Tired

I feel different some how. I'm upset now not because of what I've lost and how unfair everything is, but more because I'm just sad Vikki has chosen to leave because I love her. She's got it stuck in her mind that she cannot be in a relationship until she is ready. But what she doesn't get is that when she is ready is only up to her, not some random sign from the heavens. Until she gets that she'll just be stuck in this limbo forever. And it's a real shame - she wants to be with me and I with her, but it'll never be until she understands she's the master of her own universe.

I think it's pretty near to me having met her exactly 1 year ago. I want to be able to celebrate this with someone. I want to be in a relationship with her. It's so frustrating because she's not just messing around with her life, but mine too. She never gave me a choice or say in anything that's happened and there's no way I can fix anything. If she wanted to be a good girlfriend, then all she needed to do was do that. It's hilarious because she didn't know how simple being a good girlfriend was and yet she left because she didn't know how.

I never asked her to be perfect. I never said we couldn't work on these problems together. I certainly am not perfect. It's just so warped I don't even know what to say any more. I must say that it is getting easier though. It really is. I'm beginning to notice myself thinking of a future without Vikki and finding someone else and how silly it all is in the end. But on the other hand, I'm also finding out how much I love her. But is it love or just my fear of not finding someone else?

Admittedly, I'm scared no one else will find me attractive. My hair isn't growing back and I can't stay wrinkle-free forever. How am I ever going to find someone I'm so attracted to, so emotionally linked to and who cares about me like she did? Someone who is willing to put up with my bullshit sometimes and someone who can get kinky or romantic with me? I'm scared, but I know it's probably possible. I just don't want to be wasting these prime years of my life. She shouldn't be either. Even if it's not with me, I just want her to be happy. It'll kill me if it isn't with me, but if I know she's happy then I really wont care.

I do not understand how anyone would want to be alone. It's so great having someone special there to tag along and know what you're going through. To have someone to trust and talk to. There's something I wanted to say, but I just can't remember it now. My thoughts are so muddled it's not even funny. I just want to hold her and kiss her. I want to show someone the love I have. Someone special and who loves me back. I wanted it be her. It should be her. I don't just throw "The One" out there, but she knew that's how I felt and she said she felt the same too.

You don't do this to the one. If they are the one, then who cares if you aren't the best at a relationship, you know they'll still be there in the end. They'll give you the space you need to fix yourself up, but don't just walk away. And if they're not the one, then she should've just told me. I'm afraid to say she's being very selfish. People who want to be with one another don't do this. And I apologize if she didn't want to get committed so early on in her life, but she knew I did and she had said the same. I love her, I really do. I know it's a big deal to plan your life with someone else in mind, but that's about being partners. It's about being one.

Why can't two people be in love and end up together? God gives love to schmucks and assholes, and he can't give a break to someone who would cherish a woman forever. Someone who believes in true love. It all just blows my mind. It's bullshit really. I just wish Vikki would at least see it's her choice, not anybody else's. Not some sign or magical signal that she's ready. No one is ready. I just want to know if we'll be together when she's ready, if she'll ever be ready or if not. If not, I can just move on. It'll break my heart, but I know it's for the best.

I dunno, I've just been saying the same things to myself every night before bed and whenever I'm feeling down or unsure: "I am a good person", "I am desirable", "There is a life after Vikki", "I will find someone else", "I am a good boyfriend" and "Everything is going to be okay". I hate being positive about myself because I hate big-heads. But I know it's true. I know I'm a good person and if I can fake it until I make it, then I'll be a positive person in no time. As soon as I've finished telling myself that I always feel so much better.

Everyone I've told my sob story to thinks I'm a catch and that Vikki doesn't know what she's missing out on. But the thing is, I'm not vindictive like that - I still love her so very much. And to tell the truth, and I know I shouldn't be putting myself down, but I don't think I'm that big a catch. I know I'm an excellent boyfriend, but I'm not the hottest guy and I'm certainly not the most bullet-proof either. And I know that if anyone else went through what I did with Vikki they'd never date her, but I can't help but be madly in love with her.

I feel like I'm going off track now, but I just miss her and I want to know if I should stay or go. I'm just sick of talking about it. I just want to fly to Australia and pick Vikki up and love her. Show her that we don't need to be alone and that problems don't matter. But this is no romance movie. This is real life and in real life shit happens.

I just really hope I can tell my kids about this one day. Whether they're Vikki's or someone else's, I do not know. I just hope I have some so all this crying and pain isn't in vain.

What To Do

Well I feel a tiny bit better. The feelings of suicide and ending it all have passed - I think it was just the shock of finding out Vikki could be so cold that really threw me. What's the most disappointing now is my phone counselor - she tries her best but she hasn't given me any tools to help deal with things or change my life. And worst yet, I can only talk for an hour before she begins to wind things up. It just highlights the fact I need to talk to my parents now - they can be there to help me and they don't have a time limit. My mum made an effort last night to talk to me and not get angry, but it'll take a while to get things where I need them to be.

So now what? I just wait for Vikki to reply and grace me with her presence? I can't seem to move on without getting closure from her and I just want to do it by myself. But to tell the truth, I'm still madly in love with her and I know I'm a fool. But what do I do now? I feel like one of those girls sitting by the phone waiting for a date to ring, only wait all day for nothing. A day wasted. But in this case, it's been two months and not a day. Why can't she just be nice and do something which will help me unimaginably? I've had so much to say and ask which you only can when the person is there.

The thought of her and that asshole Tracy spending time together for hours when she knew I wanted to talk to her is just so hard to get over. It's just so inconsiderate. I cannot believe the saying "You reap what you sow". The way I get treated sometimes it's like I'm the worst person in the world. I was ever considerate of Vikki's feelings and would talk when she wanted to at the drop of a hat. If she was down I'd go and pick her up and if she was lonely I'd go and spend time with her. If someone picked on her, I stood up for her and stopped talking to the person. She never did that. And now she not only spends time with that person for hours, but completely drops me when I need to talk, feeling lonely and hurt and betrayed.

Why do I still love her? Why can't I move on? Why do I need closure so much? I just really hope that Vikki shows some compassion and just talks to me. That's all I want. I only ever wanted her to be happy because I love her, and yet if she loved me, surely she'd want the same? I'm clearly unhappy and yet she still avoids me. Love doesn't end when the relationship ends. You always love people in one form or another. Even a stranger on the street I feel love for and would console if they felt sad. And yet, I'm not even a stranger to her any more. It's just so... rejected. I really do not think she gets it at all. Maybe I was too nice being so considerate. I could've been cruel and told her when she wanted to take a break that we were over and that she meant nothing to me. I could've been a guy who hurt her. But I wasn't.

The most important thing now is that I don't want to become this pain I feel. I hope I can get through this. Well, so because my counselor couldn't help, I guess I'll need to come up with a plan. I want to be that happy and outgoing, happening guy which I was when I was with Vikki. I'd treat people with respect and care about things. I'd feel like I was worth something. I had goals and dreams that did not just include Vikki. I'd laugh and smile. I miss that guy. So what's the plan? To be honest, all I can think about is just getting a reply from Vikki and making it through until then. If I have to send her an email every day, I will. I don't care if I sound crazy - I need closure and I need to talk. It's my life and God damn it I want it to be good again.

