Long, Hard Look...

I've really been taking stock in my life the past few days. Maybe I'm just not the person I thought myself to be. Once again, as if it were ever going to end any other way, I've driven away yet another person I cared about. The last I heard from Jess was that she "had to go" a few days ago. It seems to be the tagline of my life - another passive aggressive rejection. Whenever I get too close to somebody, somehow, some way, I managed to push them away. Maybe it's so I can see if they care enough to come back. So far I've not met anybody who has. In the end, either through my fault or theirs', I end up holding the pieces.

I decided to end things with Jess. She was not impressed from what I managed to gather during our final brief conversation which she quickly ended. The problems had started when she asked if I'd missed her - apparently I was her "hon". Maybe Vikki has ruined things for me permanently, or maybe I'm just not the tolerable partner I once thought, but I definitely did not want to get into a serious relationship with someone online again. At least not one where I was made to feel guilty when I answered her question with a "no". As cold as it was, I wasn't thinking about her. I didn't want to either. Life is complicated and maybe I just wasn't ready to be intimate with anyone.

I've soldiered on. Even if it's with the knowledge that I'm a cold-hearted bastard who has a bitter hatred for women now. I guess all my life I've been expecting love and partnership to be this wonderful thing where two souls combine. But twice now I've been shown that it is nothing more than a brief candle that doesn't combine two people any more than oil mixes with water. I've actually really given up on girls. Even when I was totally clear and said I wanted nothing more than a bit of fun, which was a huge milestone (or step backward depending on what you see) in itself, it still turns into a game of cheesy love talk and annoying girls who I eventually find fault with and lose forever.

Will I always have this anger towards women? I want to love women. I do love them. But I hate them so much. Every girl I've ever asked out and been rejected by. Vikki. Jess. They're all the same. "We're not like the others - we're here to stay". And then they leave. They act all confusing and then leave just like the rest. And every one which does just throws another log on the fire of my burning heart as they walk out the door. Every log another reason why I resent them. Will I ever find that one special girl who is perfect for me? The one who can say "I love you" and the one who will stand up for me. The one who can read my mind. And even then, will I only push her away too?

It seems there are only two people in my life who don't hate me. My parents. And those who I haven't met. I guess I'm just one of those people who others must have an opinion about. And that opinion just happens to be dislike more often than not. I've always been close to my parents. They're my best friends. I know that even if I was to tell them everything on this blog, they'd still love me and respect me as a person. But what happens when they're gone? I know it seems morbid, but every day I can almost feel a counter above my head, counting down to the day I must die. The day my parents die. I can count in my head the approximate number of days I have left - only so many weekends I have to spend with my father. Or the number of my mother's birthdays left to celebrate. The number of years before the chance of me having a family are gone - and believe me, I know that I probably already halfway through my life even at such a young age. To think I'll have no loved ones left behind though? That depresses me.

Death is so final. One may look at it flippantly, but if you actually take a moment and realize it, it's terrifying. The day when you'll never ever see that person again. The day when you find out that they're not always going to be around. My parents always tell me think positively and not wish my death upon myself. I don't want to die. I want children and I want a wife! I want to grow old and be there for my grandchildren and live a fruitful life. And yet there is a constant ticking. That constant ticking in my head where I can see where all things end. I just don't want the day to come where all I love dies. The day where I must stop, look around and see no one. The day when I realize what I really am...

Alone.

The Bitch Is Dead

Sorry. I don't like swearing, but I couldn't think of a more fitting title - and may I warn you, ranting may follow as I let out all the anger I've been holding in for the last 6 months... Well, you can all rest assured I'm not going to be wasting my money on anything but Batman comics - far from the hundred of dollars I'd be wasting on a pointless trip to try and win Vikki back. The last few weeks have been painful for me, an all too familiar roller-coaster of feeling great and worse. But tonight has been the worst. Imagine my surprise when I check my emails for that usual "No new messages!" sign, but instead find a message from Vikki. Hence the bitch reference.

Well, I want nothing more to do with that girl. For everything I did for her, for every night I cried over her for, to find such a cold, heartless email really broke my heart in a way, and yet released it in another. For starters, she couldn't even care enough to stop using "text speak" in her break up letter - although again, she didn't actually say we were broken up in that concise way. I guess it's her way of thinking she's not a bitch without a heart.

In regard to my pleas for us to talk or at least say goodbye, she goes on to say "u'v written alot over the time we actutally havent spoken so i dont think there is much left to say". Well sorry I gave a shit about your feelings at all and wanted to break up like a normal person instead of inevitably hating your guts like I do now. In regard to me questioning why she hasn't replied to my emails under her pretense of "my internet is broken" when her brother has been online several times, she says "yeh sure my bro has prob been on...i wouldnt no, iv moved out and am living with a mate from work." Translation: "I'm not even attempting to hide my lack of caring now and oh yeah, my mate is actually some fuck buddy which was more convenient than spending time with you just because you wanted to try".

