flaws just as she did mine. Fuck, I even shared my deepest thoughts with her and left myself vulnerable and defenseless. And now she treats me like this? Not even good enough to consider talking to. I thought only guys sent "Dear John" letters via email and texts?

And the saddest part is, it's all starting to fade away. I've forgotten her voice, her giggle, what we used to do together, why it all ended, how it all started. Everything. It's like she never even existed. And that's probably how it should be. But I swear, that girl really did take 20 years off my life. Seriously, if I'm ever like that to another human being, when I love them and leave them and then act like they don't exist, I want you to find me and put me down. Just shoot me. Really. She didn't act with one ounce of integrity or compassion. If she had wanted to talk to say goodbye or for me to put her out of her misery, I'd have done it in a heart beat.

But you know what? That's never happened to me. All my relationships have been one-sided. I've never had a girl ever say to me "Let's just talk" or a friend say they really needed to repair things and me to then say say no. I'm always hospitable. I'm always thinking of others. I guess I really did have the wool pulled over my eyes with this one. What an immature, cold-hearted bitch Vikki turned out to be. I guess I'm going to save my heart and love for someone who deserves it and really is going to cherish it.

Well, this goes out to everyone who I ever whined to about my troubles and asked for advice from or cried to: Thank you. You know who you are. From America to Britain, to Australia to closer to home, people know about my crisis and some have been helpful, some not so helpful, but I just wanted to say, you never have to listen to me bitch about Vikki or all that shit ever again. I'm putting it to bed. I'm sure there'll be some sighs of relief heard throughout the world. 

But out of everyone, and I know she'll never be reading this, my biggest thanks goes to my mum. A week ago we had this big fight about how I could never talk to her about Vikki without her getting angry at me for being so sad. And then the next day she really tried and listened to me, without judgement, without comment - she just listened and it meant the world. I don't think I'd have taken today so well without her. So to you mum, I love you. Okay, Oscar ceremony over.

I'm sorry, I really don't know if anything I'm writing is making sense. It's just emotion and a kind of giddy high which I'm suppressing for now, about this sense of closure which I've gotten. It's over. It's really over. This huge chapter in my life. Closed. From learning to love, learning to be a good boyfriend, learning what not to do and about moving on. Eventually. Maybe a bit more experience than I really wanted, but heck, at least it's filled a few blog pages and hopefully gave some more insight to those readers out there, as well as a few nuggets of knowledge to mull over for myself. Here's a tip - don't get involved over the internet and don't give your heart away to a person who can't even say I love you in front of their brother and that can't meet you in case you bludgeon them to death like a psychic told them would happen. It's just not going to work.

So what now? I guess I'm a slightly-above attractive looking guy with a personality to make up for any physical impairments. I've got humour and wit, intelligence and compassion, empathy and kindness. I'm creative and honest and reliable and incredibly loyal. Shit, if I can't find anybody maybe there is a higher power up there working against me. But for now, I want to make sure this crazy Spawn Man which surfaced after Vikki left, never shows its' face again. I've got a lot to work on - the jealousy needs to go; I need to be more forgiving and laid back; and I certainly need to be more confident. And I've kinda let myself go a tad over the past few months - some exercise should be in order.

Well readers, how do I summarize this up? Such a massive brain wave of finality has finally hit me and there's not taking this one back. It's, as they would say, the final straw which broke the camel's back. It took a while, but I have finally realized who I really got into bed with and that she didn't really appreciate me or our relationship. Vikki was too immature, and ever though she was older than me in body, her spirit has a long road ahead. I think what's annoyed me the most is that my spirit was ready to go and was forced to stop because Vikki's wasn't ready. I feel like I've been preparing my whole life for marriage and now I just wanna freakin' get in there and start and do what I want to do. It's like peaking 3 years before the Olympics. But for now, I guess it's time to collect the pieces of my heart, my dignity and dust myself off - just get back into life and then back into love.

After this post, I don't think you'll ever read Vikki's name again on this blog. I'm sick of seeing how many megabytes of pain she's taken up on here. I've binged on her for the last 6 months. I think it's high time I made like a bulimic and purged into a toilet somewhere.

Rest in peace bitch.

Plan And Act

Vikki is on my mind now and I can't shake her off. I look at my poor, frail little hand and I can only imagine her holding it. I try to think of another girl and they just don't compare. I only want her. I have to speak to her, face to face. Even if it's only to be rejected. And so, I've come up with a plan. I'm going to fly to her country and meet her. I don't know where she lives now and I have no idea where I'd start, but I need to do this.

University finishes in a few weeks and I've got the money, but my parents will never let me go. I've got the money just sitting there for what? For a house? A life? This is my life! I need to find out if Vikki still feels for me and God dammit, I'm going to fight for her. It's going to cost over $500 to get there, and I don't know what's going to happen with passports, accommodation and food, but I know this is never going to end until I meet her.

I don't know what else to do. She's on my mind. I can't breathe again and I crave her. But this is a turning point in my life. I need to fight for my life and Vikki is the one I'm meant to be with. Even if I go over and she rejects me flat-out, it'd still be worth it. Even if it's just as a funny story and anecdote for my life when I find someone else.

But I can't keep having these dreams of touching her, meeting her, hugging her and waking up knowing it's not real. This ends here. It'll take me about a month to make the money back up, but I know I can. Nothing else is happening in my life and this is far more important.

This is for love and when I told Vikki I'd cross the earth for her, I meant it.

Now where do I start?

I Hate Dreams

All that email-sending to Vikki last night must have triggered either some fantasy or true feelings deep down in my core, because all I dreamt about last night was her. In my dream she came over to my country with her family and asked if we should start again. And I took her back in a heart beat. It was like it was real. She was there. I touched her thigh. I took her on a date. We tried our best to fix things. We hugged. Everything was perfect. And that was the worst.