It's Started Again

It's 7:30 am and it's started again. I didn't even get a good sleep. Not only did I have dreams about Vikki betraying me, but it also threw Laura in there too, just to make sure I woke up remembering all the betrayals of yesterday. I do not know what to do. I've got 12 hours before I can talk to anyone who knows what I'm going through. I know I'll be checking messages and my emails to see if she's sent me anything, and she wont have. Then the thoughts will just be bouncing around in my head until I speak to my counselor. And even then I suspect I'll be fine for a day, until Vikki either replies with something I don't expect or doesn't reply at all. Then it'll start all over again.

I'm shivering all over and I cannot do anything but get up and walk to random edges of the room and look blankly into an object. I'm losing it. It's taking all of me to write this and I feel like such a loser. There's this part of my which cannot do anything to untangle itself from this mess - this part might as well be all of me. Then there's this other part watching it all unfold, helpless to do anything. What if I'm already insane and I don't know it. Great, now I'll never find anyone. And why am I so obsessed with finding someone? What the fuck is wrong with me?! I just want to do what normal people do. I want a girlfriend who just says "Fuck you, I don't love you anymore". And when that happens, I want to just be the guy who goes out on the town with a few mates and comes back refreshed.

But no, I'm not like that. I cannot understand why. It is all fucked and today is already more than I can bear. If my mum wakes up and I can't fake happiness well enough, I really cannot be bothered putting up with her today also. So I've just got under 12 hours left. 12 hours until I know my thoughts are appreciated and heard by someone physical at the other end. Someone who cares. I just want someone to make it stop. I can't even breathe and Vikki is out there having a great time. It's more than I can handle. I want her to be happy. But I want her to be fair and when you've said we can't talk and everything to someone you supposedly loved, that's not fair. Not fair when you then just go and have a great time and not tell him you have time to talk. Even for 5 minutes. 

Oh my God oh my God oh my God. I cannot do this. Every second of every minute, all that I'm sad over comes rushing back in. All my mistakes, the what ifs, the regrets and sorrow from my life. I just want it to stop!

Betrayal

Today was bad, but tonight was getting better. I mean, I hadn't thought of topping myself for at least a whole 6 hours and I was feeling confident. Life, doesn't it have a sense of humour. I randomly just started looking at a site and saw to my surprise that Vikki has been online. For days. And not only that, but with Tracy! So here I am, the supposed "love of her life" and not only has she not said anything, or made any notion to talk despite my numerous attempts to (all greeted with "I'm too busy"), but she then goes and hangs out with the very guy who started the big fight which ruined us in the first place!

As soon as I saw it I felt like vomiting. I've felt like vomiting before, but never like this. I felt like crying and vomiting and slitting my wrists all with one clean motion. And I still might. I cannot do this. I'm out. I want this stupid charade to be fucking over. I poured my heart and soul into that woman and she's out without a care in the world. As I write this, I can't breathe, I can't think and I certainly cannot cope. Oh my God this is so fucking shit. And nobody fucking cares. Let's just have a fucking shit on Spawn Man day eh?

And no, it's not just her. Today an old friend - if we can even call her that - made out like she wanted to reconcile with me. Turns out she only wanted to betray me with her boyfriend. It's a long story which, unfortunately, I have time to tell. Basically, she's married (we'll call her Laura for now) and was having an online affair. She confided in me and I tried to help her. It worked for a while, then she gave up and went back to her bit on the side. I didn't like it, she took offense and she got all shitty and blocked me from contacting her. Out of the blue she sends me a message saying she's sorry and I come on tonight to sort it out. Turns out she shares her accounts with her boyfriend and they both start attacking me and rubbing in the fact they're having an affair online. And this is a woman with a husband and kids and a doctor's career!

Who finds love? Shit-heads like that. She had the looks (on the outside anyway), the career, the husband and the children. She doesn't even have to lift a finger and she can have her family. What does she do? Treats it like it means nothing to her. Squanders it. Not only that, openly flaunts the fact she's got two guys on the side all over her website. That's a cold bitch. And as for me? I try my hardest to find love and even the ones I get I can't keep. People who deserve things never get them and those who will only squander them always end up stinking of them.

So today has been hectic for me. And I'll agree, it's all online. But online isn't necessarily unreal. It's very real. There's real emotions and love and hate. Real people. You're reading my life and I'm real. You're real (hopefully). Anyone who says that things online are no big deal gets a bad mark in my books. But now I can't even enjoy myself online any more. Whether it's drama from an online girlfriend who I love, or someone I only tried to help turning on me with her boyfriend, or a group of players who betray me because they don't like the way I play, or things which remind me of all of them - it's all taking it's toll. 

I'm on a thin wire and a wind is coming. I can feel my life just hanging there, just wishing it can make it across before the next gust. These last few days I've never felt so alone. I haven't eaten or spoken in the last few days and my parents still do not even sense the real danger I'm in. And yet I can't tell them. All I can think about is just how I'm going to kill myself, who'd turn up to my funeral, if anyone would even care. About how my death would affect anyone, if I'd be tormented by having to watch Vikki continue on with her life or if my parents would cope. If I'd be scared after I'd done it and wish someone would save me, only to find my parents were watching television or something. Or if there'd just be a big black nothing and that it really was worth sticking around to at least make some contribution even if I was miserable. Maybe I should go out with a blaze and take out my bitch of a grandmother and cunt of an uncle with me. Or maybe I should just disappear and never be found.

Never before have I felt like this. So utterly betrayed and unloved. I'll admit, I was a bit weird sometimes in our relationship or go upset at odd things, but I was always reasonable and always tried my best. I knew when I'd done wrong and apologized. I knew when to comfort Vikki and when to support her. I bought her expensive gifts and returned them because she didn't wear earrings. So I'd buy her necklaces instead. I offered my home, my money and my heart to her. I never asked for it back. I did all this and yet I'm not even worth talking to. Not even a piece of shit on everyone's shoe. I'm praying for someone to just stand up and stop this film and go "Hey, this isn't fair!". But it's no film. There's no rewind or pause. There's a play and if I choose, a stop. The question is: Is the film going to get better?

Is the film going to give the guy a break? Is his life going to get better? Or is everything just going to spin out of control? All I know is that I want my parents to get out of the house and me and a bottle of strong alcohol are going to get acquainted. I don't even care which one - I've never been a drinker and even the smallest bit gets me tipsy. All I want is the one which will make me forget the most. The one which will be my friend and do something no one else can do - just stop this. And I mean, being upset at night I can cope with usually. But I'm waking up sad. It's like the sleep was just a short break in the nightmare and now I have a whole day ahead to endure. Another day of not being able to breathe. Another day of finding out just how much I'm unloved.

I just hope I make it until 7pm tomorrow. That's when my counselor's shift begins and I have someone I can talk to other than this stupid blog. And it really is stupid. A record of my stupid life for all to see. I hope you're all entertained. I hope God, you big fat fuck sitting in your angel-covered shit, I hope you're entertained. I'm sick of believing in someone just because we're all too scared to admit that there's nothing else out there. We all go to die in a cold fucking place and there's no afterlife. Just black and nothing. If there was a heaven then it'd pick me up now because everyone knows I've never done a bad deed in my entire life worthy of any of this and I don't want to have to commit suicide. I just want this to stop. 