The kicker was "u'v talked about moving on and i believe this is something u must do!!". Translation: "Dude, stop bugging me, I'm banging some new guy - why are you incapable of being as heartless as me??" Well I guess all this amounts to, in her special way, of Vikki saying goodbye once and for all. Fuck her. Really, fuck her. I'm a nice guy. I would've done anything for her. I did everything I could for her. I treated her nicely and I put up with her flaws just as she did mine. Fuck, I even shared my deepest thoughts with her and left myself vulnerable and defenseless. And now she treats me like this? Not even good enough to consider talking to. I thought only guys sent "Dear John" letters via email and texts?

And the saddest part is, it's all starting to fade away. I've forgotten her voice, her giggle, what we used to do together, why it all ended, how it all started. Everything. It's like she never even existed. And that's probably how it should be. But I swear, that girl really did take 20 years off my life. Seriously, if I'm ever like that to another human being, when I love them and leave them and then act like they don't exist, I want you to find me and put me down. Just shoot me. Really. She didn't act with one ounce of integrity or compassion. If she had wanted to talk to say goodbye or for me to put her out of her misery, I'd have done it in a heart beat.

But you know what? That's never happened to me. All my relationships have been one-sided. I've never had a girl ever say to me "Let's just talk" or a friend say they really needed to repair things and me to then say say no. I'm always hospitable. I'm always thinking of others. I guess I really did have the wool pulled over my eyes with this one. What an immature, cold-hearted bitch Vikki turned out to be. I guess I'm going to save my heart and love for someone who deserves it and really is going to cherish it.

Well, this goes out to everyone who I ever whined to about my troubles and asked for advice from or cried to: Thank you. You know who you are. From America to Britain, to Australia to closer to home, people know about my crisis and some have been helpful, some not so helpful, but I just wanted to say, you never have to listen to me bitch about Vikki or all that shit ever again. I'm putting it to bed. I'm sure there'll be some sighs of relief heard throughout the world. 

But out of everyone, and I know she'll never be reading this, my biggest thanks goes to my mum. A week ago we had this big fight about how I could never talk to her about Vikki without her getting angry at me for being so sad. And then the next day she really tried and listened to me, without judgement, without comment - she just listened and it meant the world. I don't think I'd have taken today so well without her. So to you mum, I love you. Okay, Oscar ceremony over.

I'm sorry, I really don't know if anything I'm writing is making sense. It's just emotion and a kind of giddy high which I'm suppressing for now, about this sense of closure which I've gotten. It's over. It's really over. This huge chapter in my life. Closed. From learning to love, learning to be a good boyfriend, learning what not to do and about moving on. Eventually. Maybe a bit more experience than I really wanted, but heck, at least it's filled a few blog pages and hopefully gave some more insight to those readers out there, as well as a few nuggets of knowledge to mull over for myself. Here's a tip - don't get involved over the internet and don't give your heart away to a person who can't even say I love you in front of their brother and that can't meet you in case you bludgeon them to death like a psychic told them would happen. It's just not going to work.

So what now? I guess I'm a slightly-above attractive looking guy with a personality to make up for any physical impairments. I've got humour and wit, intelligence and compassion, empathy and kindness. I'm creative and honest and reliable and incredibly loyal. Shit, if I can't find anybody maybe there is a higher power up there working against me. But for now, I want to make sure this crazy Spawn Man which surfaced after Vikki left, never shows its' face again. I've got a lot to work on - the jealousy needs to go; I need to be more forgiving and laid back; and I certainly need to be more confident. And I've kinda let myself go a tad over the past few months - some exercise should be in order.

Well readers, how do I summarize this up? Such a massive brain wave of finality has finally hit me and there's not taking this one back. It's, as they would say, the final straw which broke the camel's back. It took a while, but I have finally realized who I really got into bed with and that she didn't really appreciate me or our relationship. Vikki was too immature, and ever though she was older than me in body, her spirit has a long road ahead. I think what's annoyed me the most is that my spirit was ready to go and was forced to stop because Vikki's wasn't ready. I feel like I've been preparing my whole life for marriage and now I just wanna freakin' get in there and start and do what I want to do. It's like peaking 3 years before the Olympics. But for now, I guess it's time to collect the pieces of my heart, my dignity and dust myself off - just get back into life and then back into love.

