Back Again At Misery Inc

Well after so many months of not having to write on this blog and profess how my life was deciding to screw me this time, I thought finally I might never have to write here again. Well I'm back, so obviously I'm wrong. Only this time, just like the stakes in life, the messes are bigger. It seems that as you grow up the problems grow with you. Spilling your drink and having your mum growl at you might seem like a huge problem when you're young. A girl dumping you might be one when you're a teenager. The problems get more and more mature as you do.

In the past few months I've matured a lot. I've learnt the trade of being a man. I don't know why now of all times, but I have. Jess taught me a lot - for a fling which I wasn't taking seriously, she sure has taught me how to be more forgiving, caring, and mature. We haven't spoken in a while, but things have been plain sailing ever since; I've started university and have begun to make friends; was beginning to get on consistently with my parents; be confident in myself and make decisions with the maturity you'd expect. Everything was great. Until yesterday.

I've been with my cricket team for two years now. Last season was great - I was the youngest there with lots of older guys teaching me how to play properly and friends to make. This season however, our keeper was selected as selector for the team. This unfortunately, spelled the end of my time at the cricket club. Our keeper is an okay guy, a bit of a he-man and definitely not someone I'd befriend, but he also plays indoor cricket. If you've ever played club cricket, then you'll know all about how indoor cricket can be violent, aggressive and unsporting at times. So with his election to selector, he invited all of his indoor cricket buddies over (they of course knowing they'd have a place in the team).

Almost immediately, the team dynamic changed. Most of the nice guys from the previous season left, with only a few older guys overlooking the newcomers. Because I was youngest, naturally these guys were going to assert their place in the team by singling me out. One guy in particular, we'll refer to him as Fag from now on, has been particularly harsh on me, with snide comments being made whenever he batted with me or whenever I made a mistake, he was always first to criticize. I can take constructive criticism, but he went above and beyond to be obnoxious. A few of the others joined in occasionally, but never on that level. The newer players never showed good sportsmanship, consistently arguing with the umpires and other teams. I play for fun and never say a bad word against anyone, no matter what. Some people just don't think that notion is viable.

Not being one for confrontations, I just let it slide. I can take a lot of pain. I'd come home distraught and beat myself up about my mistakes. But it was only one guy, so it wasn't so bad. But this weekend, it seemed as though most of the team had turned against me. Fag kept bossing me around when it wasn't his place, and when I missed a ball off his bowling (and to be honest, no one on the team could've reached it and it was only hit so far and fast because of his poor bowling) he continued to ridicule me and when I reacted, he told me to shut my mouth. Fuming, I continued, safe in the knowledge that his girlfriend is a chubby whale who keeps him under the thumb. But then at half time, the last straw was struck.

"Oh great, so you're opening the batting?" says I to Fred. "Yep" he replies. "You should go out there and smash it." To that, Fred replies, "I'm not taking batting advice from you Spawn Man." I wasn't giving any, nor was I attempting to be serious in my comment. One player being a prick to me was forgivable. Two? Well that was it. I rang my parents to pick me up. A mistake? Maybe. Did I do it? Yes. Can I change it? Nope.

My parents came and pretty much began swearing at the other players in my team who'd wronged me. To tell the truth, sure I'd have liked it to be handled differently, but my parents had been battling with my misery from the taunts at the club all season and had had enough - a mother bear protecting her cub as my mother put it. I was embarrassed and numb. I still am pretty numb about the entire debacle. I'd wanted to talk to them and possibly get them to help me talk to some of the older members of the team. But it went out of my hands and control rapidly, too rapidly for me to pull back before the bridges were burnt. I don't blame them - I know they were doing what they did from a good place and that they only want the best for me. I'm just annoyed they didn't consult with me before changing my life forever, but it's done now.

I left the ground with everyone looking back. Some were looking astonished. Some confused. Others with angry scowls on their faces. It does feel like a death. I had friends there. I felt like I was part of something. A team. And now it's gone. Forever. Forever is a long time. I sent a message to the team saying why I was leaving and that I was sorry it was to end like that. Since I've had a couple of replies and apologies, and a few saying that my parents were pathetic and that I should be ashamed and not come back to the team.