The worst I've ever done is eat a chocolate in a store when I was a toddler and write my name on a wall at work and school. I've sworn at my parents and I've been a pain sometimes, but they know they wouldn't swap me for anyone else. I don't stay out, I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, have sex (God knows I try), I bring home good grades and I can socialize with the ability of more than a pea. So in the best humour I can muster at this moment - What gives? Why the fuck can't I just get a break? Okay, she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she's busy at work and everything. But do I need to know she's online and hanging out with the people who broke the camel's back? Do I really need to know that I'm that fucking unloved that the person I gave my heart and soul to really doesn't give a fucking shit whether I have a heart attack from all the stress or not? Do I really?!

Look do whatever. I don't know who that's directed at, but it can apply to everyone. Everyone can go get fucked. God, you can for obvious reasons. You want to smite me with your high and mighty powers? Fucking do it big guy! You useless sack of shit! At least make someone happy and fucking kill me right now. You readers. Do whatever the hell you want. Want to continue reading this fucking shit? Be my guest. You want to leave? Go ahead. I really do not care. Vikki? Well you can do whatever too! We've all got free choice here and you've chosen door number three - being an uncaring cow who seemingly cares more for just about everyone other than me. Congrats, you get the new car! As for me - you can do whatever too. All those rules which you spent your life making to make you a good person? A good, deserving person? Well all that is bullshit because it gets you nowhere buddy! As of now, the rules are off and you are free. Go drink and get fucked up because while you're at it, flip a coin and if it's heads, you get to to slit your wrists and if it's tails, find some long-worded drug and swallow the whole box.

As for everyone else? You can kiss my ass. Maybe my problems aren't as big as others'. But I don't give a shit. Keep the orphans in Africa speech for someone who hasn't hit rock bottom. All my life I've been bullied by people who don't care. Sometimes I don't think my parents care. The woman which showed me unconditional love and to which I gave my heart. She doesn't care. I'm always last to get picked. Always the overlooked one and the hated one. The guy which treats all the girls with respect and they take out the bad boy anyway. The guy who sits and wonders how people can have meaningless sex and can squander away a family and love like it means nothing. The kid who will always stick up for you against bullies, but is always left to stand up for himself when they turn on him. The guy who trusts and gets burnt and still wants to be loyal to you. The guy who is me.

I'm that guy. But no more. I'm sick of this fucking guy.

Breathless

Today has been so very hard for me already. From the moment I woke up I've felt this pain in my heart, thinking of Vikki. I can hardly breathe and my lungs feel heavy. The more I've thought about it, the worst it's gotten. No one to talk to with my councillor off duty and no friends or family to confide in, it's been me alone who's had to bear this burden. This cross I bear on my shoulders every day. No one to care enough. And me not giving them the chance to. I can't take this pain any longer. Not knowing what to do or how to fix it. The frustration at not being able to change a damn thing. This marathon I must run every day. I'm sick of running it. Over and over every day. The other runners streaking ahead while I flail helplessly at the back. And just before I finish I'm transported back to the start again.

There must be something I can do or change to feel happy again. Vikki doesn't want to be in a relationship. There's nothing I can do. She obviously cares nothing for my feelings. Nothing I can do there either. Will I ever find love again or be happy? I don't know. Everything out of my hands. I want control! I need the control of my life again!

Even I don't know what I want any more. I just wish I could go back in time and just say "I don't care if you hang out with Dick and Tracy". It would hurt me unbelievably, but maybe if we grew closer together down the road she'd listen to me more later and see it was hurting me. Anything would be better than this. I thought I was out of this rut. This all consuming hole which feeds and feeds on me until I'm nothing but a skeleton stripped bare. Nothing but a shell with tendons and hurt dripping from my flayed flesh. No one cares to help and no one knows to. The person I trusted the most has turned away and I'm left feeling hurt, alone and played. Does anyone care out there? I'm sick of this stupid life. I haven't talked to anyone in days and still they act like I'm fine. I'm sick of talking. Nothing changes. Nothing ever changes. I was alone before Vikki and alone I am again.

I look at people now and I hate them. I hate every inch of them. Their smiles, their laughs. Their love which they get and squander freely. I know how special love is and I would take care of it. But the person I thought would do the same didn't give a fuck. They just didn't care. And now I'm here. Here in this fantasy world of video games and blogs just to keep alive. Because when I'm not pouring what's left of my soul into someone's ear or computer screen, I can't breathe. I can't breathe and I can't live.

Maybe I shouldn't at all.

Once In A Sad Moon

I went for a drive with my parents around the harbour and ocean tonight. The moon sat low on the horizon and loomed bigger and bigger as it rose about the mountains. Behind the yellow hue I could see the sad face it hid. It was such a beautiful moon. It was such a sad moon. Sad because it reminded me of myself. A hollow vessel drifting along this sea of rage and sadness, giving light to others but keeping none for myself. Behind the bright yellow hue, lies a dark side to this sad moon. But no one can see it. No one but me.

As we drove around, my parents unknowing to the agony of my thoughts in the back seat, my mind drifted to Vikki once more. Everything that was promised to me is gone. All the time we spent, all the dreams, all the good moments. Gone. This drive should've been us. We should've been gazing upon that sad moon together, contemplating its loneliness and being thankful we didn't feel the same. How can someone, anyone, throw all that away just like that? I did nothing wrong to her and yet in the space of a month she has turned on my like I'm the worse possible choice in her life. And yet I can't help but wonder.

What if? What if is a damned sentence. What if things had been different? What if? I'm sick of these thoughts. They internalize in my stomach and rebound in there like naughty children. I have no escape from them - too sad to go for a walk, too angry to not. My parents are not ones I can talk to - I mean their intentions are good but we are on completely different wave-lengths. And so I've been forced to talk to some stranger.

For a while now I've been ringing a youth help line. Even if they don't come up with answers, it helps just to voice these thoughts and have someone listen. I feel so alone sometimes. My family, Vikki, my friends. Even this blog reassures me that no matter what stranger reads it, I'm completely alone in this world. At a time when my feeling are getting worse, I just want someone to be there for me. To hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay.

And really, my feelings are getting worse. Not the intensity, but their shyness. Days go by and I feel fine. Some days better than fine. But as soon as I begin to express myself or put my feelings into words like I am now, they seem to resurge forth with increased vigor. One day I'll have forgiven Vikki, but seeing her name or picture, and I'll cry for the night. I'll have a good day and one sad moon will bring out the melancholy in me. I'll not talk to anyone thinking I can handle my emotions, and then one call to a counsellor and I suddenly feel sadder than ever from the words which come spilling out. All these feelings and all these emotions. I really have stopped trying to decipher them and just let them take me over. I give up, I really do. But at the same time, I'm scared.

I don't want to become my feelings. I don't want to become an irritable man who wont let anyone love him. But how can I recover from this wound where Vikki placed her knife so deeply? And she really did. I was willing to die for her, to spend the rest of my life with her and to make her happy. And to have all that thrown back in my face. To be told basically it's not good enough and that it doesn't matter. To just be thrown aside because Vikki got a new job. It is devastating and I cannot cope. I'm happy on the outside, yet deep down I'm more distraught than magma. But worst yet, my own feelings are beginning to become unknown to me. The emotions I was once so in tune with are hiding themselves deep within me until they burst forth at the most varied moments. How can I cope with anger and rage and sadness, when even I don't know when I'm harboring them any more?

I want Vikki back so much. I love her. Maybe I'm a fool, but I am sad because she deserves to be treated right and on my life, I would've done that. All these things I want to do for my partner - flowers, gifts, love and words - and even the woman who said she loved them and me dearly, doesn't want them any more. I am at a loss. I really do give up. Coming into this I was a lovable, kind and caring young man who believed in God and love and fairness. Now I've come away Godless, cruel, twisted and torn and most wizened than I would have liked.

