This Chasm Is Not Home

Slowly but surely I can feel myself regaining control. This chasm which has become my life and home is beginning to shrink and warp. For two days in a row I've had a change of heart. Something deep inside me has changed. I'm getting excited about life again. I'm getting out again. I'm taking care of myself bit by bit. It's like some internal switch just flicked and the light from above grew stronger and stronger, echoing down this deep chasm which I'd chipped away for myself. It's as if I've stopped half way down and looked up and gone, screw it. And funnily, it began with a joke.

I was looking into the mirror two nights ago and thought to myself, what have I achieved from this relationship. Then I started laughing - "A DVD". I just couldn't stop laughing. Even in bed, I was giggling away about the thought that the only thing I'd received from the relationship was a DVD - probably not true, but it was the only tangible evidence I was ever in a relationship at all. Some sort of sick consolation prize that just highlights the pathetic nature off the whole situation. And it's true.

My mum is a Supernatural fan. And I love that show as well - two brothers just trying to survive and kill evil creatures on a quest to avenge their mother - but unfortunately only the first season was shown here where I live. But over where Vikki lived, season three was already well under way. So she sent it over but didn't want me to pay her no matter what I said. And now, it's become some sort of beacon in my life - a stupid television show on DVD has shown me the way.

Of course, the light didn't last long. The next day I was feeling in the dumps, but that night, the feeling of being able to live again came over me. And today it was the same feeling throughout the day. So although it's only baby steps, it's a beginning and a feeling I've been craving for many weeks. I don't care if Vikki is at the bottom of the chasm, if she wants me back or not - all I know is that I'm lovable and someone else out there wants me and that I need to move on. I don't know what's going to happen to me, and I'll admit I'm fucking scared, but I know that I can't keep falling any more.

I just hope that there is someone else out there that I can love as much as Vikki. Someone who accepts my faults and that loves me for me. Someone that I can protect when she's vulnerable and someone I can make feel special. I really hope that I find someone else. For all I care now, Vikki can stay gone if she wants. I've given up caring and letting my life rest in her uncaring hands. Wish me the best. I'll need it in this strange and frightening new life I'll be trying my hardest to create in the crater left by this love of mine.

In other news, Jaffa is gone from my school, so at least that's one less fat Indian fuck to deal with.

The Dance

I can feel myself doing a dance with my mind. Slowly and gracefully I join hands with it as we both descend into oblivion. Every day there's hate and sorrow and joy and helplessness. A new cycle for every moment and every moment one closer to my death. All I can do is watch as my life and everything around me dissolves. Despite my pride, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. Here's a guy who's been fed shit by life all his life. He gets something special and tries his hardest to keep it, but all it ends with is just him not only back where he started, but back further than that. At least before I met Vikki I was happy and going out and about. Sure I felt un-accepted and unlovable, but now, I'm like a vegetable at home. No one definitely loves me now.

Every day I'm reminded of my loss, as if the pain isn't great enough. In the hope of hearing a reply from the one I love, I check my messages daily. Probably twice or three times daily. And every time I do all I see is that smug message of "No New Messages!" as if it's a big laugh. Ha ha ha, nobody cares enough to email you. What a loser. Ha ha ha.

And today I woke up crying and hugging my bed. I'd been having a dream where I was at a party and there was a dance in this fancy restaurant. And through the people I saw Vikki standing there. In my dream we danced and it was laden with such emotion I had to wake up. You know that sad yearning sorrow you get from dreams, in your half-asleep state, like when you see a dead loved-one or a past flame? Well I get that often now and this morning was no different. Even in my sleep I am reminded of my loss.

My parents sat me down and said that they were worried about me today. They said I never talked any more and that I was losing it. They're probably right but I put on the "I'm fine" mask and looked away. Their words echoed in my head before dissipating. No one can help me now. I feel I'm too far gone. It's like I'm down a deep dark chasm and I can see all these ledges for me to land on. But I don't want to. Maybe I want to fall. Maybe I want to just lose myself completely. Maybe I think that Vikki is at the bottom. All I know is that this chasm is feeling more and more like home than the bright happiness ever was. And I'm all alone down here.

In the end we are all alone. All this shit is going to end some day. And it's not like I ever had lots of friends or family to have. The closest friends I have at the moment is a tie between my cricket team who are leaving for the season break and my xbox live friends, and well, we don't need to go on about relationships and friendships over the internet. I'm just so sad I can't even think about what I'm going to say. Fuck, this is probably a really depressing read, if you've even made it this far without hanging yourself.

I am just really out of words. I've cried all my tears and I've screamed all my hurt. I've punished my body and I've cleared my mind and filled it again like a well after the rains. I've been through the worst month of my life and I'm relying on Vikki to reply or show she even cares, or that I'm not just some piece of shit to her, in order to make me happy or move on. But I can't move on without her. There's this fear there which I can't shake and every moment she lets me sit like this I hate her more and loathe myself. All these feelings and not once can I feel what I need - relief. Just relief. That breath you take with your eyes shut, knowing that you don't have a care in the world and that you are safe. Knowing you are loved and that there isn't someone you need to talk to.

And talk I can't. Not to my parents, not to myself and not to Vikki. I don't even know where she lives any more, so some big romantic gesture of turning up on her doorstep with a rose is out of the question. 

A friend once told me that time heals everything. At the moment, it only looks like it'll be healing the ground where I bury myself.

