New Beginnings

As the saying goes, in every life there's a time for a reaping and a sowing. And for me, the fronds of my life are just beginning to sprout again, up from the ashes. Looking back over these months of blog posts, I thought I saw a life being undone. Now I see that it is a life being reborn. A time of finding my way, my place, my voice and my heart. Of seeing people fall away and of seeing people rise. From my grandmother's death I was able to start a career. From the losses of my love and my friends, I was able to achieve perspective. Whatever the case, this time in my life has not destroyed me, but left me experienced - somewhat more than I would've enjoyed - but experienced all the same. Reborn from the fire to face it all over again.

You know of my troubles with family and love and life. My time at art school finished with a bang of a similar fashion. It was mostly my fault of course; never seeing the outcome of my lies or actions until they're gone and I'm wishing there was an "undo" button. I asked a girl out, as far as I knew it was for a date, and we went to the cinema. Only there did I find out she had a boyfriend. I flowed with it all the same and when I was asked by my art tutor the next day how my date went, I said it went brilliantly, not naming names. However harmless the lie, time and again I find out that full honesty is the best medicine, no matter how horrible. Had I not shared this lie in the presence of another student, I may still be at art school today. But this was not an ordinary student.

Since I started at the art school, one student, Rick, had had it out for me for no reason at all. My presence annoyed him in his words. As he was a cruel, pot-smoking douche which everyone seemed to like, I tried my best to avoid him as much as possible. But it just so happened Rick was in the carpool on the way to school when I divulged my status-increasing lie to my tutor. So far, so good. Rick looked suspicious, but I felt that my lie went down well and that I'd gotten away with it. But little did I know that it was only the beginning of a chain of events which would lead to a terrible conclusion.

The girl I asked out was a friend of a friend, who I hung out with at school. When that friend texted me about why I hadn't been going to school as much lately, I joked around that I was dying. Hilarious to me. Less so to my friend. Somehow this got around to the girl I went to the movies with and from there, somehow Rick found out about it and then also that I never went on a "date". The car ride to school the next day, to say the least, was tense. Rick claimed that my date was a sham and that I should stop texting the girls. Little did I know that Rick had (at least in my eyes) either a crush on the girl I went to the cinema with and/or a vendetta against me. I passed it off and said that I dated several people, none of which he knew, and that it was none of his business. Luckily my fellow carpoolers bought the story and defended me. I came close to punching Rick that day; in fact I did try and trip him up on the stairs after I found out that the two girls had completely snubbed me and were gossiping. Rick threatened to kill me and I haven't been back since because quite frankly, I know I'll do the prick over and I've spent too long being a good person for him to mess it up.

So you see, once again lies have given me a valuable lesson. A lie to make myself seem more impressive and a joke which was in bad taste. Harmless. To everyone but myself. Time and again the consequences have proven this to me. I'll admit, I was unlucky to tell a lie while in the presence of the one person willing to doggedly disprove it just for the hell of it, but in any case, not telling it in the first place would've saved me a lot of heart ache. So you see, although many things change, some things never seem to. I never seem to learn from these lessons. I always seem to think I'm too smart to get caught lying. Too cunning. In the end I guess I'm not.

The reason I came on tonight was because another of my best friends online simply deleted me and made sure I could never contact him again for nothing more than messaging him and "not leaving him alone". I'll admit, I'm upset. He'd been my friend for more than a year and we'd had some good times together. I just guess that people don't see the world the way I do. I'm loyal and if I have a problem with you, I'll tell you instead of simply cutting you off. I'll be emotionally intuitive. I'll care. As my parents always tell me, the world just doesn't think like that. But in this time of new growth, it doesn't register as a strike against my heart, but as a new leaf of experience for me to grow from. Even as I write, the hurt is going. Probably because I also know that just a new experience comes, so do new friends. Enter Andy.