I'm struggling with that - should I have dealt with the problem on my own? Maybe they're right in the fact that I shouldn't have let my parents fight my battles (not that I asked them to). I feel more mature than ever, but am I really after this? By saying that their actions were okay, am I saying that I think it's okay to resolve issues like that? I don't want my parents to think that I despise what they did, but the way things ended doesn't sit right with me either. I can't make heads or tails of it right now. I feel exactly the same way as when my cat died and when I broke up with Vikki. I've been crying and upset, but now I feel like it's all a dream.

The worst thing is that it was cricket. If you know me, then you know I love two things more than anything: Cricket and Batman. And now I have to give one up because of the behaviour of the few assholes in my cricket team. Maybe I was the problem? Maybe I just took things too seriously? I always have a way of crashing and burning with any friendship, club or relationship I've ever had. Maybe I'm the problem as per usual? It's like my conscience is set to overdrive - anything unfair is flagged and I just cannot reconcile it and then my parents come in to swoop me up. I like the feeling of being swooped up, but I feel like a martyr. I miss out on what I love.

I don't know what I'm feeling. Just when life was getting good, it gets worse. If I could take the day back, I would. For the love of God I definitely would. I know ultimately, I'll overcome it and that it was the right thing, but if I could, I'd have confronted Fag myself and if I'd needed to leave, I would have. But there are no do-overs in life. I have loving parents and a life ahead of me, but boy do I have a way of being miserable.

The Bitch Is Dead

Sorry. I don't like swearing, but I couldn't think of a more fitting title - and may I warn you, ranting may follow as I let out all the anger I've been holding in for the last 6 months... Well, you can all rest assured I'm not going to be wasting my money on anything but Batman comics - far from the hundred of dollars I'd be wasting on a pointless trip to try and win Vikki back. The last few weeks have been painful for me, an all too familiar roller-coaster of feeling great and worse. But tonight has been the worst. Imagine my surprise when I check my emails for that usual "No new messages!" sign, but instead find a message from Vikki. Hence the bitch reference.

Well, I want nothing more to do with that girl. For everything I did for her, for every night I cried over her for, to find such a cold, heartless email really broke my heart in a way, and yet released it in another. For starters, she couldn't even care enough to stop using "text speak" in her break up letter - although again, she didn't actually say we were broken up in that concise way. I guess it's her way of thinking she's not a bitch without a heart.

In regard to my pleas for us to talk or at least say goodbye, she goes on to say "u'v written alot over the time we actutally havent spoken so i dont think there is much left to say". Well sorry I gave a shit about your feelings at all and wanted to break up like a normal person instead of inevitably hating your guts like I do now. In regard to me questioning why she hasn't replied to my emails under her pretense of "my internet is broken" when her brother has been online several times, she says "yeh sure my bro has prob been on...i wouldnt no, iv moved out and am living with a mate from work." Translation: "I'm not even attempting to hide my lack of caring now and oh yeah, my mate is actually some fuck buddy which was more convenient than spending time with you just because you wanted to try".

The kicker was "u'v talked about moving on and i believe this is something u must do!!". Translation: "Dude, stop bugging me, I'm banging some new guy - why are you incapable of being as heartless as me??" Well I guess all this amounts to, in her special way, of Vikki saying goodbye once and for all. Fuck her. Really, fuck her. I'm a nice guy. I would've done anything for her. I did everything I could for her. I treated her nicely and I put up with her flaws just as she did mine. Fuck, I even shared my deepest thoughts with her and left myself vulnerable and defenseless. And now she treats me like this? Not even good enough to consider talking to. I thought only guys sent "Dear John" letters via email and texts?

And the saddest part is, it's all starting to fade away. I've forgotten her voice, her giggle, what we used to do together, why it all ended, how it all started. Everything. It's like she never even existed. And that's probably how it should be. But I swear, that girl really did take 20 years off my life. Seriously, if I'm ever like that to another human being, when I love them and leave them and then act like they don't exist, I want you to find me and put me down. Just shoot me. Really. She didn't act with one ounce of integrity or compassion. If she had wanted to talk to say goodbye or for me to put her out of her misery, I'd have done it in a heart beat.