Because there was that horrible few moments after you wake up where this alternate reality seems real. For a split second, you think everything is right with the world and that your true feelings have been realized. And then you realize it's a just a dream. Just a dream. I've cried all morning. I have this regret and I can't do anything about it. Vikki doesn't want to help me. I try my best to suppress this feeling of love for her, but it's there all the same. I'm flailing.

I guess school has brought up all this feeling again; when I was preoccupied and busy and felt like I was needed somewhere, Vikki didn't even register in my thoughts. But now, school is gone. The stress was killing me. Now the most I have to look forward to is a new video game or a movie or a girl which I hope will come in my future to save me from this nightmare. And really it's a nightmare. Those dreams from which I wake and cry are the harpies. They tear the flesh from my bones and leave me begging to a God I no longer believe in. I have no one left to save me any more.

Reader. If anyone ever reads this. I have regrets and I feel like dying. Like pulling my eyes out so I never have to see this world again. For me, please do not have regrets. If someone loves you and you love them, don't wait. Life is too short. If you love someone and they don't know it, tell them. Be happy. I can't seem to be happy no matter what I do. So for God's sake reader, do it for me. If this blog - if my insane and dumb writing - does anything, I hope it tells you to not make mistakes. Even if you're hurting, if you love someone and never want to leave them, keep them safe in your arms forever. Don't do what I did.

Be happy for me.

Deep Down

Well it's been a long time, no type. And you'd think with this much time, things would be better. To admit the truth, things are significantly better. I went through a period of almost a month of not missing, thinking about or talking about Vikki. I was focussed on my studies and enjoying life in general. That is until the last few days, culminating in the email I sent her tonight. From deep down I can feel those feelings trying to crawl back up from where ever I've tried to bury them, like a burp rising in your throat. Sometimes I've pulled them out and studied them before flushing it back down, but tonight I had to appease the demon and write down what it wanted me to. But I'm getting ahead of myself. It all started at school.

You'd think at a university, people would be civilized. They're not. It's just like high school and every other traumatizing education facility you can think of or have attended. People bitch. People moan. People are pricks and dicks and mean. The girls are taken and the guys don't like you. The teachers can be dumb and you hate working. None of this was a problem until a few of the people I study with started getting stressed about deadlines. This of course leads to being snippy and being snippy leads to them taking it out on me. Why on me you ask? Because I'm a nice guy. I'm professional and I take their venting and I go for a run to burn off steam, when I actually really wish I could rip into them and tear their world apart.

And really, I could. I sit back and observe as I always have. I pick up on their ways, their ticks and their fears. I probably know stuff about them they aren't even aware of. Secret crushes, thoughts and behaviours. But I know it takes a lot to be good on this earth; It'd be so easy to let them have a piece of my mind and be mean and bad just like they are. But I won't.

None of these encounters have been a problem before really. But with their frequency increasing of late, I can't help but pine for Vikki in my own way. I mean, no matter which asshole attacked me or what was said about me, I knew that out of everyone, there was one person who loved me just the way I was and could make me feel better. A person I could retreat to and just delve into to forget my problems. And now that person isn't there, I have only myself to rely on. And I don't really like delving into myself lately. I never know what I might find.

I'll admit it. I still love Vikki. I always will. But I hate her too. I loathe ever meeting her. I regret ever asking her to be my girlfriend. For my first relationship, I sure did pick a winner. Now every time I think about being in love I feel this pain. I feel this anger rising up from the bowels of my heart. This lonely, cold pain. Even my fantasies are being affected. The closest I ever get to being intimate with a woman is my blankets rolled up into a girl next to me in bed. And even now when I try to cuddle it in some pathetic attempt to feel close to someone who cares, it tells me that it's just a bunch of sheets. I mean seriously! My sheets are telling me they aren't a real girl. I usually end up pushing them away in disgust.

And Vikki sits there, probably with new guy in hand, not even contemplating the number she's done on me. Well until tonight anyway. I sent her an email minus all the nice guy shit I usually throw in. I don't care any more if what I say ruins our chances - I've recognized we're not going anywhere and I need her to know what a horrible person she's been to me. How she's made me feel. It was long and it's late, so I can't remember exactly what it said, but it was me and it was the truth.

But in saying that, am I not being myself? I mean, the usual me doesn't say stuff like that. If I have a problem with someone, I'll think that stuff to myself, but I'll probably tell them I have a problem in a civilized manner or not bring it up at all if you're unlucky (those people get snubbed for all eternity). I'm trying to find this balance, but I'm struggling. Which option is best? Which is me? I mean, I know you can't go around telling people they are too fat or to fuck off or that they are assholes, but I want to also be an honest person. Or should I not say anything at all? Vikki has made me re-evaluate all the things I was so sure about.

And that's what hurts the most. The knowledge that I'm not what I used to be. When I was with her I was myself at my best. I was complete. I relied too heavily on her because now she's gone and I'm left holding pieces of my life. I was too far in fantasy land to recognize that maybe she wasn't going to stick around. Maybe people do break up.

Whatever the case, I do feel far better than the last time I wrote. I'm still struggling in my own private war, but it's a war I will win. Vikki can go take a hike because I'm done with her. She doesn't know what she's missing out on. And that's what I take with me to keep me warm at night - the knowledge that I know I'm a good person. The knowledge that I'm a gentleman who's sensitive, romantic, loyal and honest. I may not be the best looking, but I know my own skin. I'm not always so adjusted in it, but I know it well.

And then I can sleep.

Tired

I feel different some how. I'm upset now not because of what I've lost and how unfair everything is, but more because I'm just sad Vikki has chosen to leave because I love her. She's got it stuck in her mind that she cannot be in a relationship until she is ready. But what she doesn't get is that when she is ready is only up to her, not some random sign from the heavens. Until she gets that she'll just be stuck in this limbo forever. And it's a real shame - she wants to be with me and I with her, but it'll never be until she understands she's the master of her own universe.