I spent a solid month lapping up any work I could get my hands on via the local student job search. On one such job I met Andy. We clicked immediately and although he doesn't contact me before I contact him, he seems like a good soul with a good head. Just as my view of people was waning, I find someone who is decent. Someone who doesn't act like a schoolboy, as with Rick or my other friends. Someone who is mature. Thankfully he hasn't asked my age, because if he had when I first met him I'd have probably told him a lie, and I've had too many relationships begin on a lie. It's not that I want to lie. It's just that it's safe within this shell. This mask where I can be whatever you want me to be. Where people take you seriously and don't dismiss you on age or who you date or what you do.

But wear my mask I still do. I'm even lying to my extended family now. After my grandmother died, I was able to acquire a professional camera from her estate. Although I'd rather have my grandmother, it seems almost a gift from her to me so I can have a career. But before long, I just have to taint it. I'm already saying that I've gotten a job at a magazine to my family, friends and even strangers, when the reality is that I haven't even sent in my portfolio. Every time I tell a lie it makes me feel that bit more distant from others.

This new beginning is too brilliant to taint with my lies. It shouldn't just be a new chance to put on new masks to make me feel secure. Maybe I've been burnt again and again to realize that I'm meant to. Maybe I'm not supposed to cover my vulnerability with these masks. Maybe this new chance is just that. A new chance. A chance to feel life as myself, the only version of me I'll ever be. But it's baby steps right now. It's hard to break the habit of a lifetime. I'm still just poking my head through the dirt.

Deep Down

Well it's been a long time, no type. And you'd think with this much time, things would be better. To admit the truth, things are significantly better. I went through a period of almost a month of not missing, thinking about or talking about Vikki. I was focussed on my studies and enjoying life in general. That is until the last few days, culminating in the email I sent her tonight. From deep down I can feel those feelings trying to crawl back up from where ever I've tried to bury them, like a burp rising in your throat. Sometimes I've pulled them out and studied them before flushing it back down, but tonight I had to appease the demon and write down what it wanted me to. But I'm getting ahead of myself. It all started at school.

You'd think at a university, people would be civilized. They're not. It's just like high school and every other traumatizing education facility you can think of or have attended. People bitch. People moan. People are pricks and dicks and mean. The girls are taken and the guys don't like you. The teachers can be dumb and you hate working. None of this was a problem until a few of the people I study with started getting stressed about deadlines. This of course leads to being snippy and being snippy leads to them taking it out on me. Why on me you ask? Because I'm a nice guy. I'm professional and I take their venting and I go for a run to burn off steam, when I actually really wish I could rip into them and tear their world apart.

And really, I could. I sit back and observe as I always have. I pick up on their ways, their ticks and their fears. I probably know stuff about them they aren't even aware of. Secret crushes, thoughts and behaviours. But I know it takes a lot to be good on this earth; It'd be so easy to let them have a piece of my mind and be mean and bad just like they are. But I won't.

None of these encounters have been a problem before really. But with their frequency increasing of late, I can't help but pine for Vikki in my own way. I mean, no matter which asshole attacked me or what was said about me, I knew that out of everyone, there was one person who loved me just the way I was and could make me feel better. A person I could retreat to and just delve into to forget my problems. And now that person isn't there, I have only myself to rely on. And I don't really like delving into myself lately. I never know what I might find.

I'll admit it. I still love Vikki. I always will. But I hate her too. I loathe ever meeting her. I regret ever asking her to be my girlfriend. For my first relationship, I sure did pick a winner. Now every time I think about being in love I feel this pain. I feel this anger rising up from the bowels of my heart. This lonely, cold pain. Even my fantasies are being affected. The closest I ever get to being intimate with a woman is my blankets rolled up into a girl next to me in bed. And even now when I try to cuddle it in some pathetic attempt to feel close to someone who cares, it tells me that it's just a bunch of sheets. I mean seriously! My sheets are telling me they aren't a real girl. I usually end up pushing them away in disgust.