But you know what? That's never happened to me. All my relationships have been one-sided. I've never had a girl ever say to me "Let's just talk" or a friend say they really needed to repair things and me to then say say no. I'm always hospitable. I'm always thinking of others. I guess I really did have the wool pulled over my eyes with this one. What an immature, cold-hearted bitch Vikki turned out to be. I guess I'm going to save my heart and love for someone who deserves it and really is going to cherish it.

Well, this goes out to everyone who I ever whined to about my troubles and asked for advice from or cried to: Thank you. You know who you are. From America to Britain, to Australia to closer to home, people know about my crisis and some have been helpful, some not so helpful, but I just wanted to say, you never have to listen to me bitch about Vikki or all that shit ever again. I'm putting it to bed. I'm sure there'll be some sighs of relief heard throughout the world. 

But out of everyone, and I know she'll never be reading this, my biggest thanks goes to my mum. A week ago we had this big fight about how I could never talk to her about Vikki without her getting angry at me for being so sad. And then the next day she really tried and listened to me, without judgement, without comment - she just listened and it meant the world. I don't think I'd have taken today so well without her. So to you mum, I love you. Okay, Oscar ceremony over.

I'm sorry, I really don't know if anything I'm writing is making sense. It's just emotion and a kind of giddy high which I'm suppressing for now, about this sense of closure which I've gotten. It's over. It's really over. This huge chapter in my life. Closed. From learning to love, learning to be a good boyfriend, learning what not to do and about moving on. Eventually. Maybe a bit more experience than I really wanted, but heck, at least it's filled a few blog pages and hopefully gave some more insight to those readers out there, as well as a few nuggets of knowledge to mull over for myself. Here's a tip - don't get involved over the internet and don't give your heart away to a person who can't even say I love you in front of their brother and that can't meet you in case you bludgeon them to death like a psychic told them would happen. It's just not going to work.

So what now? I guess I'm a slightly-above attractive looking guy with a personality to make up for any physical impairments. I've got humour and wit, intelligence and compassion, empathy and kindness. I'm creative and honest and reliable and incredibly loyal. Shit, if I can't find anybody maybe there is a higher power up there working against me. But for now, I want to make sure this crazy Spawn Man which surfaced after Vikki left, never shows its' face again. I've got a lot to work on - the jealousy needs to go; I need to be more forgiving and laid back; and I certainly need to be more confident. And I've kinda let myself go a tad over the past few months - some exercise should be in order.

Well readers, how do I summarize this up? Such a massive brain wave of finality has finally hit me and there's not taking this one back. It's, as they would say, the final straw which broke the camel's back. It took a while, but I have finally realized who I really got into bed with and that she didn't really appreciate me or our relationship. Vikki was too immature, and ever though she was older than me in body, her spirit has a long road ahead. I think what's annoyed me the most is that my spirit was ready to go and was forced to stop because Vikki's wasn't ready. I feel like I've been preparing my whole life for marriage and now I just wanna freakin' get in there and start and do what I want to do. It's like peaking 3 years before the Olympics. But for now, I guess it's time to collect the pieces of my heart, my dignity and dust myself off - just get back into life and then back into love.

After this post, I don't think you'll ever read Vikki's name again on this blog. I'm sick of seeing how many megabytes of pain she's taken up on here. I've binged on her for the last 6 months. I think it's high time I made like a bulimic and purged into a toilet somewhere.

Rest in peace bitch.

Deep Down

Well it's been a long time, no type. And you'd think with this much time, things would be better. To admit the truth, things are significantly better. I went through a period of almost a month of not missing, thinking about or talking about Vikki. I was focussed on my studies and enjoying life in general. That is until the last few days, culminating in the email I sent her tonight. From deep down I can feel those feelings trying to crawl back up from where ever I've tried to bury them, like a burp rising in your throat. Sometimes I've pulled them out and studied them before flushing it back down, but tonight I had to appease the demon and write down what it wanted me to. But I'm getting ahead of myself. It all started at school.