If I had a time machine I would've gone back and changed things. My councilor reassures me it wasn't my fault, and I do believe that all of this is Vikki's doing as she was the one who simply gave up, but now seeds of doubt have begun to creep into my mind. Maybe I'm not as lovable as I thought. Maybe all my good partner traits and love which I gave was too much? Maybe I'm too intense? And that's my fear. That even if a woman gets past my average looks, that in time she'll realize that even my personality isn't good enough and leave me like Vikki has. Every good friend that's ever left me, maybe it was me that pushed them away? Every time someone bullied me, maybe it was my fault? The arguments I have with my parents, maybe I'm just a bad son? Maybe I'm too blame for everything - they say to take responsibility, but is this too much?

Deep down, a part of me knows this isn't true. But another also tells me it is. And tonight, no one is here to tell me that I'm not to blame for everything. That I was a good boyfriend and a good son and a good person. No one is here because I'm alone as I always am. Maybe it'd just be better if I removed myself from this wretched life if it's all my fault. Why should I just wait around for me to just force away another person, or think that I have? What happens when the next girl finds out I'm damaged goods. I cry out that I'm not! But do I really believe myself?

And out there in the cold night is the sad moon. Look at me it screams out to the people watching it. Every fake smile and every grimace leaves it feeling further from home. Leaves it feeling more alone than before. And yet it shines on, deciding whether to just set into the starry night for good or continue this charade. This charade of not knowing it's feelings. Of not knowing if it's to blame. Of not being able to cope. Of being taken for granted and unappreciated. Of feeling helpless and stuck in a hole that's closing on him. I can't struggle with these feelings forever. Eventually one will destroy the other. Do I let my emotions take over or do I find some way to force them out? Every day that passes I can feel myself slipping. More and more into a coma. So deep that I will not even be aware when it's all too late for me.

I stare out at that sad yellow moon resting on the horizon and wonder if somewhere out there, Vikki is looking at that same sad yellow moon and thinking of me. And then I think better...

Dreams

I had such a vivid dream of Vikki last night. I woke up pretty sad as you do when you realize it is only a dream. We were making love and it was just really nice. And it's funny because I never have sex dreams - in fact I categorically always wake up before the damn dream can get to the business. But no, it just had to let me know what I was missing out on in my dream this time. Just to torture me.

I really can't be bothered with the whole thing any more, yet I can't seem to shake this underlying sense of rage and pain. Every time I want to do something I always procrastinate it and get angry. All the stuff I had dreamed of doing once Vikki was gone, to make myself happy, is now on the back burner. I want to do things, but something inside me holds me back. I can't quite tell what's going on but I hope to ride it out. Before it's too late.

Well, my birthday came and went. No notes from my family. I've either been disowned or forgotten by everyone but my parents. Even random people off the internet sent me more birthday greetings than my estranged relatives. One lone card from my parents sits on the mantel piece, but to be honest, it's all I need. They really did treat me to a wonderful day and I hope to make them proud by being the man I should be as I grow older.

And I am proud of myself. I am a good guy. I hate to blow my own horn, but no one else seems to want to. Vikki was damn lucky to have me and it really irks me that she thinks it fit to just toss me aside whenever she wants. Well screw her. I bent over backwards for her and I challenge her to find anyone better. I know I'm flawed now, but I know it's from all she's put me through. Hopefully as soon as this feeling of anger passes, I'll be my old self again.

Let's just hope that it passes...

A Lonely Road Ahead

Well, it's official. Me and Vikki are over. She has a funny way of timing things, contacting me only days before my birthday (she had previously broke up with me on Valentine's Day). I thought it wouldn't affect me as much as it has, but it did. I felt a mixture of anger, sadness and numbness, but overall a little bit of relief that it was finally all done. I haven't had long to sort out my emotions just yet, but I'll tell you what she said (since I know you're just dyyying to find out... not really, but you'll listen anyway...).  After that random birthday message from Vikki and my angry message in return, I felt bad for swearing so much and just asked for someone answers. 

She replied that she just wasn't ready for a relationship and that she was sorry she had hurt me and that it'd turned out like this. Although to be honest, I don't think she was really sorry or that she even cared all that much. I still feel kind of used and abused in a way - good for making her come and making her feel good on her bad days, but cast aside like a paper towel when she gets a new job and has a little scare about her self-worth. Sorry didn't mean to kiss and tell there, but truly, obviously it was a gift that I got out now before I found out she couldn't be in a relationship rather than if we were married or living together.

Although she didn't specifically say that she didn't want to be with me any more, I'm not prepared to wait for what is obviously going to be a very long time before she's ready for a relationship. I can see when a relationship has drifted south and even in my limited experience I knew that there was no changing that. It's a real shame because we both loved each other and we could've been really good together. Personally, she put up too many obstacles to move through and I don't think she really wanted us to succeed. So I sent an email back saying that it was obviously over between us and tried to end it in the nicest way possible.

I guess I was hoping for the whole "No, we can make this work! I love you so much" response from her (there's been no response yet) but I'm guessing that wont be it if there is even a response from her. I just feel so emotionally drained. I was in a mall today and didn't even feel like trying for the girls there. Honestly, I can't be bothered with girls at the moment. All that revealing myself to Vikki and forming a relationship with her - it's just so draining to have to start all over again that I really can't be blowed to do all that again right now. Even if the perfect girl was delivered to me on a silver platter I would still probably say no. Heck, it'd probably be easier just to turn gay. I really am done with girls right now.

I'm just so scared that I won't find anyone else like her. Or even anyone else just to put up with me. What if I'm scarred now? I mean, I'm already finding it hard opening up to other people - I find myself reserving myself more and more with new people. And I'm sad because this is it. Our relationship is over. There's not going back, no turning around. For the rest of my life I will never see her again or know her. I won't know if she's happy. Won't know if she regrets losing me. Won't know if she's even alive or dead or where she's going or been. Like a line being cut forever, it's just gone. I always get upset about people who come into my life and then leave and this is no exception.

Well, for me it looks like a lonely road for a while. I'm actually looking forward to just cutting out all that clutter of relationships and girls and just focussing on myself. My art, my hobbies and doing things which will make me feel great. I know that before I'd usually say that it would be nice to have someone to share it with, but honestly right now, I couldn't feel anything farther from it. A bachelor's time for me my dears and it's going to be great (hopefully...). I just hope I don't turn into one of those chauvinistic bastards which get too used to a bachelor's life, but knowing me, I wont (again, hopefully...).

Meh, I think I worry to much. Time for some rest and relaxation. Wish me luck.

Oh and by the way, food poisoning absolutely sucks. Don't ever eat rice from a delicatessen. It sucks...

Sock Molestation

Well, this weekend has been fun. Not only have I graduated, but I also had a great game of cricket and after-party with my team and done a few cool things too. I took my first catch and hit my first boundary - yeah I'm sure that pre-schoolers have hit more than me, but hey, they bowl the ball really really fast. The team went to the pub afterwards and I got shouted my first drink ever - even if it was lemonade since I'm still technically underage. Not long to go now. Not that I'd drink alcohol anyway because I like to stay sharp. But still, it's good to know that you're not restricted in anything you do anymore. Ah, 18 should be fun.