Second Thoughts

The promise I made to God has been bothering me - I told him I wouldn't play games with Vikki if he helped me sort out the situation. So does that mean what I've done is breaking that promise? I mean, I really do wish she'll come back to me and say that she still has feelings for me, despite what I fear, so in a way, it's like the game I swore to not participate in. Am I only hiding under the veil that I'm doing this for her when I'm actually still trying to win her back? If I don't post again it means I've been struck by some kind of lightning bolt from the heavens since I'm assuming that God reads all the fine print of contracts very carefully.

I mean, it wasn't just a promise, it was a covenant. The strongest type of promise (heck, I was desperate for help) and somehow I feel like I've got this bulls eye on my forehead with God lining me up thinking about how I've broken the covenant. Not only have I lost the one I love, my health, my happiness, my life (practically), my drive, but now I've pissed off God. It wasn't intentional, and I'm not even sure if this counts, but it's got me worried.

On other fronts, I still await a reply from Vikki, if one is even going to come. If you love someone, you try and contact them, so this is just reinforcing the fact that she doesn't care any more. I've found solace in video games however - I've found a group of friends on there which I can play with until whatever hour of the day, so I feel part of something. Pathetic as it seems, I feel happy mucking around with them, getting my mind of things. But every second I depart, my worries set back in. Right before bed too so I can look forward to a sleepless night.

The fact of the matter is, I haven't done any schoolwork in about a month or two. I'm meant to be doing some art at home and filling in my study logs, but now I don't even have the will to fake them. I feel like a real loser sometimes, but I don't see how to move forward. I'm hoping once I get some closure from Vikki that magically I'll move on with my life, but it's taking its toll on me since I'm remaining dormant for so long. But what if...?

What if I don't magically get back on track after Vikki replies, if she even does. What if all this time I've just wasted is for nothing? All I can think about is how much damage I've done to my body with all this stress, not eating, not sleeping and not getting out. And you know what? Deep down, and it really does scare me when I feel this way, I don't care. I enjoy the fact I'm destroying myself. Whether it's for attention or for someone to fight for me to save myself or something else, I don't know - all I know is that when I look at my tired, sad face in the mirror at night I get this sick twinge in my stomach thinking fuck you. I'm going to fuck you up really nice.

And it scares me.

Goodbye To A Lover

I gave up last night. God and promises and whatever behind, I sent Vikki an email last night. I said that she obviously doesn't want me anymore and that I just want her to be happy, so I said I'd just leave. If she still loved me, then she would've fought for me, she wouldn't leave me in the cold. Really, I do just want her to be happy and if me being around isn't making her her happy anymore, then I'll just go. It's a decision I'll live with for the rest of my life and I don't know if it's the right one as I sit here today. I don't know what else to write. I'm so mentally tired and lost and it's hurting my health. 

Maybe it's best for the both of us, but all I know, if I had my way me and Vikki would be together. But she doesn't want that, so I'll respect her wishes and do the honourable thing.  I guess it's time for me to move on, but part of me still hopes she'll see how much I love her and that I do want her to be happy and that she'll come back to me, but I can see this going in the route of her somehow making out like this is what I want and then saying "take care". I know I said that if I found someone then I'd hold on with all my might, but I'm slipping and it's taking it's toll. 

Goodbye Vikki, I'll always love you deep down, but I want you to be happy. Find someone who makes you shine.

Is Anybody Up There?

Well, after another sleepless night filled with weird and frightening dreams, I woke up early in my bed. The light of the day was just starting to shine through the curtains and of course, instead of simply rolling over and drifting back into blind sleep, the stupid cogs in my head had to start turning. Try as I might, I can never get this dumb motor in my skull to shut off for a second. The more I asked it to stop so I could recover some much needed sleep, the more it started whizzing around. So I decided to just lie there.

Me and God have a sort of love/hate relationship. I say I love him and he shows me how much hate he can have for someone. Of course I'm joking, but sometimes I do wonder if there is anyone up there looking down over me. In this age of science and reason, it takes a lot to persuade anyone to put their trust blindly in someone which could've quite possibly been constructed to ease man's fear of death. Me especially. 

Don't get me wrong, if there was some holy war or some calling I had to do, I'd do it without question. Deep down, I know I'll always be a good person. But when it comes to some things, I have a hard time trying to believe in God fully. In fact, a sense of silliness comes over me whenever I find myself talking randomly to the big guy in the sky. And this morning felt like a silly morning, so I thought I'd give it a crack.

So in a half-asleep stupor I starting babbling out my thoughts and hopes and fears to God in hope that it'd ease my mind. He's one tough bargainer - he managed to rope me into at least one session of church, some chores, some Bible reading time and a few covenants for his help in resolving the situation with Vikki (which ain't easy since I am strictly a non-religious religious person). Let's see if he delivers. You see, when I talk to God, strangely, he's like me. He's fair and promises to help at a price. It makes me wonder if we even talk to God at all and not some part of our uncontrolled subconscious.

It really helped though to get all my thoughts off my chest, even if I was completely convinced anyone was listening. Some how I managed to get through most of today not thinking all that much about my woes - I can definitely see the merits of passing on your sins to God etc. I just hope that the situation with Vikki can be resolved. In the end, I just want her to be happy and I promised God that if she really didn't want me around any more, then I'd accept that. I think in some ways, I was putting my happiness before hers which isn't a relationship at all, so I'm putting her first now. Look at me, I sound really silly now because you probably think I'm some religious nut. Well, the truth is far from it.