I think it's pretty near to me having met her exactly 1 year ago. I want to be able to celebrate this with someone. I want to be in a relationship with her. It's so frustrating because she's not just messing around with her life, but mine too. She never gave me a choice or say in anything that's happened and there's no way I can fix anything. If she wanted to be a good girlfriend, then all she needed to do was do that. It's hilarious because she didn't know how simple being a good girlfriend was and yet she left because she didn't know how.

I never asked her to be perfect. I never said we couldn't work on these problems together. I certainly am not perfect. It's just so warped I don't even know what to say any more. I must say that it is getting easier though. It really is. I'm beginning to notice myself thinking of a future without Vikki and finding someone else and how silly it all is in the end. But on the other hand, I'm also finding out how much I love her. But is it love or just my fear of not finding someone else?

Admittedly, I'm scared no one else will find me attractive. My hair isn't growing back and I can't stay wrinkle-free forever. How am I ever going to find someone I'm so attracted to, so emotionally linked to and who cares about me like she did? Someone who is willing to put up with my bullshit sometimes and someone who can get kinky or romantic with me? I'm scared, but I know it's probably possible. I just don't want to be wasting these prime years of my life. She shouldn't be either. Even if it's not with me, I just want her to be happy. It'll kill me if it isn't with me, but if I know she's happy then I really wont care.

I do not understand how anyone would want to be alone. It's so great having someone special there to tag along and know what you're going through. To have someone to trust and talk to. There's something I wanted to say, but I just can't remember it now. My thoughts are so muddled it's not even funny. I just want to hold her and kiss her. I want to show someone the love I have. Someone special and who loves me back. I wanted it be her. It should be her. I don't just throw "The One" out there, but she knew that's how I felt and she said she felt the same too.

You don't do this to the one. If they are the one, then who cares if you aren't the best at a relationship, you know they'll still be there in the end. They'll give you the space you need to fix yourself up, but don't just walk away. And if they're not the one, then she should've just told me. I'm afraid to say she's being very selfish. People who want to be with one another don't do this. And I apologize if she didn't want to get committed so early on in her life, but she knew I did and she had said the same. I love her, I really do. I know it's a big deal to plan your life with someone else in mind, but that's about being partners. It's about being one.

Why can't two people be in love and end up together? God gives love to schmucks and assholes, and he can't give a break to someone who would cherish a woman forever. Someone who believes in true love. It all just blows my mind. It's bullshit really. I just wish Vikki would at least see it's her choice, not anybody else's. Not some sign or magical signal that she's ready. No one is ready. I just want to know if we'll be together when she's ready, if she'll ever be ready or if not. If not, I can just move on. It'll break my heart, but I know it's for the best.

I dunno, I've just been saying the same things to myself every night before bed and whenever I'm feeling down or unsure: "I am a good person", "I am desirable", "There is a life after Vikki", "I will find someone else", "I am a good boyfriend" and "Everything is going to be okay". I hate being positive about myself because I hate big-heads. But I know it's true. I know I'm a good person and if I can fake it until I make it, then I'll be a positive person in no time. As soon as I've finished telling myself that I always feel so much better.

Everyone I've told my sob story to thinks I'm a catch and that Vikki doesn't know what she's missing out on. But the thing is, I'm not vindictive like that - I still love her so very much. And to tell the truth, and I know I shouldn't be putting myself down, but I don't think I'm that big a catch. I know I'm an excellent boyfriend, but I'm not the hottest guy and I'm certainly not the most bullet-proof either. And I know that if anyone else went through what I did with Vikki they'd never date her, but I can't help but be madly in love with her.

I feel like I'm going off track now, but I just miss her and I want to know if I should stay or go. I'm just sick of talking about it. I just want to fly to Australia and pick Vikki up and love her. Show her that we don't need to be alone and that problems don't matter. But this is no romance movie. This is real life and in real life shit happens.

I just really hope I can tell my kids about this one day. Whether they're Vikki's or someone else's, I do not know. I just hope I have some so all this crying and pain isn't in vain.

What To Do

Well I feel a tiny bit better. The feelings of suicide and ending it all have passed - I think it was just the shock of finding out Vikki could be so cold that really threw me. What's the most disappointing now is my phone counselor - she tries her best but she hasn't given me any tools to help deal with things or change my life. And worst yet, I can only talk for an hour before she begins to wind things up. It just highlights the fact I need to talk to my parents now - they can be there to help me and they don't have a time limit. My mum made an effort last night to talk to me and not get angry, but it'll take a while to get things where I need them to be.

So now what? I just wait for Vikki to reply and grace me with her presence? I can't seem to move on without getting closure from her and I just want to do it by myself. But to tell the truth, I'm still madly in love with her and I know I'm a fool. But what do I do now? I feel like one of those girls sitting by the phone waiting for a date to ring, only wait all day for nothing. A day wasted. But in this case, it's been two months and not a day. Why can't she just be nice and do something which will help me unimaginably? I've had so much to say and ask which you only can when the person is there.

The thought of her and that asshole Tracy spending time together for hours when she knew I wanted to talk to her is just so hard to get over. It's just so inconsiderate. I cannot believe the saying "You reap what you sow". The way I get treated sometimes it's like I'm the worst person in the world. I was ever considerate of Vikki's feelings and would talk when she wanted to at the drop of a hat. If she was down I'd go and pick her up and if she was lonely I'd go and spend time with her. If someone picked on her, I stood up for her and stopped talking to the person. She never did that. And now she not only spends time with that person for hours, but completely drops me when I need to talk, feeling lonely and hurt and betrayed.

Why do I still love her? Why can't I move on? Why do I need closure so much? I just really hope that Vikki shows some compassion and just talks to me. That's all I want. I only ever wanted her to be happy because I love her, and yet if she loved me, surely she'd want the same? I'm clearly unhappy and yet she still avoids me. Love doesn't end when the relationship ends. You always love people in one form or another. Even a stranger on the street I feel love for and would console if they felt sad. And yet, I'm not even a stranger to her any more. It's just so... rejected. I really do not think she gets it at all. Maybe I was too nice being so considerate. I could've been cruel and told her when she wanted to take a break that we were over and that she meant nothing to me. I could've been a guy who hurt her. But I wasn't.