So I bet you're wondering about the weird title of this post. Well, it's just a little aside story which I thought would be fun to share, since my latest posts haven't been all bright and cheerful. Basically, I think my bed socks took advantage of me. That's right - they obviously took advantage of me sleeping blissfully to perform some sort of sordid act on me. I pulled the sheets off this morning to get up and there they were, lying perfectly on top of each other right next my pillow.

I lay there for the longest time just staring at them thinking "What the fuck" and laughing nervously. I mean, I had no recollection of taking them off, and if I had, would they really have been placed so perfectly next to my pillow of all places? The way they were lying there was just too suspicious for my liking - for all I know they could've been smoking a cigarette and enjoying what could've been a very eventful night for them. No one else moved them, yet I surely would've noticed myself doing that in my sleep as I have in the past. I've been interviewing others from my underwear draw to see what the word is on the street, but so far my search is fruitless. Okay okay, so I'm taking the piss a little, but it is quite strange. It's always good to know you have a little gem locked away for dinner parties such as "I got molested by my bed socks". 

No word from Vikki as of yet and I'm sure she's going to use my ultimatum of "Give me answers or there's no chance ever again" as an easy out. Strangely, the bed socks story amongst other things has revitalized me a bit to see the funny side of things again, so I'm not stressing out too much any more. To tell the truth, I'm not even sure I want to be with her myself any more after all the shit she's put me through. I don't think it'd ever be the same. And it's a real shame because at one point, we were quite a team and I really did love her. I can't say for sure now that she felt the same.

I dunno, the periods of happiness and excitement for life have been getting longer and more frequent, while the periods of depression and missing Vikki are growing less and less. It really is the small things - the comic I'm making, cricket games, strange bed socks, even relatives visiting. They all help show there is a life after such a tough time. Sure I still feel sad sometimes, but now, it's getting easier and easier. If I don't hear from Vikki, sure I'll be wondering if there was any chance, but I think I'll cope all the same. I know already that as soon as I decide that I definitely never want to speak to her again that it'll be hard, but I know I'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Heck, even me and my dad sorted a lot of things out tonight. We were heading for the mother of all fights, but it really did turn out brilliantly. We talked for a while before sorting out some really major stuff which had been ruin our relationship. Although overall, it still feels like in some respects my life is falling apart, in others, it is completely improving.

I really don't know how to put everything into words (either because it's too complicated or the week's late nights and early mornings are finally catching up with me) but I certainly could not feel this a month ago. Even a few weeks ago. To everyone dealing with a loss out there, take it from someone who was on the very edge that there is a life after everything. I'm probably not one to be giving out advice, but if my story helps other's to see that it may hurt but that you'll make it through, then I'll be very happy indeed. Just go out and find your own team bonding or your own comic to make. Or even at a stretch (and I wouldn't wholly recommend it) some bed socks with strange habits.

And seriously, I still am curious how they got right up near my pillow.

Cliques Suck

On other news, my venture in merging back into onsite life at school went well. The week went well and I'm probably going to back onsite next term, although there was one sour moment which ruined everything a tad. But before I get into that, I must tell you that I got my diploma and graduated from the first stage of the school. Hopefully I will get it framed or something, but at least I have something to stick on my resume. Anyway, back to the drama which is my life...

Well, at the old campus we used to play cricket every lunch time and break. By us, I mean a group of students, teachers and tech supports. However, there was some ill-feeling between me and one shop assistant who took exception to me for some reason (I suspect me playing a prank with his shop sign, having him swear at me and then me have him get talked to by the principal, might have something to do with it - although the prank was on another employee, but he happened to be the grumpy SOB which found it first). And now this happens.

Yesterday, the two tutors which we used to play with were out playing cricket together. As soon as I went up to them they said it was time to go and then they left with me just standing there. I passed it off, but today I went up to play and they said that I couldn't because they didn't want me to break a window. Then I said I'd just bowl, to which one replied that they didn't want me to because it's the only time they get away from other students. So I said I'd just field and not talk, to which he added that he'd "Said all he had to say". Okaaay...

Anyway, there was this random kid who lived around the area and they let him bat and bowl, but they just kept on missing me out on the bowling and batting cycles. They're both jerks and it's probably something liken to a mixture of jealousy of my bowling and gossip from said ape in the shop who probably has been bad mouthing me all term. They almost made me not want to come back, but I say fuck em because I can run and walk rather than play cricket with poofy-looking fuck heads. Take the ball and shove it up your arse and then follow it with the bat you cunts.

Other than that, my week was good. And now it is holidays, so I don't have to see them for a month. Not that they could even look at me anyway, cowards. I dunno, some people are tard burgers.

Consideration

Well out of the blue Vikki sent me this message saying thanks for the birthday wishes I sent her. It made me wonder if she was just ignoring all my other messages, because she mentions nothing about our relationship, the questions I want answered or where our relationship is. And she didn't even bother to put "Take care" this time - she just put "TC". You're kidding me right? This sense of pure and simple rage swept over me and I was typing literally 100 words a minute. I can't even remember exactly what I wrote, but there were about 100 fucks and shits mixed in amongst the other angsty scribbles. But seriously, a month and this is what I get?

I am so fucking pissed. Firstly because if you love someone, or have ever loved someone, you don't leave them hanging that long and then send some fucking shitty email which sorts nothing out. Secondly, it makes me wonder if she ever loved me at all. Thirdly, it just fucking sucks. Honestly, it's almost comical, except I'm not seeing the funny side. I'm thinking I shouldn't even be pursuing the idea of getting back together with her. Did I ever really know her? Or was it all just lies? 

All I know is that if she doesn't give me some answers within the next week, she's gone for good. She can send me all the emails she wants after that but I'll cut her loose. You can't do that to people. I'd be ashamed if that was me. If I knew that someone I loved was on the other side of the earth, crying, sad and scared, then I'd be there for them, or at least break up with them respectfully. It's called empathy. Caring. Sensitivity. What Vikki has done is the complete opposite. I don't even know this person she's turned into. And I've never sworn at her once, so this is a new venture for me, of which I'm not proud but very angry so I guess it's my feelings, but Vikki is acting like a bitch. There I said it. Crucify me and label me some girl basher. I don't care because I've put up with so much shit and all I get is an abbreviated version of "take care".

I'm too angry to write, but all I want is a little consideration. Is it too much to fucking ask? If I say I love someone, I mean it. Love is not making someone stress out and cry for a whole month and then pass it off as a passing comment. Love is trying to make the one you love feel special. If I saw my wife or my fiance sitting there crying, small and scared and lonely just wanting some love, I'd be at her side immediately, hugging her and telling her everything was gonna be okay. I'd be there for her, because that's love. Just to see her smile and feel better.

But maybe that's just me. Maybe it's just fucking me...

Bridges

Well it turns out that Joel didn't actually hear me (that or he was just pretending he didn't), but I apologized anyway. It felt good doing the right thing and just seeing his smile. I may have repaired one broken bridge, so it just shows what a little bit of humility and kindness can do. And from there the day just got better. People at school seemed nicer and more tolerable than ever before and I am finally making some peace with me and Vikki. She still hasn't replied, so I'm a tad annoyed, but I don't hold anything against her. I only had one bad moment today.

I just can't get to grips that if me and Vikki don't get together, which will probably be the case judging by the current state of things, that she'll be with someone else. I mean, deep down I want her to be happy and find someone who she loves and that loves her, but the thought that someone else with going to be having children with her and making love to her, well that's just unbearable. I think if did say she wanted to move on from me then I'd never be able to speak to her again. I know it would only lead to me becoming obsessed and cruel. And it sucks.