Me and my parents went through a few churches when I was young and each one had the same problems - Cliques, ignorance, intolerance and greed, they all have them in one extreme or another. The final straw for me was seeing the church bouncers throw out a homeless man for praying and preaching anti-gay sentiments. I'm not going to get into gay rights or anything right now, but I just feel that these qualities are not what God would've wanted for his churches. And besides, the church is the people, not the building, so I spend my Sundays at home or doing something I enjoy.

So for me religion is a flawed society which has strayed far from where it was intended to go. I don't know why I let God rope me into going back to church, or why I'm telling you guys this since I probably sound half mad, but if it helps the situation between me and Vikki, then I'm quite prepared to let the uncontrolled part of my subconscious have a little play. In any case, it's not as if I have anything better to do.

What's Taking So Long?

Well, the effects of the walk have worn off a little, but I'm still much better than my previous weeks. I just really want to sort things out with Vikki; just get back together with her and make things work. Unless the path we take isn't that way inclined. The feeling in my chest is back again and it always makes me nervous. I've written down what I need to ask, I've sent her everything she needs to know, so why do I still feel this way? It's annoying and makes me wonder what's going to happen. I really do pray everything goes as I plan, you reader already know that life isn't one to abide by my plans, no matter how sound.

The thoughts of not knowing what I'm doing with my life have re-entered my mind and they're driving me crazy. I need to find a purpose soon or I'm just going to become one of those dependent losers needing a woman to feel whole. Maybe I already am one of those. All I know is that this silence, forced or not, is driving me bonkers. I need to speak and to resolve. And it's happened before.

Ever since I was a child, I could never simply sleep on an argument. Not only would I not get any sleep if I tried to, but it would surely only fester. No, for me I had to talk the argument through right then and there until whatever ungodly hour in the morning. Vikki is not like that unfortunately, and not many people in my family are. I don't think anyone close to me gets how bad it feels for me to keep anything locked away inside me. I bet Vikki doesn't even care what this is doing to my internal organs. Sigh.

The Walk

I've found out I'm a pretty screwed up person lately. I know that Vikki doesn't have internet yet in her new home, that I've said everything I need to in my last email to her and that there's no point moping around waiting for her reply. And yet I do. I actually think this last month has wiped about 5-10 years off my already probably short life span. When communication is cut off, I just don't know how to cope. Thoughts just bounce around in my head and multiplay and fester like a wound. Nothing heals it until I speak to who I need to. And even then, undoubtedly I will think of several more worries as soon as I've finished talking. I have so many questions right now, which I've pestered both myself, my parents, you my loyal readers and many others with for the past few weeks. 

Do you still love me? Do you still want to be in a relationship with me? Did you mean that you weren't going any where? Did you mean that you weren't like other people? Why does it feel like you're treating me like someone you've met off the street? Why can't we be together? Why does it seem like you've moved on? Do you care at all that I'm hurt? If you love me so much, why aren't you fighting for me? Why?

Can you imagine this beating around in a head which is already full with memories of friends committing suicide, families disowning you, school work and cricket teams dumping you. And now make this fly through like a snowball picking up steam at a million miles per hour. Then factor in this being your first love, the feelings of being hurt and betrayed and not having the communication which you want and need and not knowing if everything's going to be alright with no one you can talk to. Don't feel pity for me, I just want my brain to stop sometimes. Sometimes I can't even collect my thoughts they're going so fast. Even when I sleep my brain throws out dream after dream. I'm never at peace and nobody around me gets it.

I like adventures and today, I felt like one to get me out of this funk. However, no one in my family was willing to do the kind I wanted. Sure on a normal day, bowling or a walk around a park would have been sufficient. But today, I wanted to smash the shit out of something. I wanted to push my body to a burnt shell of itself. Something so different and hard that it would take my mind of my hurt and onto my bodily hurt from the punishment I would be sending my way. So I decided to just leave everyone behind and walk. Not just any walk, but the mother of all walks. Admittedly, I was stupid when I set off - I grabbed no money, no cellphone or sunscreen during the hot midday sun. I just left with me and my clothing. 

I'd been planning this walk for a while. The truth is, I was planning it for me and Vikki when she came over so that we could spend the day out taking photographs and enjoying each other, but I'd wanted to scope it out first to see how long it'd take. In the city where I live we have these amazing bays - beach and rock pool-lined bays where the roads wind on and on. As a child I'd been driven around them countless times - my fondest memories are being driven around at night listening to old songs with my parents. Every now and again we still go on those drives, but the sound system in our new car sucks, so it's not nearly as fun. I'd set my sights on walking around them. Holy moly, what a mission. At least I can rule out ever taking Vikki on a walk around them if we ever get back together.

I started at 1:00 pm and by the time my dad picked me up, it was 4:00 pm. I started off and walked and walked and walked. I only made it halfway however - without my cellphone or cash, there was no way I'd make it back in time to avoid my mother biting my head off if I went the whole way. I found a phone at a surf club and called home, but I achieved exactly what I intended. Not once did I feel down or sad because of Vikki. I hardly even thought about the whole thing. All I could focus on was the sun burn I was getting, the tiny footpaths and the big trucks looming up on me as I tried to cross them. Everything was perfect - the cicadas and crickets were in full bloom with their sounds melting into the waves beside me. Every so often a car would drive by and a couple with children or dogs would pass by with their smiles. The things I saw - I really did feel like Frodo from The Lord Of The Rings as I watched my suburb grow smaller and eventually vanish with each turn and bay I traversed.