And Vikki sits there, probably with new guy in hand, not even contemplating the number she's done on me. Well until tonight anyway. I sent her an email minus all the nice guy shit I usually throw in. I don't care any more if what I say ruins our chances - I've recognized we're not going anywhere and I need her to know what a horrible person she's been to me. How she's made me feel. It was long and it's late, so I can't remember exactly what it said, but it was me and it was the truth.

But in saying that, am I not being myself? I mean, the usual me doesn't say stuff like that. If I have a problem with someone, I'll think that stuff to myself, but I'll probably tell them I have a problem in a civilized manner or not bring it up at all if you're unlucky (those people get snubbed for all eternity). I'm trying to find this balance, but I'm struggling. Which option is best? Which is me? I mean, I know you can't go around telling people they are too fat or to fuck off or that they are assholes, but I want to also be an honest person. Or should I not say anything at all? Vikki has made me re-evaluate all the things I was so sure about.

And that's what hurts the most. The knowledge that I'm not what I used to be. When I was with her I was myself at my best. I was complete. I relied too heavily on her because now she's gone and I'm left holding pieces of my life. I was too far in fantasy land to recognize that maybe she wasn't going to stick around. Maybe people do break up.

Whatever the case, I do feel far better than the last time I wrote. I'm still struggling in my own private war, but it's a war I will win. Vikki can go take a hike because I'm done with her. She doesn't know what she's missing out on. And that's what I take with me to keep me warm at night - the knowledge that I know I'm a good person. The knowledge that I'm a gentleman who's sensitive, romantic, loyal and honest. I may not be the best looking, but I know my own skin. I'm not always so adjusted in it, but I know it well.

And then I can sleep.

Cliques Suck

On other news, my venture in merging back into onsite life at school went well. The week went well and I'm probably going to back onsite next term, although there was one sour moment which ruined everything a tad. But before I get into that, I must tell you that I got my diploma and graduated from the first stage of the school. Hopefully I will get it framed or something, but at least I have something to stick on my resume. Anyway, back to the drama which is my life...

Well, at the old campus we used to play cricket every lunch time and break. By us, I mean a group of students, teachers and tech supports. However, there was some ill-feeling between me and one shop assistant who took exception to me for some reason (I suspect me playing a prank with his shop sign, having him swear at me and then me have him get talked to by the principal, might have something to do with it - although the prank was on another employee, but he happened to be the grumpy SOB which found it first). And now this happens.

Yesterday, the two tutors which we used to play with were out playing cricket together. As soon as I went up to them they said it was time to go and then they left with me just standing there. I passed it off, but today I went up to play and they said that I couldn't because they didn't want me to break a window. Then I said I'd just bowl, to which one replied that they didn't want me to because it's the only time they get away from other students. So I said I'd just field and not talk, to which he added that he'd "Said all he had to say". Okaaay...

Anyway, there was this random kid who lived around the area and they let him bat and bowl, but they just kept on missing me out on the bowling and batting cycles. They're both jerks and it's probably something liken to a mixture of jealousy of my bowling and gossip from said ape in the shop who probably has been bad mouthing me all term. They almost made me not want to come back, but I say fuck em because I can run and walk rather than play cricket with poofy-looking fuck heads. Take the ball and shove it up your arse and then follow it with the bat you cunts.

Other than that, my week was good. And now it is holidays, so I don't have to see them for a month. Not that they could even look at me anyway, cowards. I dunno, some people are tard burgers.

Bridges

Well it turns out that Joel didn't actually hear me (that or he was just pretending he didn't), but I apologized anyway. It felt good doing the right thing and just seeing his smile. I may have repaired one broken bridge, so it just shows what a little bit of humility and kindness can do. And from there the day just got better. People at school seemed nicer and more tolerable than ever before and I am finally making some peace with me and Vikki. She still hasn't replied, so I'm a tad annoyed, but I don't hold anything against her. I only had one bad moment today.