I mean, she promised me our first kiss - my first kiss - and our first time together. To think that once she gives it to someone else she can't get it back. It's just the finality of it. I mean, I'm not trying to control her even when I'm not with her, but I just can't stand the thought of it. Other than this small part of suckiness, I know I'll be fine now even if Vikki comes back and says no, or even if she doesn't come back at all. Other than that, my day was superb. Let's hope it stays that way. I dunno, I'm so used to life throwing curve balls at me or things going wrong that I'm half expecting some person to jump out and yell that it's all been a joke and that it's time to get back to my crappy life.

Whatever the case, I can feel myself getting slowly back on track. And funnily, it all started with me being cruel to another and alien to myself. In a way, I can thank Joel for being a jerk to me - if he hadn't, I wouldn't have talked about him and then I wouldn't have noticed what my life was becoming. Ever since I've decided to let my emotion baggage go and forgiving people - it really has helped me see the light again. I think that with all this hurt and my inability or unwillingness to forgive the people who caused it, it was really killing me inside. It was also stopping me from forgiving myself for fucking up in life, whatever it was.

So here's to jerks and forgiving them. *Raises glass*

Time To Get Back On The Rails

The last few days have been messy for me. Each day I felt a mixture of feelings, never being able to decide which one to listen to. But today everything became extremely clear to me. It was like a beam of light just shone onto my head and all the fog I've felt over this last month dissipated. It's a welcome, but very unfamiliar feeling which I'm still getting used to. I'm half expecting the feeling to fade and for all the doubt to creep back into my mind, but on the other hand, I'm pretty sure it will at least make a lasting impression after what happened today. Well, I'll take you to where it all began, back in my first term of art school I participated.

I was helping run the first term student exhibition at our art school back when I was a newbie to the campus and I was teamed up with a second year student called Joel. We got along pretty well - he was pretty self-important and useless, but it didn't really impose on me. We were all headed by a receptionist and exhibition helper Wendy, who I was polite, but cautious to from the beginning since she was very cliquey with certain members of the school. Things were going well until the second term.

The second term's student exhibition rolled around and Joel was assigned to coordinate. However, he also needed a co-coordinator and I'd done more than anyone the previous term so I was looking for the role. But now Joel had the power he'd craved for so long and he certainly wasn't going to share it with anyone, especially someone who could show him up like me. He flatly refused to accept a co-coordinator and from there we stopped talking and things even got less than polite. I even stopped helping out at the exhibition because both Joel and Wendy started bossing me around. Fast forward several months and term to today.

I was sitting in the lunch area out on the lawn of our campus today talking with a couple of people. I hadn't seen them in ages since I went extra-mural, so they were asking me what I'd been up to. When one asked why I wasn't helping out with this term's exhibition, I replied "I'm not traveling an hour and a half on a smelly bus just to work my arse off and be bossed around by Joel and Wendy". Then I'm pretty sure I called Joel a troll before the person I was talking to pointed out the fact that Joel was sitting eating his lunch behind a bush within earshot of us and was now looking kind of hurt.

I tried to pass it off as if I didn't care that he heard, but immediately I felt this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. He's a jerk, you can't deny, but I'm ashamed. What have I become? I'm supposed to be the one being talked about and the one getting bullied, and now I've done something completely against my moral compass. Against everything that is me. I let my emotions compromise my morals as a human being and my very nature. 

The whole bus ride home I could only think about my actions and how far I've strayed over this last harrowing month. Not only have I let Vikki and our problems consume my life, my happiness and my drive, but now I'd let it take my values. It's one move too far. I'm a good person. I care about other's feelings and am sensitive. I know what it's like to be bullied and feel like no one likes you. And now I've done something so cruel and horrible that it only highlights what I've become. To put it bluntly, the situation is ridiculous. Moping and crying was fine, but as soon as the problems affect me as a person, then that's it. It's time to get this train back on the tracks.

I've sent a message to Vikki saying I was sorry for playing games with her and I'm going to apologize to Joel tomorrow. I had planned to walk to his house tonight, but I don't know what his address is exactly. I don't know if this goodwill will last, but I know I need to try. I had been hoping that my life would sort itself out and that everything would fall into place. Wrong! I need to make my own life. After the fog cleared today I feel like for this last month I've been a horrible person. I feel so dirty and wrong. I just hope it isn't too late to get back to where I was. I know I'm a good person, but now I need to prove it to myself by making things right. I don't know how hard it'll be, or how long it will take, but in the end there is no way I'm going to let myself turn into a monster. 

This ends now. It's time to take charge again.

This Chasm Is Not Home

Slowly but surely I can feel myself regaining control. This chasm which has become my life and home is beginning to shrink and warp. For two days in a row I've had a change of heart. Something deep inside me has changed. I'm getting excited about life again. I'm getting out again. I'm taking care of myself bit by bit. It's like some internal switch just flicked and the light from above grew stronger and stronger, echoing down this deep chasm which I'd chipped away for myself. It's as if I've stopped half way down and looked up and gone, screw it. And funnily, it began with a joke.

I was looking into the mirror two nights ago and thought to myself, what have I achieved from this relationship. Then I started laughing - "A DVD". I just couldn't stop laughing. Even in bed, I was giggling away about the thought that the only thing I'd received from the relationship was a DVD - probably not true, but it was the only tangible evidence I was ever in a relationship at all. Some sort of sick consolation prize that just highlights the pathetic nature off the whole situation. And it's true.

My mum is a Supernatural fan. And I love that show as well - two brothers just trying to survive and kill evil creatures on a quest to avenge their mother - but unfortunately only the first season was shown here where I live. But over where Vikki lived, season three was already well under way. So she sent it over but didn't want me to pay her no matter what I said. And now, it's become some sort of beacon in my life - a stupid television show on DVD has shown me the way.

Of course, the light didn't last long. The next day I was feeling in the dumps, but that night, the feeling of being able to live again came over me. And today it was the same feeling throughout the day. So although it's only baby steps, it's a beginning and a feeling I've been craving for many weeks. I don't care if Vikki is at the bottom of the chasm, if she wants me back or not - all I know is that I'm lovable and someone else out there wants me and that I need to move on. I don't know what's going to happen to me, and I'll admit I'm fucking scared, but I know that I can't keep falling any more.

I just hope that there is someone else out there that I can love as much as Vikki. Someone who accepts my faults and that loves me for me. Someone that I can protect when she's vulnerable and someone I can make feel special. I really hope that I find someone else. For all I care now, Vikki can stay gone if she wants. I've given up caring and letting my life rest in her uncaring hands. Wish me the best. I'll need it in this strange and frightening new life I'll be trying my hardest to create in the crater left by this love of mine.

In other news, Jaffa is gone from my school, so at least that's one less fat Indian fuck to deal with.

The Dance

I can feel myself doing a dance with my mind. Slowly and gracefully I join hands with it as we both descend into oblivion. Every day there's hate and sorrow and joy and helplessness. A new cycle for every moment and every moment one closer to my death. All I can do is watch as my life and everything around me dissolves. Despite my pride, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. Here's a guy who's been fed shit by life all his life. He gets something special and tries his hardest to keep it, but all it ends with is just him not only back where he started, but back further than that. At least before I met Vikki I was happy and going out and about. Sure I felt un-accepted and unlovable, but now, I'm like a vegetable at home. No one definitely loves me now.

