As soon as I saw it I felt like vomiting. I've felt like vomiting before, but never like this. I felt like crying and vomiting and slitting my wrists all with one clean motion. And I still might. I cannot do this. I'm out. I want this stupid charade to be fucking over. I poured my heart and soul into that woman and she's out without a care in the world. As I write this, I can't breathe, I can't think and I certainly cannot cope. Oh my God this is so fucking shit. And nobody fucking cares. Let's just have a fucking shit on Spawn Man day eh?
And no, it's not just her. Today an old friend - if we can even call her that - made out like she wanted to reconcile with me. Turns out she only wanted to betray me with her boyfriend. It's a long story which, unfortunately, I have time to tell. Basically, she's married (we'll call her Laura for now) and was having an online affair. She confided in me and I tried to help her. It worked for a while, then she gave up and went back to her bit on the side. I didn't like it, she took offense and she got all shitty and blocked me from contacting her. Out of the blue she sends me a message saying she's sorry and I come on tonight to sort it out. Turns out she shares her accounts with her boyfriend and they both start attacking me and rubbing in the fact they're having an affair online. And this is a woman with a husband and kids and a doctor's career!
Who finds love? Shit-heads like that. She had the looks (on the outside anyway), the career, the husband and the children. She doesn't even have to lift a finger and she can have her family. What does she do? Treats it like it means nothing to her. Squanders it. Not only that, openly flaunts the fact she's got two guys on the side all over her website. That's a cold bitch. And as for me? I try my hardest to find love and even the ones I get I can't keep. People who deserve things never get them and those who will only squander them always end up stinking of them.
So today has been hectic for me. And I'll agree, it's all online. But online isn't necessarily unreal. It's very real. There's real emotions and love and hate. Real people. You're reading my life and I'm real. You're real (hopefully). Anyone who says that things online are no big deal gets a bad mark in my books. But now I can't even enjoy myself online any more. Whether it's drama from an online girlfriend who I love, or someone I only tried to help turning on me with her boyfriend, or a group of players who betray me because they don't like the way I play, or things which remind me of all of them - it's all taking it's toll.
I'm on a thin wire and a wind is coming. I can feel my life just hanging there, just wishing it can make it across before the next gust. These last few days I've never felt so alone. I haven't eaten or spoken in the last few days and my parents still do not even sense the real danger I'm in. And yet I can't tell them. All I can think about is just how I'm going to kill myself, who'd turn up to my funeral, if anyone would even care. About how my death would affect anyone, if I'd be tormented by having to watch Vikki continue on with her life or if my parents would cope. If I'd be scared after I'd done it and wish someone would save me, only to find my parents were watching television or something. Or if there'd just be a big black nothing and that it really was worth sticking around to at least make some contribution even if I was miserable. Maybe I should go out with a blaze and take out my bitch of a grandmother and cunt of an uncle with me. Or maybe I should just disappear and never be found.
Never before have I felt like this. So utterly betrayed and unloved. I'll admit, I was a bit weird sometimes in our relationship or go upset at odd things, but I was always reasonable and always tried my best. I knew when I'd done wrong and apologized. I knew when to comfort Vikki and when to support her. I bought her expensive gifts and returned them because she didn't wear earrings. So I'd buy her necklaces instead. I offered my home, my money and my heart to her. I never asked for it back. I did all this and yet I'm not even worth talking to. Not even a piece of shit on everyone's shoe. I'm praying for someone to just stand up and stop this film and go "Hey, this isn't fair!". But it's no film. There's no rewind or pause. There's a play and if I choose, a stop. The question is: Is the film going to get better?
Is the film going to give the guy a break? Is his life going to get better? Or is everything just going to spin out of control? All I know is that I want my parents to get out of the house and me and a bottle of strong alcohol are going to get acquainted. I don't even care which one - I've never been a drinker and even the smallest bit gets me tipsy. All I want is the one which will make me forget the most. The one which will be my friend and do something no one else can do - just stop this. And I mean, being upset at night I can cope with usually. But I'm waking up sad. It's like the sleep was just a short break in the nightmare and now I have a whole day ahead to endure. Another day of not being able to breathe. Another day of finding out just how much I'm unloved.
I just hope I make it until 7pm tomorrow. That's when my counselor's shift begins and I have someone I can talk to other than this stupid blog. And it really is stupid. A record of my stupid life for all to see. I hope you're all entertained. I hope God, you big fat fuck sitting in your angel-covered shit, I hope you're entertained. I'm sick of believing in someone just because we're all too scared to admit that there's nothing else out there. We all go to die in a cold fucking place and there's no afterlife. Just black and nothing. If there was a heaven then it'd pick me up now because everyone knows I've never done a bad deed in my entire life worthy of any of this and I don't want to have to commit suicide. I just want this to stop.
The worst I've ever done is eat a chocolate in a store when I was a toddler and write my name on a wall at work and school. I've sworn at my parents and I've been a pain sometimes, but they know they wouldn't swap me for anyone else. I don't stay out, I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, have sex (God knows I try), I bring home good grades and I can socialize with the ability of more than a pea. So in the best humour I can muster at this moment - What gives? Why the fuck can't I just get a break? Okay, she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she's busy at work and everything. But do I need to know she's online and hanging out with the people who broke the camel's back? Do I really need to know that I'm that fucking unloved that the person I gave my heart and soul to really doesn't give a fucking shit whether I have a heart attack from all the stress or not? Do I really?!
Look do whatever. I don't know who that's directed at, but it can apply to everyone. Everyone can go get fucked. God, you can for obvious reasons. You want to smite me with your high and mighty powers? Fucking do it big guy! You useless sack of shit! At least make someone happy and fucking kill me right now. You readers. Do whatever the hell you want. Want to continue reading this fucking shit? Be my guest. You want to leave? Go ahead. I really do not care. Vikki? Well you can do whatever too! We've all got free choice here and you've chosen door number three - being an uncaring cow who seemingly cares more for just about everyone other than me. Congrats, you get the new car! As for me - you can do whatever too. All those rules which you spent your life making to make you a good person? A good, deserving person? Well all that is bullshit because it gets you nowhere buddy! As of now, the rules are off and you are free. Go drink and get fucked up because while you're at it, flip a coin and if it's heads, you get to to slit your wrists and if it's tails, find some long-worded drug and swallow the whole box.
As for everyone else? You can kiss my ass. Maybe my problems aren't as big as others'. But I don't give a shit. Keep the orphans in Africa speech for someone who hasn't hit rock bottom. All my life I've been bullied by people who don't care. Sometimes I don't think my parents care. The woman which showed me unconditional love and to which I gave my heart. She doesn't care. I'm always last to get picked. Always the overlooked one and the hated one. The guy which treats all the girls with respect and they take out the bad boy anyway. The guy who sits and wonders how people can have meaningless sex and can squander away a family and love like it means nothing. The kid who will always stick up for you against bullies, but is always left to stand up for himself when they turn on him. The guy who trusts and gets burnt and still wants to be loyal to you. The guy who is me.
I'm that guy. But no more. I'm sick of this fucking guy.
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