You'd think at a university, people would be civilized. They're not. It's just like high school and every other traumatizing education facility you can think of or have attended. People bitch. People moan. People are pricks and dicks and mean. The girls are taken and the guys don't like you. The teachers can be dumb and you hate working. None of this was a problem until a few of the people I study with started getting stressed about deadlines. This of course leads to being snippy and being snippy leads to them taking it out on me. Why on me you ask? Because I'm a nice guy. I'm professional and I take their venting and I go for a run to burn off steam, when I actually really wish I could rip into them and tear their world apart.

And really, I could. I sit back and observe as I always have. I pick up on their ways, their ticks and their fears. I probably know stuff about them they aren't even aware of. Secret crushes, thoughts and behaviours. But I know it takes a lot to be good on this earth; It'd be so easy to let them have a piece of my mind and be mean and bad just like they are. But I won't.

None of these encounters have been a problem before really. But with their frequency increasing of late, I can't help but pine for Vikki in my own way. I mean, no matter which asshole attacked me or what was said about me, I knew that out of everyone, there was one person who loved me just the way I was and could make me feel better. A person I could retreat to and just delve into to forget my problems. And now that person isn't there, I have only myself to rely on. And I don't really like delving into myself lately. I never know what I might find.

I'll admit it. I still love Vikki. I always will. But I hate her too. I loathe ever meeting her. I regret ever asking her to be my girlfriend. For my first relationship, I sure did pick a winner. Now every time I think about being in love I feel this pain. I feel this anger rising up from the bowels of my heart. This lonely, cold pain. Even my fantasies are being affected. The closest I ever get to being intimate with a woman is my blankets rolled up into a girl next to me in bed. And even now when I try to cuddle it in some pathetic attempt to feel close to someone who cares, it tells me that it's just a bunch of sheets. I mean seriously! My sheets are telling me they aren't a real girl. I usually end up pushing them away in disgust.

And Vikki sits there, probably with new guy in hand, not even contemplating the number she's done on me. Well until tonight anyway. I sent her an email minus all the nice guy shit I usually throw in. I don't care any more if what I say ruins our chances - I've recognized we're not going anywhere and I need her to know what a horrible person she's been to me. How she's made me feel. It was long and it's late, so I can't remember exactly what it said, but it was me and it was the truth.

But in saying that, am I not being myself? I mean, the usual me doesn't say stuff like that. If I have a problem with someone, I'll think that stuff to myself, but I'll probably tell them I have a problem in a civilized manner or not bring it up at all if you're unlucky (those people get snubbed for all eternity). I'm trying to find this balance, but I'm struggling. Which option is best? Which is me? I mean, I know you can't go around telling people they are too fat or to fuck off or that they are assholes, but I want to also be an honest person. Or should I not say anything at all? Vikki has made me re-evaluate all the things I was so sure about.

And that's what hurts the most. The knowledge that I'm not what I used to be. When I was with her I was myself at my best. I was complete. I relied too heavily on her because now she's gone and I'm left holding pieces of my life. I was too far in fantasy land to recognize that maybe she wasn't going to stick around. Maybe people do break up.

Whatever the case, I do feel far better than the last time I wrote. I'm still struggling in my own private war, but it's a war I will win. Vikki can go take a hike because I'm done with her. She doesn't know what she's missing out on. And that's what I take with me to keep me warm at night - the knowledge that I know I'm a good person. The knowledge that I'm a gentleman who's sensitive, romantic, loyal and honest. I may not be the best looking, but I know my own skin. I'm not always so adjusted in it, but I know it well.

And then I can sleep.

What To Do

Well I feel a tiny bit better. The feelings of suicide and ending it all have passed - I think it was just the shock of finding out Vikki could be so cold that really threw me. What's the most disappointing now is my phone counselor - she tries her best but she hasn't given me any tools to help deal with things or change my life. And worst yet, I can only talk for an hour before she begins to wind things up. It just highlights the fact I need to talk to my parents now - they can be there to help me and they don't have a time limit. My mum made an effort last night to talk to me and not get angry, but it'll take a while to get things where I need them to be.

So now what? I just wait for Vikki to reply and grace me with her presence? I can't seem to move on without getting closure from her and I just want to do it by myself. But to tell the truth, I'm still madly in love with her and I know I'm a fool. But what do I do now? I feel like one of those girls sitting by the phone waiting for a date to ring, only wait all day for nothing. A day wasted. But in this case, it's been two months and not a day. Why can't she just be nice and do something which will help me unimaginably? I've had so much to say and ask which you only can when the person is there.

