In the past few months I've matured a lot. I've learnt the trade of being a man. I don't know why now of all times, but I have. Jess taught me a lot - for a fling which I wasn't taking seriously, she sure has taught me how to be more forgiving, caring, and mature. We haven't spoken in a while, but things have been plain sailing ever since; I've started university and have begun to make friends; was beginning to get on consistently with my parents; be confident in myself and make decisions with the maturity you'd expect. Everything was great. Until yesterday.
I've been with my cricket team for two years now. Last season was great - I was the youngest there with lots of older guys teaching me how to play properly and friends to make. This season however, our keeper was selected as selector for the team. This unfortunately, spelled the end of my time at the cricket club. Our keeper is an okay guy, a bit of a he-man and definitely not someone I'd befriend, but he also plays indoor cricket. If you've ever played club cricket, then you'll know all about how indoor cricket can be violent, aggressive and unsporting at times. So with his election to selector, he invited all of his indoor cricket buddies over (they of course knowing they'd have a place in the team).
Almost immediately, the team dynamic changed. Most of the nice guys from the previous season left, with only a few older guys overlooking the newcomers. Because I was youngest, naturally these guys were going to assert their place in the team by singling me out. One guy in particular, we'll refer to him as Fag from now on, has been particularly harsh on me, with snide comments being made whenever he batted with me or whenever I made a mistake, he was always first to criticize. I can take constructive criticism, but he went above and beyond to be obnoxious. A few of the others joined in occasionally, but never on that level. The newer players never showed good sportsmanship, consistently arguing with the umpires and other teams. I play for fun and never say a bad word against anyone, no matter what. Some people just don't think that notion is viable.
Not being one for confrontations, I just let it slide. I can take a lot of pain. I'd come home distraught and beat myself up about my mistakes. But it was only one guy, so it wasn't so bad. But this weekend, it seemed as though most of the team had turned against me. Fag kept bossing me around when it wasn't his place, and when I missed a ball off his bowling (and to be honest, no one on the team could've reached it and it was only hit so far and fast because of his poor bowling) he continued to ridicule me and when I reacted, he told me to shut my mouth. Fuming, I continued, safe in the knowledge that his girlfriend is a chubby whale who keeps him under the thumb. But then at half time, the last straw was struck.
"Oh great, so you're opening the batting?" says I to Fred. "Yep" he replies. "You should go out there and smash it." To that, Fred replies, "I'm not taking batting advice from you Spawn Man." I wasn't giving any, nor was I attempting to be serious in my comment. One player being a prick to me was forgivable. Two? Well that was it. I rang my parents to pick me up. A mistake? Maybe. Did I do it? Yes. Can I change it? Nope.
My parents came and pretty much began swearing at the other players in my team who'd wronged me. To tell the truth, sure I'd have liked it to be handled differently, but my parents had been battling with my misery from the taunts at the club all season and had had enough - a mother bear protecting her cub as my mother put it. I was embarrassed and numb. I still am pretty numb about the entire debacle. I'd wanted to talk to them and possibly get them to help me talk to some of the older members of the team. But it went out of my hands and control rapidly, too rapidly for me to pull back before the bridges were burnt. I don't blame them - I know they were doing what they did from a good place and that they only want the best for me. I'm just annoyed they didn't consult with me before changing my life forever, but it's done now.
I left the ground with everyone looking back. Some were looking astonished. Some confused. Others with angry scowls on their faces. It does feel like a death. I had friends there. I felt like I was part of something. A team. And now it's gone. Forever. Forever is a long time. I sent a message to the team saying why I was leaving and that I was sorry it was to end like that. Since I've had a couple of replies and apologies, and a few saying that my parents were pathetic and that I should be ashamed and not come back to the team.
I'm struggling with that - should I have dealt with the problem on my own? Maybe they're right in the fact that I shouldn't have let my parents fight my battles (not that I asked them to). I feel more mature than ever, but am I really after this? By saying that their actions were okay, am I saying that I think it's okay to resolve issues like that? I don't want my parents to think that I despise what they did, but the way things ended doesn't sit right with me either. I can't make heads or tails of it right now. I feel exactly the same way as when my cat died and when I broke up with Vikki. I've been crying and upset, but now I feel like it's all a dream.
The worst thing is that it was cricket. If you know me, then you know I love two things more than anything: Cricket and Batman. And now I have to give one up because of the behaviour of the few assholes in my cricket team. Maybe I was the problem? Maybe I just took things too seriously? I always have a way of crashing and burning with any friendship, club or relationship I've ever had. Maybe I'm the problem as per usual? It's like my conscience is set to overdrive - anything unfair is flagged and I just cannot reconcile it and then my parents come in to swoop me up. I like the feeling of being swooped up, but I feel like a martyr. I miss out on what I love.
I don't know what I'm feeling. Just when life was getting good, it gets worse. If I could take the day back, I would. For the love of God I definitely would. I know ultimately, I'll overcome it and that it was the right thing, but if I could, I'd have confronted Fag myself and if I'd needed to leave, I would have. But there are no do-overs in life. I have loving parents and a life ahead of me, but boy do I have a way of being miserable.
