Back Inside My Mask

My spirits high, my outlook bright - the last thing I thought was that I'd put my mask back on after being released from its' prison for so long. But back the mask is regardless. I've found myself lying again to those I encounter; I can't even tell co-workers where I study anymore or a girl how old I really am. I just lie my pants off. I guess the whole ordeal with Vikki really has dented my self-confidence again, and what better way to protect myself than through this iron mask which I place over my face.

I guess I should know better than to lie. Lying has gotten me into all kinds of trouble in the recent past, and will probably continue to do so if I don't stop. My problem is that I think no one will find out my lie. If I lie about my age, or where I study, or an imaginary date, I think I can manipulate the situation and keep my story real and living. But the reality is that if the truth doesn't come out one way or another, I still lose because every time I don't reveal my true self to someone I meet, I feel just that bit more alone.

But what other way do I know to protect myself? I seem to do it without even thinking and examine the consequences later. I guess deep down, I have some sort of justification where it's okay to keep myself hidden from the world. Like my idol Batman, I live two lives: One which only I know and the other the mask which I parade around like some jester. 

But somehow, this time it feels different. Last time I was inside my mask, I didn't know which was the real me, the mask or the person wearing it. And yet now, I know that the mask is not me at all. I recognize it and can own it. I manipulate this mask to whatever I want, while still knowing myself inside. I can hardly see how this makes things better. Before I was misguided and I did not know myself. Now? I know myself but I still use this mask to hide my true nature for some reason? Am I just a liar at heart?

Whatever the case, my lies still grow and fester like the plague on my skin. Maybe this mask isn't the one I grew up with. It feels new and foreboding. Maybe this mask isn't meant to protect me at all; maybe it's just a liar's mask. Maybe I should know better.

The Bitch Is Dead

Sorry. I don't like swearing, but I couldn't think of a more fitting title - and may I warn you, ranting may follow as I let out all the anger I've been holding in for the last 6 months... Well, you can all rest assured I'm not going to be wasting my money on anything but Batman comics - far from the hundred of dollars I'd be wasting on a pointless trip to try and win Vikki back. The last few weeks have been painful for me, an all too familiar roller-coaster of feeling great and worse. But tonight has been the worst. Imagine my surprise when I check my emails for that usual "No new messages!" sign, but instead find a message from Vikki. Hence the bitch reference.

Well, I want nothing more to do with that girl. For everything I did for her, for every night I cried over her for, to find such a cold, heartless email really broke my heart in a way, and yet released it in another. For starters, she couldn't even care enough to stop using "text speak" in her break up letter - although again, she didn't actually say we were broken up in that concise way. I guess it's her way of thinking she's not a bitch without a heart.

In regard to my pleas for us to talk or at least say goodbye, she goes on to say "u'v written alot over the time we actutally havent spoken so i dont think there is much left to say". Well sorry I gave a shit about your feelings at all and wanted to break up like a normal person instead of inevitably hating your guts like I do now. In regard to me questioning why she hasn't replied to my emails under her pretense of "my internet is broken" when her brother has been online several times, she says "yeh sure my bro has prob been on...i wouldnt no, iv moved out and am living with a mate from work." Translation: "I'm not even attempting to hide my lack of caring now and oh yeah, my mate is actually some fuck buddy which was more convenient than spending time with you just because you wanted to try".

The kicker was "u'v talked about moving on and i believe this is something u must do!!". Translation: "Dude, stop bugging me, I'm banging some new guy - why are you incapable of being as heartless as me??" Well I guess all this amounts to, in her special way, of Vikki saying goodbye once and for all. Fuck her. Really, fuck her. I'm a nice guy. I would've done anything for her. I did everything I could for her. I treated her nicely and I put up with her flaws just as she did mine. Fuck, I even shared my deepest thoughts with her and left myself vulnerable and defenseless. And now she treats me like this? Not even good enough to consider talking to. I thought only guys sent "Dear John" letters via email and texts?

