Tired

I feel different some how. I'm upset now not because of what I've lost and how unfair everything is, but more because I'm just sad Vikki has chosen to leave because I love her. She's got it stuck in her mind that she cannot be in a relationship until she is ready. But what she doesn't get is that when she is ready is only up to her, not some random sign from the heavens. Until she gets that she'll just be stuck in this limbo forever. And it's a real shame - she wants to be with me and I with her, but it'll never be until she understands she's the master of her own universe.

I think it's pretty near to me having met her exactly 1 year ago. I want to be able to celebrate this with someone. I want to be in a relationship with her. It's so frustrating because she's not just messing around with her life, but mine too. She never gave me a choice or say in anything that's happened and there's no way I can fix anything. If she wanted to be a good girlfriend, then all she needed to do was do that. It's hilarious because she didn't know how simple being a good girlfriend was and yet she left because she didn't know how.

I never asked her to be perfect. I never said we couldn't work on these problems together. I certainly am not perfect. It's just so warped I don't even know what to say any more. I must say that it is getting easier though. It really is. I'm beginning to notice myself thinking of a future without Vikki and finding someone else and how silly it all is in the end. But on the other hand, I'm also finding out how much I love her. But is it love or just my fear of not finding someone else?

Admittedly, I'm scared no one else will find me attractive. My hair isn't growing back and I can't stay wrinkle-free forever. How am I ever going to find someone I'm so attracted to, so emotionally linked to and who cares about me like she did? Someone who is willing to put up with my bullshit sometimes and someone who can get kinky or romantic with me? I'm scared, but I know it's probably possible. I just don't want to be wasting these prime years of my life. She shouldn't be either. Even if it's not with me, I just want her to be happy. It'll kill me if it isn't with me, but if I know she's happy then I really wont care.

I do not understand how anyone would want to be alone. It's so great having someone special there to tag along and know what you're going through. To have someone to trust and talk to. There's something I wanted to say, but I just can't remember it now. My thoughts are so muddled it's not even funny. I just want to hold her and kiss her. I want to show someone the love I have. Someone special and who loves me back. I wanted it be her. It should be her. I don't just throw "The One" out there, but she knew that's how I felt and she said she felt the same too.

You don't do this to the one. If they are the one, then who cares if you aren't the best at a relationship, you know they'll still be there in the end. They'll give you the space you need to fix yourself up, but don't just walk away. And if they're not the one, then she should've just told me. I'm afraid to say she's being very selfish. People who want to be with one another don't do this. And I apologize if she didn't want to get committed so early on in her life, but she knew I did and she had said the same. I love her, I really do. I know it's a big deal to plan your life with someone else in mind, but that's about being partners. It's about being one.

Why can't two people be in love and end up together? God gives love to schmucks and assholes, and he can't give a break to someone who would cherish a woman forever. Someone who believes in true love. It all just blows my mind. It's bullshit really. I just wish Vikki would at least see it's her choice, not anybody else's. Not some sign or magical signal that she's ready. No one is ready. I just want to know if we'll be together when she's ready, if she'll ever be ready or if not. If not, I can just move on. It'll break my heart, but I know it's for the best.

I dunno, I've just been saying the same things to myself every night before bed and whenever I'm feeling down or unsure: "I am a good person", "I am desirable", "There is a life after Vikki", "I will find someone else", "I am a good boyfriend" and "Everything is going to be okay". I hate being positive about myself because I hate big-heads. But I know it's true. I know I'm a good person and if I can fake it until I make it, then I'll be a positive person in no time. As soon as I've finished telling myself that I always feel so much better.

Everyone I've told my sob story to thinks I'm a catch and that Vikki doesn't know what she's missing out on. But the thing is, I'm not vindictive like that - I still love her so very much. And to tell the truth, and I know I shouldn't be putting myself down, but I don't think I'm that big a catch. I know I'm an excellent boyfriend, but I'm not the hottest guy and I'm certainly not the most bullet-proof either. And I know that if anyone else went through what I did with Vikki they'd never date her, but I can't help but be madly in love with her.

I feel like I'm going off track now, but I just miss her and I want to know if I should stay or go. I'm just sick of talking about it. I just want to fly to Australia and pick Vikki up and love her. Show her that we don't need to be alone and that problems don't matter. But this is no romance movie. This is real life and in real life shit happens.