The most important thing now is that I don't want to become this pain I feel. I hope I can get through this. Well, so because my counselor couldn't help, I guess I'll need to come up with a plan. I want to be that happy and outgoing, happening guy which I was when I was with Vikki. I'd treat people with respect and care about things. I'd feel like I was worth something. I had goals and dreams that did not just include Vikki. I'd laugh and smile. I miss that guy. So what's the plan? To be honest, all I can think about is just getting a reply from Vikki and making it through until then. If I have to send her an email every day, I will. I don't care if I sound crazy - I need closure and I need to talk. It's my life and God damn it I want it to be good again.

It's Started Again

It's 7:30 am and it's started again. I didn't even get a good sleep. Not only did I have dreams about Vikki betraying me, but it also threw Laura in there too, just to make sure I woke up remembering all the betrayals of yesterday. I do not know what to do. I've got 12 hours before I can talk to anyone who knows what I'm going through. I know I'll be checking messages and my emails to see if she's sent me anything, and she wont have. Then the thoughts will just be bouncing around in my head until I speak to my counselor. And even then I suspect I'll be fine for a day, until Vikki either replies with something I don't expect or doesn't reply at all. Then it'll start all over again.

I'm shivering all over and I cannot do anything but get up and walk to random edges of the room and look blankly into an object. I'm losing it. It's taking all of me to write this and I feel like such a loser. There's this part of my which cannot do anything to untangle itself from this mess - this part might as well be all of me. Then there's this other part watching it all unfold, helpless to do anything. What if I'm already insane and I don't know it. Great, now I'll never find anyone. And why am I so obsessed with finding someone? What the fuck is wrong with me?! I just want to do what normal people do. I want a girlfriend who just says "Fuck you, I don't love you anymore". And when that happens, I want to just be the guy who goes out on the town with a few mates and comes back refreshed.

But no, I'm not like that. I cannot understand why. It is all fucked and today is already more than I can bear. If my mum wakes up and I can't fake happiness well enough, I really cannot be bothered putting up with her today also. So I've just got under 12 hours left. 12 hours until I know my thoughts are appreciated and heard by someone physical at the other end. Someone who cares. I just want someone to make it stop. I can't even breathe and Vikki is out there having a great time. It's more than I can handle. I want her to be happy. But I want her to be fair and when you've said we can't talk and everything to someone you supposedly loved, that's not fair. Not fair when you then just go and have a great time and not tell him you have time to talk. Even for 5 minutes. 

Oh my God oh my God oh my God. I cannot do this. Every second of every minute, all that I'm sad over comes rushing back in. All my mistakes, the what ifs, the regrets and sorrow from my life. I just want it to stop!

Betrayal

Today was bad, but tonight was getting better. I mean, I hadn't thought of topping myself for at least a whole 6 hours and I was feeling confident. Life, doesn't it have a sense of humour. I randomly just started looking at a site and saw to my surprise that Vikki has been online. For days. And not only that, but with Tracy! So here I am, the supposed "love of her life" and not only has she not said anything, or made any notion to talk despite my numerous attempts to (all greeted with "I'm too busy"), but she then goes and hangs out with the very guy who started the big fight which ruined us in the first place!

As soon as I saw it I felt like vomiting. I've felt like vomiting before, but never like this. I felt like crying and vomiting and slitting my wrists all with one clean motion. And I still might. I cannot do this. I'm out. I want this stupid charade to be fucking over. I poured my heart and soul into that woman and she's out without a care in the world. As I write this, I can't breathe, I can't think and I certainly cannot cope. Oh my God this is so fucking shit. And nobody fucking cares. Let's just have a fucking shit on Spawn Man day eh?

And no, it's not just her. Today an old friend - if we can even call her that - made out like she wanted to reconcile with me. Turns out she only wanted to betray me with her boyfriend. It's a long story which, unfortunately, I have time to tell. Basically, she's married (we'll call her Laura for now) and was having an online affair. She confided in me and I tried to help her. It worked for a while, then she gave up and went back to her bit on the side. I didn't like it, she took offense and she got all shitty and blocked me from contacting her. Out of the blue she sends me a message saying she's sorry and I come on tonight to sort it out. Turns out she shares her accounts with her boyfriend and they both start attacking me and rubbing in the fact they're having an affair online. And this is a woman with a husband and kids and a doctor's career!

Who finds love? Shit-heads like that. She had the looks (on the outside anyway), the career, the husband and the children. She doesn't even have to lift a finger and she can have her family. What does she do? Treats it like it means nothing to her. Squanders it. Not only that, openly flaunts the fact she's got two guys on the side all over her website. That's a cold bitch. And as for me? I try my hardest to find love and even the ones I get I can't keep. People who deserve things never get them and those who will only squander them always end up stinking of them.

So today has been hectic for me. And I'll agree, it's all online. But online isn't necessarily unreal. It's very real. There's real emotions and love and hate. Real people. You're reading my life and I'm real. You're real (hopefully). Anyone who says that things online are no big deal gets a bad mark in my books. But now I can't even enjoy myself online any more. Whether it's drama from an online girlfriend who I love, or someone I only tried to help turning on me with her boyfriend, or a group of players who betray me because they don't like the way I play, or things which remind me of all of them - it's all taking it's toll. 

I'm on a thin wire and a wind is coming. I can feel my life just hanging there, just wishing it can make it across before the next gust. These last few days I've never felt so alone. I haven't eaten or spoken in the last few days and my parents still do not even sense the real danger I'm in. And yet I can't tell them. All I can think about is just how I'm going to kill myself, who'd turn up to my funeral, if anyone would even care. About how my death would affect anyone, if I'd be tormented by having to watch Vikki continue on with her life or if my parents would cope. If I'd be scared after I'd done it and wish someone would save me, only to find my parents were watching television or something. Or if there'd just be a big black nothing and that it really was worth sticking around to at least make some contribution even if I was miserable. Maybe I should go out with a blaze and take out my bitch of a grandmother and cunt of an uncle with me. Or maybe I should just disappear and never be found.