The thought of her and that asshole Tracy spending time together for hours when she knew I wanted to talk to her is just so hard to get over. It's just so inconsiderate. I cannot believe the saying "You reap what you sow". The way I get treated sometimes it's like I'm the worst person in the world. I was ever considerate of Vikki's feelings and would talk when she wanted to at the drop of a hat. If she was down I'd go and pick her up and if she was lonely I'd go and spend time with her. If someone picked on her, I stood up for her and stopped talking to the person. She never did that. And now she not only spends time with that person for hours, but completely drops me when I need to talk, feeling lonely and hurt and betrayed.

Why do I still love her? Why can't I move on? Why do I need closure so much? I just really hope that Vikki shows some compassion and just talks to me. That's all I want. I only ever wanted her to be happy because I love her, and yet if she loved me, surely she'd want the same? I'm clearly unhappy and yet she still avoids me. Love doesn't end when the relationship ends. You always love people in one form or another. Even a stranger on the street I feel love for and would console if they felt sad. And yet, I'm not even a stranger to her any more. It's just so... rejected. I really do not think she gets it at all. Maybe I was too nice being so considerate. I could've been cruel and told her when she wanted to take a break that we were over and that she meant nothing to me. I could've been a guy who hurt her. But I wasn't.

The most important thing now is that I don't want to become this pain I feel. I hope I can get through this. Well, so because my counselor couldn't help, I guess I'll need to come up with a plan. I want to be that happy and outgoing, happening guy which I was when I was with Vikki. I'd treat people with respect and care about things. I'd feel like I was worth something. I had goals and dreams that did not just include Vikki. I'd laugh and smile. I miss that guy. So what's the plan? To be honest, all I can think about is just getting a reply from Vikki and making it through until then. If I have to send her an email every day, I will. I don't care if I sound crazy - I need closure and I need to talk. It's my life and God damn it I want it to be good again.

Consideration

Well out of the blue Vikki sent me this message saying thanks for the birthday wishes I sent her. It made me wonder if she was just ignoring all my other messages, because she mentions nothing about our relationship, the questions I want answered or where our relationship is. And she didn't even bother to put "Take care" this time - she just put "TC". You're kidding me right? This sense of pure and simple rage swept over me and I was typing literally 100 words a minute. I can't even remember exactly what I wrote, but there were about 100 fucks and shits mixed in amongst the other angsty scribbles. But seriously, a month and this is what I get?

I am so fucking pissed. Firstly because if you love someone, or have ever loved someone, you don't leave them hanging that long and then send some fucking shitty email which sorts nothing out. Secondly, it makes me wonder if she ever loved me at all. Thirdly, it just fucking sucks. Honestly, it's almost comical, except I'm not seeing the funny side. I'm thinking I shouldn't even be pursuing the idea of getting back together with her. Did I ever really know her? Or was it all just lies? 

All I know is that if she doesn't give me some answers within the next week, she's gone for good. She can send me all the emails she wants after that but I'll cut her loose. You can't do that to people. I'd be ashamed if that was me. If I knew that someone I loved was on the other side of the earth, crying, sad and scared, then I'd be there for them, or at least break up with them respectfully. It's called empathy. Caring. Sensitivity. What Vikki has done is the complete opposite. I don't even know this person she's turned into. And I've never sworn at her once, so this is a new venture for me, of which I'm not proud but very angry so I guess it's my feelings, but Vikki is acting like a bitch. There I said it. Crucify me and label me some girl basher. I don't care because I've put up with so much shit and all I get is an abbreviated version of "take care".

I'm too angry to write, but all I want is a little consideration. Is it too much to fucking ask? If I say I love someone, I mean it. Love is not making someone stress out and cry for a whole month and then pass it off as a passing comment. Love is trying to make the one you love feel special. If I saw my wife or my fiance sitting there crying, small and scared and lonely just wanting some love, I'd be at her side immediately, hugging her and telling her everything was gonna be okay. I'd be there for her, because that's love. Just to see her smile and feel better.