I just really hope I can tell my kids about this one day. Whether they're Vikki's or someone else's, I do not know. I just hope I have some so all this crying and pain isn't in vain.

What To Do

Well I feel a tiny bit better. The feelings of suicide and ending it all have passed - I think it was just the shock of finding out Vikki could be so cold that really threw me. What's the most disappointing now is my phone counselor - she tries her best but she hasn't given me any tools to help deal with things or change my life. And worst yet, I can only talk for an hour before she begins to wind things up. It just highlights the fact I need to talk to my parents now - they can be there to help me and they don't have a time limit. My mum made an effort last night to talk to me and not get angry, but it'll take a while to get things where I need them to be.

So now what? I just wait for Vikki to reply and grace me with her presence? I can't seem to move on without getting closure from her and I just want to do it by myself. But to tell the truth, I'm still madly in love with her and I know I'm a fool. But what do I do now? I feel like one of those girls sitting by the phone waiting for a date to ring, only wait all day for nothing. A day wasted. But in this case, it's been two months and not a day. Why can't she just be nice and do something which will help me unimaginably? I've had so much to say and ask which you only can when the person is there.

The thought of her and that asshole Tracy spending time together for hours when she knew I wanted to talk to her is just so hard to get over. It's just so inconsiderate. I cannot believe the saying "You reap what you sow". The way I get treated sometimes it's like I'm the worst person in the world. I was ever considerate of Vikki's feelings and would talk when she wanted to at the drop of a hat. If she was down I'd go and pick her up and if she was lonely I'd go and spend time with her. If someone picked on her, I stood up for her and stopped talking to the person. She never did that. And now she not only spends time with that person for hours, but completely drops me when I need to talk, feeling lonely and hurt and betrayed.

Why do I still love her? Why can't I move on? Why do I need closure so much? I just really hope that Vikki shows some compassion and just talks to me. That's all I want. I only ever wanted her to be happy because I love her, and yet if she loved me, surely she'd want the same? I'm clearly unhappy and yet she still avoids me. Love doesn't end when the relationship ends. You always love people in one form or another. Even a stranger on the street I feel love for and would console if they felt sad. And yet, I'm not even a stranger to her any more. It's just so... rejected. I really do not think she gets it at all. Maybe I was too nice being so considerate. I could've been cruel and told her when she wanted to take a break that we were over and that she meant nothing to me. I could've been a guy who hurt her. But I wasn't.

The most important thing now is that I don't want to become this pain I feel. I hope I can get through this. Well, so because my counselor couldn't help, I guess I'll need to come up with a plan. I want to be that happy and outgoing, happening guy which I was when I was with Vikki. I'd treat people with respect and care about things. I'd feel like I was worth something. I had goals and dreams that did not just include Vikki. I'd laugh and smile. I miss that guy. So what's the plan? To be honest, all I can think about is just getting a reply from Vikki and making it through until then. If I have to send her an email every day, I will. I don't care if I sound crazy - I need closure and I need to talk. It's my life and God damn it I want it to be good again.

It's Started Again

It's 7:30 am and it's started again. I didn't even get a good sleep. Not only did I have dreams about Vikki betraying me, but it also threw Laura in there too, just to make sure I woke up remembering all the betrayals of yesterday. I do not know what to do. I've got 12 hours before I can talk to anyone who knows what I'm going through. I know I'll be checking messages and my emails to see if she's sent me anything, and she wont have. Then the thoughts will just be bouncing around in my head until I speak to my counselor. And even then I suspect I'll be fine for a day, until Vikki either replies with something I don't expect or doesn't reply at all. Then it'll start all over again.

I'm shivering all over and I cannot do anything but get up and walk to random edges of the room and look blankly into an object. I'm losing it. It's taking all of me to write this and I feel like such a loser. There's this part of my which cannot do anything to untangle itself from this mess - this part might as well be all of me. Then there's this other part watching it all unfold, helpless to do anything. What if I'm already insane and I don't know it. Great, now I'll never find anyone. And why am I so obsessed with finding someone? What the fuck is wrong with me?! I just want to do what normal people do. I want a girlfriend who just says "Fuck you, I don't love you anymore". And when that happens, I want to just be the guy who goes out on the town with a few mates and comes back refreshed.