After this post, I don't think you'll ever read Vikki's name again on this blog. I'm sick of seeing how many megabytes of pain she's taken up on here. I've binged on her for the last 6 months. I think it's high time I made like a bulimic and purged into a toilet somewhere.

Rest in peace bitch.

Deep Down

Well it's been a long time, no type. And you'd think with this much time, things would be better. To admit the truth, things are significantly better. I went through a period of almost a month of not missing, thinking about or talking about Vikki. I was focussed on my studies and enjoying life in general. That is until the last few days, culminating in the email I sent her tonight. From deep down I can feel those feelings trying to crawl back up from where ever I've tried to bury them, like a burp rising in your throat. Sometimes I've pulled them out and studied them before flushing it back down, but tonight I had to appease the demon and write down what it wanted me to. But I'm getting ahead of myself. It all started at school.

You'd think at a university, people would be civilized. They're not. It's just like high school and every other traumatizing education facility you can think of or have attended. People bitch. People moan. People are pricks and dicks and mean. The girls are taken and the guys don't like you. The teachers can be dumb and you hate working. None of this was a problem until a few of the people I study with started getting stressed about deadlines. This of course leads to being snippy and being snippy leads to them taking it out on me. Why on me you ask? Because I'm a nice guy. I'm professional and I take their venting and I go for a run to burn off steam, when I actually really wish I could rip into them and tear their world apart.

And really, I could. I sit back and observe as I always have. I pick up on their ways, their ticks and their fears. I probably know stuff about them they aren't even aware of. Secret crushes, thoughts and behaviours. But I know it takes a lot to be good on this earth; It'd be so easy to let them have a piece of my mind and be mean and bad just like they are. But I won't.

None of these encounters have been a problem before really. But with their frequency increasing of late, I can't help but pine for Vikki in my own way. I mean, no matter which asshole attacked me or what was said about me, I knew that out of everyone, there was one person who loved me just the way I was and could make me feel better. A person I could retreat to and just delve into to forget my problems. And now that person isn't there, I have only myself to rely on. And I don't really like delving into myself lately. I never know what I might find.

I'll admit it. I still love Vikki. I always will. But I hate her too. I loathe ever meeting her. I regret ever asking her to be my girlfriend. For my first relationship, I sure did pick a winner. Now every time I think about being in love I feel this pain. I feel this anger rising up from the bowels of my heart. This lonely, cold pain. Even my fantasies are being affected. The closest I ever get to being intimate with a woman is my blankets rolled up into a girl next to me in bed. And even now when I try to cuddle it in some pathetic attempt to feel close to someone who cares, it tells me that it's just a bunch of sheets. I mean seriously! My sheets are telling me they aren't a real girl. I usually end up pushing them away in disgust.

And Vikki sits there, probably with new guy in hand, not even contemplating the number she's done on me. Well until tonight anyway. I sent her an email minus all the nice guy shit I usually throw in. I don't care any more if what I say ruins our chances - I've recognized we're not going anywhere and I need her to know what a horrible person she's been to me. How she's made me feel. It was long and it's late, so I can't remember exactly what it said, but it was me and it was the truth.

But in saying that, am I not being myself? I mean, the usual me doesn't say stuff like that. If I have a problem with someone, I'll think that stuff to myself, but I'll probably tell them I have a problem in a civilized manner or not bring it up at all if you're unlucky (those people get snubbed for all eternity). I'm trying to find this balance, but I'm struggling. Which option is best? Which is me? I mean, I know you can't go around telling people they are too fat or to fuck off or that they are assholes, but I want to also be an honest person. Or should I not say anything at all? Vikki has made me re-evaluate all the things I was so sure about.

And that's what hurts the most. The knowledge that I'm not what I used to be. When I was with her I was myself at my best. I was complete. I relied too heavily on her because now she's gone and I'm left holding pieces of my life. I was too far in fantasy land to recognize that maybe she wasn't going to stick around. Maybe people do break up.

Whatever the case, I do feel far better than the last time I wrote. I'm still struggling in my own private war, but it's a war I will win. Vikki can go take a hike because I'm done with her. She doesn't know what she's missing out on. And that's what I take with me to keep me warm at night - the knowledge that I know I'm a good person. The knowledge that I'm a gentleman who's sensitive, romantic, loyal and honest. I may not be the best looking, but I know my own skin. I'm not always so adjusted in it, but I know it well.

And then I can sleep.