But maybe that's just me. Maybe it's just fucking me...

The Dance

I can feel myself doing a dance with my mind. Slowly and gracefully I join hands with it as we both descend into oblivion. Every day there's hate and sorrow and joy and helplessness. A new cycle for every moment and every moment one closer to my death. All I can do is watch as my life and everything around me dissolves. Despite my pride, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. Here's a guy who's been fed shit by life all his life. He gets something special and tries his hardest to keep it, but all it ends with is just him not only back where he started, but back further than that. At least before I met Vikki I was happy and going out and about. Sure I felt un-accepted and unlovable, but now, I'm like a vegetable at home. No one definitely loves me now.

Every day I'm reminded of my loss, as if the pain isn't great enough. In the hope of hearing a reply from the one I love, I check my messages daily. Probably twice or three times daily. And every time I do all I see is that smug message of "No New Messages!" as if it's a big laugh. Ha ha ha, nobody cares enough to email you. What a loser. Ha ha ha.

And today I woke up crying and hugging my bed. I'd been having a dream where I was at a party and there was a dance in this fancy restaurant. And through the people I saw Vikki standing there. In my dream we danced and it was laden with such emotion I had to wake up. You know that sad yearning sorrow you get from dreams, in your half-asleep state, like when you see a dead loved-one or a past flame? Well I get that often now and this morning was no different. Even in my sleep I am reminded of my loss.

My parents sat me down and said that they were worried about me today. They said I never talked any more and that I was losing it. They're probably right but I put on the "I'm fine" mask and looked away. Their words echoed in my head before dissipating. No one can help me now. I feel I'm too far gone. It's like I'm down a deep dark chasm and I can see all these ledges for me to land on. But I don't want to. Maybe I want to fall. Maybe I want to just lose myself completely. Maybe I think that Vikki is at the bottom. All I know is that this chasm is feeling more and more like home than the bright happiness ever was. And I'm all alone down here.

In the end we are all alone. All this shit is going to end some day. And it's not like I ever had lots of friends or family to have. The closest friends I have at the moment is a tie between my cricket team who are leaving for the season break and my xbox live friends, and well, we don't need to go on about relationships and friendships over the internet. I'm just so sad I can't even think about what I'm going to say. Fuck, this is probably a really depressing read, if you've even made it this far without hanging yourself.

I am just really out of words. I've cried all my tears and I've screamed all my hurt. I've punished my body and I've cleared my mind and filled it again like a well after the rains. I've been through the worst month of my life and I'm relying on Vikki to reply or show she even cares, or that I'm not just some piece of shit to her, in order to make me happy or move on. But I can't move on without her. There's this fear there which I can't shake and every moment she lets me sit like this I hate her more and loathe myself. All these feelings and not once can I feel what I need - relief. Just relief. That breath you take with your eyes shut, knowing that you don't have a care in the world and that you are safe. Knowing you are loved and that there isn't someone you need to talk to.

And talk I can't. Not to my parents, not to myself and not to Vikki. I don't even know where she lives any more, so some big romantic gesture of turning up on her doorstep with a rose is out of the question. 

A friend once told me that time heals everything. At the moment, it only looks like it'll be healing the ground where I bury myself.

Goodbye To A Lover

I gave up last night. God and promises and whatever behind, I sent Vikki an email last night. I said that she obviously doesn't want me anymore and that I just want her to be happy, so I said I'd just leave. If she still loved me, then she would've fought for me, she wouldn't leave me in the cold. Really, I do just want her to be happy and if me being around isn't making her her happy anymore, then I'll just go. It's a decision I'll live with for the rest of my life and I don't know if it's the right one as I sit here today. I don't know what else to write. I'm so mentally tired and lost and it's hurting my health. 

Maybe it's best for the both of us, but all I know, if I had my way me and Vikki would be together. But she doesn't want that, so I'll respect her wishes and do the honourable thing.  I guess it's time for me to move on, but part of me still hopes she'll see how much I love her and that I do want her to be happy and that she'll come back to me, but I can see this going in the route of her somehow making out like this is what I want and then saying "take care". I know I said that if I found someone then I'd hold on with all my might, but I'm slipping and it's taking it's toll. 