I just can't get to grips that if me and Vikki don't get together, which will probably be the case judging by the current state of things, that she'll be with someone else. I mean, deep down I want her to be happy and find someone who she loves and that loves her, but the thought that someone else with going to be having children with her and making love to her, well that's just unbearable. I think if did say she wanted to move on from me then I'd never be able to speak to her again. I know it would only lead to me becoming obsessed and cruel. And it sucks.

I mean, she promised me our first kiss - my first kiss - and our first time together. To think that once she gives it to someone else she can't get it back. It's just the finality of it. I mean, I'm not trying to control her even when I'm not with her, but I just can't stand the thought of it. Other than this small part of suckiness, I know I'll be fine now even if Vikki comes back and says no, or even if she doesn't come back at all. Other than that, my day was superb. Let's hope it stays that way. I dunno, I'm so used to life throwing curve balls at me or things going wrong that I'm half expecting some person to jump out and yell that it's all been a joke and that it's time to get back to my crappy life.

Whatever the case, I can feel myself getting slowly back on track. And funnily, it all started with me being cruel to another and alien to myself. In a way, I can thank Joel for being a jerk to me - if he hadn't, I wouldn't have talked about him and then I wouldn't have noticed what my life was becoming. Ever since I've decided to let my emotion baggage go and forgiving people - it really has helped me see the light again. I think that with all this hurt and my inability or unwillingness to forgive the people who caused it, it was really killing me inside. It was also stopping me from forgiving myself for fucking up in life, whatever it was.

So here's to jerks and forgiving them. *Raises glass*

Time To Get Back On The Rails

The last few days have been messy for me. Each day I felt a mixture of feelings, never being able to decide which one to listen to. But today everything became extremely clear to me. It was like a beam of light just shone onto my head and all the fog I've felt over this last month dissipated. It's a welcome, but very unfamiliar feeling which I'm still getting used to. I'm half expecting the feeling to fade and for all the doubt to creep back into my mind, but on the other hand, I'm pretty sure it will at least make a lasting impression after what happened today. Well, I'll take you to where it all began, back in my first term of art school I participated.

I was helping run the first term student exhibition at our art school back when I was a newbie to the campus and I was teamed up with a second year student called Joel. We got along pretty well - he was pretty self-important and useless, but it didn't really impose on me. We were all headed by a receptionist and exhibition helper Wendy, who I was polite, but cautious to from the beginning since she was very cliquey with certain members of the school. Things were going well until the second term.

The second term's student exhibition rolled around and Joel was assigned to coordinate. However, he also needed a co-coordinator and I'd done more than anyone the previous term so I was looking for the role. But now Joel had the power he'd craved for so long and he certainly wasn't going to share it with anyone, especially someone who could show him up like me. He flatly refused to accept a co-coordinator and from there we stopped talking and things even got less than polite. I even stopped helping out at the exhibition because both Joel and Wendy started bossing me around. Fast forward several months and term to today.

I was sitting in the lunch area out on the lawn of our campus today talking with a couple of people. I hadn't seen them in ages since I went extra-mural, so they were asking me what I'd been up to. When one asked why I wasn't helping out with this term's exhibition, I replied "I'm not traveling an hour and a half on a smelly bus just to work my arse off and be bossed around by Joel and Wendy". Then I'm pretty sure I called Joel a troll before the person I was talking to pointed out the fact that Joel was sitting eating his lunch behind a bush within earshot of us and was now looking kind of hurt.

I tried to pass it off as if I didn't care that he heard, but immediately I felt this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. He's a jerk, you can't deny, but I'm ashamed. What have I become? I'm supposed to be the one being talked about and the one getting bullied, and now I've done something completely against my moral compass. Against everything that is me. I let my emotions compromise my morals as a human being and my very nature. 

