Messing With My Mind

This whole online sex saga is really messing with my mind. Have I really become one of those guys I've always loathed? The kind which use women for sex and then cast them aside? The kind which are only interested in getting a girl's panties and not in the romance of it all? I know my intentions were never to harm or use her, but maybe it's just one step on the road to my demise.

My thoughts are a jumble and I feel like dirt. I feel like somehow what I did was wrong - but was the mindless urge to do these things with this girl wrong or was it how I did them that was? Normally I love the courtship, but when I was with her, being intimate in a very erotic way was exciting. At least until I realized it wasn't for me. And thus is my confusion. Do I enjoy romance or do I enjoy plain eroticism? Must the two be separate? Is my type of girl the one who would do that with me online? I think not. So why did I do it?

Time and again I frustrate myself. Most guys would be slapping each other high fives over snagging some girl online. Me? I have a life crisis. So maybe all is not lost. Maybe I was just in want of intimacy or confirmation that I was still desirable and found that was not the way best suited for me to find it. Or maybe I was just bored. Whatever the case, I'm questioning myself yet again and I don't like the answers.

I pride myself on being a gentleman. I knew when I was saying these things to her I was not being one. I knew I was going against my morals. It wasn't the intimacy of a couple who have been together for many years and want to share something special. No, it was of a back room screw. I think I've had my first dose of lust. I feel like a babe sucking on a lemon for the first time. The bright colours seem enticing, but it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. And now that I've had my first taste, where will it lead me? To make sure I never make the same mistake again? Or down a path for more?

I will admit, I am ashamed. Some may question why, but if you know me, I respect women. I know she said yes too, but I did something which was not in my nature and it scares me. If I can do this once, what else am I capable of? I feel the eyes of my peers upon me. Even you my readers. The kind, caring depressive is now just like every other bonehead you can find in a Girls Gone Wild video.

Maybe I should just forget about girls. I've got my studies. My work. My friends. time and again they give me nothing but heartache when I pursue them. Maybe I should just live my life and hopefully, in time, I'll be able to see what is normal and healthy for me in a relationship.

And maybe I'll have the guts to call myself a gentleman again.

Online Hook-Ups... And Break-Ups

"I don't seem to know what my end-game is. I certainly won't be in a physical relationship with any one of these people. They won't be sending me nude pictures and sexy texts..." How wrong I was. For all my lying, the sexy chats and pictures began with one of my online friends. I'm either too good at deceiving now, or maybe I really am desirable. Probably the former. But started it did. Innocent little teasing texts at first. Then the nude pictures and erotic messages.

But like a famous line from a movie I love so dear, I'm like a dog chasing cars. Even if I caught one I wouldn't know what to do with it. And so it was here. All my lying had once again resulted in a trusting girl sharing herself with me. Me. If it can even be called that. Some sick perversion of me. Vikki had done it and now again. Every sultry message like the embodiment of my lies before me.

Just three days after my first sexual encounter with this woman, I decided to end it. I'm just not that kind of guy. I like the mystery, the courtship. I want to date a girl. I'm not even that interested in sex! Every time we finished one of our sessions, I came away feeling dirty. Like scum. And knowing the only way I was in this situation was through lying, it made it even worse. I know it's cliche, but it really was me and not her. I know she wanted more. I knew I could never have it. To be so cruel, she wasn't even my type. I guess I'm just a jerk.

Online Hang-ups

It's a common misconception that the internet is linking us together in these high-tech times. For me, it couldn't be farther from the truth. It's a horrible place for people like me. People who don't necessarily fit into social groups in real life, who are smart and have a way with words. Who are so desperate for everyone to like them and to be what everyone wants them to be, that they'll use the internet as just another mask behind which to hide. That's me.

In real life, girls won't take a second look at me. People won't take a second look at me. It's not because I'm not charming or good looking, but almost as if they can sense it. As if some lingering stench surrounds me. Only a select few seem to move past the outer layer of me, into a place where few people have seen. It's been there all my life. Bullied from a young age, everyone seems to think they can have a piece of me. Even now, with people my own age. No matter how I act - confident or shy, serious or annoying, caring or indifferent - people either don't take me seriously, attack me or let me down. I've never even been on a date.

But online, no one can seem my face. No one can see me. I'm the master of masks and this is my greatest. I can use words and humour and pick any girl I want. I even managed to score myself an online girlfriend, which is further than I ever got in real life. I can be 18 or 20 or 22. I can be the magazine photographer or the apartment-dwelling bachelor. I can be six foot and have perfect hair. I can be what I know people want to hear. What will get me... What will it get me?

I don't seem to know what my end-game is. I certainly won't be in a physical relationship with any one of these people. They won't be sending me nude pictures and sexy texts. We'll never be best friends. And yet I mascaraed around like we will. I try to fit into their view and be what will get them to love me. So I'll be their best friend. But it's not me. It's never me. It's my mask. The real me is all alone, hidden out of view crying. Wondering why he even has to do this to himself. Why he can't be himself. Alone. And yet every girl I meet online I become older and manlier. The mere prospect of beginning an acquaintance with someone as me is terrifying. I guess deep down, I'm hoping against hope that someone will truly see the inner me and love him. That one of these beautiful people online will magically come out and be my best friend. But that's never going to happen. All that's going to happen is the fact I know that not only am I never going to be friends with these people in real life or online in any capacity I'd like, but that the person they're friends with isn't really me in any case!

Thank goodness Andy hasn't asked me my age yet. So far I've been getting into bars with him without being asked for my ID. I'm old enough, but he's nearly 30 and I don't think he knows just how young I am. Even my own body hides me. I'm so young and yet I can pass for someone in their late twenties. Just another way to hide.

I'm the master of masks.