Breathless

Today has been so very hard for me already. From the moment I woke up I've felt this pain in my heart, thinking of Vikki. I can hardly breathe and my lungs feel heavy. The more I've thought about it, the worst it's gotten. No one to talk to with my councillor off duty and no friends or family to confide in, it's been me alone who's had to bear this burden. This cross I bear on my shoulders every day. No one to care enough. And me not giving them the chance to. I can't take this pain any longer. Not knowing what to do or how to fix it. The frustration at not being able to change a damn thing. This marathon I must run every day. I'm sick of running it. Over and over every day. The other runners streaking ahead while I flail helplessly at the back. And just before I finish I'm transported back to the start again.

There must be something I can do or change to feel happy again. Vikki doesn't want to be in a relationship. There's nothing I can do. She obviously cares nothing for my feelings. Nothing I can do there either. Will I ever find love again or be happy? I don't know. Everything out of my hands. I want control! I need the control of my life again!

Even I don't know what I want any more. I just wish I could go back in time and just say "I don't care if you hang out with Dick and Tracy". It would hurt me unbelievably, but maybe if we grew closer together down the road she'd listen to me more later and see it was hurting me. Anything would be better than this. I thought I was out of this rut. This all consuming hole which feeds and feeds on me until I'm nothing but a skeleton stripped bare. Nothing but a shell with tendons and hurt dripping from my flayed flesh. No one cares to help and no one knows to. The person I trusted the most has turned away and I'm left feeling hurt, alone and played. Does anyone care out there? I'm sick of this stupid life. I haven't talked to anyone in days and still they act like I'm fine. I'm sick of talking. Nothing changes. Nothing ever changes. I was alone before Vikki and alone I am again.

I look at people now and I hate them. I hate every inch of them. Their smiles, their laughs. Their love which they get and squander freely. I know how special love is and I would take care of it. But the person I thought would do the same didn't give a fuck. They just didn't care. And now I'm here. Here in this fantasy world of video games and blogs just to keep alive. Because when I'm not pouring what's left of my soul into someone's ear or computer screen, I can't breathe. I can't breathe and I can't live.

Maybe I shouldn't at all.

Cliques Suck

On other news, my venture in merging back into onsite life at school went well. The week went well and I'm probably going to back onsite next term, although there was one sour moment which ruined everything a tad. But before I get into that, I must tell you that I got my diploma and graduated from the first stage of the school. Hopefully I will get it framed or something, but at least I have something to stick on my resume. Anyway, back to the drama which is my life...

Well, at the old campus we used to play cricket every lunch time and break. By us, I mean a group of students, teachers and tech supports. However, there was some ill-feeling between me and one shop assistant who took exception to me for some reason (I suspect me playing a prank with his shop sign, having him swear at me and then me have him get talked to by the principal, might have something to do with it - although the prank was on another employee, but he happened to be the grumpy SOB which found it first). And now this happens.

Yesterday, the two tutors which we used to play with were out playing cricket together. As soon as I went up to them they said it was time to go and then they left with me just standing there. I passed it off, but today I went up to play and they said that I couldn't because they didn't want me to break a window. Then I said I'd just bowl, to which one replied that they didn't want me to because it's the only time they get away from other students. So I said I'd just field and not talk, to which he added that he'd "Said all he had to say". Okaaay...

Anyway, there was this random kid who lived around the area and they let him bat and bowl, but they just kept on missing me out on the bowling and batting cycles. They're both jerks and it's probably something liken to a mixture of jealousy of my bowling and gossip from said ape in the shop who probably has been bad mouthing me all term. They almost made me not want to come back, but I say fuck em because I can run and walk rather than play cricket with poofy-looking fuck heads. Take the ball and shove it up your arse and then follow it with the bat you cunts.

Other than that, my week was good. And now it is holidays, so I don't have to see them for a month. Not that they could even look at me anyway, cowards. I dunno, some people are tard burgers.

Love/Hate

These past few days have been strange for me. Every day I go through at least one cycle of loving and then hating Vikki, or vice versa. This is why I've barred myself from sending her messages - the one in the morning will sing her praises and profess how I love her. The one in the afternoon says she's mucking me around and that I wish I'd never met her. If I make it to midnight, I'll usually send an apology saying how much I love her again. I don't know what to make of it.

I haven't checked my email in nearly 4 days now, a short time to some, but an agonizingly long period for me. I know that if I succumb to my inner voice and check them, I'll only be disappointed to see that she has not sent me anything. However, the little ounce of annoying hope inside me screams to check my emails because she's probably sent me something. What an optimist.

I really am trying to forget her but everything around me is remind me so much of her. Anything Australian or to do with unicorns or anything we shared together just drives me crazy. And to top it all off, I met an Australian girl yesterday who looked exactly like Vikki and loved photography and, believe it or not, was named Nikki. It's as if they're taunting me, whoever is in charge of this life of mine. It doesn't help that I'm sick and must dwell indoors with only my thoughts to accompany me.