Every day I'm reminded of my loss, as if the pain isn't great enough. In the hope of hearing a reply from the one I love, I check my messages daily. Probably twice or three times daily. And every time I do all I see is that smug message of "No New Messages!" as if it's a big laugh. Ha ha ha, nobody cares enough to email you. What a loser. Ha ha ha.

And today I woke up crying and hugging my bed. I'd been having a dream where I was at a party and there was a dance in this fancy restaurant. And through the people I saw Vikki standing there. In my dream we danced and it was laden with such emotion I had to wake up. You know that sad yearning sorrow you get from dreams, in your half-asleep state, like when you see a dead loved-one or a past flame? Well I get that often now and this morning was no different. Even in my sleep I am reminded of my loss.

My parents sat me down and said that they were worried about me today. They said I never talked any more and that I was losing it. They're probably right but I put on the "I'm fine" mask and looked away. Their words echoed in my head before dissipating. No one can help me now. I feel I'm too far gone. It's like I'm down a deep dark chasm and I can see all these ledges for me to land on. But I don't want to. Maybe I want to fall. Maybe I want to just lose myself completely. Maybe I think that Vikki is at the bottom. All I know is that this chasm is feeling more and more like home than the bright happiness ever was. And I'm all alone down here.

In the end we are all alone. All this shit is going to end some day. And it's not like I ever had lots of friends or family to have. The closest friends I have at the moment is a tie between my cricket team who are leaving for the season break and my xbox live friends, and well, we don't need to go on about relationships and friendships over the internet. I'm just so sad I can't even think about what I'm going to say. Fuck, this is probably a really depressing read, if you've even made it this far without hanging yourself.

I am just really out of words. I've cried all my tears and I've screamed all my hurt. I've punished my body and I've cleared my mind and filled it again like a well after the rains. I've been through the worst month of my life and I'm relying on Vikki to reply or show she even cares, or that I'm not just some piece of shit to her, in order to make me happy or move on. But I can't move on without her. There's this fear there which I can't shake and every moment she lets me sit like this I hate her more and loathe myself. All these feelings and not once can I feel what I need - relief. Just relief. That breath you take with your eyes shut, knowing that you don't have a care in the world and that you are safe. Knowing you are loved and that there isn't someone you need to talk to.

And talk I can't. Not to my parents, not to myself and not to Vikki. I don't even know where she lives any more, so some big romantic gesture of turning up on her doorstep with a rose is out of the question. 

A friend once told me that time heals everything. At the moment, it only looks like it'll be healing the ground where I bury myself.

Second Thoughts

The promise I made to God has been bothering me - I told him I wouldn't play games with Vikki if he helped me sort out the situation. So does that mean what I've done is breaking that promise? I mean, I really do wish she'll come back to me and say that she still has feelings for me, despite what I fear, so in a way, it's like the game I swore to not participate in. Am I only hiding under the veil that I'm doing this for her when I'm actually still trying to win her back? If I don't post again it means I've been struck by some kind of lightning bolt from the heavens since I'm assuming that God reads all the fine print of contracts very carefully.

I mean, it wasn't just a promise, it was a covenant. The strongest type of promise (heck, I was desperate for help) and somehow I feel like I've got this bulls eye on my forehead with God lining me up thinking about how I've broken the covenant. Not only have I lost the one I love, my health, my happiness, my life (practically), my drive, but now I've pissed off God. It wasn't intentional, and I'm not even sure if this counts, but it's got me worried.

On other fronts, I still await a reply from Vikki, if one is even going to come. If you love someone, you try and contact them, so this is just reinforcing the fact that she doesn't care any more. I've found solace in video games however - I've found a group of friends on there which I can play with until whatever hour of the day, so I feel part of something. Pathetic as it seems, I feel happy mucking around with them, getting my mind of things. But every second I depart, my worries set back in. Right before bed too so I can look forward to a sleepless night.

The fact of the matter is, I haven't done any schoolwork in about a month or two. I'm meant to be doing some art at home and filling in my study logs, but now I don't even have the will to fake them. I feel like a real loser sometimes, but I don't see how to move forward. I'm hoping once I get some closure from Vikki that magically I'll move on with my life, but it's taking its toll on me since I'm remaining dormant for so long. But what if...?

What if I don't magically get back on track after Vikki replies, if she even does. What if all this time I've just wasted is for nothing? All I can think about is how much damage I've done to my body with all this stress, not eating, not sleeping and not getting out. And you know what? Deep down, and it really does scare me when I feel this way, I don't care. I enjoy the fact I'm destroying myself. Whether it's for attention or for someone to fight for me to save myself or something else, I don't know - all I know is that when I look at my tired, sad face in the mirror at night I get this sick twinge in my stomach thinking fuck you. I'm going to fuck you up really nice.

And it scares me.

Goodbye To A Lover

I gave up last night. God and promises and whatever behind, I sent Vikki an email last night. I said that she obviously doesn't want me anymore and that I just want her to be happy, so I said I'd just leave. If she still loved me, then she would've fought for me, she wouldn't leave me in the cold. Really, I do just want her to be happy and if me being around isn't making her her happy anymore, then I'll just go. It's a decision I'll live with for the rest of my life and I don't know if it's the right one as I sit here today. I don't know what else to write. I'm so mentally tired and lost and it's hurting my health. 

Maybe it's best for the both of us, but all I know, if I had my way me and Vikki would be together. But she doesn't want that, so I'll respect her wishes and do the honourable thing.  I guess it's time for me to move on, but part of me still hopes she'll see how much I love her and that I do want her to be happy and that she'll come back to me, but I can see this going in the route of her somehow making out like this is what I want and then saying "take care". I know I said that if I found someone then I'd hold on with all my might, but I'm slipping and it's taking it's toll. 

Goodbye Vikki, I'll always love you deep down, but I want you to be happy. Find someone who makes you shine.

Is Anybody Up There?

Well, after another sleepless night filled with weird and frightening dreams, I woke up early in my bed. The light of the day was just starting to shine through the curtains and of course, instead of simply rolling over and drifting back into blind sleep, the stupid cogs in my head had to start turning. Try as I might, I can never get this dumb motor in my skull to shut off for a second. The more I asked it to stop so I could recover some much needed sleep, the more it started whizzing around. So I decided to just lie there.

Me and God have a sort of love/hate relationship. I say I love him and he shows me how much hate he can have for someone. Of course I'm joking, but sometimes I do wonder if there is anyone up there looking down over me. In this age of science and reason, it takes a lot to persuade anyone to put their trust blindly in someone which could've quite possibly been constructed to ease man's fear of death. Me especially. 

Don't get me wrong, if there was some holy war or some calling I had to do, I'd do it without question. Deep down, I know I'll always be a good person. But when it comes to some things, I have a hard time trying to believe in God fully. In fact, a sense of silliness comes over me whenever I find myself talking randomly to the big guy in the sky. And this morning felt like a silly morning, so I thought I'd give it a crack.

So in a half-asleep stupor I starting babbling out my thoughts and hopes and fears to God in hope that it'd ease my mind. He's one tough bargainer - he managed to rope me into at least one session of church, some chores, some Bible reading time and a few covenants for his help in resolving the situation with Vikki (which ain't easy since I am strictly a non-religious religious person). Let's see if he delivers. You see, when I talk to God, strangely, he's like me. He's fair and promises to help at a price. It makes me wonder if we even talk to God at all and not some part of our uncontrolled subconscious.