I know, this isn't like my usual depressive and sad self. To tell the truth, whether it was the sun, sea or fresh air and exercise, the walk really did do the trick. I am talking more and definitely much happier than before. Most importantly is that I don't feel so rushed to talk to Vikki any more. My only regret is not finishing the walk. I came so close and would have if I hadn't been concerned for my mum. I plan to complete it later on before winter completely sets in. Thank goodness I did walk it out first before I took anyone on a date, let alone Vikki. I can imagine my date dumping me as soon as we reached home, covered in sweat and the shoulder strap from her camera having worn a deep furrow into her skin. Probably a slap too.

Along my way I saw what my country really has to offer - such a beautiful coast line and sea which many people overlook. It really was a wonderful experience and despite traversing the length of several suburbs and valleys in my quest for personal enlightenment and a furious sun tan, I'd do it again in a heart beat. Nothing entered my head. No worries, no thoughts. Just my pace and my feet hitting the hard concrete and sand. Just the birds overhead and the sea lapping my side. The dead penguin and the shady people at the public toilet. The cute dog bouncing over the waves. Just peace.

Sorry reader if I disappoint for straying from my usual rant about how my life sucks, which at times it does, but this experience was amazing and really helped. Now let's just hope that the effects don't wear off and that everything I desire comes to fruition. And maybe, I won't have to walk alone forever. Goodnight reader, where ever you are.

What Am I Becoming?

Today has been no better. It's like someone has grabbed my life and started to twist it. It's not even my life any more. I really do feel like I'm barely coping minute to minute and my only purpose is to survive until my death. The joy has just vanished. Even a week ago there was some joy, but it is no more. I can't cope. I need someone to just descend from the heavens and just take my hand and make everything better. I cannot see any other way this is going to get better. I see no out. I've lost the woman I love, I've lost what was making me happy, I've lost all motivation, all hope, all love. I feel like I've lost everything. And most of all, I've lost myself.

How am I to ever trust another so much again? In the space of a month I've turned from a positive, out going and happy person to someone who is struggling to cope when his mind is not at least completely occupied in fear of a complete break down. A shell. An empty shell of myself and what if I can never get it back? I opened myself up to her so much and she's burnt me so deep - how can I recover? I feel like there's no fixing this. I feel ashamed, but I really just want to die. I have no purpose, no reason. What could I possibly achieve in my life?

I just want this to be over. I want to book a flight right now and fly over to Vikki and just talk. I am so hurt. Everything we planned is not going to happen. All the dreams we had, lost. Every hour which we spent talking is wasted. Not just over a month or two, but nearly a year. That's so much of myself I shared, more probably than I've shared with my parents in some cases. And I'm expected to just start again? And what happens if that doesn't work out? Start again after that? I don't want to become one of those detestable people who shut themselves so tight that they can't be loved. Just so they don't get burnt again. And I certainly don't want to get burnt any more.

As I'm writing, my cat is lying next to my chair. I both envy and pity him. What a life. No love or worries. No expectations and if he dies, no regrets. He doesn't look back and wish he'd chased more mice or eaten more food. Climbed the highest tree or crossed the road one last time. No, he is happy. His success is just having lived. And I envy that. Why can't I just find the joy in living. I'm sure my cat would cope much better if his cat girlfriend just left. And yet I pity him. He can never feel love or joy like we can. Maybe it's our duty to feel this pain and love.

For me, it's hard - a life without love or pain, or one with both. I look back, finding it hard to see a positive on the whole situation. Yet would I do it again? I know I certainly would have done things differently, but would I have ever gotten involved with Vikki if I had a second chance knowing what I know now? It was the first time I'd ever felt truly accepted: my body hair, my thinning hair, my age, my shy personality, everything. But in doing so, I allowed myself to get hurt so much. I was so vulnerable and I trusted someone to be careful with that. Looking at it, maybe it was fair. But certainly, it shouldn't have ended the way it has. And yet, maybe she meant something else in her email. And maybe it is over.

I see her moving on. A job and stuff to do, she said. Me? The best achievement I've made in the past month is managing to not have a nervous breakdown like I nearly had in February. There needs to be magic wand. I need it so badly right now. Maybe if I'd had thought less of myself or been more accepting, I would've ignored her friend's remarks and her un-supporting nature. Maybe if I'd never done a lot of things this would be different.

I've fought so long to keep Vikki that I'm not even sure I want this any more. I just want everything to be over. My mother's pep-talks can only last me a few hours before their effects wear off. And then I'm left with my questions and fears and hurt again. Please save me. I don't know who I'm asking, but I just need you. Someone to be there for me and to accept me. My parents are just not on the same emotional wave length as me at all and I have no one. Vikki was who I talked to and now I'm lost.

Restless

I can't sleep, nor do I feel like doing so. My mind keeps ticking over and I just can't help the anxiety. It's going to kill me if I don't calm down. I've never entertained the thought that one day, Vikki might not want me. She assured me so much that she wasn't like the other relationships I've had in my life, one-sided and ending with me left holding the pieces. Maybe I was wrong to trust so blindly in someone who has clearly just abused that fact. I feel like a fool. And now what am I to do? Move on? To who? I hardly go out any more since my school went extramural and once the cricket season is over, I'll have no reason to leave at all. Who is going to ever find me shackled to my house? What love and acceptance is ever going to find me there?