But no, I'm not like that. I cannot understand why. It is all fucked and today is already more than I can bear. If my mum wakes up and I can't fake happiness well enough, I really cannot be bothered putting up with her today also. So I've just got under 12 hours left. 12 hours until I know my thoughts are appreciated and heard by someone physical at the other end. Someone who cares. I just want someone to make it stop. I can't even breathe and Vikki is out there having a great time. It's more than I can handle. I want her to be happy. But I want her to be fair and when you've said we can't talk and everything to someone you supposedly loved, that's not fair. Not fair when you then just go and have a great time and not tell him you have time to talk. Even for 5 minutes. 

Oh my God oh my God oh my God. I cannot do this. Every second of every minute, all that I'm sad over comes rushing back in. All my mistakes, the what ifs, the regrets and sorrow from my life. I just want it to stop!

Betrayal

Today was bad, but tonight was getting better. I mean, I hadn't thought of topping myself for at least a whole 6 hours and I was feeling confident. Life, doesn't it have a sense of humour. I randomly just started looking at a site and saw to my surprise that Vikki has been online. For days. And not only that, but with Tracy! So here I am, the supposed "love of her life" and not only has she not said anything, or made any notion to talk despite my numerous attempts to (all greeted with "I'm too busy"), but she then goes and hangs out with the very guy who started the big fight which ruined us in the first place!

As soon as I saw it I felt like vomiting. I've felt like vomiting before, but never like this. I felt like crying and vomiting and slitting my wrists all with one clean motion. And I still might. I cannot do this. I'm out. I want this stupid charade to be fucking over. I poured my heart and soul into that woman and she's out without a care in the world. As I write this, I can't breathe, I can't think and I certainly cannot cope. Oh my God this is so fucking shit. And nobody fucking cares. Let's just have a fucking shit on Spawn Man day eh?

And no, it's not just her. Today an old friend - if we can even call her that - made out like she wanted to reconcile with me. Turns out she only wanted to betray me with her boyfriend. It's a long story which, unfortunately, I have time to tell. Basically, she's married (we'll call her Laura for now) and was having an online affair. She confided in me and I tried to help her. It worked for a while, then she gave up and went back to her bit on the side. I didn't like it, she took offense and she got all shitty and blocked me from contacting her. Out of the blue she sends me a message saying she's sorry and I come on tonight to sort it out. Turns out she shares her accounts with her boyfriend and they both start attacking me and rubbing in the fact they're having an affair online. And this is a woman with a husband and kids and a doctor's career!

Who finds love? Shit-heads like that. She had the looks (on the outside anyway), the career, the husband and the children. She doesn't even have to lift a finger and she can have her family. What does she do? Treats it like it means nothing to her. Squanders it. Not only that, openly flaunts the fact she's got two guys on the side all over her website. That's a cold bitch. And as for me? I try my hardest to find love and even the ones I get I can't keep. People who deserve things never get them and those who will only squander them always end up stinking of them.

So today has been hectic for me. And I'll agree, it's all online. But online isn't necessarily unreal. It's very real. There's real emotions and love and hate. Real people. You're reading my life and I'm real. You're real (hopefully). Anyone who says that things online are no big deal gets a bad mark in my books. But now I can't even enjoy myself online any more. Whether it's drama from an online girlfriend who I love, or someone I only tried to help turning on me with her boyfriend, or a group of players who betray me because they don't like the way I play, or things which remind me of all of them - it's all taking it's toll. 

I'm on a thin wire and a wind is coming. I can feel my life just hanging there, just wishing it can make it across before the next gust. These last few days I've never felt so alone. I haven't eaten or spoken in the last few days and my parents still do not even sense the real danger I'm in. And yet I can't tell them. All I can think about is just how I'm going to kill myself, who'd turn up to my funeral, if anyone would even care. About how my death would affect anyone, if I'd be tormented by having to watch Vikki continue on with her life or if my parents would cope. If I'd be scared after I'd done it and wish someone would save me, only to find my parents were watching television or something. Or if there'd just be a big black nothing and that it really was worth sticking around to at least make some contribution even if I was miserable. Maybe I should go out with a blaze and take out my bitch of a grandmother and cunt of an uncle with me. Or maybe I should just disappear and never be found.

