Deep Down

Well it's been a long time, no type. And you'd think with this much time, things would be better. To admit the truth, things are significantly better. I went through a period of almost a month of not missing, thinking about or talking about Vikki. I was focussed on my studies and enjoying life in general. That is until the last few days, culminating in the email I sent her tonight. From deep down I can feel those feelings trying to crawl back up from where ever I've tried to bury them, like a burp rising in your throat. Sometimes I've pulled them out and studied them before flushing it back down, but tonight I had to appease the demon and write down what it wanted me to. But I'm getting ahead of myself. It all started at school.

You'd think at a university, people would be civilized. They're not. It's just like high school and every other traumatizing education facility you can think of or have attended. People bitch. People moan. People are pricks and dicks and mean. The girls are taken and the guys don't like you. The teachers can be dumb and you hate working. None of this was a problem until a few of the people I study with started getting stressed about deadlines. This of course leads to being snippy and being snippy leads to them taking it out on me. Why on me you ask? Because I'm a nice guy. I'm professional and I take their venting and I go for a run to burn off steam, when I actually really wish I could rip into them and tear their world apart.

And really, I could. I sit back and observe as I always have. I pick up on their ways, their ticks and their fears. I probably know stuff about them they aren't even aware of. Secret crushes, thoughts and behaviours. But I know it takes a lot to be good on this earth; It'd be so easy to let them have a piece of my mind and be mean and bad just like they are. But I won't.

None of these encounters have been a problem before really. But with their frequency increasing of late, I can't help but pine for Vikki in my own way. I mean, no matter which asshole attacked me or what was said about me, I knew that out of everyone, there was one person who loved me just the way I was and could make me feel better. A person I could retreat to and just delve into to forget my problems. And now that person isn't there, I have only myself to rely on. And I don't really like delving into myself lately. I never know what I might find.

I'll admit it. I still love Vikki. I always will. But I hate her too. I loathe ever meeting her. I regret ever asking her to be my girlfriend. For my first relationship, I sure did pick a winner. Now every time I think about being in love I feel this pain. I feel this anger rising up from the bowels of my heart. This lonely, cold pain. Even my fantasies are being affected. The closest I ever get to being intimate with a woman is my blankets rolled up into a girl next to me in bed. And even now when I try to cuddle it in some pathetic attempt to feel close to someone who cares, it tells me that it's just a bunch of sheets. I mean seriously! My sheets are telling me they aren't a real girl. I usually end up pushing them away in disgust.

And Vikki sits there, probably with new guy in hand, not even contemplating the number she's done on me. Well until tonight anyway. I sent her an email minus all the nice guy shit I usually throw in. I don't care any more if what I say ruins our chances - I've recognized we're not going anywhere and I need her to know what a horrible person she's been to me. How she's made me feel. It was long and it's late, so I can't remember exactly what it said, but it was me and it was the truth.

But in saying that, am I not being myself? I mean, the usual me doesn't say stuff like that. If I have a problem with someone, I'll think that stuff to myself, but I'll probably tell them I have a problem in a civilized manner or not bring it up at all if you're unlucky (those people get snubbed for all eternity). I'm trying to find this balance, but I'm struggling. Which option is best? Which is me? I mean, I know you can't go around telling people they are too fat or to fuck off or that they are assholes, but I want to also be an honest person. Or should I not say anything at all? Vikki has made me re-evaluate all the things I was so sure about.

And that's what hurts the most. The knowledge that I'm not what I used to be. When I was with her I was myself at my best. I was complete. I relied too heavily on her because now she's gone and I'm left holding pieces of my life. I was too far in fantasy land to recognize that maybe she wasn't going to stick around. Maybe people do break up.

Whatever the case, I do feel far better than the last time I wrote. I'm still struggling in my own private war, but it's a war I will win. Vikki can go take a hike because I'm done with her. She doesn't know what she's missing out on. And that's what I take with me to keep me warm at night - the knowledge that I know I'm a good person. The knowledge that I'm a gentleman who's sensitive, romantic, loyal and honest. I may not be the best looking, but I know my own skin. I'm not always so adjusted in it, but I know it well.

And then I can sleep.