The moment Vikki said she didn't care about my age that night, my life changed for the better forever. I'll be forever thankful to her for that. Showing me that someone out there was willing to accept me for who I am and not judge me. To give me a chance and to love me. That is why this is so hard. I am alone on this earth. She was the only one who truly accepted me. She saw me at my worst and at my best and everywhere in between. And she didn't care. This is a real shock to me and if it turns out that she definitely does not want a relationship with me any more, then I'm going to be puzzled for the rest of my life.

If I can give some advice to anyone reading, do not ever fall for someone over the internet and absolutely do not get too deep so fast. And it goes without saying, do not get too deep too fast with someone over the internet. It's a recipe for disaster. And yet in saying that, maybe I'm just the exception. Maybe I'm the only one who can't even keep a relationship afloat. Maybe this relationship would have been doomed even in real life. Maybe. All I know is that I have consumed one pack of corn chips which I didn't even like all that much and that the taste is now residing both gleefully and annoyingly in the back of my throat. I hope it doesn't go to my waist - there should be a law of nature that states no fat should be gained from food eaten whilst wallowing over a lost love.

But then again, life doesn't like me remember...

What Do I Do?

What do I do? I've been asking myself this a lot lately. I'd had enough and sent Vikki an email tonight asking for closure and to know what was going to happen between us. I needed to know because this limbo is killing me. Slowly and surely, it is killing me. Killing my life from within. I explained my thoughts carefully and politely. I didn't respect a reply. Vikki hadn't replied to any of my emails for nearly a month. A cold wall of silence which was driving me more insane than the prospect of losing my love. But then something happened which I didn't expect.

I looked a moment ago and there was a reply. And in it, Vikki wished me good luck in whatever I put my heart to and that I'm free like I've always been. What am I supposed to make of that? That she's cutting me loose? I feel as if I've never meant anything to her and that I have been sent away into the cold. I feel like shit. No masks, no lies - I feel like utter shit. A piece of shit on someone's shoes who's walked me through the house and just wants to clean me up before I get in the way. What does this mean?

I guess I was hoping for the "I still love you and want to be with you" reply, but maybe she never loved me. If that is the case, how dumb am I? How could I have been so blind? Surely it isn't true. If it is, she is not the woman I loved. Not the woman which would have handled my heart with care and respect. Like I did with hers. I feel used and abused and worthless. I guess I feel dumped. And yet I am only speculating. Maybe I'm misinterpreting? Or maybe I am just a schmuck who doesn't know when he's nothing anymore.

And I have no one to confide in. No one but you anonymous reader who is but reading upon this sorry saga. You can do nothing. I can do nothing. All is gone and no more. I always believed in the saying that you reap what you sow. And I only sowed good and love into the relationship. I was the best partner I could be and respected her as highly as I could. Above and beyond. So why do I feel so betrayed? So crushed? So ruined? Reap what you sow? What a pile of rubbish. If it were true then I'd have Vikki in my arms right now.

I really thought in being a good partner, more than any I know, that life would give me a break. That life would see I was being good and just and simply make something right for me. That it would give me something that glimmers and is special for me alone. But no. Not for me, never for me. A cursed wretch of life I am. It can fuck with me all it likes and I have no reply. No safe haven I can turn to and assume the fetal position in. Dropped from the cricket team I play for, my promised job given to someone else, sleepless nights and mornings, bruises and scrapes from where I was beaten by someone I won't name. What is this life of mine?

Don't pity me. I have always lived by the rule that these are the best years of my life. All the years I am truly happy are useless. But all these many, many years where I am miserable are the ones I truly learn in. And boy am I learning. I just wish the lessons would stop. The incessant lessons. I get it already life! Stop punishing me for whatever I've done and let me be happy for once in my fucking life you prick. There! You've made me break and bend. I know that you only mess with me life to see if I will. Like some sick child with a magnifying glass zapping ants for fun, you sick fuck.

And yet life, I can't live without you. Give me a break and we can both get our way. Just give me a break. I'm at the edge of my life here and you continue to push me. Don't push me any more. Just don't push...

Questions For The Wind

I felt morose tonight, watching the sun's rays fade against the evening sky from my bedroom window. Watching the world go by without me. I feel like I'm nothing. What am I doing with my life? Everything I do, I start with gusto, but it fades and I'm left holding my life wondering if what I'm doing is right. I have this continual fear that I don't have long to live and every moment wasted on my behalf is exaggerated in my eyes. Every moment I am idle I rue. Yet everything I do never seems to be enough in the end. What is my purpose on this earth? What is the reason for my life? I ask these questions, but they're only heard by the wind, who takes them along as it goes by, only to forget me.

Ever since Vikki left my purpose has disappeared. Some men may value their success by money, a career or the amount of sex they have. My success is a family. A wife who I can care for and children I can raise. Am I selfish? I am beginning to think I am - What if I only miss Vikki so because she made me feel successful? I thought it was because I missed talking to her and trying to make her happy, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just a self-centred person who only cares for himself. I hope not.

I had forgotten Vikki for the past week, simply getting on with my life, but today it has flowed back to me. A wave of fears and questions with no answers. I look out upon that fading sky, wondering if she is looking upon it too. All I can see is the time we are wasting apart. I want her to just forget everything and jump on board with me. I'm sitting at the station and I need to go, but I can't leave without her. I cannot wait for long. Every moment I wait for anything is a moment lost. Small graces are short lived - a game of cricket or a movie - and when their golden glow fades, I'm left looking upon my life wondering what is my true purpose. What am I here for? What am I here for? What am I here for?