Never before have I felt like this. So utterly betrayed and unloved. I'll admit, I was a bit weird sometimes in our relationship or go upset at odd things, but I was always reasonable and always tried my best. I knew when I'd done wrong and apologized. I knew when to comfort Vikki and when to support her. I bought her expensive gifts and returned them because she didn't wear earrings. So I'd buy her necklaces instead. I offered my home, my money and my heart to her. I never asked for it back. I did all this and yet I'm not even worth talking to. Not even a piece of shit on everyone's shoe. I'm praying for someone to just stand up and stop this film and go "Hey, this isn't fair!". But it's no film. There's no rewind or pause. There's a play and if I choose, a stop. The question is: Is the film going to get better?

Is the film going to give the guy a break? Is his life going to get better? Or is everything just going to spin out of control? All I know is that I want my parents to get out of the house and me and a bottle of strong alcohol are going to get acquainted. I don't even care which one - I've never been a drinker and even the smallest bit gets me tipsy. All I want is the one which will make me forget the most. The one which will be my friend and do something no one else can do - just stop this. And I mean, being upset at night I can cope with usually. But I'm waking up sad. It's like the sleep was just a short break in the nightmare and now I have a whole day ahead to endure. Another day of not being able to breathe. Another day of finding out just how much I'm unloved.

I just hope I make it until 7pm tomorrow. That's when my counselor's shift begins and I have someone I can talk to other than this stupid blog. And it really is stupid. A record of my stupid life for all to see. I hope you're all entertained. I hope God, you big fat fuck sitting in your angel-covered shit, I hope you're entertained. I'm sick of believing in someone just because we're all too scared to admit that there's nothing else out there. We all go to die in a cold fucking place and there's no afterlife. Just black and nothing. If there was a heaven then it'd pick me up now because everyone knows I've never done a bad deed in my entire life worthy of any of this and I don't want to have to commit suicide. I just want this to stop. 

The worst I've ever done is eat a chocolate in a store when I was a toddler and write my name on a wall at work and school. I've sworn at my parents and I've been a pain sometimes, but they know they wouldn't swap me for anyone else. I don't stay out, I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, have sex (God knows I try), I bring home good grades and I can socialize with the ability of more than a pea. So in the best humour I can muster at this moment - What gives? Why the fuck can't I just get a break? Okay, she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she's busy at work and everything. But do I need to know she's online and hanging out with the people who broke the camel's back? Do I really need to know that I'm that fucking unloved that the person I gave my heart and soul to really doesn't give a fucking shit whether I have a heart attack from all the stress or not? Do I really?!

Look do whatever. I don't know who that's directed at, but it can apply to everyone. Everyone can go get fucked. God, you can for obvious reasons. You want to smite me with your high and mighty powers? Fucking do it big guy! You useless sack of shit! At least make someone happy and fucking kill me right now. You readers. Do whatever the hell you want. Want to continue reading this fucking shit? Be my guest. You want to leave? Go ahead. I really do not care. Vikki? Well you can do whatever too! We've all got free choice here and you've chosen door number three - being an uncaring cow who seemingly cares more for just about everyone other than me. Congrats, you get the new car! As for me - you can do whatever too. All those rules which you spent your life making to make you a good person? A good, deserving person? Well all that is bullshit because it gets you nowhere buddy! As of now, the rules are off and you are free. Go drink and get fucked up because while you're at it, flip a coin and if it's heads, you get to to slit your wrists and if it's tails, find some long-worded drug and swallow the whole box.

As for everyone else? You can kiss my ass. Maybe my problems aren't as big as others'. But I don't give a shit. Keep the orphans in Africa speech for someone who hasn't hit rock bottom. All my life I've been bullied by people who don't care. Sometimes I don't think my parents care. The woman which showed me unconditional love and to which I gave my heart. She doesn't care. I'm always last to get picked. Always the overlooked one and the hated one. The guy which treats all the girls with respect and they take out the bad boy anyway. The guy who sits and wonders how people can have meaningless sex and can squander away a family and love like it means nothing. The kid who will always stick up for you against bullies, but is always left to stand up for himself when they turn on him. The guy who trusts and gets burnt and still wants to be loyal to you. The guy who is me.

I'm that guy. But no more. I'm sick of this fucking guy.

Breathless

Today has been so very hard for me already. From the moment I woke up I've felt this pain in my heart, thinking of Vikki. I can hardly breathe and my lungs feel heavy. The more I've thought about it, the worst it's gotten. No one to talk to with my councillor off duty and no friends or family to confide in, it's been me alone who's had to bear this burden. This cross I bear on my shoulders every day. No one to care enough. And me not giving them the chance to. I can't take this pain any longer. Not knowing what to do or how to fix it. The frustration at not being able to change a damn thing. This marathon I must run every day. I'm sick of running it. Over and over every day. The other runners streaking ahead while I flail helplessly at the back. And just before I finish I'm transported back to the start again.

There must be something I can do or change to feel happy again. Vikki doesn't want to be in a relationship. There's nothing I can do. She obviously cares nothing for my feelings. Nothing I can do there either. Will I ever find love again or be happy? I don't know. Everything out of my hands. I want control! I need the control of my life again!

Even I don't know what I want any more. I just wish I could go back in time and just say "I don't care if you hang out with Dick and Tracy". It would hurt me unbelievably, but maybe if we grew closer together down the road she'd listen to me more later and see it was hurting me. Anything would be better than this. I thought I was out of this rut. This all consuming hole which feeds and feeds on me until I'm nothing but a skeleton stripped bare. Nothing but a shell with tendons and hurt dripping from my flayed flesh. No one cares to help and no one knows to. The person I trusted the most has turned away and I'm left feeling hurt, alone and played. Does anyone care out there? I'm sick of this stupid life. I haven't talked to anyone in days and still they act like I'm fine. I'm sick of talking. Nothing changes. Nothing ever changes. I was alone before Vikki and alone I am again.