Never before have I felt like this. So utterly betrayed and unloved. I'll admit, I was a bit weird sometimes in our relationship or go upset at odd things, but I was always reasonable and always tried my best. I knew when I'd done wrong and apologized. I knew when to comfort Vikki and when to support her. I bought her expensive gifts and returned them because she didn't wear earrings. So I'd buy her necklaces instead. I offered my home, my money and my heart to her. I never asked for it back. I did all this and yet I'm not even worth talking to. Not even a piece of shit on everyone's shoe. I'm praying for someone to just stand up and stop this film and go "Hey, this isn't fair!". But it's no film. There's no rewind or pause. There's a play and if I choose, a stop. The question is: Is the film going to get better?

Is the film going to give the guy a break? Is his life going to get better? Or is everything just going to spin out of control? All I know is that I want my parents to get out of the house and me and a bottle of strong alcohol are going to get acquainted. I don't even care which one - I've never been a drinker and even the smallest bit gets me tipsy. All I want is the one which will make me forget the most. The one which will be my friend and do something no one else can do - just stop this. And I mean, being upset at night I can cope with usually. But I'm waking up sad. It's like the sleep was just a short break in the nightmare and now I have a whole day ahead to endure. Another day of not being able to breathe. Another day of finding out just how much I'm unloved.

I just hope I make it until 7pm tomorrow. That's when my counselor's shift begins and I have someone I can talk to other than this stupid blog. And it really is stupid. A record of my stupid life for all to see. I hope you're all entertained. I hope God, you big fat fuck sitting in your angel-covered shit, I hope you're entertained. I'm sick of believing in someone just because we're all too scared to admit that there's nothing else out there. We all go to die in a cold fucking place and there's no afterlife. Just black and nothing. If there was a heaven then it'd pick me up now because everyone knows I've never done a bad deed in my entire life worthy of any of this and I don't want to have to commit suicide. I just want this to stop. 

The worst I've ever done is eat a chocolate in a store when I was a toddler and write my name on a wall at work and school. I've sworn at my parents and I've been a pain sometimes, but they know they wouldn't swap me for anyone else. I don't stay out, I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, have sex (God knows I try), I bring home good grades and I can socialize with the ability of more than a pea. So in the best humour I can muster at this moment - What gives? Why the fuck can't I just get a break? Okay, she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she's busy at work and everything. But do I need to know she's online and hanging out with the people who broke the camel's back? Do I really need to know that I'm that fucking unloved that the person I gave my heart and soul to really doesn't give a fucking shit whether I have a heart attack from all the stress or not? Do I really?!

Look do whatever. I don't know who that's directed at, but it can apply to everyone. Everyone can go get fucked. God, you can for obvious reasons. You want to smite me with your high and mighty powers? Fucking do it big guy! You useless sack of shit! At least make someone happy and fucking kill me right now. You readers. Do whatever the hell you want. Want to continue reading this fucking shit? Be my guest. You want to leave? Go ahead. I really do not care. Vikki? Well you can do whatever too! We've all got free choice here and you've chosen door number three - being an uncaring cow who seemingly cares more for just about everyone other than me. Congrats, you get the new car! As for me - you can do whatever too. All those rules which you spent your life making to make you a good person? A good, deserving person? Well all that is bullshit because it gets you nowhere buddy! As of now, the rules are off and you are free. Go drink and get fucked up because while you're at it, flip a coin and if it's heads, you get to to slit your wrists and if it's tails, find some long-worded drug and swallow the whole box.

As for everyone else? You can kiss my ass. Maybe my problems aren't as big as others'. But I don't give a shit. Keep the orphans in Africa speech for someone who hasn't hit rock bottom. All my life I've been bullied by people who don't care. Sometimes I don't think my parents care. The woman which showed me unconditional love and to which I gave my heart. She doesn't care. I'm always last to get picked. Always the overlooked one and the hated one. The guy which treats all the girls with respect and they take out the bad boy anyway. The guy who sits and wonders how people can have meaningless sex and can squander away a family and love like it means nothing. The kid who will always stick up for you against bullies, but is always left to stand up for himself when they turn on him. The guy who trusts and gets burnt and still wants to be loyal to you. The guy who is me.