Today was a day of disappointment. Two jobs which I applied for fell through. An email I sent to Vikki a few days ago still had no reply. Questions of my life appeared in my mind. Everything I do seems mediocre and small in the scale of a life, yet I cannot think what I need to fulfill me. How do some simply exist with no worries or regrets? With no fear of death or if they will mean something in their life? I want Vikki back, but is it for me, us or her? We both love each other still, but am I too reliant on the relationship to make me happy? Am I doing enough in my life? Should I be doing more now or have faith that I will live longer than I expect?

All these questions and no answers. With Vikki's absence my life and happiness have been put into question and I am turning up short on resolutions. I better get some soon or I fear this hole will grow wider and deeper and soon, maybe even the wind won't reach me to listen.

The Rut

Well, I broke my own rules today and checked my emails. As I suspected, nothing from Vikki but the icy shoulder. I'm less hurt than I thought I'd be, but it's still upsetting. It's as if I never even existed to her. That I'm just someone she can leave behind to wallow in this rut I've made for myself. And it really is my own fault. I should never have pinned all my hopes to her and all my dreams. I guess it's me though. Every relationship I've ever had is intense. Every relationship I'll go to the ends of the earth for you. I know I'm mistaken now when I say I thought she'd do the same.

I felt so lost today. I don't know what I'm doing with myself any more, or what my future holds. My art has dried up. Heck, I can't even bring myself to draw anything without the hurt tearing a hole in my heart.Vikki has left a huge chasm in my life and I am so furious at myself for letting myself wallow so. I know I should just be getting on with my life, but I can't seem to do it. I just can't seem to stop thinking about what we had and what's going to happen. About this hurt.

When I was with her, I was never like this. If she was on holiday or couldn't talk, I never worried. But now that we're not talking for good, I just can't get over it. I feel pathetic and useless. I've been a horrible person to live with lately and everything I enjoyed I no longer do. Some men may equate success with money, a job or a career. Me? I don't care much for those things. For love, I would give up the highest paying job to live on the streets. My success is a family and a happy wife. I really thought I could have that with Vikki. She made me feel like I was successful. Every time she'd say I was the best boyfriend ever or that she loved me, I'd feel this swelling joy in my heart that I have not felt since she has left.

I don't even know if I'm making sense or not, but reader, this is agony. This horrid, rancid rut with the decaying corpses of my past and future which I must sleep and live in is agony. Why can't I cope without her? I thought I was being brave and moving on like a good soldier. But now my thoughts are just jumbled and I dare not tell anyone for fear of the truth. The truth which I already know. The truth that I am one pathetic individual. Why would any girl want me?

The joy is just not there any more. Why am I relying on Vikki to be in control of my joy? I know it is wrong, but like a magnetic force, I can do nothing, it seems, to crawl out of this rut. Maybe I'm meant to die in here. Maybe it's justice.

Love/Hate

These past few days have been strange for me. Every day I go through at least one cycle of loving and then hating Vikki, or vice versa. This is why I've barred myself from sending her messages - the one in the morning will sing her praises and profess how I love her. The one in the afternoon says she's mucking me around and that I wish I'd never met her. If I make it to midnight, I'll usually send an apology saying how much I love her again. I don't know what to make of it.

I haven't checked my email in nearly 4 days now, a short time to some, but an agonizingly long period for me. I know that if I succumb to my inner voice and check them, I'll only be disappointed to see that she has not sent me anything. However, the little ounce of annoying hope inside me screams to check my emails because she's probably sent me something. What an optimist.

I really am trying to forget her but everything around me is remind me so much of her. Anything Australian or to do with unicorns or anything we shared together just drives me crazy. And to top it all off, I met an Australian girl yesterday who looked exactly like Vikki and loved photography and, believe it or not, was named Nikki. It's as if they're taunting me, whoever is in charge of this life of mine. It doesn't help that I'm sick and must dwell indoors with only my thoughts to accompany me.

A Place Of Dying

I went with my family to see my grandmother (the good one, not the one which disowned us) at the nursing home where she now resides. I don't like rest homes - between the stench of shit, piss and death and the fact no one there knows you, even the one you're related to, there's not much to like about them. You basically go there to die. It's where the cattle goes to live out it's life where no one can see them or hear them. I always fear I'll end up like them, my body a prison for my mind. Do they know deep down where they are or what's happening? I can only imagine the terror, seeing yourself sit day in and day out wallowing until one day you beg for your death. I never want to end up like that. I want a long, good life, but not one where it ends with me being there.

My grandmother was good. Her words trailed off now and then, but for a moment, she recognized me. The hardest part was knowing that our visits are the highlight of her life now, the only feature which separates the monotonous drone of nothing. She asked what the time was, as if she'd realized she'd been in her room for years and that outside the walls around her breathed a world which carried on. I can only imagine it being similar to being grounded inside your room while your friends play outside. Only that it isn't your friends and that your room is actually a nightmare where you are merely an onlooker into your own world. Helpless.

As we went to drive off, a few varied old people tried to attack the car as if it was some B-Grade zombie flick. It's always difficult leaving, not knowing if your loved one will still be there the next time you visit. It puts your life into perspective. And perspective for me is only depression.