I look at people now and I hate them. I hate every inch of them. Their smiles, their laughs. Their love which they get and squander freely. I know how special love is and I would take care of it. But the person I thought would do the same didn't give a fuck. They just didn't care. And now I'm here. Here in this fantasy world of video games and blogs just to keep alive. Because when I'm not pouring what's left of my soul into someone's ear or computer screen, I can't breathe. I can't breathe and I can't live.

Maybe I shouldn't at all.

Once In A Sad Moon

I went for a drive with my parents around the harbour and ocean tonight. The moon sat low on the horizon and loomed bigger and bigger as it rose about the mountains. Behind the yellow hue I could see the sad face it hid. It was such a beautiful moon. It was such a sad moon. Sad because it reminded me of myself. A hollow vessel drifting along this sea of rage and sadness, giving light to others but keeping none for myself. Behind the bright yellow hue, lies a dark side to this sad moon. But no one can see it. No one but me.

As we drove around, my parents unknowing to the agony of my thoughts in the back seat, my mind drifted to Vikki once more. Everything that was promised to me is gone. All the time we spent, all the dreams, all the good moments. Gone. This drive should've been us. We should've been gazing upon that sad moon together, contemplating its loneliness and being thankful we didn't feel the same. How can someone, anyone, throw all that away just like that? I did nothing wrong to her and yet in the space of a month she has turned on my like I'm the worse possible choice in her life. And yet I can't help but wonder.

What if? What if is a damned sentence. What if things had been different? What if? I'm sick of these thoughts. They internalize in my stomach and rebound in there like naughty children. I have no escape from them - too sad to go for a walk, too angry to not. My parents are not ones I can talk to - I mean their intentions are good but we are on completely different wave-lengths. And so I've been forced to talk to some stranger.

For a while now I've been ringing a youth help line. Even if they don't come up with answers, it helps just to voice these thoughts and have someone listen. I feel so alone sometimes. My family, Vikki, my friends. Even this blog reassures me that no matter what stranger reads it, I'm completely alone in this world. At a time when my feeling are getting worse, I just want someone to be there for me. To hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay.

And really, my feelings are getting worse. Not the intensity, but their shyness. Days go by and I feel fine. Some days better than fine. But as soon as I begin to express myself or put my feelings into words like I am now, they seem to resurge forth with increased vigor. One day I'll have forgiven Vikki, but seeing her name or picture, and I'll cry for the night. I'll have a good day and one sad moon will bring out the melancholy in me. I'll not talk to anyone thinking I can handle my emotions, and then one call to a counsellor and I suddenly feel sadder than ever from the words which come spilling out. All these feelings and all these emotions. I really have stopped trying to decipher them and just let them take me over. I give up, I really do. But at the same time, I'm scared.

I don't want to become my feelings. I don't want to become an irritable man who wont let anyone love him. But how can I recover from this wound where Vikki placed her knife so deeply? And she really did. I was willing to die for her, to spend the rest of my life with her and to make her happy. And to have all that thrown back in my face. To be told basically it's not good enough and that it doesn't matter. To just be thrown aside because Vikki got a new job. It is devastating and I cannot cope. I'm happy on the outside, yet deep down I'm more distraught than magma. But worst yet, my own feelings are beginning to become unknown to me. The emotions I was once so in tune with are hiding themselves deep within me until they burst forth at the most varied moments. How can I cope with anger and rage and sadness, when even I don't know when I'm harboring them any more?

I want Vikki back so much. I love her. Maybe I'm a fool, but I am sad because she deserves to be treated right and on my life, I would've done that. All these things I want to do for my partner - flowers, gifts, love and words - and even the woman who said she loved them and me dearly, doesn't want them any more. I am at a loss. I really do give up. Coming into this I was a lovable, kind and caring young man who believed in God and love and fairness. Now I've come away Godless, cruel, twisted and torn and most wizened than I would have liked.

If I had a time machine I would've gone back and changed things. My councilor reassures me it wasn't my fault, and I do believe that all of this is Vikki's doing as she was the one who simply gave up, but now seeds of doubt have begun to creep into my mind. Maybe I'm not as lovable as I thought. Maybe all my good partner traits and love which I gave was too much? Maybe I'm too intense? And that's my fear. That even if a woman gets past my average looks, that in time she'll realize that even my personality isn't good enough and leave me like Vikki has. Every good friend that's ever left me, maybe it was me that pushed them away? Every time someone bullied me, maybe it was my fault? The arguments I have with my parents, maybe I'm just a bad son? Maybe I'm too blame for everything - they say to take responsibility, but is this too much?

Deep down, a part of me knows this isn't true. But another also tells me it is. And tonight, no one is here to tell me that I'm not to blame for everything. That I was a good boyfriend and a good son and a good person. No one is here because I'm alone as I always am. Maybe it'd just be better if I removed myself from this wretched life if it's all my fault. Why should I just wait around for me to just force away another person, or think that I have? What happens when the next girl finds out I'm damaged goods. I cry out that I'm not! But do I really believe myself?

And out there in the cold night is the sad moon. Look at me it screams out to the people watching it. Every fake smile and every grimace leaves it feeling further from home. Leaves it feeling more alone than before. And yet it shines on, deciding whether to just set into the starry night for good or continue this charade. This charade of not knowing it's feelings. Of not knowing if it's to blame. Of not being able to cope. Of being taken for granted and unappreciated. Of feeling helpless and stuck in a hole that's closing on him. I can't struggle with these feelings forever. Eventually one will destroy the other. Do I let my emotions take over or do I find some way to force them out? Every day that passes I can feel myself slipping. More and more into a coma. So deep that I will not even be aware when it's all too late for me.

I stare out at that sad yellow moon resting on the horizon and wonder if somewhere out there, Vikki is looking at that same sad yellow moon and thinking of me. And then I think better...