The whole bus ride home I could only think about my actions and how far I've strayed over this last harrowing month. Not only have I let Vikki and our problems consume my life, my happiness and my drive, but now I'd let it take my values. It's one move too far. I'm a good person. I care about other's feelings and am sensitive. I know what it's like to be bullied and feel like no one likes you. And now I've done something so cruel and horrible that it only highlights what I've become. To put it bluntly, the situation is ridiculous. Moping and crying was fine, but as soon as the problems affect me as a person, then that's it. It's time to get this train back on the tracks.

I've sent a message to Vikki saying I was sorry for playing games with her and I'm going to apologize to Joel tomorrow. I had planned to walk to his house tonight, but I don't know what his address is exactly. I don't know if this goodwill will last, but I know I need to try. I had been hoping that my life would sort itself out and that everything would fall into place. Wrong! I need to make my own life. After the fog cleared today I feel like for this last month I've been a horrible person. I feel so dirty and wrong. I just hope it isn't too late to get back to where I was. I know I'm a good person, but now I need to prove it to myself by making things right. I don't know how hard it'll be, or how long it will take, but in the end there is no way I'm going to let myself turn into a monster. 

This ends now. It's time to take charge again.

Second Thoughts

The promise I made to God has been bothering me - I told him I wouldn't play games with Vikki if he helped me sort out the situation. So does that mean what I've done is breaking that promise? I mean, I really do wish she'll come back to me and say that she still has feelings for me, despite what I fear, so in a way, it's like the game I swore to not participate in. Am I only hiding under the veil that I'm doing this for her when I'm actually still trying to win her back? If I don't post again it means I've been struck by some kind of lightning bolt from the heavens since I'm assuming that God reads all the fine print of contracts very carefully.

I mean, it wasn't just a promise, it was a covenant. The strongest type of promise (heck, I was desperate for help) and somehow I feel like I've got this bulls eye on my forehead with God lining me up thinking about how I've broken the covenant. Not only have I lost the one I love, my health, my happiness, my life (practically), my drive, but now I've pissed off God. It wasn't intentional, and I'm not even sure if this counts, but it's got me worried.

On other fronts, I still await a reply from Vikki, if one is even going to come. If you love someone, you try and contact them, so this is just reinforcing the fact that she doesn't care any more. I've found solace in video games however - I've found a group of friends on there which I can play with until whatever hour of the day, so I feel part of something. Pathetic as it seems, I feel happy mucking around with them, getting my mind of things. But every second I depart, my worries set back in. Right before bed too so I can look forward to a sleepless night.

The fact of the matter is, I haven't done any schoolwork in about a month or two. I'm meant to be doing some art at home and filling in my study logs, but now I don't even have the will to fake them. I feel like a real loser sometimes, but I don't see how to move forward. I'm hoping once I get some closure from Vikki that magically I'll move on with my life, but it's taking its toll on me since I'm remaining dormant for so long. But what if...?

What if I don't magically get back on track after Vikki replies, if she even does. What if all this time I've just wasted is for nothing? All I can think about is how much damage I've done to my body with all this stress, not eating, not sleeping and not getting out. And you know what? Deep down, and it really does scare me when I feel this way, I don't care. I enjoy the fact I'm destroying myself. Whether it's for attention or for someone to fight for me to save myself or something else, I don't know - all I know is that when I look at my tired, sad face in the mirror at night I get this sick twinge in my stomach thinking fuck you. I'm going to fuck you up really nice.

And it scares me.

Well It Is My Life...

So what did you expect? Everything to turn out all nice and rosy? Everything was going great with Vikki and my life; I'd created a masterpiece at school of the headmaster as a zombie, had a great Christmas, joined a local cricket team and made plans with the one I truly love, Vikki. Now we're just playing pass the break-up with each other and exchanging yes/no messages. It all started a while ago, back when we were first getting together, and like a train, it trudged slowly on through our relationship until it reached its destination - our demise.