And the saddest part is, it's all starting to fade away. I've forgotten her voice, her giggle, what we used to do together, why it all ended, how it all started. Everything. It's like she never even existed. And that's probably how it should be. But I swear, that girl really did take 20 years off my life. Seriously, if I'm ever like that to another human being, when I love them and leave them and then act like they don't exist, I want you to find me and put me down. Just shoot me. Really. She didn't act with one ounce of integrity or compassion. If she had wanted to talk to say goodbye or for me to put her out of her misery, I'd have done it in a heart beat.

But you know what? That's never happened to me. All my relationships have been one-sided. I've never had a girl ever say to me "Let's just talk" or a friend say they really needed to repair things and me to then say say no. I'm always hospitable. I'm always thinking of others. I guess I really did have the wool pulled over my eyes with this one. What an immature, cold-hearted bitch Vikki turned out to be. I guess I'm going to save my heart and love for someone who deserves it and really is going to cherish it.

Well, this goes out to everyone who I ever whined to about my troubles and asked for advice from or cried to: Thank you. You know who you are. From America to Britain, to Australia to closer to home, people know about my crisis and some have been helpful, some not so helpful, but I just wanted to say, you never have to listen to me bitch about Vikki or all that shit ever again. I'm putting it to bed. I'm sure there'll be some sighs of relief heard throughout the world. 

But out of everyone, and I know she'll never be reading this, my biggest thanks goes to my mum. A week ago we had this big fight about how I could never talk to her about Vikki without her getting angry at me for being so sad. And then the next day she really tried and listened to me, without judgement, without comment - she just listened and it meant the world. I don't think I'd have taken today so well without her. So to you mum, I love you. Okay, Oscar ceremony over.

I'm sorry, I really don't know if anything I'm writing is making sense. It's just emotion and a kind of giddy high which I'm suppressing for now, about this sense of closure which I've gotten. It's over. It's really over. This huge chapter in my life. Closed. From learning to love, learning to be a good boyfriend, learning what not to do and about moving on. Eventually. Maybe a bit more experience than I really wanted, but heck, at least it's filled a few blog pages and hopefully gave some more insight to those readers out there, as well as a few nuggets of knowledge to mull over for myself. Here's a tip - don't get involved over the internet and don't give your heart away to a person who can't even say I love you in front of their brother and that can't meet you in case you bludgeon them to death like a psychic told them would happen. It's just not going to work.

So what now? I guess I'm a slightly-above attractive looking guy with a personality to make up for any physical impairments. I've got humour and wit, intelligence and compassion, empathy and kindness. I'm creative and honest and reliable and incredibly loyal. Shit, if I can't find anybody maybe there is a higher power up there working against me. But for now, I want to make sure this crazy Spawn Man which surfaced after Vikki left, never shows its' face again. I've got a lot to work on - the jealousy needs to go; I need to be more forgiving and laid back; and I certainly need to be more confident. And I've kinda let myself go a tad over the past few months - some exercise should be in order.

Well readers, how do I summarize this up? Such a massive brain wave of finality has finally hit me and there's not taking this one back. It's, as they would say, the final straw which broke the camel's back. It took a while, but I have finally realized who I really got into bed with and that she didn't really appreciate me or our relationship. Vikki was too immature, and ever though she was older than me in body, her spirit has a long road ahead. I think what's annoyed me the most is that my spirit was ready to go and was forced to stop because Vikki's wasn't ready. I feel like I've been preparing my whole life for marriage and now I just wanna freakin' get in there and start and do what I want to do. It's like peaking 3 years before the Olympics. But for now, I guess it's time to collect the pieces of my heart, my dignity and dust myself off - just get back into life and then back into love.

After this post, I don't think you'll ever read Vikki's name again on this blog. I'm sick of seeing how many megabytes of pain she's taken up on here. I've binged on her for the last 6 months. I think it's high time I made like a bulimic and purged into a toilet somewhere.

Rest in peace bitch.