I'm that guy. But no more. I'm sick of this fucking guy.

Breathless

Today has been so very hard for me already. From the moment I woke up I've felt this pain in my heart, thinking of Vikki. I can hardly breathe and my lungs feel heavy. The more I've thought about it, the worst it's gotten. No one to talk to with my councillor off duty and no friends or family to confide in, it's been me alone who's had to bear this burden. This cross I bear on my shoulders every day. No one to care enough. And me not giving them the chance to. I can't take this pain any longer. Not knowing what to do or how to fix it. The frustration at not being able to change a damn thing. This marathon I must run every day. I'm sick of running it. Over and over every day. The other runners streaking ahead while I flail helplessly at the back. And just before I finish I'm transported back to the start again.

There must be something I can do or change to feel happy again. Vikki doesn't want to be in a relationship. There's nothing I can do. She obviously cares nothing for my feelings. Nothing I can do there either. Will I ever find love again or be happy? I don't know. Everything out of my hands. I want control! I need the control of my life again!

Even I don't know what I want any more. I just wish I could go back in time and just say "I don't care if you hang out with Dick and Tracy". It would hurt me unbelievably, but maybe if we grew closer together down the road she'd listen to me more later and see it was hurting me. Anything would be better than this. I thought I was out of this rut. This all consuming hole which feeds and feeds on me until I'm nothing but a skeleton stripped bare. Nothing but a shell with tendons and hurt dripping from my flayed flesh. No one cares to help and no one knows to. The person I trusted the most has turned away and I'm left feeling hurt, alone and played. Does anyone care out there? I'm sick of this stupid life. I haven't talked to anyone in days and still they act like I'm fine. I'm sick of talking. Nothing changes. Nothing ever changes. I was alone before Vikki and alone I am again.

I look at people now and I hate them. I hate every inch of them. Their smiles, their laughs. Their love which they get and squander freely. I know how special love is and I would take care of it. But the person I thought would do the same didn't give a fuck. They just didn't care. And now I'm here. Here in this fantasy world of video games and blogs just to keep alive. Because when I'm not pouring what's left of my soul into someone's ear or computer screen, I can't breathe. I can't breathe and I can't live.

Maybe I shouldn't at all.

Once In A Sad Moon

I went for a drive with my parents around the harbour and ocean tonight. The moon sat low on the horizon and loomed bigger and bigger as it rose about the mountains. Behind the yellow hue I could see the sad face it hid. It was such a beautiful moon. It was such a sad moon. Sad because it reminded me of myself. A hollow vessel drifting along this sea of rage and sadness, giving light to others but keeping none for myself. Behind the bright yellow hue, lies a dark side to this sad moon. But no one can see it. No one but me.

As we drove around, my parents unknowing to the agony of my thoughts in the back seat, my mind drifted to Vikki once more. Everything that was promised to me is gone. All the time we spent, all the dreams, all the good moments. Gone. This drive should've been us. We should've been gazing upon that sad moon together, contemplating its loneliness and being thankful we didn't feel the same. How can someone, anyone, throw all that away just like that? I did nothing wrong to her and yet in the space of a month she has turned on my like I'm the worse possible choice in her life. And yet I can't help but wonder.

What if? What if is a damned sentence. What if things had been different? What if? I'm sick of these thoughts. They internalize in my stomach and rebound in there like naughty children. I have no escape from them - too sad to go for a walk, too angry to not. My parents are not ones I can talk to - I mean their intentions are good but we are on completely different wave-lengths. And so I've been forced to talk to some stranger.

For a while now I've been ringing a youth help line. Even if they don't come up with answers, it helps just to voice these thoughts and have someone listen. I feel so alone sometimes. My family, Vikki, my friends. Even this blog reassures me that no matter what stranger reads it, I'm completely alone in this world. At a time when my feeling are getting worse, I just want someone to be there for me. To hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay.