Me, Vikki, her brother and our friends all used to hang out together online, but when we started to go out, we'd spend more and more time together. After a while, we'd only come online and speak to each other. Soon her brother Matt and his friends became restless, thinking I was somehow controlling her and making her only hang out with me. They'd growl at her, I'd growl at them, the brother would then growl at me and it'd just end up with everyone fighting. Me and Vikki's brother stopped talking and it was the same with his friends. And then I did something stupid.

About a month ago, I decided to give the two friends a second chance. However I quickly learned they were only trying to be nice to me because they somehow thought it would get them more time with Vikki. Unbeknownst to me, their plan worked. Soon Vikki and the two friends (Who I shall now refer to as Dick and Tracy) began spending time together. Not needing me any more, naturally they became rude towards me, saying that I liked to suck my dad's dick and everything else childish under the sun. I have a tough skin, built over years of bullying, but then something happened which I didn't expect.

I've always been brought up with the notion that you always support your partner. My father always told me "No matter what son, always support your wife" and my mother would say "Even if she's fighting with your parents, you support her". So I was quite surprised when I told her all this and Vikki turns around to me and says she's still going to spend time with them. I'd always felt like the girl in the relationship and this was no exception. She should've just stopped contact with them right then and there. I shouldn't even have to ask, especially when I'd stopped seeing friends that'd been mean to her. It was the beginning of the end.

The next night I broke up with her. I'd been backed into a corner - either remain and let myself be disrespected by having my own partner ignore the fact I'm being bullied by her friends or go and throw away everything we'd worked on. Well I'd have never respected myself ever again if I'd stayed, so I left. That night I nearly had a mental breakdown and collapsed. It was actually quite good as I was docile when Vikki said she wanted to talk that night. She said she needed some space to sort out her issues so we could start a new chapter of our relationship. So I gave her all the space she needed.

The first few days were hard. My parents bore the brunt of it and by the time it was over, my mother loathed the name Vikki. But after a week, Vikki said she wanted to talk. So we talked and instead of the bright new chapter I'd been hoping for, I received the "It's not you, it's me" speech. Apparently she'd realized it was all her fault and that she wasn't relationship material. So I was dumped as usual.

Strangely, we were still allowed to talk, hang out, be naughty together and everything like before, with the exception of being actually called a "couple". I said I'd wait for as long as she needed to get herself ready, but after a week, I had questions mounting and worries building faster than wild fire. So then we reach present tense - I told her I shouldn't have to wait and that it wasn't fair on either of us since she didn't know how long we would have to wait. In my life, I get excited by what's around the corner, what I'm doing and keeping active. I can't be stagnant or I rot. It was inevitable. So now for my Valentine's Day, I'm alone. I was so close to not being alone, but here I am.

I'll always love Vikki and who knows, maybe there's a place for us in the future. Maybe we'll find someone else before then and move on. Maybe we'll just never recover. Whatever the case, I don't like this no mans land between. It's so vast and lonely in here and I've been wandering for my whole life with no comfort or peace. Like a mirage on the horizon, people and places come and go, touching my life, but never staying. I look back on them from time to time and cry because I know I'll never have them again. so now that you're all depressed from my sob story, so hug the one you love and do something for them without them having to ask you. Don't let them be alone. It's not very nice...

 I've decided to do my studies from home and focus on working. I've gotten into promotional gigs and the like. It's good pay, got the humiliation factor for embarrassing 21st birthday party stories and you get to meet some nice people. Anything's better than wallowing alone.

Artist's Block

The term back at school has been tedious. I'm not going to lie to you, I've felt like giving up at least a dozen times each day. Some days I feel that my only purpose there is the break-time game of cricket. The whole ordeal with Jaffa had been depressing and I'd formed a serious case of artist's block. I'd decided to paint a portrait of a man, but for nearly a week I struggled and struggled to get the face right. Even then it felt wrong. Day after day I worked away. And by Friday I'd had enough.