Why should I wait for Vikki when I could be gone tomorrow? What a wasted life if I die and nothing I wanted is complete. All my life I've feared dying young. Young and unfulfilled. And Vikki gave me that fulfillment. I pinned all my hopes and dreams and love to her bright star like a fool. Every word I ever uttered to her I gave away. All the plans of marriage and children. Heck, even our first kiss. I pinned them all to her and she simply flew away taking them all with her without a care for me or how I am to continue without everything I gave away. Do I wait for her or do I carry on?

I have but a small amount of hope in my heart and it that which is killing me. I do not simply want to cast this hope away incase Vikki comes back to me - if I've cast it away I will surely not want her back. But if I keep this hope I will feel like a fool and I will surely cast aside any other love which tries to enter my life. So what must I do? Wait or not wait? Remember or forget? I really do wish someone would gift me a sheet of answers so that I may pass this time in my life.

I am waiting in my heart, but with each day that passes I can feel my hatred growing. I fear that when she returns, I'll hate her so much that I will resent her every breath. Try as I might to simply forget her, this pain from my broken heart continues to resound in my diaphragm. And it really is a physical sensation. From my heart to my stomach I can feel a weight. A dilemma. I will try to forget her and what has happened. If I live freely and do let other loves into my life if they come, then I can't resent her. And it will also stop me feeling so upset about her too.

All I know is that I don't want my heart to become a place of dying.

Hunted

I feel like prey being hunted in the night. I don't know what's following me or why, but I know it's there. It's like a physical presence behind me and no matter how long I try and stay in front of it, I know it's going to catch up to me. Whether it's the truth of my feelings, my actions or just the late nights, I know it's there, trailing my every move ready to pounce. Now I truly know how that little buffering bar feels on YouTube videos when the play bar finally meets up with it.

It's quite unsettling and I've tried to run from my feelings for a long time. Lately I've been masking them with my anger and my depression and my numbness. But maybe it's time that I stopped running from whatever is chasing me and turn around to face it. Maybe then I can live as I want. For now, I'll keep on running and keep on looking behind my shoulder into the cold night, waiting for that beast to emerge from the bushes. Until I can stop and face my fears.

Food For Thought

Well tonight was a family night out, a chance to forget my woes and problems. It didn't work. The restaurant was swarming with girls and it just made me feel annoyed seeing all those happy couples together, canoodling against the candle light. My parents can't see what's eating me inside and my only outlet is a blog shared with complete strangers. I do find it ironic sometimes. So as I sat and devoured my plate of ribs, porcine rib by porcine rib, my mind was racing. I'd sent a Happy Valentines Day email to Vikki a few nights ago and she'd chosen to ignore it. Obviously she doesn't care, so why should I? Why should I sit and miss her so and miss out on life just because she isn't ready for a relationship? How do I even know if she's coming back to me?

I've decided that come what may, I'm moving on. If she can't get her act together, then I'm not chasing ghosts for the rest of my limited youth. If she wants to get back together, then I'll see then, but I am certainly actively looking now. My parents had put it nicely in that there's many more fish in the sea - I would've liked Vikki, but if it's not meant to be then there's no point sticking around when we could both be happy else where. Despite my new resolute decisions, I still have my doubts. Deep inside of me there's a conflict. One side says I should just move on. The other says no. Which is correct?

I'm always so considerate and kind, especially to the ones I love. Saying that I'm just going to move on and actively seek other people seems so unlike me, so inconsiderate to Vikki and cruel in a way - after all, it still seems she wants me, but just doesn't know how. However, what if this considerate side of me is just a mask I show myself? A mask to fool myself into thinking I'm a nice person? What if I've always been the opposite and once again, I'm hiding the truth, but this time from me.

All I know is that sometimes, I don't even know myself any more.

Missing You

Today was hard for me. Some idiot made fun of my voice and it just made me think of Vikki. She wouldn't have done that. She thinks my voice is sexy. I just missed her a lot today. I've been praying every night that she's happy, well looked after and finds someone for her, even if it isn't me. This just proves that I wear a mask with everyone, even God. What I really want to ask him is to send her back to me so I can love her and she can love me like we have been. To fix out the problems and give us a happy life together. But that'd be selfish. 

And so, even with his Almighty I wear a mask. Whether he can see past it or not, I don't know. All I know is that I feel lost without Vikki and you are are probably getting bored shitless listening to me pine on like some lost puppy. I dunno, I guess strangely, I made this blog just for me, to help through times when I need it. Hopefully it'll help someone out there eventually, most likely what not to do.

Bleeding...

Walking around today I felt like a wounded animal, bleeding onto the floor around me - a deep wound which is pouring me dry. I'd pass people with my happy face and wonder if they saw behind my eyes. Through the mask, the one that says I'm fine and that I'm not hurting. But I am. There were couples everywhere in town today. Happy, lovely couples. And every time I passed each one, they'd stare into my eyes and I'd think for a moment they saw my pain.

I'm just numb. I don't care much about anything anymore. I don't even have the strength to argue with my dad or feel anything but this overwhelming ocean of nothing. Out there is the one I love. I just want to make her happy and protect her and be the one for her. I'm just so confused about the whole affair and as to what I should do. It's like my life is on standby - I may be throwing myself into new situations and experiences, but I know it's only to stop me from topping myself, so in a way, that's a form of waiting as well. So I guess I will be waiting for Vikki, whatever I do. I am just bleeding and no one knows why. But me.

Will You Be My Valentine?

