Tired

I feel different some how. I'm upset now not because of what I've lost and how unfair everything is, but more because I'm just sad Vikki has chosen to leave because I love her. She's got it stuck in her mind that she cannot be in a relationship until she is ready. But what she doesn't get is that when she is ready is only up to her, not some random sign from the heavens. Until she gets that she'll just be stuck in this limbo forever. And it's a real shame - she wants to be with me and I with her, but it'll never be until she understands she's the master of her own universe.

I think it's pretty near to me having met her exactly 1 year ago. I want to be able to celebrate this with someone. I want to be in a relationship with her. It's so frustrating because she's not just messing around with her life, but mine too. She never gave me a choice or say in anything that's happened and there's no way I can fix anything. If she wanted to be a good girlfriend, then all she needed to do was do that. It's hilarious because she didn't know how simple being a good girlfriend was and yet she left because she didn't know how.

I never asked her to be perfect. I never said we couldn't work on these problems together. I certainly am not perfect. It's just so warped I don't even know what to say any more. I must say that it is getting easier though. It really is. I'm beginning to notice myself thinking of a future without Vikki and finding someone else and how silly it all is in the end. But on the other hand, I'm also finding out how much I love her. But is it love or just my fear of not finding someone else?

Admittedly, I'm scared no one else will find me attractive. My hair isn't growing back and I can't stay wrinkle-free forever. How am I ever going to find someone I'm so attracted to, so emotionally linked to and who cares about me like she did? Someone who is willing to put up with my bullshit sometimes and someone who can get kinky or romantic with me? I'm scared, but I know it's probably possible. I just don't want to be wasting these prime years of my life. She shouldn't be either. Even if it's not with me, I just want her to be happy. It'll kill me if it isn't with me, but if I know she's happy then I really wont care.

I do not understand how anyone would want to be alone. It's so great having someone special there to tag along and know what you're going through. To have someone to trust and talk to. There's something I wanted to say, but I just can't remember it now. My thoughts are so muddled it's not even funny. I just want to hold her and kiss her. I want to show someone the love I have. Someone special and who loves me back. I wanted it be her. It should be her. I don't just throw "The One" out there, but she knew that's how I felt and she said she felt the same too.

You don't do this to the one. If they are the one, then who cares if you aren't the best at a relationship, you know they'll still be there in the end. They'll give you the space you need to fix yourself up, but don't just walk away. And if they're not the one, then she should've just told me. I'm afraid to say she's being very selfish. People who want to be with one another don't do this. And I apologize if she didn't want to get committed so early on in her life, but she knew I did and she had said the same. I love her, I really do. I know it's a big deal to plan your life with someone else in mind, but that's about being partners. It's about being one.

Why can't two people be in love and end up together? God gives love to schmucks and assholes, and he can't give a break to someone who would cherish a woman forever. Someone who believes in true love. It all just blows my mind. It's bullshit really. I just wish Vikki would at least see it's her choice, not anybody else's. Not some sign or magical signal that she's ready. No one is ready. I just want to know if we'll be together when she's ready, if she'll ever be ready or if not. If not, I can just move on. It'll break my heart, but I know it's for the best.

I dunno, I've just been saying the same things to myself every night before bed and whenever I'm feeling down or unsure: "I am a good person", "I am desirable", "There is a life after Vikki", "I will find someone else", "I am a good boyfriend" and "Everything is going to be okay". I hate being positive about myself because I hate big-heads. But I know it's true. I know I'm a good person and if I can fake it until I make it, then I'll be a positive person in no time. As soon as I've finished telling myself that I always feel so much better.

Everyone I've told my sob story to thinks I'm a catch and that Vikki doesn't know what she's missing out on. But the thing is, I'm not vindictive like that - I still love her so very much. And to tell the truth, and I know I shouldn't be putting myself down, but I don't think I'm that big a catch. I know I'm an excellent boyfriend, but I'm not the hottest guy and I'm certainly not the most bullet-proof either. And I know that if anyone else went through what I did with Vikki they'd never date her, but I can't help but be madly in love with her.

I feel like I'm going off track now, but I just miss her and I want to know if I should stay or go. I'm just sick of talking about it. I just want to fly to Australia and pick Vikki up and love her. Show her that we don't need to be alone and that problems don't matter. But this is no romance movie. This is real life and in real life shit happens.

I just really hope I can tell my kids about this one day. Whether they're Vikki's or someone else's, I do not know. I just hope I have some so all this crying and pain isn't in vain.