Dreams

I had such a vivid dream of Vikki last night. I woke up pretty sad as you do when you realize it is only a dream. We were making love and it was just really nice. And it's funny because I never have sex dreams - in fact I categorically always wake up before the damn dream can get to the business. But no, it just had to let me know what I was missing out on in my dream this time. Just to torture me.

I really can't be bothered with the whole thing any more, yet I can't seem to shake this underlying sense of rage and pain. Every time I want to do something I always procrastinate it and get angry. All the stuff I had dreamed of doing once Vikki was gone, to make myself happy, is now on the back burner. I want to do things, but something inside me holds me back. I can't quite tell what's going on but I hope to ride it out. Before it's too late.

Well, my birthday came and went. No notes from my family. I've either been disowned or forgotten by everyone but my parents. Even random people off the internet sent me more birthday greetings than my estranged relatives. One lone card from my parents sits on the mantel piece, but to be honest, it's all I need. They really did treat me to a wonderful day and I hope to make them proud by being the man I should be as I grow older.

And I am proud of myself. I am a good guy. I hate to blow my own horn, but no one else seems to want to. Vikki was damn lucky to have me and it really irks me that she thinks it fit to just toss me aside whenever she wants. Well screw her. I bent over backwards for her and I challenge her to find anyone better. I know I'm flawed now, but I know it's from all she's put me through. Hopefully as soon as this feeling of anger passes, I'll be my old self again.

Let's just hope that it passes...

A Lonely Road Ahead

Well, it's official. Me and Vikki are over. She has a funny way of timing things, contacting me only days before my birthday (she had previously broke up with me on Valentine's Day). I thought it wouldn't affect me as much as it has, but it did. I felt a mixture of anger, sadness and numbness, but overall a little bit of relief that it was finally all done. I haven't had long to sort out my emotions just yet, but I'll tell you what she said (since I know you're just dyyying to find out... not really, but you'll listen anyway...).  After that random birthday message from Vikki and my angry message in return, I felt bad for swearing so much and just asked for someone answers. 

She replied that she just wasn't ready for a relationship and that she was sorry she had hurt me and that it'd turned out like this. Although to be honest, I don't think she was really sorry or that she even cared all that much. I still feel kind of used and abused in a way - good for making her come and making her feel good on her bad days, but cast aside like a paper towel when she gets a new job and has a little scare about her self-worth. Sorry didn't mean to kiss and tell there, but truly, obviously it was a gift that I got out now before I found out she couldn't be in a relationship rather than if we were married or living together.

Although she didn't specifically say that she didn't want to be with me any more, I'm not prepared to wait for what is obviously going to be a very long time before she's ready for a relationship. I can see when a relationship has drifted south and even in my limited experience I knew that there was no changing that. It's a real shame because we both loved each other and we could've been really good together. Personally, she put up too many obstacles to move through and I don't think she really wanted us to succeed. So I sent an email back saying that it was obviously over between us and tried to end it in the nicest way possible.

I guess I was hoping for the whole "No, we can make this work! I love you so much" response from her (there's been no response yet) but I'm guessing that wont be it if there is even a response from her. I just feel so emotionally drained. I was in a mall today and didn't even feel like trying for the girls there. Honestly, I can't be bothered with girls at the moment. All that revealing myself to Vikki and forming a relationship with her - it's just so draining to have to start all over again that I really can't be blowed to do all that again right now. Even if the perfect girl was delivered to me on a silver platter I would still probably say no. Heck, it'd probably be easier just to turn gay. I really am done with girls right now.

I'm just so scared that I won't find anyone else like her. Or even anyone else just to put up with me. What if I'm scarred now? I mean, I'm already finding it hard opening up to other people - I find myself reserving myself more and more with new people. And I'm sad because this is it. Our relationship is over. There's not going back, no turning around. For the rest of my life I will never see her again or know her. I won't know if she's happy. Won't know if she regrets losing me. Won't know if she's even alive or dead or where she's going or been. Like a line being cut forever, it's just gone. I always get upset about people who come into my life and then leave and this is no exception.

Well, for me it looks like a lonely road for a while. I'm actually looking forward to just cutting out all that clutter of relationships and girls and just focussing on myself. My art, my hobbies and doing things which will make me feel great. I know that before I'd usually say that it would be nice to have someone to share it with, but honestly right now, I couldn't feel anything farther from it. A bachelor's time for me my dears and it's going to be great (hopefully...). I just hope I don't turn into one of those chauvinistic bastards which get too used to a bachelor's life, but knowing me, I wont (again, hopefully...).

Meh, I think I worry to much. Time for some rest and relaxation. Wish me luck.

Oh and by the way, food poisoning absolutely sucks. Don't ever eat rice from a delicatessen. It sucks...

Sock Molestation

Well, this weekend has been fun. Not only have I graduated, but I also had a great game of cricket and after-party with my team and done a few cool things too. I took my first catch and hit my first boundary - yeah I'm sure that pre-schoolers have hit more than me, but hey, they bowl the ball really really fast. The team went to the pub afterwards and I got shouted my first drink ever - even if it was lemonade since I'm still technically underage. Not long to go now. Not that I'd drink alcohol anyway because I like to stay sharp. But still, it's good to know that you're not restricted in anything you do anymore. Ah, 18 should be fun.

So I bet you're wondering about the weird title of this post. Well, it's just a little aside story which I thought would be fun to share, since my latest posts haven't been all bright and cheerful. Basically, I think my bed socks took advantage of me. That's right - they obviously took advantage of me sleeping blissfully to perform some sort of sordid act on me. I pulled the sheets off this morning to get up and there they were, lying perfectly on top of each other right next my pillow.

I lay there for the longest time just staring at them thinking "What the fuck" and laughing nervously. I mean, I had no recollection of taking them off, and if I had, would they really have been placed so perfectly next to my pillow of all places? The way they were lying there was just too suspicious for my liking - for all I know they could've been smoking a cigarette and enjoying what could've been a very eventful night for them. No one else moved them, yet I surely would've noticed myself doing that in my sleep as I have in the past. I've been interviewing others from my underwear draw to see what the word is on the street, but so far my search is fruitless. Okay okay, so I'm taking the piss a little, but it is quite strange. It's always good to know you have a little gem locked away for dinner parties such as "I got molested by my bed socks". 

