I Hate Dreams

All that email-sending to Vikki last night must have triggered either some fantasy or true feelings deep down in my core, because all I dreamt about last night was her. In my dream she came over to my country with her family and asked if we should start again. And I took her back in a heart beat. It was like it was real. She was there. I touched her thigh. I took her on a date. We tried our best to fix things. We hugged. Everything was perfect. And that was the worst.

Because there was that horrible few moments after you wake up where this alternate reality seems real. For a split second, you think everything is right with the world and that your true feelings have been realized. And then you realize it's a just a dream. Just a dream. I've cried all morning. I have this regret and I can't do anything about it. Vikki doesn't want to help me. I try my best to suppress this feeling of love for her, but it's there all the same. I'm flailing.

I guess school has brought up all this feeling again; when I was preoccupied and busy and felt like I was needed somewhere, Vikki didn't even register in my thoughts. But now, school is gone. The stress was killing me. Now the most I have to look forward to is a new video game or a movie or a girl which I hope will come in my future to save me from this nightmare. And really it's a nightmare. Those dreams from which I wake and cry are the harpies. They tear the flesh from my bones and leave me begging to a God I no longer believe in. I have no one left to save me any more.

Reader. If anyone ever reads this. I have regrets and I feel like dying. Like pulling my eyes out so I never have to see this world again. For me, please do not have regrets. If someone loves you and you love them, don't wait. Life is too short. If you love someone and they don't know it, tell them. Be happy. I can't seem to be happy no matter what I do. So for God's sake reader, do it for me. If this blog - if my insane and dumb writing - does anything, I hope it tells you to not make mistakes. Even if you're hurting, if you love someone and never want to leave them, keep them safe in your arms forever. Don't do what I did.

Be happy for me.