I blanked the whole canvass. White primer straight over the portrait. And to tell you the truth, I've never felt better. Before the coat had even dried I was splashing colour up there and making a mess, completely different from before - I'm colour blind and have let it get the better of me. I use black and white and small brushes, and that's it. But not today. And from the corner of my eye I saw my muse.

Jaffa, the fat bastard, was in my class that day, avoiding me. All my anger, all the hate, forever boiling inside me - I let it explode on the canvass. I'd turned my emotion into a work of art at fatty's expense, and it felt good. Ever since that day I've been reenergized for the day. What's better than art where you can learn and humiliate your rivals at the same time? Well, utterly destroying them is one...

Jaffa always complained to me about the way people thought he was gay. Forever was he saying "Let's not talk here or they'll think we are lovers" or "Do you think she thinks I'm a homo?". I too all my life have had this problem. A well groomed, polite and smart man must be gay riight? Well, so thought almost every tormentor I've had over my limited years. I know I'm not, and am comfortable because I know who I am. And this knowing gives me the strength to joke about my sexuality. If people call me gay I say I probably am, followed by some witty insult. And it was for this portrait that I'd use my security, and Jaffa's insecurity, for evil not good.

Underneath Jaffa's mug, I'm writing "We Were Lovers!" or something of the sort, in a nice pink tone. This will of course be displayed in both the foyer cabinet and the end of year exhibition, where I'm musing with selling it for free, just so I can show everyone how worthless he is. As I said, I don't get mad, I get even.

A Friend Knocks

I don't have many friends. I have never needed any and the few I had turned out to be tools any way. I can't complain; I never sought popularity, but always wore just enough masks to be socially acceptable. I'd sit and observe below the radar, keeping out of the spot light so I could work behind the scenes, always dumbing myself down socially and intellectually so I wouldn't be a threat. I really did feel like I was a spy on an alien world sometimes, conforming to others.

Sure I was liked by those who got to know me, but I was also bullied like hell throughout my early life. This year it all changed though. I had enrolled into tertiary education for the first time. A new setting, new people - I wasn't going to pass it up. So I decided on a new me. Everything I did was probably the exact opposite; outgoing, talkative and witty. The problem is it worked.

I know it sounds strange, but I was suddenly popular, outgoing and well liked. The times someone did pick a fight with me it either bounced off or sorted itself out. I liked this new me. But for reason, I wasn't quite the same when at home. Sure I was happier, but remnants of old me kept popping through for a cup of tea. Each different side of me was conflicting but at the same time couldn't live without one another.

Am I this new happy guy or the old reclusive. Which is the mask and which is reality? Am I going mad? Sure there has been a history of mental disorders in my extended family, but I don't honestly believe that. Every day one side is either stronger or weaker and I'm finding it hard to divide the two. What I need is someone I can be open with who isn't a blog page. As fortune would have it, that someone happened to be knocking on my door at 9am this morning.

Sure 9am isn't early for most, but if you've gone to sleep at 4am that same morning you don't have to be a math teacher to work out the sum equals cranky. I barely had time to notice my pounding headache before I was embroiled in a conversation with, shall we say, "Jaffa"; he's Indian, larger than life in more ways than one, optimistic, vain, about 20 years my senior, utterly honest and incredibly loyal. Say no more. He's been following me around like a bad smell ever since we met at school, turning up at all hours to show me his artwork and telling about his dreams and life. On any given day, he'd annoy the shit out of me, but for some reason he's the only one outside my family I can be truly honest with. You couldn't get two more opposite people, but we get along like a bulimic and a toilet bowl. 

Maybe it's what I need, maybe it's not; I'm willing to ride it along to see what comes out. I could use a bit of honestly right now in my life and I definitely think that Jaffa can give it to me. Hopefully someone else can see what's really there behind my masks even if I can't.