Back Inside My Mask

My spirits high, my outlook bright - the last thing I thought was that I'd put my mask back on after being released from its' prison for so long. But back the mask is regardless. I've found myself lying again to those I encounter; I can't even tell co-workers where I study anymore or a girl how old I really am. I just lie my pants off. I guess the whole ordeal with Vikki really has dented my self-confidence again, and what better way to protect myself than through this iron mask which I place over my face.

I guess I should know better than to lie. Lying has gotten me into all kinds of trouble in the recent past, and will probably continue to do so if I don't stop. My problem is that I think no one will find out my lie. If I lie about my age, or where I study, or an imaginary date, I think I can manipulate the situation and keep my story real and living. But the reality is that if the truth doesn't come out one way or another, I still lose because every time I don't reveal my true self to someone I meet, I feel just that bit more alone.

But what other way do I know to protect myself? I seem to do it without even thinking and examine the consequences later. I guess deep down, I have some sort of justification where it's okay to keep myself hidden from the world. Like my idol Batman, I live two lives: One which only I know and the other the mask which I parade around like some jester. 

But somehow, this time it feels different. Last time I was inside my mask, I didn't know which was the real me, the mask or the person wearing it. And yet now, I know that the mask is not me at all. I recognize it and can own it. I manipulate this mask to whatever I want, while still knowing myself inside. I can hardly see how this makes things better. Before I was misguided and I did not know myself. Now? I know myself but I still use this mask to hide my true nature for some reason? Am I just a liar at heart?

Whatever the case, my lies still grow and fester like the plague on my skin. Maybe this mask isn't the one I grew up with. It feels new and foreboding. Maybe this mask isn't meant to protect me at all; maybe it's just a liar's mask. Maybe I should know better.