Alone yet again and as if life was intending to add insult to injury, on Valentines Day no less. Watching my parents swap their love cards and head off to see a movie should be a nice occasion, but all it has served is to make me feel enraged. As soon as they left I threw what could only be called a "big boy's tantrum", where a certain object was smashed against my bed's leg post numerous times. Of all the days to be alone. 

I remember last year's Valentines Day quite clearly - two girls from my art school took pity on me and gave me two cards saying "We hope you don't stay a bachelor for long". And I was actually fine being alone. Vikki hadn't come along and shown me what it was like to be accepted and loved and to be in love. Like a user in detox, I can't live without it. I'm in a deep depression. I feel helpless and lost.

Of course I want Vikki to just be happy, even if it's not with me. But we have both said we clearly want each other. All that stands in the way is her own thoughts. I cannot do anything to help or speed things along. It's like the song I've been listening to on and off for the last few days "Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain" by the Cascades. How can I love another when my heart is so far away? I want to move on if there's no chance between us, but we both still love each other. So it means I have to wait, but I certainly don't know how long for. I just don't want to become one of those people who waits for nothing. Yet I can't bear to think of me sharing my first kiss with another girl.

I have no game plan. No way to work the situation out. At the moment I can only see one option - pretend I'm not waiting for Vikki to be ready for a relationship, but really I am waiting. And to satisfy my self-objections to waiting, if anyone really special comes along, then I'll consider following that avenue. I wish there was some magic wand or way to speed time up. But there's not.

What's killing me is that this is my shot. You only have one life and one chance. I believe in God but I don't know if there's anything after this. I just don't want my life to end with regrets. Happy Valentines Day reader, may yours be more fruitful.

Well It Is My Life...

So what did you expect? Everything to turn out all nice and rosy? Everything was going great with Vikki and my life; I'd created a masterpiece at school of the headmaster as a zombie, had a great Christmas, joined a local cricket team and made plans with the one I truly love, Vikki. Now we're just playing pass the break-up with each other and exchanging yes/no messages. It all started a while ago, back when we were first getting together, and like a train, it trudged slowly on through our relationship until it reached its destination - our demise.

Me, Vikki, her brother and our friends all used to hang out together online, but when we started to go out, we'd spend more and more time together. After a while, we'd only come online and speak to each other. Soon her brother Matt and his friends became restless, thinking I was somehow controlling her and making her only hang out with me. They'd growl at her, I'd growl at them, the brother would then growl at me and it'd just end up with everyone fighting. Me and Vikki's brother stopped talking and it was the same with his friends. And then I did something stupid.

About a month ago, I decided to give the two friends a second chance. However I quickly learned they were only trying to be nice to me because they somehow thought it would get them more time with Vikki. Unbeknownst to me, their plan worked. Soon Vikki and the two friends (Who I shall now refer to as Dick and Tracy) began spending time together. Not needing me any more, naturally they became rude towards me, saying that I liked to suck my dad's dick and everything else childish under the sun. I have a tough skin, built over years of bullying, but then something happened which I didn't expect.

I've always been brought up with the notion that you always support your partner. My father always told me "No matter what son, always support your wife" and my mother would say "Even if she's fighting with your parents, you support her". So I was quite surprised when I told her all this and Vikki turns around to me and says she's still going to spend time with them. I'd always felt like the girl in the relationship and this was no exception. She should've just stopped contact with them right then and there. I shouldn't even have to ask, especially when I'd stopped seeing friends that'd been mean to her. It was the beginning of the end.

The next night I broke up with her. I'd been backed into a corner - either remain and let myself be disrespected by having my own partner ignore the fact I'm being bullied by her friends or go and throw away everything we'd worked on. Well I'd have never respected myself ever again if I'd stayed, so I left. That night I nearly had a mental breakdown and collapsed. It was actually quite good as I was docile when Vikki said she wanted to talk that night. She said she needed some space to sort out her issues so we could start a new chapter of our relationship. So I gave her all the space she needed.

The first few days were hard. My parents bore the brunt of it and by the time it was over, my mother loathed the name Vikki. But after a week, Vikki said she wanted to talk. So we talked and instead of the bright new chapter I'd been hoping for, I received the "It's not you, it's me" speech. Apparently she'd realized it was all her fault and that she wasn't relationship material. So I was dumped as usual.

Strangely, we were still allowed to talk, hang out, be naughty together and everything like before, with the exception of being actually called a "couple". I said I'd wait for as long as she needed to get herself ready, but after a week, I had questions mounting and worries building faster than wild fire. So then we reach present tense - I told her I shouldn't have to wait and that it wasn't fair on either of us since she didn't know how long we would have to wait. In my life, I get excited by what's around the corner, what I'm doing and keeping active. I can't be stagnant or I rot. It was inevitable. So now for my Valentine's Day, I'm alone. I was so close to not being alone, but here I am.

I'll always love Vikki and who knows, maybe there's a place for us in the future. Maybe we'll find someone else before then and move on. Maybe we'll just never recover. Whatever the case, I don't like this no mans land between. It's so vast and lonely in here and I've been wandering for my whole life with no comfort or peace. Like a mirage on the horizon, people and places come and go, touching my life, but never staying. I look back on them from time to time and cry because I know I'll never have them again. so now that you're all depressed from my sob story, so hug the one you love and do something for them without them having to ask you. Don't let them be alone. It's not very nice...

 I've decided to do my studies from home and focus on working. I've gotten into promotional gigs and the like. It's good pay, got the humiliation factor for embarrassing 21st birthday party stories and you get to meet some nice people. Anything's better than wallowing alone.