It really helped though to get all my thoughts off my chest, even if I was completely convinced anyone was listening. Some how I managed to get through most of today not thinking all that much about my woes - I can definitely see the merits of passing on your sins to God etc. I just hope that the situation with Vikki can be resolved. In the end, I just want her to be happy and I promised God that if she really didn't want me around any more, then I'd accept that. I think in some ways, I was putting my happiness before hers which isn't a relationship at all, so I'm putting her first now. Look at me, I sound really silly now because you probably think I'm some religious nut. Well, the truth is far from it.

Me and my parents went through a few churches when I was young and each one had the same problems - Cliques, ignorance, intolerance and greed, they all have them in one extreme or another. The final straw for me was seeing the church bouncers throw out a homeless man for praying and preaching anti-gay sentiments. I'm not going to get into gay rights or anything right now, but I just feel that these qualities are not what God would've wanted for his churches. And besides, the church is the people, not the building, so I spend my Sundays at home or doing something I enjoy.

So for me religion is a flawed society which has strayed far from where it was intended to go. I don't know why I let God rope me into going back to church, or why I'm telling you guys this since I probably sound half mad, but if it helps the situation between me and Vikki, then I'm quite prepared to let the uncontrolled part of my subconscious have a little play. In any case, it's not as if I have anything better to do.

What's Taking So Long?

Well, the effects of the walk have worn off a little, but I'm still much better than my previous weeks. I just really want to sort things out with Vikki; just get back together with her and make things work. Unless the path we take isn't that way inclined. The feeling in my chest is back again and it always makes me nervous. I've written down what I need to ask, I've sent her everything she needs to know, so why do I still feel this way? It's annoying and makes me wonder what's going to happen. I really do pray everything goes as I plan, you reader already know that life isn't one to abide by my plans, no matter how sound.

The thoughts of not knowing what I'm doing with my life have re-entered my mind and they're driving me crazy. I need to find a purpose soon or I'm just going to become one of those dependent losers needing a woman to feel whole. Maybe I already am one of those. All I know is that this silence, forced or not, is driving me bonkers. I need to speak and to resolve. And it's happened before.

Ever since I was a child, I could never simply sleep on an argument. Not only would I not get any sleep if I tried to, but it would surely only fester. No, for me I had to talk the argument through right then and there until whatever ungodly hour in the morning. Vikki is not like that unfortunately, and not many people in my family are. I don't think anyone close to me gets how bad it feels for me to keep anything locked away inside me. I bet Vikki doesn't even care what this is doing to my internal organs. Sigh.

The Walk

I've found out I'm a pretty screwed up person lately. I know that Vikki doesn't have internet yet in her new home, that I've said everything I need to in my last email to her and that there's no point moping around waiting for her reply. And yet I do. I actually think this last month has wiped about 5-10 years off my already probably short life span. When communication is cut off, I just don't know how to cope. Thoughts just bounce around in my head and multiplay and fester like a wound. Nothing heals it until I speak to who I need to. And even then, undoubtedly I will think of several more worries as soon as I've finished talking. I have so many questions right now, which I've pestered both myself, my parents, you my loyal readers and many others with for the past few weeks. 

Do you still love me? Do you still want to be in a relationship with me? Did you mean that you weren't going any where? Did you mean that you weren't like other people? Why does it feel like you're treating me like someone you've met off the street? Why can't we be together? Why does it seem like you've moved on? Do you care at all that I'm hurt? If you love me so much, why aren't you fighting for me? Why?

Can you imagine this beating around in a head which is already full with memories of friends committing suicide, families disowning you, school work and cricket teams dumping you. And now make this fly through like a snowball picking up steam at a million miles per hour. Then factor in this being your first love, the feelings of being hurt and betrayed and not having the communication which you want and need and not knowing if everything's going to be alright with no one you can talk to. Don't feel pity for me, I just want my brain to stop sometimes. Sometimes I can't even collect my thoughts they're going so fast. Even when I sleep my brain throws out dream after dream. I'm never at peace and nobody around me gets it.

I like adventures and today, I felt like one to get me out of this funk. However, no one in my family was willing to do the kind I wanted. Sure on a normal day, bowling or a walk around a park would have been sufficient. But today, I wanted to smash the shit out of something. I wanted to push my body to a burnt shell of itself. Something so different and hard that it would take my mind of my hurt and onto my bodily hurt from the punishment I would be sending my way. So I decided to just leave everyone behind and walk. Not just any walk, but the mother of all walks. Admittedly, I was stupid when I set off - I grabbed no money, no cellphone or sunscreen during the hot midday sun. I just left with me and my clothing. 

I'd been planning this walk for a while. The truth is, I was planning it for me and Vikki when she came over so that we could spend the day out taking photographs and enjoying each other, but I'd wanted to scope it out first to see how long it'd take. In the city where I live we have these amazing bays - beach and rock pool-lined bays where the roads wind on and on. As a child I'd been driven around them countless times - my fondest memories are being driven around at night listening to old songs with my parents. Every now and again we still go on those drives, but the sound system in our new car sucks, so it's not nearly as fun. I'd set my sights on walking around them. Holy moly, what a mission. At least I can rule out ever taking Vikki on a walk around them if we ever get back together.

I started at 1:00 pm and by the time my dad picked me up, it was 4:00 pm. I started off and walked and walked and walked. I only made it halfway however - without my cellphone or cash, there was no way I'd make it back in time to avoid my mother biting my head off if I went the whole way. I found a phone at a surf club and called home, but I achieved exactly what I intended. Not once did I feel down or sad because of Vikki. I hardly even thought about the whole thing. All I could focus on was the sun burn I was getting, the tiny footpaths and the big trucks looming up on me as I tried to cross them. Everything was perfect - the cicadas and crickets were in full bloom with their sounds melting into the waves beside me. Every so often a car would drive by and a couple with children or dogs would pass by with their smiles. The things I saw - I really did feel like Frodo from The Lord Of The Rings as I watched my suburb grow smaller and eventually vanish with each turn and bay I traversed.

I know, this isn't like my usual depressive and sad self. To tell the truth, whether it was the sun, sea or fresh air and exercise, the walk really did do the trick. I am talking more and definitely much happier than before. Most importantly is that I don't feel so rushed to talk to Vikki any more. My only regret is not finishing the walk. I came so close and would have if I hadn't been concerned for my mum. I plan to complete it later on before winter completely sets in. Thank goodness I did walk it out first before I took anyone on a date, let alone Vikki. I can imagine my date dumping me as soon as we reached home, covered in sweat and the shoulder strap from her camera having worn a deep furrow into her skin. Probably a slap too.

Along my way I saw what my country really has to offer - such a beautiful coast line and sea which many people overlook. It really was a wonderful experience and despite traversing the length of several suburbs and valleys in my quest for personal enlightenment and a furious sun tan, I'd do it again in a heart beat. Nothing entered my head. No worries, no thoughts. Just my pace and my feet hitting the hard concrete and sand. Just the birds overhead and the sea lapping my side. The dead penguin and the shady people at the public toilet. The cute dog bouncing over the waves. Just peace.

Sorry reader if I disappoint for straying from my usual rant about how my life sucks, which at times it does, but this experience was amazing and really helped. Now let's just hope that the effects don't wear off and that everything I desire comes to fruition. And maybe, I won't have to walk alone forever. Goodnight reader, where ever you are.