And really, my feelings are getting worse. Not the intensity, but their shyness. Days go by and I feel fine. Some days better than fine. But as soon as I begin to express myself or put my feelings into words like I am now, they seem to resurge forth with increased vigor. One day I'll have forgiven Vikki, but seeing her name or picture, and I'll cry for the night. I'll have a good day and one sad moon will bring out the melancholy in me. I'll not talk to anyone thinking I can handle my emotions, and then one call to a counsellor and I suddenly feel sadder than ever from the words which come spilling out. All these feelings and all these emotions. I really have stopped trying to decipher them and just let them take me over. I give up, I really do. But at the same time, I'm scared.

I don't want to become my feelings. I don't want to become an irritable man who wont let anyone love him. But how can I recover from this wound where Vikki placed her knife so deeply? And she really did. I was willing to die for her, to spend the rest of my life with her and to make her happy. And to have all that thrown back in my face. To be told basically it's not good enough and that it doesn't matter. To just be thrown aside because Vikki got a new job. It is devastating and I cannot cope. I'm happy on the outside, yet deep down I'm more distraught than magma. But worst yet, my own feelings are beginning to become unknown to me. The emotions I was once so in tune with are hiding themselves deep within me until they burst forth at the most varied moments. How can I cope with anger and rage and sadness, when even I don't know when I'm harboring them any more?

I want Vikki back so much. I love her. Maybe I'm a fool, but I am sad because she deserves to be treated right and on my life, I would've done that. All these things I want to do for my partner - flowers, gifts, love and words - and even the woman who said she loved them and me dearly, doesn't want them any more. I am at a loss. I really do give up. Coming into this I was a lovable, kind and caring young man who believed in God and love and fairness. Now I've come away Godless, cruel, twisted and torn and most wizened than I would have liked.

If I had a time machine I would've gone back and changed things. My councilor reassures me it wasn't my fault, and I do believe that all of this is Vikki's doing as she was the one who simply gave up, but now seeds of doubt have begun to creep into my mind. Maybe I'm not as lovable as I thought. Maybe all my good partner traits and love which I gave was too much? Maybe I'm too intense? And that's my fear. That even if a woman gets past my average looks, that in time she'll realize that even my personality isn't good enough and leave me like Vikki has. Every good friend that's ever left me, maybe it was me that pushed them away? Every time someone bullied me, maybe it was my fault? The arguments I have with my parents, maybe I'm just a bad son? Maybe I'm too blame for everything - they say to take responsibility, but is this too much?

Deep down, a part of me knows this isn't true. But another also tells me it is. And tonight, no one is here to tell me that I'm not to blame for everything. That I was a good boyfriend and a good son and a good person. No one is here because I'm alone as I always am. Maybe it'd just be better if I removed myself from this wretched life if it's all my fault. Why should I just wait around for me to just force away another person, or think that I have? What happens when the next girl finds out I'm damaged goods. I cry out that I'm not! But do I really believe myself?

And out there in the cold night is the sad moon. Look at me it screams out to the people watching it. Every fake smile and every grimace leaves it feeling further from home. Leaves it feeling more alone than before. And yet it shines on, deciding whether to just set into the starry night for good or continue this charade. This charade of not knowing it's feelings. Of not knowing if it's to blame. Of not being able to cope. Of being taken for granted and unappreciated. Of feeling helpless and stuck in a hole that's closing on him. I can't struggle with these feelings forever. Eventually one will destroy the other. Do I let my emotions take over or do I find some way to force them out? Every day that passes I can feel myself slipping. More and more into a coma. So deep that I will not even be aware when it's all too late for me.

I stare out at that sad yellow moon resting on the horizon and wonder if somewhere out there, Vikki is looking at that same sad yellow moon and thinking of me. And then I think better...

Dreams

I had such a vivid dream of Vikki last night. I woke up pretty sad as you do when you realize it is only a dream. We were making love and it was just really nice. And it's funny because I never have sex dreams - in fact I categorically always wake up before the damn dream can get to the business. But no, it just had to let me know what I was missing out on in my dream this time. Just to torture me.

I really can't be bothered with the whole thing any more, yet I can't seem to shake this underlying sense of rage and pain. Every time I want to do something I always procrastinate it and get angry. All the stuff I had dreamed of doing once Vikki was gone, to make myself happy, is now on the back burner. I want to do things, but something inside me holds me back. I can't quite tell what's going on but I hope to ride it out. Before it's too late.