Goodbye Vikki, I'll always love you deep down, but I want you to be happy. Find someone who makes you shine.

What Do I Do?

What do I do? I've been asking myself this a lot lately. I'd had enough and sent Vikki an email tonight asking for closure and to know what was going to happen between us. I needed to know because this limbo is killing me. Slowly and surely, it is killing me. Killing my life from within. I explained my thoughts carefully and politely. I didn't respect a reply. Vikki hadn't replied to any of my emails for nearly a month. A cold wall of silence which was driving me more insane than the prospect of losing my love. But then something happened which I didn't expect.

I looked a moment ago and there was a reply. And in it, Vikki wished me good luck in whatever I put my heart to and that I'm free like I've always been. What am I supposed to make of that? That she's cutting me loose? I feel as if I've never meant anything to her and that I have been sent away into the cold. I feel like shit. No masks, no lies - I feel like utter shit. A piece of shit on someone's shoes who's walked me through the house and just wants to clean me up before I get in the way. What does this mean?

I guess I was hoping for the "I still love you and want to be with you" reply, but maybe she never loved me. If that is the case, how dumb am I? How could I have been so blind? Surely it isn't true. If it is, she is not the woman I loved. Not the woman which would have handled my heart with care and respect. Like I did with hers. I feel used and abused and worthless. I guess I feel dumped. And yet I am only speculating. Maybe I'm misinterpreting? Or maybe I am just a schmuck who doesn't know when he's nothing anymore.

And I have no one to confide in. No one but you anonymous reader who is but reading upon this sorry saga. You can do nothing. I can do nothing. All is gone and no more. I always believed in the saying that you reap what you sow. And I only sowed good and love into the relationship. I was the best partner I could be and respected her as highly as I could. Above and beyond. So why do I feel so betrayed? So crushed? So ruined? Reap what you sow? What a pile of rubbish. If it were true then I'd have Vikki in my arms right now.

I really thought in being a good partner, more than any I know, that life would give me a break. That life would see I was being good and just and simply make something right for me. That it would give me something that glimmers and is special for me alone. But no. Not for me, never for me. A cursed wretch of life I am. It can fuck with me all it likes and I have no reply. No safe haven I can turn to and assume the fetal position in. Dropped from the cricket team I play for, my promised job given to someone else, sleepless nights and mornings, bruises and scrapes from where I was beaten by someone I won't name. What is this life of mine?

Don't pity me. I have always lived by the rule that these are the best years of my life. All the years I am truly happy are useless. But all these many, many years where I am miserable are the ones I truly learn in. And boy am I learning. I just wish the lessons would stop. The incessant lessons. I get it already life! Stop punishing me for whatever I've done and let me be happy for once in my fucking life you prick. There! You've made me break and bend. I know that you only mess with me life to see if I will. Like some sick child with a magnifying glass zapping ants for fun, you sick fuck.

And yet life, I can't live without you. Give me a break and we can both get our way. Just give me a break. I'm at the edge of my life here and you continue to push me. Don't push me any more. Just don't push...

Love/Hate

These past few days have been strange for me. Every day I go through at least one cycle of loving and then hating Vikki, or vice versa. This is why I've barred myself from sending her messages - the one in the morning will sing her praises and profess how I love her. The one in the afternoon says she's mucking me around and that I wish I'd never met her. If I make it to midnight, I'll usually send an apology saying how much I love her again. I don't know what to make of it.

I haven't checked my email in nearly 4 days now, a short time to some, but an agonizingly long period for me. I know that if I succumb to my inner voice and check them, I'll only be disappointed to see that she has not sent me anything. However, the little ounce of annoying hope inside me screams to check my emails because she's probably sent me something. What an optimist.

I really am trying to forget her but everything around me is remind me so much of her. Anything Australian or to do with unicorns or anything we shared together just drives me crazy. And to top it all off, I met an Australian girl yesterday who looked exactly like Vikki and loved photography and, believe it or not, was named Nikki. It's as if they're taunting me, whoever is in charge of this life of mine. It doesn't help that I'm sick and must dwell indoors with only my thoughts to accompany me.