I decided to end things with Jess. She was not impressed from what I managed to gather during our final brief conversation which she quickly ended. The problems had started when she asked if I'd missed her - apparently I was her "hon". Maybe Vikki has ruined things for me permanently, or maybe I'm just not the tolerable partner I once thought, but I definitely did not want to get into a serious relationship with someone online again. At least not one where I was made to feel guilty when I answered her question with a "no". As cold as it was, I wasn't thinking about her. I didn't want to either. Life is complicated and maybe I just wasn't ready to be intimate with anyone.
I've soldiered on. Even if it's with the knowledge that I'm a cold-hearted bastard who has a bitter hatred for women now. I guess all my life I've been expecting love and partnership to be this wonderful thing where two souls combine. But twice now I've been shown that it is nothing more than a brief candle that doesn't combine two people any more than oil mixes with water. I've actually really given up on girls. Even when I was totally clear and said I wanted nothing more than a bit of fun, which was a huge milestone (or step backward depending on what you see) in itself, it still turns into a game of cheesy love talk and annoying girls who I eventually find fault with and lose forever.
Will I always have this anger towards women? I want to love women. I do love them. But I hate them so much. Every girl I've ever asked out and been rejected by. Vikki. Jess. They're all the same. "We're not like the others - we're here to stay". And then they leave. They act all confusing and then leave just like the rest. And every one which does just throws another log on the fire of my burning heart as they walk out the door. Every log another reason why I resent them. Will I ever find that one special girl who is perfect for me? The one who can say "I love you" and the one who will stand up for me. The one who can read my mind. And even then, will I only push her away too?
It seems there are only two people in my life who don't hate me. My parents. And those who I haven't met. I guess I'm just one of those people who others must have an opinion about. And that opinion just happens to be dislike more often than not. I've always been close to my parents. They're my best friends. I know that even if I was to tell them everything on this blog, they'd still love me and respect me as a person. But what happens when they're gone? I know it seems morbid, but every day I can almost feel a counter above my head, counting down to the day I must die. The day my parents die. I can count in my head the approximate number of days I have left - only so many weekends I have to spend with my father. Or the number of my mother's birthdays left to celebrate. The number of years before the chance of me having a family are gone - and believe me, I know that I probably already halfway through my life even at such a young age. To think I'll have no loved ones left behind though? That depresses me.
Death is so final. One may look at it flippantly, but if you actually take a moment and realize it, it's terrifying. The day when you'll never ever see that person again. The day when you find out that they're not always going to be around. My parents always tell me think positively and not wish my death upon myself. I don't want to die. I want children and I want a wife! I want to grow old and be there for my grandchildren and live a fruitful life. And yet there is a constant ticking. That constant ticking in my head where I can see where all things end. I just don't want the day to come where all I love dies. The day where I must stop, look around and see no one. The day when I realize what I really am...
Alone.
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