Well, my birthday came and went. No notes from my family. I've either been disowned or forgotten by everyone but my parents. Even random people off the internet sent me more birthday greetings than my estranged relatives. One lone card from my parents sits on the mantel piece, but to be honest, it's all I need. They really did treat me to a wonderful day and I hope to make them proud by being the man I should be as I grow older.

And I am proud of myself. I am a good guy. I hate to blow my own horn, but no one else seems to want to. Vikki was damn lucky to have me and it really irks me that she thinks it fit to just toss me aside whenever she wants. Well screw her. I bent over backwards for her and I challenge her to find anyone better. I know I'm flawed now, but I know it's from all she's put me through. Hopefully as soon as this feeling of anger passes, I'll be my old self again.

Let's just hope that it passes...

A Lonely Road Ahead

Well, it's official. Me and Vikki are over. She has a funny way of timing things, contacting me only days before my birthday (she had previously broke up with me on Valentine's Day). I thought it wouldn't affect me as much as it has, but it did. I felt a mixture of anger, sadness and numbness, but overall a little bit of relief that it was finally all done. I haven't had long to sort out my emotions just yet, but I'll tell you what she said (since I know you're just dyyying to find out... not really, but you'll listen anyway...).  After that random birthday message from Vikki and my angry message in return, I felt bad for swearing so much and just asked for someone answers. 

She replied that she just wasn't ready for a relationship and that she was sorry she had hurt me and that it'd turned out like this. Although to be honest, I don't think she was really sorry or that she even cared all that much. I still feel kind of used and abused in a way - good for making her come and making her feel good on her bad days, but cast aside like a paper towel when she gets a new job and has a little scare about her self-worth. Sorry didn't mean to kiss and tell there, but truly, obviously it was a gift that I got out now before I found out she couldn't be in a relationship rather than if we were married or living together.

Although she didn't specifically say that she didn't want to be with me any more, I'm not prepared to wait for what is obviously going to be a very long time before she's ready for a relationship. I can see when a relationship has drifted south and even in my limited experience I knew that there was no changing that. It's a real shame because we both loved each other and we could've been really good together. Personally, she put up too many obstacles to move through and I don't think she really wanted us to succeed. So I sent an email back saying that it was obviously over between us and tried to end it in the nicest way possible.

I guess I was hoping for the whole "No, we can make this work! I love you so much" response from her (there's been no response yet) but I'm guessing that wont be it if there is even a response from her. I just feel so emotionally drained. I was in a mall today and didn't even feel like trying for the girls there. Honestly, I can't be bothered with girls at the moment. All that revealing myself to Vikki and forming a relationship with her - it's just so draining to have to start all over again that I really can't be blowed to do all that again right now. Even if the perfect girl was delivered to me on a silver platter I would still probably say no. Heck, it'd probably be easier just to turn gay. I really am done with girls right now.

I'm just so scared that I won't find anyone else like her. Or even anyone else just to put up with me. What if I'm scarred now? I mean, I'm already finding it hard opening up to other people - I find myself reserving myself more and more with new people. And I'm sad because this is it. Our relationship is over. There's not going back, no turning around. For the rest of my life I will never see her again or know her. I won't know if she's happy. Won't know if she regrets losing me. Won't know if she's even alive or dead or where she's going or been. Like a line being cut forever, it's just gone. I always get upset about people who come into my life and then leave and this is no exception.

Well, for me it looks like a lonely road for a while. I'm actually looking forward to just cutting out all that clutter of relationships and girls and just focussing on myself. My art, my hobbies and doing things which will make me feel great. I know that before I'd usually say that it would be nice to have someone to share it with, but honestly right now, I couldn't feel anything farther from it. A bachelor's time for me my dears and it's going to be great (hopefully...). I just hope I don't turn into one of those chauvinistic bastards which get too used to a bachelor's life, but knowing me, I wont (again, hopefully...).

Meh, I think I worry to much. Time for some rest and relaxation. Wish me luck.

Oh and by the way, food poisoning absolutely sucks. Don't ever eat rice from a delicatessen. It sucks...