No word from Vikki as of yet and I'm sure she's going to use my ultimatum of "Give me answers or there's no chance ever again" as an easy out. Strangely, the bed socks story amongst other things has revitalized me a bit to see the funny side of things again, so I'm not stressing out too much any more. To tell the truth, I'm not even sure I want to be with her myself any more after all the shit she's put me through. I don't think it'd ever be the same. And it's a real shame because at one point, we were quite a team and I really did love her. I can't say for sure now that she felt the same.

I dunno, the periods of happiness and excitement for life have been getting longer and more frequent, while the periods of depression and missing Vikki are growing less and less. It really is the small things - the comic I'm making, cricket games, strange bed socks, even relatives visiting. They all help show there is a life after such a tough time. Sure I still feel sad sometimes, but now, it's getting easier and easier. If I don't hear from Vikki, sure I'll be wondering if there was any chance, but I think I'll cope all the same. I know already that as soon as I decide that I definitely never want to speak to her again that it'll be hard, but I know I'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Heck, even me and my dad sorted a lot of things out tonight. We were heading for the mother of all fights, but it really did turn out brilliantly. We talked for a while before sorting out some really major stuff which had been ruin our relationship. Although overall, it still feels like in some respects my life is falling apart, in others, it is completely improving.

I really don't know how to put everything into words (either because it's too complicated or the week's late nights and early mornings are finally catching up with me) but I certainly could not feel this a month ago. Even a few weeks ago. To everyone dealing with a loss out there, take it from someone who was on the very edge that there is a life after everything. I'm probably not one to be giving out advice, but if my story helps other's to see that it may hurt but that you'll make it through, then I'll be very happy indeed. Just go out and find your own team bonding or your own comic to make. Or even at a stretch (and I wouldn't wholly recommend it) some bed socks with strange habits.

And seriously, I still am curious how they got right up near my pillow.

Cliques Suck

On other news, my venture in merging back into onsite life at school went well. The week went well and I'm probably going to back onsite next term, although there was one sour moment which ruined everything a tad. But before I get into that, I must tell you that I got my diploma and graduated from the first stage of the school. Hopefully I will get it framed or something, but at least I have something to stick on my resume. Anyway, back to the drama which is my life...

Well, at the old campus we used to play cricket every lunch time and break. By us, I mean a group of students, teachers and tech supports. However, there was some ill-feeling between me and one shop assistant who took exception to me for some reason (I suspect me playing a prank with his shop sign, having him swear at me and then me have him get talked to by the principal, might have something to do with it - although the prank was on another employee, but he happened to be the grumpy SOB which found it first). And now this happens.

Yesterday, the two tutors which we used to play with were out playing cricket together. As soon as I went up to them they said it was time to go and then they left with me just standing there. I passed it off, but today I went up to play and they said that I couldn't because they didn't want me to break a window. Then I said I'd just bowl, to which one replied that they didn't want me to because it's the only time they get away from other students. So I said I'd just field and not talk, to which he added that he'd "Said all he had to say". Okaaay...

Anyway, there was this random kid who lived around the area and they let him bat and bowl, but they just kept on missing me out on the bowling and batting cycles. They're both jerks and it's probably something liken to a mixture of jealousy of my bowling and gossip from said ape in the shop who probably has been bad mouthing me all term. They almost made me not want to come back, but I say fuck em because I can run and walk rather than play cricket with poofy-looking fuck heads. Take the ball and shove it up your arse and then follow it with the bat you cunts.

Other than that, my week was good. And now it is holidays, so I don't have to see them for a month. Not that they could even look at me anyway, cowards. I dunno, some people are tard burgers.

Consideration

Well out of the blue Vikki sent me this message saying thanks for the birthday wishes I sent her. It made me wonder if she was just ignoring all my other messages, because she mentions nothing about our relationship, the questions I want answered or where our relationship is. And she didn't even bother to put "Take care" this time - she just put "TC". You're kidding me right? This sense of pure and simple rage swept over me and I was typing literally 100 words a minute. I can't even remember exactly what I wrote, but there were about 100 fucks and shits mixed in amongst the other angsty scribbles. But seriously, a month and this is what I get?

I am so fucking pissed. Firstly because if you love someone, or have ever loved someone, you don't leave them hanging that long and then send some fucking shitty email which sorts nothing out. Secondly, it makes me wonder if she ever loved me at all. Thirdly, it just fucking sucks. Honestly, it's almost comical, except I'm not seeing the funny side. I'm thinking I shouldn't even be pursuing the idea of getting back together with her. Did I ever really know her? Or was it all just lies? 

All I know is that if she doesn't give me some answers within the next week, she's gone for good. She can send me all the emails she wants after that but I'll cut her loose. You can't do that to people. I'd be ashamed if that was me. If I knew that someone I loved was on the other side of the earth, crying, sad and scared, then I'd be there for them, or at least break up with them respectfully. It's called empathy. Caring. Sensitivity. What Vikki has done is the complete opposite. I don't even know this person she's turned into. And I've never sworn at her once, so this is a new venture for me, of which I'm not proud but very angry so I guess it's my feelings, but Vikki is acting like a bitch. There I said it. Crucify me and label me some girl basher. I don't care because I've put up with so much shit and all I get is an abbreviated version of "take care".

I'm too angry to write, but all I want is a little consideration. Is it too much to fucking ask? If I say I love someone, I mean it. Love is not making someone stress out and cry for a whole month and then pass it off as a passing comment. Love is trying to make the one you love feel special. If I saw my wife or my fiance sitting there crying, small and scared and lonely just wanting some love, I'd be at her side immediately, hugging her and telling her everything was gonna be okay. I'd be there for her, because that's love. Just to see her smile and feel better.

But maybe that's just me. Maybe it's just fucking me...